Suicide: It's Not About Me

When my friend Connor died of a drug overdose I accused him of suicide. (Connor's End)  I felt that he knew where his life style was taking him.  I never understood what it was about life that Connor felt the need to mask it with alcohol and drugs.  We had that discussion many times and he always came back at me with how abnormal it was for a guy my age to not care to drink alcohol when I was out with my friends that did.  Me and my buddy's used to roam around looking for bums to give them a meal and direct them to places that could help them.  I told Connor on many occasions that this is where he was going to end up in life if he didn't start appreciating the life he had.  Connor always smiled and said "you'll take care of me, not to worry."

Connor had both his parents, still married to one another, and two sisters, one older then he and one younger.  They were a Christian based family and they prayed together and they played together.  I always admired their family life, how well they loved and supported one another.  I still think about what he was lacking in life that he wanted to party himself into the ground.  I remember receiving the call informing me that Connor was dead.  While it hurt my heart deeply it did not come as a great shock. 

Me and my buddy's all watched helplessly as it happened.  Night and Day were the  nicknames that the other guys gave us, because that's exactly how different we were.  Maybe that is why I loved Connor so much, because he was everything I could never be, and maybe that is why he loved me back, because I was everything he chose not to be.  He was good friend and I still visit his grave almost twice a month.  I still call his mom now and again to let her know I'm thinking of them and on occasion I run into one of his sisters and catch up with life as they know it without the ConMan.

LIVE * LAUGH * LOVE ~ LIVE * LAUGH * LOVE ~ LIVE * LAUGH * LOVE 

When my friend Ce'dric took his own life I was really angry with him.  (Ce'dric's Final Days)  I am still very much angry with him and continue to try to wrap my head around why he would leave behind the life he had as well.  Ce'dric left behind his mom (who has since died) and the dad that adopted him at a young age when his birth dad was killed in an accident.  He also left behind two younger half-brothers, Adrain and Avery.  I know he took his own life because the love of his life, Alana, had taken her own life and he just could not imagine life beyond her.  But he had so much more to live for and so many people who wanted, and needed, him on earth.  So I want to know why?

Like Connor, I skated with Ce'dric and we all hung in that same crowd.  I was with Ce'dric when he first saw Alana and announced that is the girl he was going to marry.  They were together for two years and her death by her own hands was as much of a surprise to him as his was to those that loved him.  Ce'dric, like Connor, had a great family life.  Christians that kept God alive in their daily activities.  Ce'dric used to joke around with me that most of his prayers were that the trouble he found would pass silently as he prayed to God for his help.  Prior to meeting Alana Ce'dric also used to like to tip one back with the boys and like Connor he also never understood why a guy my age had no desire to throw a few back now and then.  That all changed when Alana entered his life.

Ce'dric's suicide defined a new kind of anger inside of me.  One I just really feel will be with me forever.  I loved him, he was a great great friend to me and I took it personal that I had no clue that he was planning on taking his own life.  After Alana died I contacted the suicide hotline to ask what clues you look for in someone who may be suicidal.  I monitored Ce'dric as close as I could and when I felt he was not in a suicidal thought process I let my guard down.  I try to find comfort in knowing he intentionally kept his thoughts from me but I have trouble getting by the lies he told and the things he hid from not just me, but all those who loved him. 

I guess after little Amazing Gracie shared her final months with me I felt everyone should give me that same privilege.  Time for me to prepare for my loved ones moving on to an Eternal Life with God, and advanced notice.  Maybe I was just feeling guilty because I had no idea what was taking place in his heart.  Maybe I was just hurt because I felt we were better friends then he had shown me.  Maybe I was scared because who else is hiding such pain and sadness from me. 

Ce'dric's suicide was not about me.  I have to come to terms with that.  I have to remember that when my day arrives, my reckoning, that just inside those pearly gates he will be standing there waiting for me. Smiling big with a hockey stick in one hand for him and one in the other hand for me and our friendship will continue where it left off. Probably with Connor and his guilty grin right along side him.  He did not do this to hurt me.  He did not do this because I was not a good friend to him.  He did not do this for any other reason then he felt this was his way out of a pain that no one could ever feel, or see, but himself.  I have to respect the decision he made even though I do not like what he did. I cannot keep the fire of anger burning because of how I feel.  I cannot keep trying to reason with the blame I feel for his death, because his suicide, his death, his decision, was not about me. 

What is about me is how I move forward from not just Connor and Ce'dric's deaths but from all the deaths I have experienced with the loved ones in my life.  We all have our own cross to bear in life, in fact we will have to bear many crosses.  We will each have our own struggles in life and we will each have to choose how we deal with them.  We have to take care of us.  We have to figure out our own happiness and not let others lack of it define how we move through our journey on earth.  Not all days will be sunny and breezy but there will be a lot more sunshine in our lives if we let others decisions go.  We need to realize they are living their own life and we are not responsible for the outcome, we can just be there to support them through whatever they are going through. 

It won't be easy and I know there will be days where the anger and pain surface, but I cannot let it hold me back from my dreams and my goals.  It is not fair to myself or to those still with me for me to carry other peoples sadness inside of me.  Individual happiness is not something that anyone can give you.  Individual happiness is something you have to decide you want inside of you.  While someone someday will come a long and make you happier, they will not be able to provide you with the happiness you need for everyday survival.  That happiness can only come from what you make of it.  It's difficult to not worry about what others think of you or how others feel you should live your life.  What you can do, is not let anyone steal a moment of your happiness away from you.

Rest In Peace my family and friends in heaven.  Guide me to brighter days where my walk on earth is free of troubles and pain.  I will see you at the Pearly Gates and we can continue where we left off before your journey in eternity took you to a peaceful slumber.

 

 

 

A Parents Job

"You are defined by your courage and

you are redeemed by your loyalty."

 

 

 

This blog is written with so much anger and sadness towards those children in life that are privileged in their lives but fail to realize what that means.  So many things that we as young adults have today are so materialistic to our wants in life that we often fail to recognize who provides us with our needs.  So I am going to try to lay it out for you in terms you can understand.  I realize the majority of my blog followers are adults and I ask that you please find a why to get this blog in the hands of your children, your grand children (and in Marvin's case your great grand children), and perhaps any young person you know who struggles with wants and needs and who should and who does provide them in their lives.

 

I realize that not all young adults have the guidance a parent commits to provide when they become parents.  I myself got to the age of fourteen in a home with two parents, one abusive and the other not.  My mother provided me shelter and food and home schooling as long as she could before my birth dad decided I should leave.  I wanted nothing more in my first fourteen years then to be loved by my birth dad.  I had everything I needed living in that Bushnell house back in Sioux City IA, void of his love.  The one thing I am thankful for is that I didn't know what I wanted, I just knew I had what I needed.

 

I know of many kids who were raised by someone else other then their birth parents.  A grandparent, An aunt or uncle.  A sibling.  An adoptive family.  In my case I was taken in and raised by my brothers friend Jake who I loving refer to as my dad.  With the help, love and support of several other people in the life I lived from the age of fourteen to twenty-two I never wanted or needed anything more then what they provided.  I think about what I do have and I can list them under the privileges column in my life very easily.

 

Most everything I needed can be recognized as the basics in life.  Shelter, food, clothing, education and LOVE.  I understand very clearly that having a vehicle to drive, a guitar to play, the ability and means to play hockey, a gym membership and cash in my pocket are privileges for me.  Those were things that I wanted and I was willing to go without because there were other things that were needed by others in my household.  My dad works hard to be able to support himself and not just me, but his great nephew as well.  He has never received a penny for taking on my life and providing me with the support he has for the last eight years.  I have also never heard him complain about raising a kid he didn't bring into the world. 

 

I am far from the perfect kid and I can recall the many nights I ran home through back allies to try to make curfew.  On the few occasions I never made it and the doors were locked I would climb through the kitchen window I had left unlocked 'just incase'.  I even broke that window on a couple of occasions.  I was grounded for those times I never quite made it home on time because going out with my friends was a privilege and I abused that privilege.  I remember slamming my bedroom door out of anger and my dad removing that door because having a bedroom with a door on it for privacy was also a privilege and it was disrespectful to slam that door for two reasons (1) it really isn't my door and (2) it was not fair to my dad to be angry at him for grounding me because I broke the rules.  There are many times I had been grounded and a few of those times occurred  when I was 18, 19, 20 years old.  I didn't think that was fair until I was reminded I was still living in someone else's house which is a privilege least I forget that. 

 

There were so many more needs I would need that I never realized were needs.  I had a roof over my head, I had many electronic devices, my guitar, cash in my pocket and all the food I could stuff in myself and a gym membership to burn all the calories right back off.  The things I needed in my life, and still need today, can only come from the love and support of a parent or guardian.  I never realized how much pushing I would need to get me through my high school years.  I never realized all the rules and the punishments I received were also needs I would have to have to build myself into the adult I am today. 

 

A parents responsibility is to get their kids raised right.  To provide them with the tools they need to become good citizens, decent human beings, and appreciative of the fact their needs were taken care of and their wants (privileges) were provided to them at the sacrifice of their parent or guardian.  Most kids have very little to worry about getting to adulthood.  Their meals are cooked for them their laundry is done and their gas tanks are filled, not to mention that strong roof over their heads.  Taking these things for granted is somewhat expected because it has just always been that way.  But at what point in your life do you stop and realize what you have and how you obtained it. 

 

You may not get to attend college, it just might not be in the cards for you one way or another.  You may not get to drive the car you want but you should be thankful you have a car to drive.  There are lots of things you may want in life and you may or may not get them.  Instead of fretting over what you don't have, try to remember what you do have.  Loving parents who care about your future.  A bed to sleep in.  A dinner table to sit at.  Clothes to wear.  Your needs have always been given to you unselfishly, without a thought, you've not ever had to wonder where it would come from.  So next time you don't get what you want, remember what you have.

 

Remember this as well, your parents deserve to be treated with the utmost respect for the life they have provided you.  They are not your friends, at least not until you are raised and making your own decisions.  You owe it to them to be honest, no lies.  Be truthful with them about everything they are involved in, in your lives.  Being a parent is a non paying job as far as a cash payout but the reward comes from the way they raised you.  Treating them with anything but respect, even when you are not in agreement with their decisions on how they get you to adulthood, is not an option.  Don't crush the soul and break the heart of those that love you unconditionally and never ask you for anything in return outside of showing them respect and being thankful for what they provided you. 

 

Take a moment and follow this link and after you wipe away the tears in your eyes, call your mom, your dad, or anyone who has helped get you to where you are today.  The Greatest Job in the World is Priceless

 



An Angels View Of Heaven

I know I've been silent on publishing my blogs for about a month now and I appreciate all the communication from those inquiring if I am alright, if I am still blogging, and even those of you strongly suggesting I post more blogs.  I assure you, I have still been blogging but I am not quite ready to release any of them at this time. 

I have a big boy job now that I committed to recently which eats up about 50 hours of my week.  I also have several Misfit family members that I involve myself with that has been time consuming (I'm not complaining, I love family time).  I am also working on Gracies Story and a few more books I would like to get published detailing the time I spent with Gracie before she flew to eternity with her little angel wings and her great big smile.

Gracie is never far from my mind and is always in my heart.  Last night I sat down and went through pages and pages of notes I had taken from my visits with her.  I also read through the notebooks she was journaling in between my visits with her.  I miss her terribly as I read through her little eight year old thoughts on the life that was dealt to her.  So much strength and courage in her words about leaving the world and all she loved behind her.  So much wisdom flowing out of the heart and soul of the tiny little eight year old who accepted her fate better then the rest of us who knew her story.

I came across a few pages Gracie had written about four weeks after we had first met and discussed me telling her story so the world had an insight on the mind of not just a terminally ill person, but a terminally ill child.  She was firm in her stance on the story of her life.  She wanted to tell others, through me, about the story of her life and I could tell others whatever I wanted after she had died.  The 'story of my death' as she put it. 

This particular day, when she was journaling her story, was around the time Gracie revealed to me that she felt she was ready.  Amazing Grace: An Angels View Of Heaven  It was around the time that Gracie started to prepare everyone for the day she would leave them.  As I read through her eight year old handwritten pages about how she felt she was ready to go to God's House it brought back the memories of that day and the days following.  How each day I would go be with her, never knowing if it was the last.  How I tried so hard to be tough for her and let her rule her final days doing what she wanted.  How I prayed so hard every night with buckets of tears flowing from my heart to my eyes, dropping on the blue comforter on my bed as I knelt down on my knees trying to understand why God would let such a precious little girl leave her life on earth so soon.

Gracie had rules and I dare not break them.  One of those rules was we cannot spend her last days angry and sad.  We needed to laugh and smile and find joy and happiness in our awake hours.  Another rule I broke every night was I was not to ask God to save her, to change the path he put her on, but I was to pray for her daddy and mommy that they are always happy remembering how much she loved them.  Yep, I broke that rule every night from that point on when I asked God to spare her life, because she was too good to die.  Just like when my brother Joey was dying and I asked God to spare his life, because I needed him in mine.

Gracie had written on these next few pages how she wanted to leave little memories all over the house she shared with her parents so that as the days and weeks and months went on they would find little reminders of her love for them.  Gracie had also written several letters to her parents that she would have me deliver to them on different occasions.  In the next few days she would make a short list of chores from her to me that she called "Jett's Honey Do This List".  Reading that memory made me smile and laugh.  It made me miss how bossy she was to me and how easily I let her push me around.  I recalled how she sent me for pink colored mini post it notes and when she opened the bag she sent me right back out for a better color of pink.  When I told her she was wasting my gas and I would have to buy more she said "I will leave you my piggy bank when I die and you can fill your stupid gas container up then."  Again, I smile and laugh because I almost grew to push her buttons just to see what she would come up with next.

Gracie must have written on a thousand post-it notes and had me put them in so many places around her house, in the garage, in both vehicles, and various other locations around their property.  I know both her parents, Bill and Annie, have kept each one they have found in a small box and will sit and read them at times.  I enjoyed the times I received texts from them saying they found another.  With each smile brought to their faces from that little game of hide and seek with post-it notes I imagined Gracie looking down and laughing and smiling with them.  Such a thoughtful thing for her to do, such an unselfish act for her to do, leaving little notes of joy behind for them to hold onto.

Annie already invited me to take those post-it notes someday and publish them in a little book with a few stories of where and how they were found by the parents of the little girl now in heaven.  I think that is a wonderful idea and have jotted down that idea with a few others I have for little books that I can publish in memory of my little Amazing Grace.

Dear Amazing Grace, we thank Our Heavenly Father for blessing us with your sweet, yet brief life.  Know that you have touched our lives forever and we will always love and miss you.  We trust Jesus will keep you safe in His care, and pray that one day, we’ll also be able to hold you for eternity.  Holy Spirit, may You heal our hearts; inspire us to live faithfully in the hope of everlasting peace and joy in Heaven, and may we all be together as a family again.  Amen.