I know I've been silent on publishing my blogs for about a month now and I appreciate all the communication from those inquiring if I am alright, if I am still blogging, and even those of you strongly suggesting I post more blogs. I assure you, I have still been blogging but I am not quite ready to release any of them at this time.
I have a big boy job now that I committed to recently which eats up about 50 hours of my week. I also have several Misfit family members that I involve myself with that has been time consuming (I'm not complaining, I love family time). I am also working on Gracies Story and a few more books I would like to get published detailing the time I spent with Gracie before she flew to eternity with her little angel wings and her great big smile.
Gracie is never far from my mind and is always in my heart. Last night I sat down and went through pages and pages of notes I had taken from my visits with her. I also read through the notebooks she was journaling in between my visits with her. I miss her terribly as I read through her little eight year old thoughts on the life that was dealt to her. So much strength and courage in her words about leaving the world and all she loved behind her. So much wisdom flowing out of the heart and soul of the tiny little eight year old who accepted her fate better then the rest of us who knew her story.
I came across a few pages Gracie had written about four weeks after we had first met and discussed me telling her story so the world had an insight on the mind of not just a terminally ill person, but a terminally ill child. She was firm in her stance on the story of her life. She wanted to tell others, through me, about the story of her life and I could tell others whatever I wanted after she had died. The 'story of my death' as she put it.
This particular day, when she was journaling her story, was around the time Gracie revealed to me that she felt she was ready. Amazing Grace: An Angels View Of Heaven It was around the time that Gracie started to prepare everyone for the day she would leave them. As I read through her eight year old handwritten pages about how she felt she was ready to go to God's House it brought back the memories of that day and the days following. How each day I would go be with her, never knowing if it was the last. How I tried so hard to be tough for her and let her rule her final days doing what she wanted. How I prayed so hard every night with buckets of tears flowing from my heart to my eyes, dropping on the blue comforter on my bed as I knelt down on my knees trying to understand why God would let such a precious little girl leave her life on earth so soon.
Gracie had rules and I dare not break them. One of those rules was we cannot spend her last days angry and sad. We needed to laugh and smile and find joy and happiness in our awake hours. Another rule I broke every night was I was not to ask God to save her, to change the path he put her on, but I was to pray for her daddy and mommy that they are always happy remembering how much she loved them. Yep, I broke that rule every night from that point on when I asked God to spare her life, because she was too good to die. Just like when my brother Joey was dying and I asked God to spare his life, because I needed him in mine.
Gracie had written on these next few pages how she wanted to leave little memories all over the house she shared with her parents so that as the days and weeks and months went on they would find little reminders of her love for them. Gracie had also written several letters to her parents that she would have me deliver to them on different occasions. In the next few days she would make a short list of chores from her to me that she called "Jett's Honey Do This List". Reading that memory made me smile and laugh. It made me miss how bossy she was to me and how easily I let her push me around. I recalled how she sent me for pink colored mini post it notes and when she opened the bag she sent me right back out for a better color of pink. When I told her she was wasting my gas and I would have to buy more she said "I will leave you my piggy bank when I die and you can fill your stupid gas container up then." Again, I smile and laugh because I almost grew to push her buttons just to see what she would come up with next.
Gracie must have written on a thousand post-it notes and had me put them in so many places around her house, in the garage, in both vehicles, and various other locations around their property. I know both her parents, Bill and Annie, have kept each one they have found in a small box and will sit and read them at times. I enjoyed the times I received texts from them saying they found another. With each smile brought to their faces from that little game of hide and seek with post-it notes I imagined Gracie looking down and laughing and smiling with them. Such a thoughtful thing for her to do, such an unselfish act for her to do, leaving little notes of joy behind for them to hold onto.
Annie already invited me to take those post-it notes someday and publish them in a little book with a few stories of where and how they were found by the parents of the little girl now in heaven. I think that is a wonderful idea and have jotted down that idea with a few others I have for little books that I can publish in memory of my little Amazing Grace.
Dear Amazing Grace, we thank Our Heavenly Father for blessing us with your sweet, yet brief life. Know that you have touched our lives forever and we will always love and miss you. We trust Jesus will keep you safe in His care, and pray that one day, we’ll also be able to hold you for eternity. Holy Spirit, may You heal our hearts; inspire us to live faithfully in the hope of everlasting peace and joy in Heaven, and may we all be together as a family again. Amen.
