Seven years ago I stood at the side of the hospital bed of my 24 year old brother Joey. It wasn't his first time in the hospital and it wasn't his first day in the hospital this time around. It would be his last. On this day seven years ago Joey died from complications of lung cancer. We watched him fight this cancer for over a year and the past three months or so we watched him suffer, knowing he would not win this battle. On this day seven years ago Joey would let go of his life on earth, leaving behind his family and many friends. I don't really know if Joey actually had a choice to let go or not, but in the last couple of days of his life I sensed he was making his peace with God.
Joey did not have religion in his life. He never spoke of his beliefs in God or what he thought would happen to him once his time on earth expired. Not with me anyway. He had a friend that would read to him from the bible and talk to him about how God accepts everyone into His Kingdom as long as they were sorry for the sins they committed on earth. Joey never shared those conversations with me and what little I know about the religion he sought I heard from sitting outside his bedroom door in our house on Bushnell when his friend came by (almost daily) to sit with him.
Joey had lots of visitors when he was bed ridden in the Bushnell house but only one who visited often and read to him from the bible. While others were hoping Joey would live and wishing him well and telling him they would be back soon, only one would sit with him and talk about death. What it meant to die, where we go when we die, and whether we were worthy of going to heaven when we did die. Others would tell him he would be okay, he could fight this, he could win. Only one would just listen to Joey talk about death, his death, and help him prepare for what comes after life, and help him find peace with God, peace with himself. Whether she believed he would live or die, whether she thought he would go to heaven or hell, whether she believed what they read in the bible, she never revealed. She always just listened to Joey's concerns about the afterlife and let him believe what he wanted, and let him find his way to peace in his mind, his heart and his soul.
Joey was no saint in life and I remember him as being fearless and careless in his daily grind. I listened to them talk without them knowing I was there. I heard the stories they shared about his past and the things he did and the things he was sorry for, and also the things he was not sorry for. I remember clearly how Joey would tell a story about something he did that was wrong, he knew it was wrong, and if it was something that broke anyone of the TEN COMMANDMENTS. I remember them laughing as they thumbed through the bible to find an example of whatever it was he had done and how God would forgive someone in the bible for the very same thing.
It was perhaps those days that brought me closer to the desire I held to find out more about God, His Church, His teachings and His promise of eternal life. It was perhaps what put the fear of God inside of me to stay on the beaten path least I fall and tumble into the turmoil of whether I would be forgiven for turning my back on the path to eternal life. Those unnoticed moments of eavesdropping on my brother and his friend may very well have been what sparked my interest in finding a church family and committing my soul to God and His promise of a future in heaven with Him and those I love and miss dearly that have gone before me.
My love for my brother has done nothing but grow stronger in the seven years he has been gone from my life, beyond a breath of life. My love for God has done nothing but grow stronger as well in the last seven years, even though I know in faith I have much more work to do in preparing myself for my journey beyond a breath of life. I often wonder had Joey not died, if Joey and his friend had not spent hours pondering the question "what is life after death" going to be like, would I be as focused in my religious life as I am now? Is that the answer to my question on why Joey had to die? Did Joey have to die so I could find God and invite him into my heart so one day I will enjoy an eternal life with Him? If Joey had not died would I have ever found faith?
Seven years ago today and I still question the reason Joey had to leave me. I am still trying to find answers that I know cannot satisfy the questions I have. Like the pain of losing Joey that will never go away, the questions on why he had to go away will also never leave my heart. While I understand the Circle of Life and I understand we are born to die, I don't understand why the one person in my life that I needed and trusted had to leave me. Were there not others who could have gone before Joey? Were there others who needed to be with God more? Was there not anyone else who could have gone before Joey so he could be there when I fail? when I succeed? when I hurt? when I laughed?
I used to ask God to send Joey back. I used to pray to God to take me too. I just wanted to be with my brother, my friend, my safety net, my hero. Knowing Joey could never come back and knowing I could always go to him was the next burden I carried in my heart. Yes, you can love someone so much you feel you cannot live without them. It was not just the love for Joey that had me begging God to take me too, it was the fear of life as well. Joey knew all my secrets and gave me hope of getting out of a bad situation. Joey protected me very well before he got sick. Joey knew, he know, and he was going to help me. How could You, GOD, take away my savior?
I reflect today on those thoughts seven years ago that invaded me after Joey died. I also reflect today on how far I have come and how by Joey dying I actually was able to get away from a bad situation. By Joey dying I found God. By Joey dying I can help others. Joey's death has allowed me to live free of the abuse he promised to get me away from. Just like he promised me he would do. Today I reflect on the Circle of Life and how God places us exactly where He wants us in life, exactly where we need to be. Whether we understand our purpose in God's plan, whether we question where we are in life verses where we feel we should be, there is one thing we should try to remember. We are where we are needed so that God's plan for eternity and His promise that we will all one day, reunite in a world of beauty, peace in love.
Joey, brother, not a day goes by that you are not floating around inside my heart. The memories I have of you have never faded and its as if I can feel you in the beat of my heart and with each breath I breathe. Inside my heart it's like you never died and I can still close my eyes and see you standing next to me. I can feel you with me and with each gust of wind I can feel you near me. I love you Joey, and I miss you deeply. R.I.P. ~ Jett
