Philippians 1:3
"I THANK MY GOD IN ALL MY REMEMBRANCE OF YOU"
Dear Little Gracie, my Angel in Heaven,
God's Grace continues to fill me with hope of everlasting life as my journey on earth continues even though yours has reached beyond a breath of life. Last night my routine was broken when my internet server failed me in my attempts to blog. I was in a very dark place and not very happy with the interruptions of my plans. I laid in bed with a bit of anger flowing through my veins. As I tried to clear my mind from everything that was negative in it at this time thoughts of our time together writing your story, my story, OUR story fell upon me.
I got out of bed, went to the journals we built upon together and hauled everything you and I shared back to my bed and spread them out to take a look at where I was in our paper journey together, mine from earth and yours from the heavens above. As I sifted through the blogs and pictures and poems we wrote I could feel you with me, turning my mood around. I smiled, I laughed, and I cried as I held close the memories we shared. I picked up the little pink journal you wrote all our pinky promises in, listed in order as we made them, one pinky promise swear at a time. I held that little pink journal tight to my heart, almost as if I could push it inside and get close to you and the moments we shared.
The tears that fell from my eyes closed so tight, trying to turn back time, were warm as they rolled down my cheeks. As I wiped them from my face and felt the stubble of whiskers from my day I smiled as I thought about all the times you told me to shave. You didn't ask, you bossed. That was our way. I released the tight grip I had on that pink journal as I pulled it away from my heart to open it up to read our promises to each other. Opening it up to a random page I read "make sure you take care of my mommy and daddy and I will make sure I find your mommy and take care of her for you". I remember the visit that promise was made and how we talked about how when your final breath was taken here, your next breath would be taken in heaven as you sat next to Joey who you told me over and over again was waiting for you to be your angel guide.
Sifting through those pages of promises in your hand writing was as painful as it was rewarding. The tears that fell as I read were little pings of pain falling out of my heart last night. Promise after promise, as I read each word, brought back memories that were sad reminders of a little girl who filled my heart with more love then I could possibly give back to the little heart whose beats would soon fade as she was lifted up beyond earth, through space, landing in the home she would never have to abandon again.
My hands trembled as I sat down the pink promise journal and picked up the notebook we used when I asked you the questions I had for you and wrote the answers down you gave me. "What scares you the most about knowing that you will one day be gone from earth?" was my question. "I am not afraid to die Jett, I know God will let me live with him. It does not scare me to die." I remember very clearly the talk we had after that question because it was the first time we talked about God. I was in awe of the eight year old little girl sitting next to me answering that tough question with so much faith in life beyond the world. As I read through that book and the answers you gave to the questions I would ask you I realized I was still in awe of the deep faith and love you had for God and his plan for you. I remember thinking about how you told me you were not afraid to die, but I was certainly scared of you leaving.
I read on to a point where I asked you on one of our 'interview' visits, "if you could have one wish Gracie, what would you wish for?" Your answer was not what I expected it to be, but as I got to you know as we spent more time together it became understandable when you replied "that no one else ever has to die of cancer like I am going to". Again, sadness filled up inside of me, pushing out warm tears that ran down my face as if it were just moments ago we said our final goodbye to each other here on earth. As I pushed the tears of sadness away and the warm tears touched the palms of my hands I thought about how when I cried because of you the tears were warm, all others times I cry in sadness they are cold. I smiled as the thought of your warmth within my heart, releasing tears warmed by your touch from so many clouds away.
I stopped in to check on your parents today on the way home from campus. Pulling into that driveway and looking at the window straight ahead of me that I often saw you standing at peering out waiting for me to arrive for a visit seemed lonely. Walking up the steps to the porch and standing at the door that had you standing on the other side smiling to me as you turned the lock, teasing me about how you were not allowed to let strangers in saddened my heart today. Sitting in the room visiting with your parents brought back fond memories of how we used to sit and watch Footloose together, play barbies in, and continue to write your story together felt empty to me today.
When your parents and I went into the room you spent your last days in it did not feel the same liveliness in it as when we sat and sang songs or colored together. Once I opened up that closet where you left all those great drawings and words it once again came to life. I sat in that closet today enjoying all the life you left behind. The rainbows, the drawings, the hand prints, the personal messages. Every time I visit that shrine you made I see something else I never saw before. Like today, when I saw that little lipstick kiss you put on my hand print that you outlined. I never noticed before that you took a pink pencil and colored the outline of your little kiss that would leave a lasting impression on that piece of art.
I miss you Gracie, every second of every day I miss you as much as I miss Joey and my Mom. I find comfort in thoughts of you all together keeping the rest of us here moving along in life. I love working on our story of your life and relishing in the moments you shared with me. When I miss your smile I close my eyes and remember the grins. When I miss your laugh I open my ears and hear your laugh in the laughter of others around me. I miss everything about you that we shared in our breathes on earth. I long for the day where we will lay together on a cloud and drift around shining down on the lives left below.
TURN TURN TURN
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late
I love you Gracie, I miss you!
