Friends: LUKE 20:36 - Angels of God

LUKE 20:36

 Neither can they die any more: 

for they are equal unto the angels; 

 and are the children of God, 

being the children of the resurrection.

Talking about death is never an easy thing for most people, especially if the content of the conversation is in regards to someone they have lost.  Depending on your beliefs and acceptance of God's plan for us with an eternal life, the grieving process can be very difficult and last a life time.  I had a conversation with Avery, a thirteen year old who recently lost his mother, his brother and his brothers girlfriend, all to suicides.

Alana hung herself on her 21st birthday, a victim of bulling by girls who could not accept her for who she was which resulted in her not accepting herself as God made her.  Ce'dric shot himself  67 days later, unable to live without the girl he was going to ask to marry him the day she swung.  Less than a month later his mom overdosed on pills and booze, unable to live with the pain of her son's death.  She left behind a husband and two sons, Avery and his ten year old brother Adrian.

Grief and confusion has left the brothers with questions they seek answers too.  I find the way each brother grieves interesting considering there is just three years difference in their ages.  Adrian at the age of ten has the more juvenile approach to his questions that leaves others to wonder if he really understands that death honestly is, the final breath of life on earth.  Avery at the age of thirteen understands the circle of life cycle completely and questions his role in the death of his loved ones.  While both brothers seem to understand the permanent absence of the deaths they have faced, Adrian carries on with his high energy spirit while Avery's spirit has sunk below its normal level.  Adrian carries on as if this tragedy did not happen, only on occasion does he stop to ponder the deaths.  Avery cannot get past the deaths and seems to be avoiding anything that would allow him to enjoy his life, if even for a brief moment.

To give their dad time to care for his own grief without worrying about the boys, us Misfits have them at our house for the weekend.  They came home with us after their mothers funeral services on Thursday.  This presented me the opportunity to sit with Avery out on the deck out back to see if he would open up to me at all about the deaths this family has encountered in the past 2 1/2 months.  The nature of Avery's personality is a quiet one.  He is not near as loaded with the energy of his younger brother who is always on the move.  Avery carries himself on a low key approach to life.  Most that know him probably have already labeled him as lazy even though he is active in sports and is in the top of his class with his studies. 

He is proof in point that you cannot judge a book by its cover.  What you see is not what you get when you are befriended by Avery.  He does not speak often but when he does he speaks volumes.  He is soft spoken but not afraid to speak up.  Sitting out on the deck with him I got to see what's inside this young man, and try to match the pain in his heart with the pain I could see in his eyes. 

On Wednesday I took Adrian to lunch, where we would meet Father Tom who I asked to join us out of concern that Adrian was not understanding what happens beyond a breath of life.  All indications were telling me he was sure since his mom left, his brother could come back.  Adrian asked Father Tom if it would be OK if he was mad at his mom.  His response to Adrian was that it was OK to be upset with her but what purpose does that serve either one of you?  It will not bring her back and it will only slow down the grieving process and it will get in the way of the love you have for your mother.  Adrian thought that was not a good idea, to be mad with her, because he did love her and he didn't want that to get missed in any anger he was not letting go of.  I felt the time we spent with Father Tom was great for Adrian and that it helped him understand death, how permanent it is, and how it's OK to miss our loved ones and how it's important to keep the love we have for them alive in our hearts.

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 

Dr. Suess

On Thursday, as Avery and I sat out on the deck, I wondered if he also wanted to know if it would be OK to be angry about the recent deaths.  Watching him at his mom's funeral today, the mass, the graveside burial, and the luncheon served in the basement of his families church, I saw a whole lot of sadness in Avery's eyes but no outward side of anger coming from with-in.

"How long will I be afraid I am going to die?", Avery asked, breaking the silence we sat in.
"What makes you think that Avery?", I asked.
"I didn't ever think my brother would die, or my mother would die, but they did.  How do I know I won't want to die like they did?", he said.
"You don't know when you are going to die Avery, but you cannot live your life worrying or wondering when you will.  You have to live, or you might as well die.", I told him.

I told him how I was 14 when my brother Joey died when he was 24.  Just like he is 13 and Ce'dric died when he was 23.  I told him I know what he is going through, how tough it is to know how to feel, how to deal.   I told him how you have to work on what is in front of you and that he will have the sadness of his loses with him his whole life.  That sadness never leaves you and as time goes on the pain is still with you but the sadness that stays with you helps to ease the pain of them being gone.

"People mean well Avery, when they tell you it gets easier with time.  They are not lying to you, they are trying to help you with the pain and the sadness. They think they are will give  you hope telling you that it gets easier as you move on.  But really it always hurts and you are always going to be sad for those you miss."

"I will always feel this way?", he asked.


"You will always feel sad when you think of them Avery, " I told him, "It's the memories you have of them that helps you with the sadness.  When you think of all the fun things and all the good things about the time you had with them, it will soften the hurt in your heart.  Without feeling the sadness of them being gone, you would not feel the happiness of the memories they left behind with you."

I explained to him how I miss Joey and my mom so much that some nights I lay in bed and cry for hours.  The pain is as great now as it was when I lost them from my physical world.  It is during these times that I think about all the great times I had when they were here with me.  It brings out the memories of the days when I did not have the pain of them being gone.  I told Avery that the sadness is not going anywhere and grieving for them is something he will always do.  That he has to find a way to move on with his life, enjoy what life is still offering him.

"I fought with Ce'dric the day before he died and I argued with my mom before she died", he revealed to me.

I told him that Ceddy is hanging over a cloud somewhere right now looking down on him.  That he has long forgotten about the argument, same with his mom.  That he has got to let go of that guilt and realize the pain they felt was just way beyond anything they could deal with here on earth. I told Avery about how I came to live in Boston, with my brother Jordy and how we fought all the time and Jake and Mikey moved here to help me and Jordy out, get our lives back on track.  How I love Jordy and I need him, and he needs me.  How we still fight about things, because that is just what brothers do.  I told him how Joey and I used to fight even after he got sick and we knew he was going to die.  "It's just what brothers do, but they love each other enough to get through all that."  I told him how he needs to realize we all make mistakes and that is just part of life.  We have to just work on being the best we can be and move beyond our mistakes.  Take responsibility for them and just keep going.

"Have you ever made mistakes Jett?", he asked.
"No, I'm different Avery, I can do no wrong.", I said.
Avery laughed and smiled at me.
"See that guitar over there I asked?" pointing to the guitar I recently whacked over the railing of our deck out of anger, breaking it beyond repair.  "I did that, now I have to figure out how I'm going to get a new one because I need my music."
He said "How'd you do that?"

So I told him "Well, this is a secret OK?  I told your brother I was trying to kill a bee before it killed me.  But that is not the truth. I was mad at Ce'dric.  I got angry for a moment and at that time it seemed like a good idea to break something I have to replace."

He said "You got mad at him after he died?"

"Yes", I told him, "I am still angry, very sad, but that is selfish of me because he was my friend and I loved him and I miss him.  I may never really understand why he did it Avery, or why your mom did it, but I wasn't living in their pain."

I told Avery its OK to be angry with them, you just can not let that anger over shadow the love you had for them.  I told Avery I feel a bit guilty that I could not see the pain inside his brothers heart.  That I know he was sad Alana left him but I thought he was dealing with it best he could.  I told him that the anger I feel is more out selfishness because I want him here with me and I want a 'redo' to figure out how I could have help him better.  The truth be known, there is nothing we could do to change their fate.  
"It is what it is", I told him.

"It is what it is", he repeated.  
Both of us smiled, because we both knew that it was that phrase that we would hear consistently from Ce'dric. When something didn't make sense, or even if it did, to Ce'dric the best thing to do was walk away from it and say "it is what it is".

  

Avery stood up and came over to where I was standing. "I'm real sorry about your brother and your mom Jett."  He reached out to me for a hug and when I hugged him, he gave me a real hug back.  That was already progress I thought.  "I'm real sorry about your brother and your mom too," I said.