Kim's Bubble Was Small ... did you make it?

Every step I take forward in life is a sad reminder of another day without my Pooh.  I had gotten used to taking each step with Kim next to me.  I got to where I was not used to diving into a new adventure without Kim to encourage me, guide me, and make me feel like I was on the right path.  Even after I married Katie, Kim was the one I turned to for approval.


I run a very successful printing company for the owner of the business who during my junior and senior years of college mentored me.  I was a paid intern for him and he eventually brought me up through the ranks to take over the daily operations of his business.  I did not jump in with both feet though, I had to be pushed into excepting the paid internship by Kim.  I didn't think it was an adventure I wanted to take on.  I have a degree in Journalism and Elementary Education and running a printing company was far from what I went to school for.


I wanted to report the news.  The good news.  The positive news.  I wanted to tell peoples stories in print.  I wanted the world to know there was more to the world than evil.  I wanted to find those stories and tell them in the words of the makers of those stories.  Like the Amazing Gracie story I blogged about that told the story of a little girl with a terminal illness who was trying to leave the world a better place.  That was my desire.  Kim would help me realize that a steady income job would eventually help me accomplish the dream my dream of writing.


I have become a successful blogger under two blog accounts, the one here under Beyond A Breath of Life that documents a great deal about my past as well as my friendships and family.  And a second blog spot that I have never revealed to my followers of this blog but rely solely on the dark world to find them on their own.  They are my dark blogs, the blogs that go against my wish to share positive motivating writings.  Someday I will reveal me as the author of that blog spot but for now it remains hidden in the big old world of anonymous bloggers.


Kim had access to that blog spot but rarely visited it. I think she enjoyed the Beyond A Breath Of Life blogs a lot more.  Once again, Kim's advice to accept the internship and eventually run the printing company was spot on.  Even though I learned a great deal about the business from Stan, the owner, I learned even more from Kim.  Especially about how to effectively get your employee's to get the job done.  Kim always said that you are obligated to be firm with your employees so you can be successful in making profits and by rewarding your employees with those profits, earn their loyalty.  Kim also taught me to not take shit off your employee's. 


To this day I think about all the stories Kim told me over the years about the different types of people she worked with.  Remember, Kim's circle was small whether you were in that circle or not, if you were responsible, showed up for work, got your job done, you were her friend and she would give back to you ten fold.  I remember her friend Erica from her job at Sam's Club and how impressed Kim said she was with Erica's work ethic.  Kim said she was younger and although she came in cold to the wholesale business, she was one of the best.  One of the best because she listened carefully to direction, asked a lot of questions, and achieved great results. 


I never met Erica but I felt I had a pretty good handle on how she was as a co-worker.  Kim talked about how she could show her how to accomplish something once and Erica just got it, took it, and ran with it.  There was a handful of people Kim talked about from that job, and the ones she mentioned all had the same qualities when it came to work.  But there was less than a handful that she also talked about so kindly that I knew they were in her friend bubble.  Erica was one of them.  The traits that Kim revealed to me about Erica, and a few others, are traits I look for when I am hiring individuals.  It has helped me gain some very good workers that I was able to promote quickly to help the business become even more successful.


Loyalty.  Commitment.  Directness.  Sensibility.  Ability to accept change.  Ability to get out of the box.  Ability to process direction.  A thinker.  Decision maker.


And if you could make Kim laugh along the way, you were a winner in her world.  I don't know if I have this whole story right, but as I remember it, Erica once called Sam's and asked for Kim, claiming to be with OSHA I believe it was.  Had her read the ingredients from laundry detergent to her. Let her go through a couple of the products before telling her it was Erica.  Now that shit is funny and I remember Kim telling me how funny she thought it was.  And I believe she called Erica a dumbass, which when it comes to Kim was the highest compliment you could get and let you know you were in her bubble. 


I miss Kim so much but there is not a day goes by that I don't think about her and know she is still with me guiding me with each step I take.  At the end of the day I hope I make her proud of who I am and what I am doing.  I know that Kim would be so happy that I am going to be a dad in March.  She prenamed our baby way back when I told her I didn't want to be a dad.  Roo, she said, the kangaroo from Winnie the Pooh.  She laughed and laughed but you know what, Roo may just find its way on baby Paulings birth certificate and if not, well I can't wait to meet my little Roo. 

She Knew, I Knew, Matt Knew



"There's an angel above you, guarding your path to heaven.  He has prepared a path for you to follow.  He has watched years turn to months, months turn to weeks, weeks have become days.  Your hour is near.  Embrace the gentle touch of his wings on your soul.  Fear not, for you were born to reach this moment.  Your eternity on earth will soon be eternal life in Gods Kingdom.  Only then will you truly be alive.  Only then will you know life as God has planned.  Go peacefully and willing with faith and dignity and one day you will return when you wrap your wings around a soul you too have made a path to heaven for". ~ Jett Pauling (August 20, 2016)


Twenty-seven days later I found out my friend and life mentor Kim had died from brain cancer.  On September 16, 2016 a piece of a lot of people who knew and loved Kim died with her.  Our lives would forever be changed, our hearts would skip a beat every so often, a newfound sorrow would forever occupy our minds.


Way before Kim was diagnosed with brain cancer we had many discussions about death and what life on both sides of death must be like.  We both knew that the odds of Kim dying before me were slim.  I was more likely to die before Kim.  To this day I fight the demon of suicidal thoughts.  After I met Kim and we became close those demons passed through me less and less.  That was because Kim knew how to help me control those thoughts.  Kim helped me figure out my pass and helped me realize the abuse I went through at the hands of my birth dad were more about his issues, and less about mine.  Kim saved my soul more than once in the short 11 years we were friends.  I was 14 when we met, 25 when she died.


When Kim's nephew Matt died we talked for hours about the pain that was left behind.  She was so hurt at first, and then she was angry at him for taking his own life.  Eventually she accepted that Matt could find no other way to get away from the suicide demon.  Kim and I had finally bonded over the pain of losing someone you were not ready to let go of.  For me it was my brother Joey who died of lung cancer when he was 24.  For Kim it was her nephew Matt.  His death opened up a whole new road in our friendship.  We didn't dwell on the pain of Matts decision as we did on the life he left behind.  Kim asked me if I thought Matt was in heaven.  Yes, I told her, I believe we live in hell and heaven is our reward when we leave the fires of earth. 


Death is not a punishment for the bad things we have done, or have been through.  That is what life is I told Kim.  Most often we  fail to forgive us or own sins way beyond others forgiving us our short comings.  When Kim was first diagnosed with cancer she tried to figure out what she did wrong that God would inflict that kind of illness on her, and Cory, and Alex.  She was scared but strong.  She was tired but a fighter.  She was stubborn but .. well, Kim was stubborn to her core, there is no denying that.  I told Kim the last thing she needed was to be confused as to "why her" as opposed to someone else. 


A conversation we often had was regarding life after Kim.  We had spent many nights talking about life after Jett, but suddenly we found ourselves trying to figure out life without Kim in for so many who knew her, and loved her.  I told Kim, "you can tell us all how to move forward in life Kim, but we cannot promise you we will take the direction you want us to."  I had lost enough loved ones in my life by the time I met Kim that I knew no matter how hard you tried to move forward, the pain would always trip you up.  Sure you move on, but its never with the same skip in your step as before.


I asked Kim early on in her treatments if she thought about the 'what if '.  That may seem odd to most of you but that was part of our friendship.  We challenged each other in ways that helped us cope, deal with the shitty parts of life, think it through.  Kim made it very clear that she was a fighter, not a quitter, but if God decided it was her time she wanted her family to keep on moving on.  Alex still has to graduate college, Cory still needs to farm, everyone still has a life after someone leaves.  Kim also wanted Cory to move on. " He's a young man, it would be stupid to spend the rest of his life lonely.  I would move on eventually too Jett, if the right someone came along if Cory was gone."


"What about me Kim?  What am I going to do with no Pooh?"  "You are going to be strong.  You are going to fight to stay alive.  You are going to succeed.  Marry, have a family.  Take care of the misfits.  And never forget me Jett, which means Cory and Alex too.  We are family too."


Kim wanted me to tell her from the very beginning if she was going to beat this cancer.  Every conversation we had she asked me that question.  I had faith in her fight, hope in her future, and I told her yes, you are going to beat this.  But I knew.  And the first time Kim asked me if she was going to die is when I knew.  And Kim knew.  And she was scared.  She no longer talked about beating this, she was now asking if she was going to die.  And Matt new.  And he was waiting for her.  And the last thing I wrote to Kim is the quote at the top of this page.  And I know that Kim never got to read that quote, telling her I knew, and she knew, and Matt knew.

A Life Without Pooh Is still A Life

Jan 1, 2015, I married Katie in a private ceremony with two witnesses.  Oct of 2015 we renewed that union and held a small reception for family and close friends.  On Sept 16, 2016 I was a married man living a single life.  I can explain.


Katie found me when I was in the darkest place in my life I had ever been.  We had known each other since I was a sophomore in high school and Katie was a junior.  We did not hang out together, we ran in different social circles but we had common friends.  So on occasion we ended up in the same place at the same time to hang with the same crowd.  I had a steady girl and everyone assumed one day we would get married.  One person in my life did not feed into my proclaimed love for Kristy.  I did not know that until the day I broke up with Kristy and my friend told me she never felt that Kristy was 'the one' for me.  That friend was Kim, the person in my life that knew me better than anyone ever did, ever could, or ever would.


Kim was the one person in life that 'got me'.  The one person in my life that never left me. Never gave up on me, and never put up with my crap.  When I met Kim through a mutual friend she was in her mid  to upper 30's.  From the very beginning I felt comfortable with Kim and telling her all my secrets, that good the bad and the ugly.  Kim never judged, always gave great advice and for the first time in my life the only person who could tell me she loved me and made me feel like she meant it.


Kim and I could fight, oh boy, could we argue.  She was always right but I wasn't having any of that.  She knew which buttons to push too, but that wasn't always a bad thing.  I trusted Kim, I valued her opinion and I trusted her advice when she offered it regarding blogging my story.  Not just the story of Gracie, who was a college project, at first at least.  But my story, the story of Jett and how his life went from a happy little boy, to a victim of family abuse, to a survivor.  Kim was the biggest part of my survivor story, because of her support I concurred many sleepless nights, many nightmares.


Every death that crossed my path, Kim was there for me to help me move on, to let me mourn, from being angry to broken, from lost to found.  Every death except her own.  I had no one to help me through the fear of losing the first person who accepted me for who I am and helped me find my way back each time I got lost in a world I felt was against me. 


When I realized Katie was the girl I wanted in my life forever, Kim approved.  When Katie decided to surprise me in Oct of 2015 with a vow renewal and reception, Kim approved.  When Kim died in Sept of 2016, there was no one left to approve of my next move.  I always talked things over with Kim regarding my marriage and my relationship with Katie.  I wanted to make sure I was getting it right but when Kim left, I didn't think I was doing anything right.  I decided to just work all the time.  I let Katie do all our planning.  Be here at this time, be there at that time.  I just showed up when she told me to.  I moved forward, I just didn't move on.  It was as if a married couple were living single lives until we needed to be somewhere together at the same time. 


We both felt it, I knew it, Katie knew it, but neither of us moved on.  At least not together.  We were doing all the right things, weddings, birthday parties, church, work, but at night, at home, we did our own thing.  I think that will surprise a lot of the people we know when they read this.  Even the Misfit family didn't really see it.  But I knew and I knew Kim was more than likely very disappointed in me.  She made sure I knew before she died that we all needed to move on.  not just forward, but onward.


About 4 months ago I was at home, in my man cave when I heard Katie crying.  My first instinct was to talk to Kim.  Ask her what should I do Kim?  What am I doing wrong Kim?  Kim help me, I'm lost again.  Kim fix me again I am still broken.  I knew I had to go find Katie, find out what was wrong.  Long story short, Katie was feeling like a married woman living a single life.  We both felt it.  I felt horrible, I knew this was my doing.  Katie was so dedicated to our marriage that she just let so much slide when it came to me.  She wanted more from our marriage, she wanted back what we had on the first day of our life as a married couple.  And so did I.
We talked straight through the night, evaluating what we had and how we could salvage the weak areas of our life together.  I finally told her, it is me.  I need to stop moving forward without moving on.  I needed to be part of life, not just exist in it.  I needed to be to Katie what I promised to be the day I asked her to marry me.  We both knew it would not be easy but with hard work and commitment to the marriage, our life together, we would be ok.  I told Katie she needs to learn from Kim and not put up with my crap.  Katie told me I need to let Kim back in and keep my promise to her.  To keep sharing what I have in my heart with the world because only then, just like Kim has told me a gazillion times, would I be free to move on.
The last 4 months have been amazing.  I am crazy in love with my wife and my life.  I miss Kim so much and cry for her often but those are the times I need to remember she is embedded in my heart.
I look forward to sharing my life with Kim stories with the world.  I want the world to know her like I knew her.  I want the world to know, there are angels on earth, as sure as there are angels in heaven.


My Pooh lives on and I will move on with her in my life as I continue to live a married life ... with children to carry on where one day I will leave off.