I often blog about those in my life that have passed on from their journey on earth to begin their next journey after they have taken their final breath on earth. In my blogs I use the memories I had made with these loved ones to reference who they were to me in life. I don't have to reach very far into my heart to find the words to convey the pain I have over them being gone. I mourn and grieve for them daily as I continue my walk with out them on the earth.
I know I grieve too much at times and I know it consumes a great deal of my time. I do not think it is harmful really, to miss those I love no longer with me. I believe it is as natural to mourn death as it is to celebrate life. I do believe it hinders my relationships a great deal with those still walking my journey on earth with me. I did not realize this until the middle of this week when my only living sibling invited me to lunch. As of last Wednesday he is not only my only living sibling, he is now the only other living member of our family. The two of us left together on earth, to carry on without the siblings we can never replace.
We received news that our natural father had passed away. He has not been in my life for the last six years and it has been even longer since he has been in my brothers life. In the past several years I often thought about how although the mental, physical, and sexual abuse was heinous, the aftermath of it was just as horrible. The sleepless nights, the nightmares, the looking over the should to make sure he was no longer sneaking up on me were just as abusive as the actual violence he inflicted on me.
This is not about him, this is about my brother Jordy. My brother who rescued me from the Bushnell house the last time my natural father ever laid a hand on me. The brother, who absent from my life for almost seven years, dropped everything and came back from the east coast to get me. The brother who was barely 21 himself, who took on a 14 year old kid, who was as broken as a kid could be. The brother that had no clue how to raise me, where to begin, what to do with me.
We fought constantly, him trying to parent me and me reminding him he was my brother, not my mother. I was angry at where I was in life and failed to note that he completely altered his life to help me become a man. I've always been a little angry with Jordy for leaving home when he was 14, to escape the abuse I now know. I was angry with him because I watched our mom cry as she would come across a picture of him, or a card he had written to her, or an article of clothing he left behind. There was never any doubt in my heart that I loved him like a brother should, but the anger pushed that love down so deep in my heart that I failed to remember the reasons I did love him.
Jordy is seven years older then I am and I was seven years old when he left the Bushnell home in hopes of a better life for himself. In the six years that followed the day he left home we probably seen him maybe six times a year. I would see my mom cry all over again after he showed up then left as quickly as he came. I saw her pain and I hated seeing the tears. What I never saw was the pain in my brothers heart. That would all change in the few days following the news of the death of natural father.
I waited for the day the news would come to us regarding his death. Justice was served the battle was won. The man who others called my dad and was simply known to me as SD (sperm donor) was dead. I felt relief in knowing that he could not only never hurt me again, but the world could rest easy, knowing he could never hurt another human being again. I would not mourn the death of the man who never celebrated my life. I would celebrate his death by remembering all those lives he ruined so carelessly and recklessly. It mattered not to me that his final breath on earth had been taken.
It somewhat surprised me when my brother took the death of him so hard. He was so lost in the grief of it all that he actually asked me to explain to him what he was feeling. I had never seen my brother so down before, so out of it, so lost in his world. Jordy is always the level headed one, the driven force behind his success was unmatched by anyone else I knew. He is strong and confident and achieved things beyond the impossible. He is a strong family man with values and morals never shown inside the house on Bushnell in Sioux City, IA. He is a faithful loyal husband and a great father to his two little girls. He is financially stable, gainfully employed, and well respected and know through out his community. He has a great sense of humor and a kindness about him he reveals to those he is loyal to.
It was time for me to stand tall, reach out to my brother in his time of need. To let him lean on me for comfort and support. To let go of my comfort in this death and let him mourn and grieve for the dad he wanted this man to be to him, to us. To let him cry, let him talk, let him share his thoughts about the past, as well as the future, in the present we were now in. In doing this, in letting go of all my feelings, I saw a different side to this brother who I failed to be a brother to. I realized today that while I was mourning the death of my brother Joey (as well as my other brother, sister, and mother) I failed to celebrate the life of the brother who stands by me as I journey on earth.
While I expected Jordy to understand my pain, and celebrate my success, I was not living up to the expectations of being a brother back to him. I was not involved enough in his life beyond his success to understand his pain and his grief for all we have lost. I failed to recognize that he too, absent of a mom and a dad, needed someone to comfort him, and let him know how proud I am of all he has done. To be understanding of how he must feel. After all, he went through the very same things in that house that I did, as the brothers before us did.
I have not been an unconditional type brother to Jordy as he has been to me. I have not been mindful of the lack of love he must have been feeling from the only living brother that he has. I have not sought out a way to build on our relationship and reach out to him, not just in my time of need, but in his as well. I never really thought of my brother as needing me until today. I never took notice that he may have weakness's that I may be able to help him with. I never knew he thought I was strong enough to let him lean on me in his times of trouble. I never knew. But now I do.
To my brother Jordy: Forgive me brother, for not being the brother to you that you have been to me. Thank you for allowing me to see the side of you I failed to realize existed. I am proud of you Jordy, for all you have done and all you will do. I love you, more than you will ever know. I get it. I understand. I will be next to you when you fall, just as you are there for me. You ain't heavy ... you're my brother.
Jett
HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER
The Hollie's
The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother...
He ain't heavy, he's my brother...
