Life Is Not Easy, But God Is Good

 

When tragedy strikes you will find out what God means to you.  A recent surprising and shocking health diagnosis landed two of my friends on either side of their religious views.  Both of these friends believe in God without question.  Both of these friends pray often and for all the right reasons.  It matters not which one has the medical issue and which one is the friend left out in the balance of the unknown.  One has embraced her spiritual side with new hope and new life and new light in her connection with God and everything positive.  The other is slowly letting go of her hope and her faith and her trust in her connection with God and her positive attitude about life is fading away.

I think in life we all will face that challenge at one time or another.  When the unbearable happens will we remain the same in our spiritual life ?  Will we suddenly turn to God? Will we slowly turn away from Him?  Some will actually get stronger, become more involved with His teachings and get closer to Him one on one.  Some will start to shun Him, feeling weak and that He has let them down.  Is a sudden interest in God when you are faced with a life altering illness any more or less wrong than if you turn away from Him when the struggle is too big?

I don't feel its ever a good idea to turn away from God for any reason.  I would be lying to you if I told you I did not at times feel that way.  There are many times I become overwhelmed with life issues and sometimes I go sit in church for hours and ask God for help and other times I refuse to even speak to God because I feel He has let me down.  I never know when I will connect with him or when I will disconnect with him over any given situation.  One thing for sure is I always go back to Him and continue to build on my relationship with him.

It's just very difficult when you feel your are doing all the right things and being the kind of Christian God wants you to be and bad things happen.  You can feel defeated very quickly.  You start to ask yourself what more can I do?  How much more can I give?  Where is my reward?  It's very easy to start shutting everything you enjoy out of your life.  It's almost an unconscious move really, you just start eliminating all things good from your life hoping that with each elimination things will get better.  That you will find that one thing that must of irked God off to send misfortune your way.

That is human nature, as is embracing God, holding on to His beliefs stronger, gripping on to his teaching as if your life depended on it.  Telling yourself I must not be praying enough, I must not be reaching out to others enough.  God threw this at me to wake me up and help me realize I need to live a better Christian life.  I need to be a better person.  I need to prove to God that I believe in Him and I will live as He wishes us all to live.

There is no shame in finding your strength to carry on in times of troubles.  There is no shame in stepping back from your spiritual side until you regain control of your faith.  When I think about my two friends and the struggles they are facing, away from each other as well as with each other, my heart aches for their friendship.  Even the best of friends will question if they are being as true to the friendship as the other.  Again, human nature makes us that way.

Both will find their way with God, of that I am positive.  Both will have a better relationship with God and each other when they get through their struggles.  There faith will be stronger, their trust in God and each other will be enriched. their hope will one again be full-filled.  They will be spiritually stronger than before but not as strong as after the next struggle is over.

We are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world.  There is not one of us any better than the other. Our relationship with God is a one on one romance and their will be ups, and there will be downs.  God never leaves us, when we lean on Him, He is strong enough to hold our weight and when we lean away from Him, He is strong enough to pull us back.  When you need to strengthen your faith for whatever reason, God will accept whatever you give him and when you need to back up and take a breather from God He will keep a loving hand on you to guide you back to Him when you are ready again.

 

I Know How You Feel

I can tell you exactly how you feel.  You feel stuck in life, you cannot go back in time and you cannot advance forward.  Everything you knew changed the moment you got the news.  You looked back in your past and think about all the decisions you have made in your life that lead up to the point you found out.  You analyze every choice you made and try to think about how things would be different had you made a different choice.  You question every good thing that has happened to you in the past and try to wish it away if only things right now were different.

You question your role in their lives, did you contribute to this? Did you not live up to God's expectations as a friend, a daughter, a sister, a Christian?  You question God and why he is bringing this to you.  Did you not honor Him properly?  Did you not pray enough? Did you not pray for the right things?  Were you selfish in your religion, using God when you needed Him and when things were going well forget Him until the next time you needed Him?  Should you have attended Mass more? Should you have been more involved with your religious community?

Are you not a good citizen? A good community representative?  A good friend?  Were you there when you were needed before this happened?  Should you have noticed sooner what you feel you now missed.  Could you have done something sooner had you reacted to your gut instinct that something was not right?  Would you have been able to prevent this tragic moment if you paid better attention?  Do you deserve to be loved the way you are loved because you think you should of been able to do more?  Are you deserving of having the friendship you have, was it a lopsided friendship where she gave more to you then you did to her?

You feel left out and lonely often getting anxious because you have a void you cannot feel and you do not know how to make it go away?  You feel sheltered from the news, good and bad, because others are making judgments and statements that you have yet to hear.  You feel you are not being of any use or support and others have stepped up in your place because you are needed elsewhere.  You want to be two places at once so you feel unsettled, wondering if you are where you need to be. 

If you go to be there you feel you should be here.  If you stay here, you feel there is where you should be.  There is not winning, no flip of the coin can decide this for you.  You get angry because you are stuck, you cannot move on. Angry at God because he has one holding on and angry at God because the other cannot be there for you in your time of need.  This is not what you expected at the end of a life, to be without your friends support and not being able to support that friend.

Do you continue to pray? To trust in God?  Do you keep the faith and trust in the Lord?  How much damage are you doing to your spiritual side by being angry and confused and untrusting at this time?  You feel incredibly lonely and out of touch with God, taking it personal that you are stuck between a dying mother and a friend who needs you.  You feel this is being done TO YOU, that it is your fault, somehow, that two people you love with your whole heart are suffering at the same time.  You struggle inside not knowing what to do or where to be.  You find yourself wishing for things you know you do not want, one way or another, so you can move on because there is no turning back.

You try to remember all the good times in the past, the memories that carry you through, to avoid thinking about the future.  You refuse to live in the moment even though that is where you are stuck, You cannot help thinking about tomorrow and what that day will bring.  Will your struggle be solved? Will you get the call, and from whom will it come.  You think the worse possible scenario as you pray for the best possible news.

You want to put this in God's hands but you feel He has already let you down.  You struggle with what to hope for, what to wish for, because you have lost faith in it ever turning out to be what you desire to see as the outcome.  You struggle alone because you feel that you would let down even more people if they knew how you felt, if they knew what you were thinking.  You walk as if you have all the power and you hope that no one realizes you have none.  You beat yourself up all day long because you know you are as helpless as you are stuck in time.

I know this, because I have often been there.  The details are different but the situation is the same.  We all have that demon that lurks near us when our guard is down, when our faith is failing us.  We all face these questions in our lives at one time or another.  We want someone to blame and when we cannot find someone to blame we blame ourselves and include God in our demise.  It doesn't make us feel any better and it doesn't change our situation but we find comfort in the blame because it gives us hope.  Hope for an explanation on why this is happening.  Yes, it is something we are lacking in our lives that has brought this struggle to us.

We lack faith.  Faith in God, trust in God, hope in God and his plan.  This is the time in our lives that we should remember what God has given us and where God will take us when all is said and done.  As much as we want to change the course, change the direction in which life has taken us, that is not our choice.  Our choice is how we accept it and how we use it to reconnect with God and try and understand it is less about us and more about Him.

God brings us to Him through the struggles we face.  We build our faith as we work through times of tragedy.  We build our trust in His plan when we let go of the past, live for today, and have hope for a better tomorrow.  Love you Jewels, my friend, #WeAreNotQuitters

 

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:

Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.

Let not your heart be troubled,

neither let it be afraid.

- John 14:27

 

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I was thinking about Amazing Gracie today and how in the few short months I got to spend with her we became really close.  I was always very thankful that her parents, Bill and Annie, allowed me to spend all that time with her.  First at the hospital while she was preparing and receiving and recovering from her treatments then in their home where I would sit and visit with her almost daily.  Gracie as you know was very ill and between the surgeries and treatments and medicines she always seemed so tired.  I would sit next to her for hours as she slept just to get a some good moments with her.

Don't take me wrong, she was lively and awake often, mostly between treatments, and she was a little ball of fire.  Even when she was as tired as she was she would fight sleep as long as she could so we could work more on the book we were writing, her about her life and me about her death.   A lot of the time while I was sitting next to her waiting for her to wake up I would sift through the notes we made and put them in order on how I could envision them in the book that someday I will publish, keeping the pinky promise Gracie and I made together.

I remember each time I set off to visit her, whether at the hospital or in her home, I was always hopeful that she would be awake and we could have a nice long visit.  I was often disappointed but I grew to love the time I was with her that she was sleeping or resting.  It was awesome prayer time and I could reflect on the passages in the Bible that I was reading.  I would decipher it to fit into mine and Gracie's world.  First thing when she would wake up I would tell her what I had read and the lesson I received from that reading.  And Gracie being Gracie would let me know if she thought I was right on in my thinking or whether she thought I was just plain silly for coming to that conclusion.

It is very difficult to remember that an extremely ill person has very little control over their schedule.  They can become exhausted with the regimen of appointments and treatments and traveling they are expected to do.  It is hard not to be selfish about wanting them time.  It is hard to not want them to be there when you need them.  It's frustrating really, when your schedule is being adjusted to meet their needs because their schedule has become cumbersome.

I was, without hesitation, at Gracie's beck and call.  She used to take her mom's cell phone and call or text me to summon me when she was ready to visit.  I would drop everything to go to Gracie and be with her.  She would text me she was thirsty for a DQ malt, or could I come and make her one of my delicious peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwiches?  I remember one phone call from her when I was in the middle of a college lecture hall where she was frantic because she could not find the movie "Footloose" that I bought her and watched with her a gazillion times.  I texted her back "look in your DVD player".  Here came a text back from her "Oh Good, it was in there".  There were many calls and texts I received in those final three months.  Sometimes now when her mom texts me to check in I look at my phone with a text message waiting from "Amazing Gracie" as the contact.  I never have changed that back.  I don't suppose I ever will.

I always tried to be respectful of her schedule and she got to the point that she wanted me to stay and be with her until she woke up.  She was comfortable with me sitting next to her when she received her treatments and after her surgeries or just being there while she slept so when she woke up I was there.  I was more then happy to hang around waiting for her to have time for me.  I never really got used to that wait, but I got used to there being a wait and I found productive things to do until she was finally available for me.

Once my now wife then girlfriend Katie came into my life on a regular basis I used to tease her about how long it took her to get ready to go anywhere.  I even downloaded Brad Paisleys Waiting On A Woman and would play it for her while I was waiting for her to get ready.  I can almost hear Gracie laugh at me when I do that, because I used to do those things to her as well. 

But I am learning in life that people are worth the wait.  No matter what their reason I am doing my best to realize that even though waiting is the hardest part, it is not as hard as what other people are going through.  If I have to adjust my schedule or miss time with someone I love, I need to find productive ways to fill that void.  Prayer is always a great time filler and praying for that special person you seem to always be waiting on to have time for you is a great way to be with them, even when you cannot be with them.

So the next time you become anxious or sad or annoyed because someone is not there to meet your needs, try to remember its not about you.  It's about them and what they are going through.  When you start to feel like you no longer matter to someone like you used to, just remember its not personal and that person is relying on you for strength and understanding.

Yes, Waiting On A Woman is the hardest part, but its better than not having ta woman in your life to wait on at all.  Slow down, don't rush, don't be in such a hurry.  Embrace the moments you share and relive the moments you had while you continue to wait for them to be able to give you the time they had to give you before their life became appointments, treatments and traveling.

I love you Pooh! #WeAreNotQuitters

 

Other's Mother's

Trust in the LORD

 with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

While I have always loved my mom I have to say that I really never missed her until after she left this world and went to heaven, Beyond A Breath Of Life.  I never imagined life without her until she was gone.  I never really thought about it, maybe because I was only nineteen when she died.  Not until the day my brother and I had to make the decision to take her off life support and find out whether she had any fight left in her or if she would choose to let go did I start thinking about never having her in my world again. 

I thought about how she would never meet my wife when I married, my kids when I had them.  She would never see me graduate from college or land the job that would make me a successful business man.  No more birthday cakes from her, no more Christmas cards, no more smiles when I surprised her with a visit.  It took my mom dying for me to think about what she meant to me in my life.  It took my mom dying for me to think about what I would do if she was no longer in my life on a daily basis.  It took my mom dying for me to realize that the memories I had with her when she died would stop there and never again would her and I share moments in life that would become memories for me to keep. 

I have always, ALWAYS, been jealous on the inside of my friends who still have their mothers and the times they shared with me about how they went to lunch with their moms, went shopping with their mothers, spent the day with them just hanging out.  I wanted that with my mom again and knowing that would never happen just hurt my heart over and over again each time I witnessed anyone, even strangers, who were out and about spending time with their mothers.

I have always lectured my friends who I felt were not treating their mothers right, or complained about how much their moms nagged at them just trying to make them better people.   Even when I felt one of my friends mothers were not treating them very well I would tell them how you only have one mom and you should cherish the time you get with her.  Appreciate all she has given you and done for you by stepping up and being that son or daughter that she wanted you to be.  Respect what she has given you and done for you and learn from that by giving back to her.

Just in the past couple of months I have friends whose mom's are struggling with health issues.  My friends in Sioux City IA, the Sturges's mom has been given a limited time, in fact, they are now in bonus time with their mom who was day to day just two weeks ago but now is week by week and any day could be the last day they have her on earth.  There are seven children who are all in their 40's or older who wonder each day when will be the last day they will have their mom with them. They are incredible examples of appreciating everything their mom has done for them by staying by her side through these final days, knowing she will soon by the mom of memories to them. 

There is my Kingsley IA sista, Alex, whose mom is battling brain cancer.  Her mom is my bestest buddy in the world and has been with me through everything for the last eight years of my life, including losing my own mom.  My little sista Alex is just nineteen and in her first year of college.  I feel her pain and her fear about her mom's struggle and I know how hard it is to watch that process as it unfolds.  The hope, the faith, the trust, the love and the prayers you say through-out the day, asking God to please let this struggle be put behind us so you have your mom for way longer then the nineteen years you already have had with her.

Mrs F,who is the mother of my ex-girlfriend, her brother who is a co-work of mine and her other brother how works with my dad is battling breast cancer.  I am still friends with this family and they are all in their 20's and I see in their eyes the fear of losing her if she does not win this battle.  I understand their fear as they watch her face all the medical appointments, all the surgeries, all the treatments, hoping that God also blesses them with a win against the cancer that has effected their lives.

Three families that I love with all my heart.  Three families that no doubt in my mind are feeling how I felt that day I had to let my mother go.  Three families that no doubt in my mind are now imagining living the rest of their lives with their mothers in heaven, out of their physical world.  Three families that are now testing their faith, their strength in God's plan, putting their trust in God's plan, praying like they have never prayed before. 

My heart aches for them in their times of struggles as much as it aches for how much I miss my mom every day.  I hurt for their hearts because I know the loss of a loved one is something you truly only understand when you go through this.  I ask God to please help them remain hopeful and faithful and trust him as they walk through these struggles with their mothers.  That they walk with their mothers and remember what they mean to them.  Enjoy the breakthrough moments of smiles and laughs and continue to make memories.  Be there for your mom's like they have always been there for you.  Let her know that no matter what tomorrow brings you appreciate being brought into this world an raised with all kinds of love that has helped mold you into who you are today.

Jar Of Buttons

Who would think two jars full of odds and ends buttons would provide hours of fun and joy?  Not only does Katie have a fine collection of stones, she also came with a collection of buttons.  It puzzled me why someone who is not into sewing or creating clothing would collect buttons.  It is something I have teased her about endlessly ... until this weekend.

My brothers wife broke her arm and Katie and I have been helping out by watching their two daughters, Olivia (4) and Jaci (2).  They have been staying with us in our home and because we are childless all we have as far as kid entertainment is a few board games and card games.  They brought a couple of their favorite toys with them but as time wore on they became bored with what we had on hand for them to play with.   Even the movie's became boring for them and we read the same books over and over until the girls could read them back from memorizing the story.

We were sitting in the living area and the girls were getting restless.  Katie went to her junk closet and pulled out her two jars of buttons.  She laid down a rug and invited the girls to sit on the rug with her so they could sort out the buttons.  I was skeptical at first, thinking this will last ten minutes but I left them alone and continued to work on my laptop.   I listened as the girls sorted the buttons by color then lined them up making a rainbow out of the color buttons.  When they were done with that they used the buttons to make a circle and create funny faces inside the circle.  They created a heart out of buttons and even but "Jett loves Katie" inside the heart, all in buttons. 

A little over an hour had passed and the girls were still sitting on the rug with their Aunt Katie, playing with two jars full of buttons.  Another half of an hour later they were done.  Or at least I thought they were done.  They were starting to put the buttons back into the jars, one button at a time.  I could hear the clink of the buttons as they dropped in the jar.

"Aunt Katie, where did you get all these buttons?", Olivia asked.
"I got them from everywhere I guess", as she picked up a heart button, "this one came from a sweater Poppy gave me when I was probably about you age", she said.
"Why did you keep it?", Olivia said.
"Oh I don't know really, I supposed I liked it enough to keep it when it fell off my sweater.  I like having it though, it reminds me of when Poppy was alive."

Button after button, before it was dropped into the jar, Olivia wanted to know where it came from.  Katie did not have an answer for all of the buttons, but for many she did.  Katie had memories in those buttons that she may not have ever visited had she not had those two jars of buttons.  Like my box of hockey pucks, thrown into the box for one reason or another and not really thought of until I pull it out to add another, or take one out.  My first goal on this team or that team, the puck from the game where my goal won the game for my team.  The puck from the game where my jersey auctioned off for the most money.  Puck after puck revealed to me a memory of something I felt was special at the time. 

I suspect Olivia will want to start her own button collection.  She asked Aunt Katie if she could have one of her buttons so she could have a good memory of the day they sat and played with all those buttons.  Earlier today she asked me if I had a shirt with a loose button on it and if it falls off can she have it?  "The shirt I asked?"  She rolled her eyes at me as she said "NO, THE BUTTON, why do you have to be that way?"  She wanted the button because it was something from me. 

I was really happy that Katie had those two jars full of buttons and even happier that I knew now that those jars full of buttons were memories of her past that she has carried with her through her life.  I hope I get to witness her fill another jar of buttons as we continue our life as a couple.  I hope to help make great memories with her that wants her to collect buttons along the way so she doesn't forget any of the moments we share together. 

"Why Do You Need All These Rocks?"

Me:  "Why do you need all these rocks laying all over the place?"
Katie: "They are not rocks, they are stones."
Me:  "Same thing is it not?"
Katie:  "No, it is not the same thing."
Me:  "Ooooookaaayyyy?"

Turns out the difference between a rock and a stone is that a rock is a part of nature, a natural structure from the earth, while a stone is created from a rock and has been polished, trimmed down, smoothed out, "dressed up" of sorts.  Rocks are a gift from God and mother nature, stones are made from those rocks and used for construction purposes. She told me!  Lesson learned.

When my now wife Katie, then girlfriend, first moved in with me we did our best to incorporate both our possessions into one household.  A mix of her things and a mix of my things and to be honest about it, it turned out to be less of a task then I felt it would.  I knew I would have to give up my man cave atmosphere and let her bring a touch of lace and frill to our place.  Little by little she brought over a few personal possessions here and there.  I am sure Katie felt the same way about the little things I held onto as I found myself feeling about some of the things she hung onto.  Thankful neither one of us could be considered hoarders (keepers of all things) and both of us tend to be neat freaks (her more so than me which I find odd).

Katie is a Yogi and practices her yoga positions faithfully.  A big part of Katie's yoga is meditation which includes different forms of relaxation exercises.  One of those methods involve stones, bigger than pebbles but smaller than boulders, that are used for various forms of relations to the yogi's of the meditation world.  I tease her endlessly about the stones she has laying around everywhere but they really are not a bother to me at all.  They contain various words on them and depending on the day, Katie will pick one up and put it in her pocket to help calm her over an issue that may be bothering her.  When her grandfather passed away recently she laid one of  the stones inside his casket for him to take on his next journey beyond his journey on earth.  The stone contained the word "eternity", something her and her grandfather discussed days prior to his passing away.  She found comfort in that action, comfort in selecting that rock as a final gift to her grandfather.

 

 

    Each of us have our own way to handle the stress and difficult times in our lives.  I am reminded of that each day I walk through the rooms of our home and find Katie's stones sitting on a table, a dresser, a nightstand, a bathroom sink, or the kitchen counter.  As much grief as I give her about her stone collection something I never realized until we moved in our place together is that I have often given, and received, stones that contained words of comfort on them.  I carry a few things in my pockets daily that help me get through one more day.  When I feel restless or ill at ease, even when I have no idea what it is about, I reach into my pocket and hold onto my cross, or my pin, or that slightly smaller stone with the word FAITH written on it. 

 

In life we find our own ways to cope and our own ways to relieve stress and the pressures of life we find weighing us down.  Some of go dark and turn to drugs and alcohol, some of carry stones that are symbolic of what our current struggle is.  Some of us turn to God and build on our faith for survival.  Some of us lean on family and friends to help us through it all.  Regardless of how we choose to cope, everyone goes through times in their lives when they need a little extra something to help us through it.  

Katie's stone collection is all about keeping balance in her life.  Just as my writing keeps balance in mine.  My dad Jake, he has boxing.  Misfit Charlie has cooking and baking.  Even my eight year old nephew Jimmy has balance in his life by doing workbook pages every day.  Everyone needs balance and how they find that balance is what they find comfort and joy in outside of their normal existence.  How do you stay balanced?  What do you turn to when you feel unsettled or uneasy?  Hopefully what you turn to is something on the positive side that helps you deal with your struggle rather then avoid it by turning to something unpleasant. 

If you struggle with finding balance in your life, don't forget that God is an option and through prayer you can build your faith and your trust in Him that will help you through anything you face in life that you feel you cannot cope with.  God can direct you to a more balanced life, even if it through collect rocks.  There is a direct link between prayer and meditation ...

 

Cherishing Memories, Good and Bad

Without memories the moments we have shared with our family, friends, and loved ones would not be as satisfying as they are as we carry them with us along our way.  Every moment of life is a memory if we chose for it to be so.  They will not always be great memories that bring us joy and happiness, there will also be many memories of sadness and despair.  Most of us choose to let go of those memories that remind us of our struggles and our hardships and our heartaches.  I am not that person when it comes to letting the dark memories fade from my heart and even if I were, they would settle inside my soul.

Just because I choose to hang on to all of the reminders of my journey on earth does not mean I accept what has happened that made those memories dark.  What I have realized over time is that eliminating those memories from remaining with me on my journey would eliminate some of the happier memories in my life.

 There are signs I see during the course of my days that remind me of things in the past that were some of the best times I spent with people no longer in my life for one reason or another.  Broken friendships, broken relationships, loss of loved ones.  A song, a poster, a clip in a movie, an ad, an article of clothing, even the face of a stranger can spark a memory that reminds me of something in my past.  They are not always great memories, but they are memories none the less of the life I live. 

When I spend time with my niece Olivia I see my little sister Jocelyn who died when she was three.  I see her mannerisms, her characteristics and even her looks.  As Olivia gets older I find myself wondering what my sister would have been like a the age Olivia now is.  I hold every memory of my sister tight as I can fearing that one day they will fade because I was only six when she died and the memories are so few. 

I think that is true of all of us to some extent, that we fear we will forget, or be forgotten as time advances in our lives.  I myself tend not to believe that I make lasting memories for others as they have for me.  I feel as if I cannot do enough for others that make a positive influence on their lives a they have made on mine.  I know that ever since my brother Joey died I fear that he will be forgotten by those that were dear to him.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him and I wonder how many days goes by that others have not thought of him. 

I think about the day that Joey lost his fight and I remember the peace he had made with his journey on earth.  The most important thing to Joey in the final six months of his life was to know that God loved him and that he was assured a spot in heaven.  Our family was religion-less and I only became a fan of God when I was fourteen and landed in East Boston after being physically beaten by my birth dad in Sioux City IA.  I always looked at that bad memory as a blessing in my life and as painful as it is to remember that the last time I saw my birth dad he nearly killed me, had that moment not happened in my life I may not be as spiritual and trusting in God as I am today.

Sitting outside of my brother Joey's room as he laid on his bed dying, listening to our friend Aunt OJ read to him out of the bible and listen to their conversations about how God loves everyone, even those that do not love or believe in Him were memories I left Sioux City with that helped me find God in Boston.  Bad memories that produced many great memories for me.  It is important in life that we make sure we embrace the challenges we face in life simply because they will eventually produce some of the best memories for us that will follow us through our journey on earth and travel with us to our journey in Eternity. 

No one wants to struggle and no one wants to watch their loved ones struggle.  There is no joy in the struggle but I promise you my friends, there is tremendous joy in coming out of the struggle with a renewed faith in yourself and in the Lord.  You will never have the memories of accomplishments in your life without the unexpected tragic moments we all will face.  Think back to the things in your life you are most proud of accomplishing, then think back a bit further and take a look at what got you there. 

I think about all the dark moments in my life and I think about all the happy moments in my life and I understand that one does not come without the price of the other.  I don't thank God for the dark times in my life that gave me the happy times in my life.  I thank God for the Faith He has given me and the Trust He has asked me to give Him and the Love He has shown me that allows me to Believe that I can make it through anything that comes my way in my journey on earth.

“The greatest faith is born in the hour of despair.

When we can see no hope and no way out,

 then faith rises and brings the victory.”

 – Lee Robertson

 

Where Would Your Chapter One Begin?

I know not everyone's passion is to document their journey through life in blogs, articles, journals and books but I am positive everyone has at least at one time or another thought about their journey or at the very least a moment in life that defined how they now carry themselves the rest of the way.  If you had the assignment of writing chapter one of an autobiography of your life, where would you begin?  The most popular start would be at the very beginning, where and when you were born, a glimpse into your childhood, an introduction into your family. 

Where you would begin your autobiography would reveal a lot about your character and your attitude.  What point you start your autobiography would reveal more about you than any first chapter you could ever write.  I know a lot of celebrities and famous people publish their biographies later in their lives and normally they will begin them with their most successful moment in their career.  I have already started writing my biography, but I have yet to write the first chapter.  I felt that once I completed everything else I wanted in a book about me I would have a better idea of what to write in the first chapter that would make the reader to want to keep reading. 

I have drafted several chapter one's just out of curiosity of where I felt I was with that project.  Each draft was completely different from the draft I wrote before it.  The one thing I did noticed was that as I wrote draft after draft I went further back in time of telling the story of my journey on earth.  Had I been six years old when I wrote the first chapter of my life I would of wrote about the day my family traveled from Sioux City IA to Omaha NE for a Forth of July weekend with our dad's brother's family.  It would have included all the fun we had as we traveled what seemed to me to be a million miles to get there.  It would have included how my brothers convinced me to watch the white lines along the interstate and count as high as I could.  While I have no idea how high I counted I do remember how sick it made me and how I repaid my brothers back for that stunt by throwing up on them in the back seat of the station wagon we were traveling in. 

Today if I were to write about that moment in my life it would read very different and it would begin with the tragedy of being in Omaha NE and watching as my little sister lost her life when she was backed over by my uncle's van as she rode her bike on the sidewalk crossing in front of the drive way.  The trip home without her, the sadness of the tragedy, the devastating looks on the face of my brothers who no longer wanted to convince me of anything more then to stop asking questions about where our sister was and why did she not get to come home with us. 

I think if any one of us tried to write our chapter one today, it would be different then an attempt to write our chapter one in two weeks from now.  Life changes and life goes by so quickly that what was important or impossible to us yesterday has changed with a new tomorrow.  We are rarely ready for the things in life that change the dynamics of the path we are on.  While the changes are out of our control, the faith and the strength to deal with them are not.  We are in control of our attitude and we are in control of how we face the things in life we would rather not face.  I learned that lesson from little Amazing Gracie, my eight year old friend who died from her bout of cancer. 

The four months I spent with Gracie taught me a lot about life.  If you think to hard about dying you have already stopped living.  Gracie fought her bout with cancer and when she knew it was terminal and she would be moving her journey from earth to heaven she never stopped fighting, she never gave up.  In Gracie's words "I still have some living I would like to do".  She never once let the fear of what she was facing alter the life she was living.  She adjusted her life as changes in her life took place, accepting her new position in her journey and enjoying everything she could.

Prior to meeting Gracie I felt that every time I got comfortable with a new change, a new set of rules, God pulled it out from under me.  I thought that was cruel and it had me struggling with my faith in God.  Meeting Gracie shed a new light on the Circle Of Life for me.  I am learning to accept the changes being made, making adjustments outside of my comfort zone, and enjoying each moment as it steps in front of me.  There will always be struggles we face in life and as much as we wish for everything to go as planned, it just will not.  Once we accept that life has so much to offer and we start to realize the changes are new opportunities in life, you allow you faith to take over and help you handle what God gives you.  The good, the bad, the expected as well as the unexpected.

Go ahead and write your chapter one, and when tomorrow comes and your chapter one doesn't fit into your plan, change it.   Write a new chapter one.  After all your chapters are written in life, your chapter one will be easier to write. 

WE ARE NOT QUITTERS

 

Happy New Year!  The year 2015 has brought me to a new chapter in my life.  Today I married the girl that God hid in my life for over six years.  HE revealed her to me in 2014 as the person who would not only be a great friend to me, but someone who would enhance my life's journey in the most awesome way.  Katie and I met through mutual friends in my junior year of high school when she was a freshman in college.  We started off as friends by association through another friend and as time ticked by in those almost six years since we met, we grew closer as friends. 

God does indeed work in mysterious ways and if someone would have told me when I first met Katie that we would eventually become partners in our life's journey I would never have believed them.  I have always liked Katie and enjoyed our friendship.  Thinking back through those years I can now see how our friendship progressed and formed a life of its own.   It was last year during one of the darkest times in my journey that Katie stood by my side through some very disturbing moments.  When I needed her in my life the most she stepped up and would not let go no matter how hard I tried to push her away.  She was at her strongest as I was at my weakest and that was a very definite sign to me that she was someone God put in my life.  A gift from HIM that would change the way I felt about my worthiness in life, my purpose in the world, the value of what God instilled in me and my faith in life.

I do not claim to have all the answers to all my questions in life.  I do not claim to be where I feel I need to be at the level I feel I should be.  What I do acknowledge is that Katie and I together will be there for each other in our times of need.  We will enhance the joy in each others lives ten-fold.  I have learned more about myself and the life I have from the past six months that Katie and I have been a couple, exclusive in our relationship with each other.  In such a short time I found answers to questions I asked myself over the past six years.  I have found comfort inside of me that there is someone there who may not always understand me, but will always support me through the inner struggles I face.  I have learned that I can be me, make my own decisions, work on what makes me happen and focus on what I feel I want out of life and stop trying to live up to other peoples expectations of who I should be.

Today I married the girl I feel God created just for me.  The gift to me from God that I will treasure for eternity.  It took a total of ten minutes to be married in a private ceremony perform by Father Tom who has been a spiritual guide to me for the past ten years.  A ceremony that combined our separate lives into one union under God that blesses our commitment to always stand next to one another when we are at our strongest as well as our weakest.  It was that simple.  Perhaps at a later date we will hold a ceremony that our friends and family will attend and help us celebrate that commitment to one another.  For now, this was for us, to share that moment, in private, as we committed to one another "til death do us part".

Today we celebrated the New Year with a New Beginning.  That new beginning does not stop with our newfound relationship status.  Katie and I are also committed to the year of never giving up, never quitting.  We have several people in our lives who ended 2014 with questions that have not yet been answered, with prayers that have not yet stopped being said.  We will dedicate this year to those in our lives that are struggling for survival, facing many hard decisions on how to advance their lives in the right direction.  We know that God is with us in our lives and through Him our prayers will be answered.  The financial struggles, the health issues, the career changes and any other obstacles getting in the way of our friends and family from enjoying life at its grandest is what we will pray for, remain hopeful for, and ask God for the strength to see them through.

WE ARE NOT QUITTERS, and we hope that all of you feel the same way.  I ask that you practice the art of repeating that phrase with each day you can wake up refreshed and go to sleep at night thankful for another blessed day.  WE ARE NOT QUITTERS.  WE ARE NOT QUITTERS.