"There's an angel above you, guarding your path to heaven. He has prepared a path for you to follow. He has watched years turn to months, months turn to weeks, weeks have become days. Your hour is near. Embrace the gentle touch of his wings on your soul. Fear not, for you were born to reach this moment. Your eternity on earth will soon be eternal life in Gods Kingdom. Only then will you truly be alive. Only then will you know life as God has planned. Go peacefully and willing with faith and dignity and one day you will return when you wrap your wings around a soul you too have made a path to heaven for". ~ Jett Pauling (August 20, 2016)
Twenty-seven days later I found out my friend and life mentor Kim had died from brain cancer. On September 16, 2016 a piece of a lot of people who knew and loved Kim died with her. Our lives would forever be changed, our hearts would skip a beat every so often, a newfound sorrow would forever occupy our minds.
Way before Kim was diagnosed with brain cancer we had many discussions about death and what life on both sides of death must be like. We both knew that the odds of Kim dying before me were slim. I was more likely to die before Kim. To this day I fight the demon of suicidal thoughts. After I met Kim and we became close those demons passed through me less and less. That was because Kim knew how to help me control those thoughts. Kim helped me figure out my pass and helped me realize the abuse I went through at the hands of my birth dad were more about his issues, and less about mine. Kim saved my soul more than once in the short 11 years we were friends. I was 14 when we met, 25 when she died.
When Kim's nephew Matt died we talked for hours about the pain that was left behind. She was so hurt at first, and then she was angry at him for taking his own life. Eventually she accepted that Matt could find no other way to get away from the suicide demon. Kim and I had finally bonded over the pain of losing someone you were not ready to let go of. For me it was my brother Joey who died of lung cancer when he was 24. For Kim it was her nephew Matt. His death opened up a whole new road in our friendship. We didn't dwell on the pain of Matts decision as we did on the life he left behind. Kim asked me if I thought Matt was in heaven. Yes, I told her, I believe we live in hell and heaven is our reward when we leave the fires of earth.
Death is not a punishment for the bad things we have done, or have been through. That is what life is I told Kim. Most often we fail to forgive us or own sins way beyond others forgiving us our short comings. When Kim was first diagnosed with cancer she tried to figure out what she did wrong that God would inflict that kind of illness on her, and Cory, and Alex. She was scared but strong. She was tired but a fighter. She was stubborn but .. well, Kim was stubborn to her core, there is no denying that. I told Kim the last thing she needed was to be confused as to "why her" as opposed to someone else.
A conversation we often had was regarding life after Kim. We had spent many nights talking about life after Jett, but suddenly we found ourselves trying to figure out life without Kim in for so many who knew her, and loved her. I told Kim, "you can tell us all how to move forward in life Kim, but we cannot promise you we will take the direction you want us to." I had lost enough loved ones in my life by the time I met Kim that I knew no matter how hard you tried to move forward, the pain would always trip you up. Sure you move on, but its never with the same skip in your step as before.
I asked Kim early on in her treatments if she thought about the 'what if '. That may seem odd to most of you but that was part of our friendship. We challenged each other in ways that helped us cope, deal with the shitty parts of life, think it through. Kim made it very clear that she was a fighter, not a quitter, but if God decided it was her time she wanted her family to keep on moving on. Alex still has to graduate college, Cory still needs to farm, everyone still has a life after someone leaves. Kim also wanted Cory to move on. " He's a young man, it would be stupid to spend the rest of his life lonely. I would move on eventually too Jett, if the right someone came along if Cory was gone."
"What about me Kim? What am I going to do with no Pooh?" "You are going to be strong. You are going to fight to stay alive. You are going to succeed. Marry, have a family. Take care of the misfits. And never forget me Jett, which means Cory and Alex too. We are family too."
Kim wanted me to tell her from the very beginning if she was going to beat this cancer. Every conversation we had she asked me that question. I had faith in her fight, hope in her future, and I told her yes, you are going to beat this. But I knew. And the first time Kim asked me if she was going to die is when I knew. And Kim knew. And she was scared. She no longer talked about beating this, she was now asking if she was going to die. And Matt new. And he was waiting for her. And the last thing I wrote to Kim is the quote at the top of this page. And I know that Kim never got to read that quote, telling her I knew, and she knew, and Matt knew.
