I have never met cancer face to face. I have had family members and friends who have been diagnosed with, survived it, died from it and are currently going through treatment hoping for a positive outcome. Like I said, I have only watched cancer work from a distance.
I watched my brother Joey die at 24 from lung cancer. I watched brain cancer take the life of my little friend, eight year old Gracie. I have celebrated a bout of lung cancer that my dad, Jake, went through and survived. There are many people who have met cancer head on, but like I said, I have never met cancer face to face.
Then back in December of 2014 someone I have grown very close to was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Her name is Kim and she is in her early 40s, married to Cory, a farmer, and they have Alex, a 19 year old daughter who just finished her first year of college. I fell in love with this family very quickly. Nine years ago I was introduced to Kim and she very quickly became one of my best friends ever. Kim accepted my past, my baggage, and began to be the best life coach I could ask for, had I known that was what I was looking for. Kim was everything to me, putting on the hat of mother, friend, big sister, therapist, nurse and so much more.
Then cancer started to take her away from me. There was something about this cancer, with this person, that I struggle with still today. Kim still has along way to go with her treatments but everything is pointing to a great outcome. Everything that is, except getting back the friendship we once had. It's what Kim's cancer took from me.
I noticed a few months before she was diagnosed that things were not right with Kim. She used to have a great memory ... it was fading away. She used to want to chat for hours online ... now she was quick to go. She used to have great focus ... now she switched topics so quickly we barely had time to finish a thought before she moved onto the next one. I thought she was losing interest in our friendship. I felt I was becoming a bother to her, that my baggage was more than she really wanted to take on. I couldn't put my finger on it but I assume she was walking out on my life, like so many had before.
Kim's cancer effected the part of her brain that controls sleep and focus and short term memory. Once I learned that about her cancer, I felt better about myself, that it really wasn't about me. It was about Kim. However, her cancer was still taking her away from me. I tried everything I could to try to stop that progress. I pushed her, I angered her, I tried to walk away from her friendship. I fought her cancer as hard as she did, or so I thought.
I very much need her in my life and the thought of losing her, not just to death, but also to a lesser level of friendship in life, was frightening to me. It was becoming unbearable, getting so little time with her. Watching cancer take her away from what we had was heartbreaking. Knowing that cancer was altering her life, pulling her in a different direction and there was very little I could do to get her back. It was breaking my heart, and my spirit, and my faith.
I have never experienced a broken faith as I had with this. Nothing in my life had ever got me down before like this declining friendship ride. I was devastated and I blamed God for it. I was angry with God for destroying this little family that I so admired. I would pray from my knees daily, looking for answers on how God chooses who will find tragedy, who will overcome it, who will not. While I still have no answers, I have renewed my faith. I was reminded by Father Tom that God doesn't test us, we test ourselves. That our faith brings us through tragic moments in life and we come out stronger and better able to serve God when we realize that we need to trust and believe in God and His plan for eternal life.
I still miss the friendship I had with Kim before cancer came between us but I am learning to move forward with our friendship and it's new direction. I have told myself that while I miss what we had, I am thankful to still have Kim in my life. I remind myself that even if Kim doesn't know what her cancer has taken from us, she is still a very big part of my life. I said it before and I will say it again, I have grown to love Kim, Cory, and Alex and the friendship they have offered to me. I hope the three of them know its out of love for them and the thought of losing them all out of my life, that made me crazy. I wish them nothing but happiness and health as they continue to work through Kim's cancer. Your faith in God during this time has brought me closer to my faith in God and his plan. For that, I thank you.
What her cancer took from me is pale in comparison to what it has given me. Stronger Faith. Higher Hopes. #WeAreNotQuitters #FriendsForever #Pooh&Piglet
