Sometimes I forget I'm really just a kid, or a young man, and not the adult I would like people to think of me being at the age of twenty-two. I often get told I have an old soul, and to a certain degree I feel that is true. I often feel as if I might have lived before even though my church would like for me to not believe in that concept. When my niece Olivia was born, and watching her in the almost four years she has been on earth with us, I tend to believe a little more that old souls exist and what that means to me is that your soul has lived before in the world. She is very wise beyond her four years of age, and not just in her intellect. She is so compassionate about other peoples feelings, often offering comfort when she really should have no idea that you are sad, or that something is bothering you.
I guess I can see that in myself, especially in my written words. There are time I sit at the keyboard and my fingers begin typing and before I know it I have typed a note, or a blog, or an article that I had no idea existed with-in me. Some of things I can feel, without ever experiencing it first hand, surprise me. Some of the things I can see, the pain seeping out of other people's souls, amaze me. I'm by no means complaining about the thought of an old soul existing inside this young body. It fits with my passion for embracing other peoples sadness and the need to share it with the rest of the world. It does not come without a price, but I am learning to deal with that price as I get older.
Sometimes that price consists of forgetting that my brain is not my soul. That I am in fact just twenty two and I still need to remember to respect others whether I feel I am right in a situation or not. I also tend to forget that my mouth should not be connected to my brain and that there are times when I should shut my mouth and turn off the part of my brain that lets it spout off. I try to use the excuse that I'm just stating the truth, often forgetting that sometimes the truth really doesn't matter. That sometimes what I consider the solid honest truth is just my opinion and other peoples opinion matter too. I try to justify some of the things I say with the fact that I am just protecting someone I love and if that means hurting someone else well so be it. For an over 4.0 student through all my schooling, I can sure miss out on the common sense portion of my brain at times.
I get many compliments from people in my life about how nice I am. Compliments about how well I carry myself in life. How well I have done for myself. How successful I am. How caring and giving I am of myself to others. My normal answer to them is "thank you, I appreciate your kind words but I am a work of God and I am sure he is not yet finished with me." I would like to think I was born with all the fine qualities I am gifted with, or that I was raised by parents who instilled the very best in me. Neither of which is true. The cold hard truth about it is that I have always wanted my family to be proud of me. Most all of my family is gone, albeit for one brother, and it is important for me to stay on the best path I can so one day I can hear each of them tell me "I am so proud of you". It grounds me really that the family members already in Heaven cannot say those words to me face to face. It keeps me on the straight and narrow, never crossing the line.
The line. I never cross that line but I sure do walk it like a tight rope. There is a very special person to me in my life that I teeter with while keeping my toes on the right side of the line. This individual entered my life when I needed her the most, before I even knew that one day I would need her with me on my journey. I have never thought about her never being a part of my Misfit family life. I have never imagined what life without her in it would be like because I have always expected her to stay in it. That is until recently when I actually crossed the line of respecting her for who she is and accepting her for who she isn't.
From the very bottom of my very deep heart I wish my old soul would have stepped all over my brain before it leaked a conversation out of my mouth that I will never be able to take back. I would like to eat my words, which some would say is 'swallowing your pride', to let her know that I was wrong. As right as I tried to convince you I was, I was not. I was as wrong as the day gets long and my apology to you is sincere. It's not an empty apology because my dad told me to 'fix this'. It's not an apology to ask you to not exit out of my life. It is an apology that I owe you, not because either one of us was right, or wrong for that matter. It is an apology because of the lack of respect I displayed to you, not just in our last conversation, but for all the times I failed to realize you would never hurt me. That you have always been there. That you have always forgiven me. That you never found fault with me, never harped on the times I made errors in my judgment. Your support in my life has never swayed, you have always found ways to help me be better, without hurting me in anyway.
I love you so much for what you have brought not just to my life, but to the lives of those I love, both alive and dead. I love you for never leaving me, or us. I love you because you are someone who continues to give second, third and fourth chances. I love you because you accept who I am and who I would like to be, even though you know I am young and foolish. I love you. And when I broke your heart with my cruel words, I broke my heart as well. Thank you for the times you stood back and let me offer you my opinion, even when I never gave you a chance to give me yours.
I don't often feel broken when someone who I love is still on earth with me, but the last 24 hours I have realized when I shattered your heart, I shattered mine. I do not promise you I am done growing, or done making mistakes, but I will promise you this. From now until forever I will remember that my old soul does not give me the right to criticize who anyone else is. You are perfect in my eyes and when I teeter on that line, or cross that line, it is not a test of you staying or leaving my life. It is my issue and I will work on facing that issue so I do not ever put our friendship on this line again. I don't know if you will forgive me for my behavior. I would like you to, but I will not ask you to. I do know that I will have a hard time forgiving myself for approaching you with my brain when all I really needed to do was approach you with my heart.
When I count my blessings in life, you are in them. You have brought so much to my life, new friends, new family, new joys and hope and faith in all things good. The times I feel weak, I know you are part of the strength that helps me get back on track.
God isn't done with me yet, I don't know if He ever will be, but I hope you stick around to see it.
