My dad asked me to not continue blogging the journal of my good friend Ce'dric. I explained to him that everyone deals with grief differently and this is my way of letting go of the anger I feel for Ce'dric taking his own life. In an effort to understand why he did this to us I felt it was an important thing to do. The more I read his last months journal and the careful steps he took to plan his death, the more I understand why he felt this is something he had to do. I don't at all agree this as any ones 'way out' of their journey on earth, but I am beginning to understand what he was feeling, what he was thinking, what he had to leave behind to find peace in the death of his girlfriend Alana.
I asked his dad George if he was bothered by the blogging aspect of Ce'dric's journals. He told me there was no doubt who needed those journals in their hands and that Ce'dric was not a writer therefore he left them for a purpose. No, he would not read the blogs I wrote, but he would be fine for me to let others know the pain of his sons life, and the pain of his sons death.
I am well aware there are blog followers who will chose not to read this series of my blogs and that there will be new followers who chose to read them. The sadness in them coming from the weeping heart of a boy who lost his passion to live without his love tells a story about life, and the want for life beyond a breath of life.
Ce'dric had so many friends in so many areas of his life. I was lucky to have met him through the skating community and we became friends, and ran with the same gang of friends. When I hung up my hockey skates competition wise I would go weeks without seeing Ceddy but each time we connected for guy time it was like we had never missed a beat in our friendship. He's still my friend, just from miles away. ~ Jett
May 1, 2013: Wednesday:
I knew of two things for certain when I woke up this morning. 1) my mom would have a May Day basket outside my bedroom door, as was tradition for as far back as I could remember and 2) today I go full force back into life, preparing my family and friends for the beginning of the end of me in their lives.
I don't even feel the need to begin to apologize at this point, just go about showing them how much I love them. The lies will thicken with each smile I share with them now. I have to be as normal as I usually am, but throw in a bit of 'OK, I'm moving on'.
I asked my mom if I could shopping with her after she got home from work. I told her I could help her carry them in and put them away. I laughed on the outside as I lied on the inside "I think I should get to pick out my favorite snacks for a change, instead of my brothers." She bought that with a smile as big as her heart. I would make this a weekly trip with her, so she had the memory of me filling her cart up with junk, junk she normally wouldn't buy had I not been along.
May 2, 2013: Thursday:
First thing this morning I was up as soon as I heard my dad moving about. He ran every morning like clockwork, today I would ask him if I could run with him. "I need some fresh air and I want to get my lungs back, get ready to skate, I'm out of sync with my body." He bought that with a smile as big as his heart and off we ran, father and son. No words were spoken but I could feel his pride. He would have the memory of the next 30 days of me running by his side, 30 minutes a day of silence, as if all was alright.
Some of the guys stopped by tonight and wanted me to hang. I did, I was happy to, on the outside. On the inside I wanted to be with them a few more times so they would remember me as part of their gang. We bonded on the ice first and became friends fast. I would remind them of how we met and how we formed a brotherhood that would last a life time. I wanted to make sure they never forgot the road that lead us to that brotherhood.
May 3, 2013: Friday:
Tough night this has been, another weekend is here without my sweet girl Alana. I was funked deep, in a mode I could not break. I wanted to just take my girl out for a nice dinner and love her best I could. Instead I went to the cemetery, the resting place that was a pile of dirt a little bigger then the casket they buried under it. No headstone yet I thought to myself, what the hell takes so long for that? I hope that don't hold up my plans any. Plenty of time I thought, I have the whole month of May and then some.
May 4, 2013: Saturday (Week 4):
Headed into week four since Alana left on her own terms. I have no words to how numb my body feels. The last three weeks drug by but I know I have to keep moving. My boys called today looking for me to play some pick up hockey with them. They don't get it so I don't even try to explain. I tell them I have plans with my family. It's a lie, but just a little one. Tonight I told Adrian and Avery I would watch movies with them. A marathon. Popcorn, fudge, cokes, chips, the works. We haven't done this for a while and I knew it would be a good memory for them. It was a good night, lots of laughs, on the outside. Inside the pain is equal to death anyway. Sleep is something I suddenly crave a lot of. Less to deal with.
May 5, 2013: Sunday:
Church. Ugh. Dread this more then anything these days. Sorry Jett.
I met up with my friends Jett and Chad today for a sandwich. It was nice, really, I'm going to miss these boys. I hate that I can't look at anyone anymore without wondering what they are thinking. Probably the only one I know that I trust to speak his mind is Jett. Chad avoided eye contact with me but it was a good sandwich and a nice time. I get more time with my boys this month I just need to be selective about my lies, avoid the rink. It's not hard for me to do, it's hard for them. It's still their reason to live It hasn't been mine since I met Alana. I didn't have to balance my love for the game with her, she stole the show. How I miss her, but knowing I'm headed her way keeps me motivated to end things here before I end it all.
May 6, 2013: Monday:
A run with dad today, he seems to be enjoying running side by side with me. I'm glad I put that on my bucket list to do. Lately we have been sitting in the kitchen after our run drinking an orange juice. Talking. He asks me way to much how I'm doing. He's "happy to see you getting back to life, I know you miss her, but she would want you to go forward." I know dad, I know.
Stevo and Mason stopped by the house today. Skate skate skate. I remember when I lived to skate. These days I live to die. I have great friends and I am now doubting if they will understand why I am leaving them behind soon. My boys remind me of our motto with each other "never trust anyone, not even me. I could tell you truth or lie like a lazy dog, just to make your day better, or worse." Love my skate boys, some of the funniest crap happens when we get together.
May 7, 2013: Tuesday:
I went to Alana's room today. Her parents have yet to take care of her things. I laid on her bed thinking about the plans we already made for our future together, that is before she left without me. It's ok, we will still be together, just differently. I lifted some things from her room today, I don't think her family would mind, they don't know the meaning behind the things I took. I wanted to tell them "don't worry, these will go exactly where they belong soon".
I look around her room, I will visit it a few more times before I stop coming around. Going there will raise suspicion on how I am doing, or not doing. Stop coming around and spending time in her room will show everyone how well I am doing, moving on without her. Lies. Lies. More Lies. But it won't matter in the end. Everyone that loved her felt this same pain and chose to move on. I did not. I will not move on without being with her. So the lies continue.
May 8, 2013: Wednesday:
Mom and I went out to dinner tonight before we grocery shopped. I told her "buy a poor broke kid a meal will ya ma?" She bought right into it. Oh you are doing so well she would tell me. It was a great day with mom and I know she will remember this dinner for a long time. She liked that I flirted with the waitress, or at least acted like I was interested. That was easy but truth be known, I haven't been interested in any other girl on earth since the day I laid eyes on Alana. My heart knew before my mind knew that she was the one. The only one. Sorry mom, but I need you to believe I am trying.
May 9, 2013: Thursday:
Played racquet ball today with Avery. He was surprised when he asked me and I said yes. That made both of us happy. I hate the game he loves. It's his gig and he's a damn good player. I think he gets it more then Adrian. Avery is going on 14 soon and he is noticing girls more and more. So he will understand the whole scene Alana played out and the broken heart inside my chest. He asked me how I was doing. "I'm OK Av, I miss her but I can't bring her back". A lie, but not a real lie. I can't bring her back but I can go to her. Sorry Avery, brother, but my life has become a game so I can meet death.
May 10, 2013: Friday:
F$(#*ing Friday's. It's unbearable and if anyone tells me I will be alright today I could punch them real easily. I'm avoiding Jett on Fridays from here on out. Friday's are like a no lie day zone. I am too close to the truth on Fridays, knowing its one more weekend away from my girl, yet one more weekend closer to her too.
I warded everyone off today, all day. Lied to all of them. Everyone thought I was with someone else so no one bothered me. I was with Alana, or at least her corpse. I love her to much to be mad at her. I wanted to reach down and pull her back out of the earth. It was hard to walk away from her tonight, go lay in my own bed and think about how much I miss her.
I hate the weekends the most. Just a few more.
I asked his dad George if he was bothered by the blogging aspect of Ce'dric's journals. He told me there was no doubt who needed those journals in their hands and that Ce'dric was not a writer therefore he left them for a purpose. No, he would not read the blogs I wrote, but he would be fine for me to let others know the pain of his sons life, and the pain of his sons death.
I am well aware there are blog followers who will chose not to read this series of my blogs and that there will be new followers who chose to read them. The sadness in them coming from the weeping heart of a boy who lost his passion to live without his love tells a story about life, and the want for life beyond a breath of life.
Ce'dric had so many friends in so many areas of his life. I was lucky to have met him through the skating community and we became friends, and ran with the same gang of friends. When I hung up my hockey skates competition wise I would go weeks without seeing Ceddy but each time we connected for guy time it was like we had never missed a beat in our friendship. He's still my friend, just from miles away. ~ Jett
May 1, 2013: Wednesday:
I knew of two things for certain when I woke up this morning. 1) my mom would have a May Day basket outside my bedroom door, as was tradition for as far back as I could remember and 2) today I go full force back into life, preparing my family and friends for the beginning of the end of me in their lives.
I don't even feel the need to begin to apologize at this point, just go about showing them how much I love them. The lies will thicken with each smile I share with them now. I have to be as normal as I usually am, but throw in a bit of 'OK, I'm moving on'.
I asked my mom if I could shopping with her after she got home from work. I told her I could help her carry them in and put them away. I laughed on the outside as I lied on the inside "I think I should get to pick out my favorite snacks for a change, instead of my brothers." She bought that with a smile as big as her heart. I would make this a weekly trip with her, so she had the memory of me filling her cart up with junk, junk she normally wouldn't buy had I not been along.
May 2, 2013: Thursday:
First thing this morning I was up as soon as I heard my dad moving about. He ran every morning like clockwork, today I would ask him if I could run with him. "I need some fresh air and I want to get my lungs back, get ready to skate, I'm out of sync with my body." He bought that with a smile as big as his heart and off we ran, father and son. No words were spoken but I could feel his pride. He would have the memory of the next 30 days of me running by his side, 30 minutes a day of silence, as if all was alright.
Some of the guys stopped by tonight and wanted me to hang. I did, I was happy to, on the outside. On the inside I wanted to be with them a few more times so they would remember me as part of their gang. We bonded on the ice first and became friends fast. I would remind them of how we met and how we formed a brotherhood that would last a life time. I wanted to make sure they never forgot the road that lead us to that brotherhood.
May 3, 2013: Friday:
Tough night this has been, another weekend is here without my sweet girl Alana. I was funked deep, in a mode I could not break. I wanted to just take my girl out for a nice dinner and love her best I could. Instead I went to the cemetery, the resting place that was a pile of dirt a little bigger then the casket they buried under it. No headstone yet I thought to myself, what the hell takes so long for that? I hope that don't hold up my plans any. Plenty of time I thought, I have the whole month of May and then some.
May 4, 2013: Saturday (Week 4):
Headed into week four since Alana left on her own terms. I have no words to how numb my body feels. The last three weeks drug by but I know I have to keep moving. My boys called today looking for me to play some pick up hockey with them. They don't get it so I don't even try to explain. I tell them I have plans with my family. It's a lie, but just a little one. Tonight I told Adrian and Avery I would watch movies with them. A marathon. Popcorn, fudge, cokes, chips, the works. We haven't done this for a while and I knew it would be a good memory for them. It was a good night, lots of laughs, on the outside. Inside the pain is equal to death anyway. Sleep is something I suddenly crave a lot of. Less to deal with.
May 5, 2013: Sunday:
Church. Ugh. Dread this more then anything these days. Sorry Jett.
I met up with my friends Jett and Chad today for a sandwich. It was nice, really, I'm going to miss these boys. I hate that I can't look at anyone anymore without wondering what they are thinking. Probably the only one I know that I trust to speak his mind is Jett. Chad avoided eye contact with me but it was a good sandwich and a nice time. I get more time with my boys this month I just need to be selective about my lies, avoid the rink. It's not hard for me to do, it's hard for them. It's still their reason to live It hasn't been mine since I met Alana. I didn't have to balance my love for the game with her, she stole the show. How I miss her, but knowing I'm headed her way keeps me motivated to end things here before I end it all.
May 6, 2013: Monday:
A run with dad today, he seems to be enjoying running side by side with me. I'm glad I put that on my bucket list to do. Lately we have been sitting in the kitchen after our run drinking an orange juice. Talking. He asks me way to much how I'm doing. He's "happy to see you getting back to life, I know you miss her, but she would want you to go forward." I know dad, I know.
Stevo and Mason stopped by the house today. Skate skate skate. I remember when I lived to skate. These days I live to die. I have great friends and I am now doubting if they will understand why I am leaving them behind soon. My boys remind me of our motto with each other "never trust anyone, not even me. I could tell you truth or lie like a lazy dog, just to make your day better, or worse." Love my skate boys, some of the funniest crap happens when we get together.
May 7, 2013: Tuesday:
I went to Alana's room today. Her parents have yet to take care of her things. I laid on her bed thinking about the plans we already made for our future together, that is before she left without me. It's ok, we will still be together, just differently. I lifted some things from her room today, I don't think her family would mind, they don't know the meaning behind the things I took. I wanted to tell them "don't worry, these will go exactly where they belong soon".
I look around her room, I will visit it a few more times before I stop coming around. Going there will raise suspicion on how I am doing, or not doing. Stop coming around and spending time in her room will show everyone how well I am doing, moving on without her. Lies. Lies. More Lies. But it won't matter in the end. Everyone that loved her felt this same pain and chose to move on. I did not. I will not move on without being with her. So the lies continue.
May 8, 2013: Wednesday:
Mom and I went out to dinner tonight before we grocery shopped. I told her "buy a poor broke kid a meal will ya ma?" She bought right into it. Oh you are doing so well she would tell me. It was a great day with mom and I know she will remember this dinner for a long time. She liked that I flirted with the waitress, or at least acted like I was interested. That was easy but truth be known, I haven't been interested in any other girl on earth since the day I laid eyes on Alana. My heart knew before my mind knew that she was the one. The only one. Sorry mom, but I need you to believe I am trying.
May 9, 2013: Thursday:
Played racquet ball today with Avery. He was surprised when he asked me and I said yes. That made both of us happy. I hate the game he loves. It's his gig and he's a damn good player. I think he gets it more then Adrian. Avery is going on 14 soon and he is noticing girls more and more. So he will understand the whole scene Alana played out and the broken heart inside my chest. He asked me how I was doing. "I'm OK Av, I miss her but I can't bring her back". A lie, but not a real lie. I can't bring her back but I can go to her. Sorry Avery, brother, but my life has become a game so I can meet death.
May 10, 2013: Friday:
F$(#*ing Friday's. It's unbearable and if anyone tells me I will be alright today I could punch them real easily. I'm avoiding Jett on Fridays from here on out. Friday's are like a no lie day zone. I am too close to the truth on Fridays, knowing its one more weekend away from my girl, yet one more weekend closer to her too.
I warded everyone off today, all day. Lied to all of them. Everyone thought I was with someone else so no one bothered me. I was with Alana, or at least her corpse. I love her to much to be mad at her. I wanted to reach down and pull her back out of the earth. It was hard to walk away from her tonight, go lay in my own bed and think about how much I miss her.
I hate the weekends the most. Just a few more.
