Young Blogs: R.I.P (A year has passed since God took you home)

I wanted to share a few of my early blogs with you before I started this blog spot and only posted notes via Facebook.  I left them as is and opted out of editing them at all. - Jett
 RIP (Written: Thursday, Feb 7, 2008

A year ago today my brother died. He died of lung cancer at the age of 24. I don't understand how someone can die of lung cancer when he never smoked. I don't understand why someone so young has to leave this world when all he was doing was living a good life.

It wasn't even an accident that he died, like when my brother Jayson died in a car accident when a drunk driver hit him head on. He was coming home from his last year of college for his Christmas break. He died in an instant, and they told my family he probably felt very little pain if any at all.

It wasn't even an accident that he died, like when my baby sister Jacilynn died when my uncle accidently back over her in his driveway when she was only 4. She was too little to know what happened to her and died with-in two hours of her accident.

Joey had to suffer for almost a year before he died. My family had to watch Joey die. All these people tried so hard to save his life and he fought hard to just keep on living. He wanted to keep on living but he never showed us he was afraid to die. We were all more scared for him than he was for himself. Even on the worse day of his pain, he never complained about how sick he was.

I remember the day that Joey died. My mom and dad, my brother Jordy, Joey's best friend Mikey, and me were with him. We didn't know he was gonna die that day, until Mikey stood next to Joey's bed. They didn't say a word to each other. Joey took Mikey's hand and they just looked at each other. It was like they were thinking the same. Then Joey said "see you on the other side bro, take care of the girls".

I remember my mom just kissed Joey on the cheek, and a tear rolled down her face. I never seen her cry since than. I remember Jordy wiping away his tears, kissing Joey goodbye, hugging Mikey real tight. He don't let me see him cry now, but I know he does. I remember my dad walking out of the room, without acknowledging Joey even dying. Just like when Jayson died, no tears at all. I just sat down in a chair and looked at Joey, I didn't know what to do. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn't do anything.

I remember Mikey begging Joey not to go. That they had so much more to do. All the pacts that they made in life they had to finish. I remember thinking how much emotion Mikey was letting out. He was so sad. He was so mad. He was so helpless. He was so confused. He was so hurt. I remember him yelling at Joey, being mad at him. Calling him a quitter. Telling him he wouldn't do this to Joey so why was Joey doing it him. I never seen anyone cry as hard as Mikey did that day. I remember thinking to myself, what kind of friend are you to yell at your best friend like that?

For this whole year I never forgot any of the memories I have of my brother dying. Always searching for answers of why he had to die. Why him. Out of all the people in the world, why Joey? Turns out, I learned a lot from Mikey reacting to Joey the way he did. It's ok to show your love, hate, anger, confusion and tears. He didn't care that Joey was dying, he was going to let him know exactly how he felt about it. He didn't care what anyone thought about how he showed his love for Joey. Mikey just cared that Joey left this world understanding that he was leaving this world under Mikey's protests, and that someday he was going to have to answer for doing that.

So today, one year after you died Joey, I am telling you how sorry I am that I didn't know exactly how to let you go that day. I still don't have all the answers to why you had to leave and I probably never will. I still cry a lot because I miss you and I probably always will. I think about you every day and I really appreciate you meeting me in church when I need to talk things over with you. Thanks for leaving behind Mikey and Jake like you did, to watch over me and Jordy. Thanks for bringing Lucy into my life so I have a sister again. Thanks for bringing Jewels into my life so I have someone to tell me everything will be alright. Its like you knew that once you left us, me and Jordy would only have each other and our parents would cop out on us. Thanks for living the life you did, and not being afraid to go be with Jayson and Jacilynn, waiting for the day we can all be together again.

Tap tap tap

Love you brae

Family: The Life We Live Is The Death We Die

We live.  We die.  We live forever.  Those three sentences make life sound so simple, so why does life sometimes feel so hard?  While all of us are walking our own journeys on earth, I believe when we reach the Promise Land our journeys will all be the same, in a unique manner.  Just as Gracie and I talked about what job God will give us when we get to His House, I believe everyone who transitions from the human form to a spirit form will have a different function in their eternal life beyond their breath of life on earth.

We live.  We are born into a world that is uncertain as to what our fate is on earth.  I cannot even attest to the possibility that we are all born in good intentions.  The only thing for certain is that we are born into a fight for survival no matter what privileges or lack thereof we are provided.  Even though the majority of us know death is certain to follow life, not many of us prepare ourselves for any form of life after death.

We die.  If you are born, you are certain to die.  That is a certain not many of us even attempt to argue.  The minute we are given life is the moment we begin to die.  We tend not to think in those terms as we continue to live our lives on earth. We do not plan for our deaths outside of what material and financial possession we own and what we will do with them once we are no longer around to enjoy them.  We fail to think about and plan what will happen to us beyond our last breath of life on earth.

 We live forever.  Eternity is a long time.  Ask anyone who has waited for test results of any means.  That educational test score that will determine your position in college for a more stable future.  That medical test result that will determine your next move in securing a healthy life. That long wait in life to find and be with the love of your life forever.  The long awaited anguish of a work negotiation that will make or break our current success. We all use the term eternity as if there is no end in sight for the things we want or need to continue to live our life to the fullest. 

I can not tell you how many people in my life have "waited forever" or said "it's taking an eternity to find out".  In the scheme of things everything I have ever waited an eternity for is nothing compared to the eternal life I will live once I take my final breath on earth.  It is funny to me to hear people talk about "living life to its fullest" as if once their life is gone, there is nothing to follow it. I often wonder 'if you can speak about eternity for personal gain in your life, how can you not believe in life after death?"  After all eternity is forever right? So keeping your mind closed to there being eternal life after you die you really are just cheating yourself out of preparing to walk with angels and be a guide to those whose life on earth is still in existence.

I'm not really sure what those that do not believe in eternal life thinks about what happens to you when you die.  Perhaps they do not believe in anything, that just as you were born, you die and that is the end of life.  Born on the earth, left on the earth.  Maybe some believe that based on the life you live you either ascend above and sit in heaven with God forever or you descend below and sit in damnation with the devil.  Just as there are some who believe in a higher power there are others that do not.   I wish I could tell you what makes some people believe and others not believe but it is a mystery that may never reveal its answer.

I was not raised with religion although my mother and I used to stop and rest at a church along Morningside Ave in Sioux City IA when we walked from our Bushnell house to the public library at least once a week but often two or three times.  I could not tell you even today what denomination that church was or even if it still exists today but I will always remember the beauty of the interior, the peace I felt sitting outside that church, and the wonder of whose house we were resting at.

I knew of God and I knew that He was the One who people counted on to bring them through hard times.  I never questioned His existence,   I just never had the inclination to find out more about Him.  When I started to wonder more about God and who He was and how He fit into my life was when my brother Joey was terminally ill with lung cancer.  In Joeys final days he came to live with us in the Bushnell house where he slowly faded from our lives.  Our mother tried to keep him comfortable and keep him fed as he laid day after day in the bed he grew up in.  Our 'dad' paid very little attention to Joey and often criticized our mother for the amount of time she spent with him that took her from keeping an orderly house and giving her time to care for our 'dads' needs.

Joey had very few visitors while he was with us at the Bushnell house, mostly because our 'dad' was an SOB with no heart that Joey's friends feared.  His two faithful friends were Mikey and Jake (who is my care giver now and I call my dad).  It was hard for Mikey to sit with Joey because it made him very sad and he could not keep his emotions in check. He would visit often but the time they spent together was void of memories of the good times and was focused only on the now.  Jake came by on and off and usually would sneak Joey a beer.  I always thought that was cool and I always thought that was a cure for Joey because it always made him smile the whole time they sat and driank a beer together talking about the things that lead them to a lifetime friendship.

The time I spent with Joey was limited because of our 'dad' chasing me away from spending time with Joey.  Sometimes Joey would get up and open his window so later that night I could sneak in and lay with him even though we never spoke a word.  Then I would get caught and be punished for disobeying our 'dad'.  I didn't care though, the time I got with Joey was worth every punch I took.  Even when our 'dad' would tell me "you never learn your lesson" I would be glad to take another punch while thinking to myself  'no, it is you who never learns any lessons'.  I was a rather chubby kid and climbing in that window at night was always a task and I often wished Joey was strong enough to pull me through it.  But again, with out the pain there would be no gain and I wanted to spend time with Joey before life took him from me.

Another regular visitor to Joey was the friend I call my A.OJ.  (Aunt Jewels).  In all honestly she was the one unexpected person to enter my life that has made the hugest impact on my belief in God than any other one individual will ever make.  She used to come over often to sit with Joey and visit him just to keep him company.  She never let our 'dad' deter her away from spending time with Joey as most of his other friends had.  Maybe it was because of her age and he didn't think he could intimidate her.  I remember one visit where I was in Joey's room and she came and Joey asked her about God.  He wanted to know if she thought God would forgive him for his wild days and allow him to go to heaven.  I don't remember her answer but from that day on when A.OJ came to visit Joey they spent their time reading the bible together.  I would sit outside his door and listen to them read and pray and try to figure out what life after death for Joey would be like.  That is the first time I heard of eternal life but not the last time I would think about it.

The thought of eternal life to me sounded like a great idea.  My imagination ran wild with the thought of someday being back together with those I already lost in my life.  Jacelyn, my three year old sister and Jayson, my twenty-four year old brother.  I would see them again and after realizing this I never doubted life after death again.  As each person in my life has passed since this revelation in my soul my faith has only grown stronger.  Eternal life would someday be mine and I would be with everyone I missed again.  Those thoughts never ease the pain or sadness of those I miss, but they make me be a better me.  I live closer to the Word of God more and more each day.  I am not perfect and as A.OJ would tell my dad again and again, "Jett is a good kid, but he is kid, and he is a boy.  He will make mistakes, and your job is to make sure he has the tools to find his way again."  (She has saved me many times from the wrath of the man who is now my dad.) 

I was fourteen under the care of my 21 year old brother, 1500 miles from the Bushnell house when I found God through a small neighborhood church that turned out to be a catholic church.  They accepted me into their place of worship and helped me complete the sacraments I needed to prepare myself for eternal life at the hands of God.  I received the sacraments of Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, and Confirmation.  I serve as an Alter Server at Mass, I am a Lecture assigned to read the readings of the Old Testaments, and I am currently taking classes to be a Minister of Communion to home bound members of that church who are determined to keep their faith strong in times of weakness and illness. 

I do not ever remember not believing in God and the eternal life he will provide me one day.  I do remember the day it was introduced to me by eavesdropping on a conversation between a friend of my brother and his dying pleas for acceptance into God's world.  I believe the life I lived prior to the age of 14 and being chased from my childhood home and landing a days drive from the mid west to the east coast was to prepare me to be a better Christian.  I believe if you are in my life there is a reason for you to be.  Whether it is for me to gain from having you in my life or for you to gain from having me in your life, our paths crossed for a reason.  Each person I meet, face to face or social media to social media, has many things to offer me through faith and humanity.  I respect your beliefs even if they do not match mine.  At night when I lay my hand on my bedside bible the prayer I say if for everyone I meet.  Those that are close and those that are far away.  Those that walk the same path as I do and those that walk a different path.  Those that believe in God and those that carry doubts of a higher power guiding them.

Sure as our hearts beat our time on earth ticks away.  Like an hour glass with its sand to determine the hands of time, as one half empties the other half becomes full.  As life on earth slowly leaves us, our life of eternity gains momentum.  Everlasting life will be ours and eternity will last beyond a life time, beyond a breath of life on earth we will someday breath the air in Heaven sitting in the House of God.

Eternal Life will be worth all the suffering and pain we endure on earth.  Just as no one can escape death, no one can escape eternal life.  See you on the other side my friends, until then, just be kind to one another and let others be who they are and judge not least ye be judged.  

In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
(John 14:2,3)

Faith: What Do You Believe In?

 The Apostle's Creed

1. I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:
2. And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:
3. Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:
4. Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, died and buried: He descended into hell:
5. The third day he rose again from the dead:
6. He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:
7. From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:
8. I believe in the Holy Ghost:
9. I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:
10. The forgiveness of sins:
1l. The resurrection of the body:
12. And the life everlasting. Amen.

There are lots of things I believe in life that you may disagree with.  There are lots of issues, politically and religious, that have opposing sides, each standing strong in their convictions.  The world is full of choices and we have the right to choose a side, or simply stand alone, if we so choose.

When I say the prayer of the Apostle's (The Apostle's Creed) I think about how strongly I believe in not just the 12th line which speaks of everlasting (eternal) life but all 11 lines before that one.

I BELIEVE IN GOD THE FATHER, ALMIGHTY, MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH.
I do believe that my higher power resides in the heavens above and that it was in fact God that created earth and all living things which lives on earth with me.  Although I believe the earth to be round and spinning us along as we journey on it, I do not condemn those that believe the earth is flat and carries us step by step towards everlasting life once we take our last breath on the earth created by Him.

AND IN JESUS CHRIST, HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, OUR LORD.
I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God and it is through him and his love for us that will allow us to forge on to eternal life.  Even in recent days where the marital status of Jesus Christ is being questioned, I falter not on my belief that my sins on earth will be evaluated in purgatory and forgiven as I walk into my eternal life in Heaven.  I do not believe that as a married man Jesus Christ's impact on our future walk with his Father will hold any less value as it would as a single man.

WHO WAS CONCEIVED BY THE HOLY GHOST, BORN OF THE VIRGIN MARY.
The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost.  The Holy Trinity which defines God as three divine persons.  It would be hard to believe in one and not the others.  As declared by the Fourth Lateran Council, it is the Father who generates, the Son who is begotten, and the Holy Ghost who proceeds.  One God, three persons, all divine with different roles in our journey back to where it all began.

SUFFERED UNDER PONTIUS PILATE; WAS CRUCIFIED, DIED AND BURIED: HE DESCENDED INTO HELL:
I believe Jesus was crucified and in death he was buried and for three days he spent time in the damnation of hell so that when our last breath is taken we will not descend, but our spirit and our soul will rise to purgatory to sit in solemn silence as we reflect on how we chose to live on earth amongst our brothers and sisters. 

THE THIRD DAY HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD
I believe that on the third day when Jesus rose from his death and the days he spent in hell was to teach us that as we live on God's earth and journey from here to His Promise Land we should never forgot that the life we live amongst each other should be one of kindness and forgiveness and that we should not judge each other because in the end God will judge us, and only he has that right.

HE ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN, AND SITS AT THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD THE FATHER ALMIGHTY.
I believe that Jesus Christ ascended into Heaven.  I believe that Hell was Jesus' purgatory and he went straight to God's House and sits at the right hand of God, a place of honor.  With great dignity and respect it showed us how Jesus Christ was placed next to God in ruler ship of our transition from earth to Heaven.  I believe that because of Jesus' unselfish way of spending three days in hell it has prevented us from having to suffer that demise and allows us to rest in purgatory to show sorrow for our sins on earth.

FROM THENCE HE SHALL COME TO JUDGE THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.
I believe that Jesus Christ sits at the right hand of his Father in judgement of the living and the dead.  I do not believe we should fear this judgement as all sins will be forgiven.  I believe that although we will be forgiven for the wrongs we have done, it is in purgatory where we will be expected to show our sorrow and our desire to not only be forgiven but to forgive ourselves as we realize our selfishness on earth and failure to live by the Word of God.

I BELIEVE IN THE HOLY GHOST.
I believe in the third person of God and its divine contribution to the Trinity.  I believe it is the Holy Ghost who reveals the truths of the Gospel as written.  I believe the Holy Ghost cleanses us of our sins once we have proven our true sorrow. I believe it is the Holy Ghost who enters our hearts, our minds and our souls as we struggle to do all that is right and be the kind of follower of God He wants us to be.  I believe it is the spirit of the Holy Ghost which allows us to enjoy the peace we crave in trouble times in a troubled world.

I BELIEVE IN THE HOLY CATHOLIC CHURCH: THE COMMUNION OF SAINTS.
Communion of Saints is the church.  All things good from all good people is the makeup of a church.  Jesus sits at the head of the table and the Saints of the Bible sit with him.  The congregation also makes up the communion of Saints and joins them in their feast, listening to the teachings of our Lord and spreading the word of the Gospel.  I believe the church helps me obtain a peace and a calm that I could not reach without God in my life.

THE FORGIVENESS OF SINS.
I believe our sins are forgiven as long as we learn a lesson and do not repeat the mistakes we have made.  I believe it is OK to ask God for forgiveness when we fall off the path He has sat in front of us.  I believe we are expected to forgive the sins of others and not judge others for the mistakes they make. 

THE RESURRECTION OF THE BODY.
While this is open to many interputations my personal belief is that the body does not resurrection but the soul does.  I believe that Jesus Christ will someday once again appear on earth in a second coming to make all right with the world once again.  I believe that those whose souls are resurrected aredone through another form of life.  I believe the spirits flow down from Heaven and fly amongst us and we can feel them around us, but we cannot see them.

AND THE LIFE EVER AFTER ...

Eternal Life:  I believe we live forever even after we take our last breath of life on earth. I believe God loves us all equally and we are all given the opportunity to sit in his Garden and reflect on the life we chose to live on earth.  Believers and non-believers alike will be given the chance to renew their faith in the Creator of the world and His teachings from the many different faiths and the bibles they teach from.  All will be awarded the gift of looking back on the journey they have taken on borrowed time in a world loaned to them by a Higher Power whose Promise Land is an eternity of happiness, peace and love.

An open mind and a loving heart is the bridge between the earth we walk on today and the Heavens we believe will provide us with life after death. 

Family: A Child's Love For Their Mother Never Fades

To the most beautiful mother in heaven,

I hope I am making you proud as I work my way on my earth's journey to join you and my siblings in heaven some day.  I had a dream about you last night that left me with a heavy heartache today, missing you more then ever.  In my dream I was taken back to the day we had to let you go.  It is a day that haunts my mind often and a day I always wonder if I should wish I could go back to.  It is hard not knowing if we made the right decision to take you off the machines and let you decide if you were strong enough to live, or if you were ready to let go.

It brings back the entire grieving process I began on that day and I continue to mourn your death as life takes new turns today.  I do not ever remember being so angry at anyone in my life thus far as I was with you when we found out you decided you were ready to go home to God.  I always thought how odd it was that my anger was not directed towards God but I directed it towards you.  It was one of the most selfish acts I can remember having in my life.  I hope you now realize that it was not anger I was directing towards you, it was fear.  Fear of traveling through life on earth without the person who always accepted me for who I was, and being proud of me no matter what I did.  Fear of no one else being able to accept me completely with flaws and all.  Fear of one more person leaving me on a path in life that never seems safe, never seems secure.  It left me wondering when the next person impacting my life in such a positive way would leave next, and who would that be.  I still hold that fear today.

We were best friends after Jacelyn died.  I know what a reach it was for you to give me the things you could.  I know how hard you tried to compensate me for the ugliness my 'dad" brought into my life.  The hours we spent together before he came home from work were filled with love and fun.  I hope I did a great job then of expressing to you how much I appreciated all you gave me.  From the ages of 7 to 14 you provided enough of the things I needed in life that helped me become who I am today.
 
I never blamed you for the icky's he provided to us in our life together.  I always felt you tried the best you could to make the days as bright as you could, knowing the darkness of night would cast shadows on me that would never go away as the sun set for the rest of the days of my life. Until the day you left your journey on earth and I knew I would be once again mourning the loss of a family member who was also my friend.  I remember thinking that you probably were just taking the easy way out of life.  That if you let yourself go I would be so preoccupied with missing you I would be less frustrated with you for the life you lived and the life you were living.  I do hope you can see in my heart from heaven how much I would love having you back in my life the way it used to be, even if it meant reliving the life we did in the Bushnell home.  I miss you that much Mom.

I never resented having to help you make decisions in your life when you could no longer think on your own.  It hurt me to watch your mind give way to how you thought and how you acted.  It was hard to watch you not be able to make the simple decisions as to what to order when we went out to eat, or what to wear one day from the next.  It was frustrating to me that you could help Jordy and I be so organized and clean, yet you could not think with your own mind enough to even remember to feed yourself.  But I never resented helping you take care of yourself.  I knew the alternative was a much worse scenario then what we had.

You were a great Mom and you did a great job of making sure the things we needed in life were met to the best of your abilities.  I never judged you for the mistakes he made or the things he did to us.  I always knew it was ten times worse for you then it was for us.  I never questioned how you could let me leave your life when I was 14 and as hard as it was for me to move 24 hours away I always knew you did it so I would survive the abuse inflicted on me and have a better chance of a long journey on earth.  I know my dreams can now come true because you let me go.  I am still working on the day I realize my dreams will come true, even though I let you go. 

I will never let go of you Mom, but someday maybe I can let go guilt I hold of the day we had to decided to let you go from earth.  I know you are in heaven looking down on us, me, Jordy, Mikey, Jake, and the misfit family we put together.   I know lots of things, but the one thing I really wish I could 'feel' from you is that you know I love you, and I miss you, and I am sorry for the times I made life difficult for you.

We didn't have many of the things we wanted in our Bushnell life, and we probably can admit at this stage in our lives that we often went without the needs as well.  But we always had your love Mom, and we will always have the memories of the fun times we embraced around the  life that we had.  If I ever failed to let you know how much I appreciate all you did, and all you went through, to make our lives better I sure hope you can reach inside the widow of my heart and find how it now.

If the only way I can visit you is in my dreams through the pain of the memories of the day we decided to let you go and see if you stayed or left I will take that.  I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.  It's as if a part of me dies each time I think about the day your beautiful spirit left earth. 

I hope you are proud of me Mom and I hope I am living the life of someone who once his journey ends on earth, gets to spend it in eternity next to you. 

Hugs and Love, from my heart to yours,

Jett