How we became such close friends I will never understand. I loved her for so many reasons, probably the biggest reason was that she accepted me with all my faults. Kim was not afraid to die, but wanted to live. I am afraid to die but do not want to live. I don't think you can get any more opposite than that. Eight plus years we would be the greatest of friends to each other. Eight plus years we would talk about the day one of us would have to survive without the other. We both just thought that would turn out differently then it did. Kim was supposed to live longer than I did. I was supposed to die first.
We both knew that the chances of survival in this world was greater for Kim than it was for me. For as long as we were living friends here on earth to each other, I was diagnosed with depression, with the possibility of being suicidal. Kim was my calm. Kim was my go to person when life got overwhelming and stopped me in my path. Kim was the one who charged me up, renewed my faith, sent me back out on my journey.
Way before Kim got sick and diagnosed with brain cancer, we talked about death. Our fears, our expectations, our friendship. I had experienced a lot of death before I met Kim. A sister and two brothers was the death baggage I brought into our friendship. After our bond was built I lost both parents, two close friends. an uncle, and my little Amazing Grace as well as a couple other people in my life. A few years into our friendship Kim lost a nephew, Matt. After that loss our conversations about death changed in that Kim now understood the pain of death in losing someone so close to you. It was Matt's death that opened Kim up to the thought of suddenly worried about who would be next. Who would she lose next that would leave a hole in her heart that would never be filled again.
It was then that we talked about death as if it was a requirement of our friendship. It bonded us in a whole new way. It was at this point that Kim and I started talking about life on earth without each other. I knew Kim would be ok without me around, but we both knew that without Kim around, I would be back to square one in my depression and suicidal thoughts. We knew we didn't have to worry about this for years, because neither one of us were going anywhere. We would both be around a for a long time before we would face that kind of pain with each other.
And then Kim's husband Cory lost his great friend Davey in an accident that left fear of death and fear of loss on the forefront of Kim's mind. It was at this point in time when Kim started to worry about how each of them, her, her husband Cory, and her daughter Alex, would get along without one of them should something happen to take one of them away. Kim became obsessed with death and the void it would leave. She was determined to get her life in order in hopes that they would all be prepared should that day ever arrive. It was at that time that Kim told me she now understood my consumption of the topic of death. My fears of losing the people I loved the most.
It has been a year now that Kim left this big old world to go to heaven. Like everyone else that has gone before me, it hurts just as much today as it did the day she died. My heart is just as broken this moment as it was the very second she breathed her last breath of life. I am just as scared one year later as I was the moment I realized Kim left me alone in a world I never thought I would have to live without her. It is just as hard today as it was the day my brother Joey died to stay here without all of them.
I made Kim a promise I never thought I would have to fullfill. I promised my Pooh that I would let God decide when my time here on earth is done. That if God carried her home before me, I would keep fighting the demon inside of me that has told me since age fourteen that the happiness I seek is someone beyond my last breath of life.
Everyday is a struggle to stay. Everyday I pray for Kims soul. Everyday I ask her to forgive me for wanting to let go. Everyday I fight the demon of happiness. Everyday I ask God to let today be my day, the day he pulls my name out of the hat for eternal life. Everyday I remember the day I promised Kim that I would stay here until God decided when I would breathe my last breath of life.
"Pooh, I love you so much. I still struggle in my faith trying to understand why you went first. Angry that God gave me you, only to take you away. Broken hearted that once again heaven gained an angel and I lost a friend. That the happiness I found in our friendship was ripped from me once again. One year later I am still waiting to wake up and find you never really left.
Come home Pooh, come back to the happiness I thought I found in our friendship. Come back and save me from myself. Come back and let me go first. Let eternal life be my eternal happiness. Help me ease the pain of life, heal my broken heart, release the demon in my soul. Pooh, I love you so much". ~ Piglet
We both knew that the chances of survival in this world was greater for Kim than it was for me. For as long as we were living friends here on earth to each other, I was diagnosed with depression, with the possibility of being suicidal. Kim was my calm. Kim was my go to person when life got overwhelming and stopped me in my path. Kim was the one who charged me up, renewed my faith, sent me back out on my journey.
Way before Kim got sick and diagnosed with brain cancer, we talked about death. Our fears, our expectations, our friendship. I had experienced a lot of death before I met Kim. A sister and two brothers was the death baggage I brought into our friendship. After our bond was built I lost both parents, two close friends. an uncle, and my little Amazing Grace as well as a couple other people in my life. A few years into our friendship Kim lost a nephew, Matt. After that loss our conversations about death changed in that Kim now understood the pain of death in losing someone so close to you. It was Matt's death that opened Kim up to the thought of suddenly worried about who would be next. Who would she lose next that would leave a hole in her heart that would never be filled again.
It was then that we talked about death as if it was a requirement of our friendship. It bonded us in a whole new way. It was at this point that Kim and I started talking about life on earth without each other. I knew Kim would be ok without me around, but we both knew that without Kim around, I would be back to square one in my depression and suicidal thoughts. We knew we didn't have to worry about this for years, because neither one of us were going anywhere. We would both be around a for a long time before we would face that kind of pain with each other.
And then Kim's husband Cory lost his great friend Davey in an accident that left fear of death and fear of loss on the forefront of Kim's mind. It was at this point in time when Kim started to worry about how each of them, her, her husband Cory, and her daughter Alex, would get along without one of them should something happen to take one of them away. Kim became obsessed with death and the void it would leave. She was determined to get her life in order in hopes that they would all be prepared should that day ever arrive. It was at that time that Kim told me she now understood my consumption of the topic of death. My fears of losing the people I loved the most.
It has been a year now that Kim left this big old world to go to heaven. Like everyone else that has gone before me, it hurts just as much today as it did the day she died. My heart is just as broken this moment as it was the very second she breathed her last breath of life. I am just as scared one year later as I was the moment I realized Kim left me alone in a world I never thought I would have to live without her. It is just as hard today as it was the day my brother Joey died to stay here without all of them.
I made Kim a promise I never thought I would have to fullfill. I promised my Pooh that I would let God decide when my time here on earth is done. That if God carried her home before me, I would keep fighting the demon inside of me that has told me since age fourteen that the happiness I seek is someone beyond my last breath of life.
Everyday is a struggle to stay. Everyday I pray for Kims soul. Everyday I ask her to forgive me for wanting to let go. Everyday I fight the demon of happiness. Everyday I ask God to let today be my day, the day he pulls my name out of the hat for eternal life. Everyday I remember the day I promised Kim that I would stay here until God decided when I would breathe my last breath of life.
"Pooh, I love you so much. I still struggle in my faith trying to understand why you went first. Angry that God gave me you, only to take you away. Broken hearted that once again heaven gained an angel and I lost a friend. That the happiness I found in our friendship was ripped from me once again. One year later I am still waiting to wake up and find you never really left.
Come home Pooh, come back to the happiness I thought I found in our friendship. Come back and save me from myself. Come back and let me go first. Let eternal life be my eternal happiness. Help me ease the pain of life, heal my broken heart, release the demon in my soul. Pooh, I love you so much". ~ Piglet
