I cannot stop thinking about the death of Robin Williams. It was so shocking to those of us who never knew him outside of his profession as a comedian and actor. He entertained us, made us laugh, made us cry, stirred up emotions inside of us with the roles he played and the stories he told. Some of his closest friends were in shock over the death of their friend and then to hear that it was a suicide death set them into an even deeper shock. How could they not know?
I think back to my friend Cedric who also took his own life. Cedric, His Final Day's I have often asked myself that same thing. "How could I have not know?" How did I not see past the pain he carried inside of him from the death of his girlfriend, Alana, who was the love of his life? She also took her own life. How did he not know she also felt suicide was the only way out? How did we all miss the signs of despair in the people we loved and knew so well?
I felt I did everything I possibly could, after Alana's death, to tend to Cedric and the pain in his heart. I kept in touch with him daily, texts, phone calls, visits, even attended mass with him. Me and the boys drug him out for boys nights out. He kept promising he would get back on the ice soon, which was his next greatest love in life behind Alana. All the signs of Cedric being OK were before me. Yet I failed my friend. Everyone tells me that I did everything right, everything I could. That Cedric led me to believe he was OK, that he was on the road to recovering his loss. Acknowledging the pain would follow him through life but it was bearable, manageable.
I look at all the pictures in the media of Robin Williams the man. I see all the photographs of the characters he portrayed. I was part of the audience he made laugh, made cry. I was part of everything he did artistically. When I view those pictures, when I watch those movies, I noticed the one thing I failed to notice about Cedric. The eyes. Robin Williams eyes were always shining, always had a sparkle to them. He lived to make others laugh. He developed the art of entertaining others so they could enjoy a bit of pleasure in their lives. He lived for other peoples happiness, even though he could find none of his own.
When you look beyond the surface of his eyes you can see the sadness. Every picture is the same. The deep sadness inside of him can be detected by taking the time to look into them. Past the gleam, past the joy he got out of other people's happiness, deep deep down in the soul so sad he was certain to run out of strength in dealing with his internal pain. Hidden from his fans, his friends, even his family. The one thing Robin Williams did better then entertain the world was hide his sadness. When life became to painful to live, when that final straw broke the camels back, he took the most painful trip in his life, to end his life.
Just as Cedric had done. I cringe when I think of the two brothers he left behind. I cringe when I call his step-dad and hear the pain in his voice as he reaches for reason to find comfort in the lives left behind. I cringe when I think about Cedric's mom who herself felt a pain so deep from the loss of her first born son she too decided to take that final painful trip beyond a breath of life. I still get angry with Cedric for leaving us all behind to deal with the thoughts of how we could have saved him, how we should have known.
Why didn't I see it in his eyes. Gracie and I spent hours communicating through our eyes, reading each others thoughts of happiness, fear, pain, and all the other emotions we journeyed through together. Why did I not see it? Why did I allow him to trick me into believing he was doing OK. That he was going to be alright? What could I have done differently? How will I handle the next tragedy in one of my friends or families life so I don't miss any signs?
People will tell the story they want you to believe. People will lead you to believe that their happiness runs deep. When they are determined to end their pain by their own hands, they will not ask you for help. You can reach out to them, help them understand you are their for them. You can ask all the right questions, do all the right things, look for all the signs you should, but at some point it becomes their decision, their responsibility, for how they deal with the pain so deep the only way out to them is to leave.
Suicide is not a cry for help. It is not a selfish act. It is not meant to cause pain to others. It is not an act of desperation. It is the end to an illness that has no end to it while breaths are being taken. It is the end of despair. It is an end to a sad soul. Just because we cannot see the illness, does not mean it is not there. Depression, while it can be medicated, cannot be cured. When you feel you have taken every other means to handle your depression, the cure you reach for is death.
The threat of suicide is a cry for help. The threat of suicide is when you reach out to be saved. When you have suicidal thoughts and you fear death and you reach out for help. The threat of suicide is real and should always be taken as a sign that someone is reaching out. Looking for help to get out of a place so dark they fear they cannot come out of it alone. When someone shows signs of the threat of suicide it shows they still believe there is hope. They still believe the pain will subside, get better, be manageable. These people want to live, these people are still able to fight through their depression, fight for a better life, a better outcome to what they are feeling inside.
Yes, I believe there is a difference between Suicide and The Threat of Suicide. Unfortunately Cedric and Robin Williams never showed signs of wanting to be helped. They never threatened suicide to anyone so we could find a way to help them deal with their pain and depression. The wanted to leave it all behind, they lost hope for themselves, they had reached the point of pain where they decided their was no turning back. I don't hate Cedric for leaving, but I do understand the path that takes you to the fork in the road. I would like to say I always choose the road to the right, but who am I to say it is the right road? That is a personal choice. There may be a road to your left and a road to your right, but is there really ever a wrong road? Until you are there, you should not judge.
American Foundation for Suicide
