When Her Soul Went To Heaven, Her Heart Stayed Behind

Just because my mother passed away two years ago this coming November 22 does not mean I have forgotten the things she brought into my life.  Just because my mother died two days before Thanksgiving in 2011 does not mean I do not have plenty to be thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving day, but all the days of the year. 

I have not yet fully accepted my mothers death to the point where I can celebrate her life without many tears streaming down my face.  I want to be that strong.  I want to acknowledge that God took her home and she is void of all the sadness she had in her life on earth.  I want to acknowledge that everything she could not enjoy on earth she is enjoying ten-fold in heaven.  I want to acknowledge that she is now in eternity taking care of the children she lost before she herself left.  I believe all that to be true, and I do remember to thank God for the time I did get to spend with her.  I believe in the Circle of Life and I know we are born to die.  I get that. I do.

Losing my mom was very painful and the memories of saying goodbye to her for one last time before we meet again in eternity was difficult to do.  I am still coming to terms with my brother and I making the decision to take her off life support and let her, and GOD, decide if she still had breaths to breathe on earth, or if she was ready to meet her maker.  Everyone says it was the right thing to do, but not everyone has had to make that decision themselves.  It's the best thing to say I guess, when you know someone who is suffering from that decision.  It's just like when someone dies and everyone says the pain of your loss will lesson as time goes on.  It does not, but I know why they say it. I will agree with this should someone ever bring it up, the longer you live the more you realize that when you put your life in GOD's hands, the more understanding you are of his promise of eternity. 

I keep a box full of my favorite memories left from the days when my mom lived with us here on earth.  There were not many things left behind after my mother died but each item in that box I treasure with all my heart.  There are cards, notes, a couple books from my childhood, a calendar and a few other misc items.  I have a journal I have written that is full of memories from the past, times spent with my mom.  I still pick it up and write down thoughts of those days gone by.  Lately I find myself very sad when I pick up that journal or sift through that box of memories.  There are less and less to write down of the memories of my time with my mom.  A sign that this son lost his mother too soon.  A sign that this son will spend the rest of his life with all the memories he has of his mom in a tiny little box.  A sign that those memories, as heartfelt as they are, are the lasting memories of a mothers love, gone.

I was fourteen when I left the Bushnell home and I was barely twenty when my mom passed away.  Our relationship during those six years were hit and miss.  My mom escaped the Bushnell home herself when she moved to PA to live with her sister.  We found each other from there and a short time later she moved to Boston to be near her two remaining living sons, myself and Jordon.   The difference from when we lived in Sioux City IA was we would be taking care of our mom now.  We were the parent figures who would see her through her final years.  We were the sons who would watch her gasp for her last breath and fall quietly into a heavenly slumber.

Today as I rummage through the memory box I keep of my mom I came across an unopened Thanksgiving card that I planned on giving her on Thanksgiving 2011.  I would have, had she not died a few days prior to the holiday.  My hope upon shutting down the machines that were keeping her alive after a massive stroke was that I would be able to present her with that card.  Her final breath took that opportunity away from me so I stuck that card in the memory box, more then likely not even realizing I had done it.  I don't have to open that card to remember the words I printed inside of it.

"Of all the things in my life I can be thankful for Mom, I am most thankful for the gift from GOD for letting me be your son.  What life has not given us on earth, we will be rewarded in heaven.  Thank you, with all my heart, for showing me how to love when love is all you have. 
Much Love, Jett"

The envelope to that card remains sealed.  I am happy to have it with me although I would much rather it be in a box of memories owned by my mom.  In years to come I hope to be able to take out that envelope and run my fingers across the words written across it 'the WORLDS GREATEST MOM', written by the son of the mother who gave him the greatest gift she ever could.  The gift of the love of a mothers heart. 

Two years ago I lost my mom but I never lost the love she had for me.  The tears that fall from my eyes hold much sadness and sorrow for losing my mother.  I can still feel her love for me inside my heart.  I can still hear her voice telling me she loves me.  Two years ago I lost the human form, the earthly body, of the mom that unconditionally loved me.  Two years ago GOD took back the soul he loaned the earth but allowed us to keep her heart with us.  The memories, the laughter, the love.  The kindness, the warmth of her words, the smiles.  The life, gone but not forgotten.

She was born. She lived. She died.  She completed her Circle of Life.  She was a wife, mother, sister, an aunt, a grandmother.  Beyond all of the above, she was a child of GOD.

I love you Mom, more than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow.  Each breath I have taken since the day we had to let you go is one breath closer to seeing you again when GOD will welcome me home.  Tears that fall from the eyes that miss your smile are not just tears of sorrow but also tears of happiness.  Knowing my sister and brothers in heaven are once again wrapped in your loving arms is a great comfort to me here on earth.  Hugs. ~ Jett

Gracie's Love Continues

Heavenly Father, watch with us over your child Lars and grant that he may be restored to that perfect health which it is yours alone to give. Relieve his pain, guard him from all danger, restore to him your gifts of gladness and strength, and raise him up to a life of service to you.
Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

When I find myself walking the halls of Boston's Children Hospital it is a pretty sure bet that my heart is missing my little angel Gracie.  One of my Pinky Promises to Gracie was that I would continue to visit the children in the hospital after Gracie ended her journey on earth and continued it in the heavens above.  I have done it many times since Gracie died, but not near enough to really qualify as keeping that Pinky Promise to her.  It's not a matter of time or lack thereof, but a matter of sadness. 

I am saddened with all the reminders I relive when I walk the halls full of children burdened with illness's that some will survive, some may not, and others certainly will not.  The very same halls I would walk when I went to visit Gracie on her treatment days, or the days when she needed to be there when her mother could not meet her medical needs at home.  The same halls that took me through so many emotions as I walked by room after room.  Laughter from this room and tears from that room.  There are parents comforting their child and children comforting their parents.  There are rooms with silence, the silence of a sleeping child, and the silence of parents that have no idea what to say.  The passing of each door tells the story of the child occupying the room in that long hall that holds very few answers regarding the fate of an ill child.

There are waiting rooms full of family members, parents, siblings, grandparents and friends, each of them waiting their turn in visiting their little loved one.  Their faces hold hope, faith, trust, and fear.  They clutch Bibles and blankets and slippers for little feet.  They hold dolls and toy cars that tell the story of how illness effects their sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, grandsons and granddaughters, effecting both genders, not discriminating against one or the other.  There are nervous smiles to those new to this place and a calmness over those used to this process. 

I walked my way through one hall, turning left onto the next and a sharp right as I pass a few more rooms occupied by children who knew their way around that place, accustom to the layout.  Straight up the next hall, four doors to the left is where I would find myself.  I stand outside the room I used to visit Gracie in many times.  The memories race through my mind, of the days I would stand there and hear Gracie laugh and a few times cry.  I remember the first time I visited her to introduce myself to her and get permission to share her story.  A college project that turned into one of the greatest life's lesson I would ever learn.  A college project that quickly turned into more then a grade, more then an assignment.  A college project that would teach this college kid more about life than any single lesson he had ever had before. 

It has been almost 1 1/2 years since my little Amazing Gracie left this journey and moved on to her eternal life with God.  I can honestly say it seems like just yesterday I met her and we packed her eight years of life into a few short months of our friendship.  I have never stopped loving Gracie and not one single day has passed that I did not pray for her soul and wish her a good night.  I work endlessly on the book her and I wrote together so the world would know the story of her eight years of life as told by her and the story of her death as written by me.  She is a daily part of my life and I am certain I am still a part of her spirit.  My Amazing Grace guardian angel.

As I stood in front of that door today, hesitant to peek in, hesitant to go in, hesitant to see what story now lies beyond that door frame, a smile comes across my face.  It is Gracie that led me here today, to that building, through those halls, landing in front of that room.  It is Gracie holding me accountable to the Pinky Promise of visiting these children often.

I hear a faint little voice,  "Hi".
"Hello," I say, "how are you today?" 
Again, the faint voice of a child, "Just fine."

I walk into the room once occupied by my little Gracie.  It is familiar yet void of the pinky deco that once fit the personality of a little girl who loved dolls, the color pink, and tons of blankets.  They had been replaced with toy trucks, the color green, and sports cards. 

"My name is Jett and I just stopped by to say hi", I said.
"You have a cool name.  My name is Lars. Are you sick too?"
"I am not sick. I am sorry you are sick," I muttered, "I like your room."
"It is like my room at my house, it makes me feel comfortable," Lars said matter of fact.

I sat and talked with Lars for about an hour today.  He told me all about his passion for soccer and baseball.  Lars is eight.  The same age as Gracie was when her soul lifted beyond this earth.  Lars shared with me today that he has HIV/AIDS.  That his birth mother was a drug addict and at birth he was born addicted to drugs and infected with the HIV virus.  He was taken away from his mother at birth and adopted by a new mom and dad.  Lars did not blink an eye as he told me his story.  He went on about his love for the outdoors, his fondness of puppies, his skill for soccer.  I enjoyed the spirit of this kid so much I was surprised that the hour had passed so quickly.

"It was nice meeting you Lars.  By the way, I think you have a cool name as well," I offered up.
"It was fun talking to you, thank you for visiting me today", he said.
I stood up to leave and say goodbye and as I turned towards Lars he had his hand extended out to shake mine.
"It is OK if you do not want to shake hands Jett, lots of people do not because I am sick." 
I took his hand in mine and shook it like we had been friends forever. 
"You don't scare me and I bet I could beat you at soccer too," I told him. 
"No, you can not," Lars said with confidence, "You are old and slow and I am fast and little."
I walked towards the door, smiling because he's funny, shaking my head because he's right.
"Jett?  If you come back and visit and I am still here you can stop and see me some more."
"I'll be back and I'll look for you here.  Right now I'm going to practice my soccer skills, so when you get out of here I can prove to you I'm really not that old."

A final wave from me to Lars, and him to me, and I walked out of that room for the last time thinking about it being Gracie's room.  I realized in that short hour that this room has treated a lot of kids and more then likely will treat a lot more even after Lars is no longer connected to it.

I will return to that building and those halls, walking by those rooms that hold the lives of the Littles of the world.  Some will walk out and never return, some will come and go for treatments and some will be carried out after their souls have drifted up to heaven.  I will continue to work on my Pinky Promise to Gracie and visit those children as often as I can.  I will visit Lars again and him and I will one day kick that soccer ball around for real, and he will probably be better at it than I ever could be.

Thank you Gracie, for all you gave me while on this earth with me and also all you continue to give me from the heavens above.  Miss you deeply and love you dearly.  You rock the halo!

 

Tapping The Heart Of Someone Who Loves You

If you are connected to a social media outlet in any way at all you have more then likely read this quote, or a variation of it. You may have come across it in a magazine or another form of the written word. I would guess that most anyone who can read well has to have at one time or another stumbled across this quote. If you have not, and you are reading this blog, you now are familiar with this quote.

 

We all have at least one person in our lives that fit this to perfection. The issue is that we may  not realize who that individual is in our circle, or what they mean to us. I know who at least six of these individuals are in my life, but I am sure there are many more. Not knowing who yours is, is not a selfish act at all. Knowing who this person is to you and not recognizing what they bring into your life IS a selfish act. Even then it does not mean you do not love this person, or appreciate this person. My personal opinion is that you take things for granted. You have an expectation that lives inside yourself that the things given to you, or the things done for you, are someone else's responsibility.

Stop and think about five things you have in your life that someone else has provided for you. Things that exist in your life because someone else has brought them to you. Give this some thought, choosing those things carefully and try to avoid things you need and focus on five things you wanted. While both needs and wants are things we have in our lives, the wants are the things that will help you understand this lesson in gratitude. 

Here is my initial list in this lesson:
My vehicle:  Given to me by my brother with the help from one of our very dear friends.
My skates: Given to me by my Misfit sister-by-law.
My hockey sticks:  Given to me by a friend who knew at the time I could not afford them.
My journal safe:  Given to me by my dad to protect them from harm.
My guitar:  Given to me by two very close friends who knew what strumming meant to me.

None of which I needed, all of which I wanted, all provided to me by others who reached into their own financial pockets to provide me with things I could live without but made my life a little better. None of those givers are takers and they expected nothing in return. They simply faced battles for me so I would not have to battle through life with things that I wanted. These the same people in my life who provide me with the things I need. These are the same people who quite honestly I feel fit the above quote. These are the same people who provide the needs and wants for everyone in their lives they love without fault. They are unselfish, they are kind, they love unconditionally, they care deeply about their daughters, their sons, their family, their friends, and even the strangers they see in need. They ask for nothing in return, and often get just exactly that.

Think about who those people are in your life. What do you do for them that is unexpected, random? Do you thank them and feel that is enough? Do you overlook the thank you because you have become so used to what they sacrifice for you that you often do not see it, or worse, expect it, from them? Do you ever just sit outside their door at night, with your back against it, and listen to hear their pain? Hear the sniffles of the tears they never let you see fall? Do you ever take time to just observe them through the day? See the beat of their heart in the actions they take to help others? Witness their behavior as they move through their day helping others achieve their goals and their dreams, setting their own to the side? 

I encourage and urge you to find those people in your life who provide you with an unconditional love so great you will never have to worry about your needs or your wants again. Provide them with the most random acts of kindness you can think of. Be careful in how you choose those random acts of kindness, remembering that chores are not random. Random is something unexpected that tells someone through a kind action that you know you are loved unconditionally. That you know the difference between needs and wants and that the wants in your life are appreciated. A random act of kindness is something you do to make someone else feel thought of. Think about things that make your heart happy when someone does something for you completely unexpected with no expectation of getting something in return. The best random acts of kindness are free. Little notes left in places only they have access to. Sharing a funny moment of your day with someone because you know they will enjoy the story and laugh with you. A hug for no reason at all. A homemade greeting card for no reason at all. Drawing a picture and taping it to the door they exit through first thing in the morning.  

My personal goal each day is to make someone smile. To give their heart a little tap that lets them know they are loved. Family, friends, strangers ... it really makes no difference when I reach out to let someone know that someone cares. It's not just the kind thing to do, it's the Christian thing to do. I have always been the guy that stood up for the kid getting picked on because he's different than others. I know that makes me a bully's bully and I always try to use words of reason before I lash out with anger and lecture a bully on the etiquette of kindness and accepting others for who they are and not who we would like them to be. 

I also try not to forget about those that cry silently behind doors when their hearts feel forgotten. I try to remember that the gentlest tap on someone heart can remind them that they are loved and appreciated. Those whose unconditional love provide me with the things I need in life and support me with the things I want, even when I do not expect for, or ask for, them. Giving back to those that give with no expectation of anything in return is rewarding to my heart and hopefully makes their hearts feel a steady rhythm of being loved in return.

Thinking further into this lesson of random acts of kindness to repay those with hearts of gold that silently suffer alone when no one seems to appreciate what is given to them I find myself thinking about God. I realize that God provides me with everything I need when I place my life in his hands. It is because of Him that I have in my life the people I need to walk my journey on earth with. It is Him who has given me the people in my life that support not just my needs, but my wants as well. It is God that has placed these unselfish people in my life and it is God who is pleased when I gave back unselfishly to those that unselfishly give to me. It is not just the givers hearts I am tapping in the world when I acknowledge what they mean to me in my walk on earth. I am also tapping God's heart and acknowledging to him that I am thankful for all He has given me. 

Today, make it a point to tap the heart of someone who gives you so much that you often times fail to realize it has been given to you. Show someone today that you understand the positive difference they make in your life when it comes to the things you want. Give back to those that give and expect nothing in return. Perform an unexpected act of kindness today and perhaps you will prevent one door from being closed so someone else can hide their tears because their heart feels unloved. 

Today it is not about you, it is about those that make you who you are. It is not about what you need, those things are already provided. It is not about what you want, because there is that one person in your life that makes sure you have them. Today is about the person that gives and gets nothing in return. Today is about tapping that heart and making it skip a beat because you gave in return.

THE CLIMB

My brother Jordy and I both have the gift and talent of being able to play several instruments with no formal training.  It is a hobby for both of us and we both use it more as a stress release than anything else.  We are by no means artists in the musical field and neither one of us would ever hammer out a living by playing or singing, even if we had the desire to do so.  Playing our guitars out on either my deck or his is how we bond.  We are as different as night and day but our musical side helps us bond as brothers and as friends.  Jordy and his wife Brooke and their little girls Olivia and Jaci live next door to the Misfit house.  The only disadvantage to this set-up is we are a houseful of guys and him living with three divas often forces him to flee them and come over to our safe haven.  That is not the disadvantage, that comes when the little divas are upset with daddy and come running over to tell Papa their daddy is being a diva. 

The biggest advantage for me to having my brother live next door is the bonding that takes place without us even realizing that is what is happening.  Almost every night that is void of rain we sit together and strum our guitars and sing.  Some nights there is very little talking and others we sit back in the lounge chairs and just talk about our lives.  How far we both have come since we left the Bushnell house in Sioux City that raised both of us until the age of fourteen. 

As different as Jordy and I are there are a lot of things about us that are similar.  For instance, neither one of us requires much sleep at all, which allows us to spend time together at night, our on the deck, strumming our guitars.  While I have become literally an open book about my past and the physical, mental, and sexual abuse inflicted upon me by our 'dad', Jordy has been tight lipped about that very same past he endured.  We both experienced the same abuse in that house, we just choose different avenues to deal with it.  We are both driven by our past to be the best we can be at everything we do.  No subpar effort on either of our parts.  It's never good enough, which drives us to be more successful in the things we choose to do in life.  We both love big, me wearing my heart on my sleeve and Jordy keeping his buried deep in his heart.  Avoiding life is not an option and living it to our fullest potential is the only option. 

We have fun sitting out on the decks and playing music.  One of us always has something new we heard we want to play.  He finds something, he plays it, I pick it up by ear and we work on harmonizing the song together.  Outside of the deck Jordy doesn't really 'jam' with anyone else or on his own.  He spends time teaching Olivia, his three year old, the piano.  I have no problem jamming on the deck by myself or playing for the Misfits who get creative with the lyrics to popular songs.  I often take my guitar with me when I visit Gracie, Connor, Ce'dric and Alana, to play Christian music and find peace in my heart for the souls that left my life.  I also sing in dive bars who let me sing for free, karaoke when out with friends, and yes, I sing in the shower.

Last night I sat on the deck after my hockey game to jam a bit and relax.  I wasn't out there for more then ten minutes when my brother came over with his guitar.  "I have a song I like the lyrics to bro, listen to the words", he said as he began to play.  It was an old song and I'd heard it many time before.  A couple nights ago when Jordy and I were on his deck laying back in the lounge chairs talking he brought up the struggle we had growing up.  We talked about the current struggles we face in our lives.  We both wondered if those will ever go away.  Not the new struggles that we all face in our journeys, but the dark pasts that live deep inside of us.  We both find that we are fortunate in our lives even when we feel things lagging a bit.  We always pick ourselves up and carry on.  We always find a way over, under, through or around what stands in our way.  We are driven to succeed and not leave any life behind us once our last breath beyond a breath of life is taken.  We both agree, it is the one gift our 'dad' gave us in our lives.  Through all the abuse, all the pain, all the tears, we are fighters because of him.  We will not let his words bring us down, his actions halt our growth.  We will live life as it is intended to be lived, no regrets. 

This is the one and only time I will ask you, my readers, to listen to a Miley Cyrus song.  This is the song my brother wanted so desperately to 'teach' me.  This song touches Jordy's heart in big ways, so big he wanted to share it with me.  It was the first time since I was fourteen, over seven years later, that I have had my brother open up to me about our past, about our future, about our CLIMB.  We shared tears last night, not over what each of us has been through, but about the climb we have taken to get to where we are.  For the first time ever my brother told me he was sorry.  Sorry he left me behind in the Bushnell house just so he could escape the same abuse he knew I was getting.  Sorry he wasn't the brother to me he should have been.  Sorry for deserting me and mom. 

I was able to tell Jordy, for the first time, that I didn't blame him.  It was not him who tried to mentally destroy my spirit. It was not him who beat me with the promise he would kill me.  It was not him who sexually abused me.  I also got to thank him for all I have that is good in life.  It was him who saved me from death.  It was him who altered his life to raise his little brother.  It was him who gave me back the brother I felt I never knew. 

Jordy said it best when he said "This song is the life you and I live on a path in our journey's that will have us walking side by side, pushing every mountain and climbing to the top of the next one.  And when we get to the top of that mountain we will be with our family again, and this time, I will never leave you behind."

THE CLIMB

 Click to hear THE CLIMB

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

Chorus:

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

Chorus:

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Chorus:

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa