Faith: Only God Will Ever Love You More Than You Love Yourself

Faith begins inside of ourselves.  That seed was planted inside of us the day we were born.  What we learn about faith as we grow older in age is what we use to build our faith.  It is important to understand that while Faith in God is our ultimate  happiness in a world that seems to spin out of control, faith in ourselves is just as important.  The more we trust and believe in ourselves, the stronger our Faith in God.

We often hear the phrase 'God will not give us more then we can handle'.  I personally have read the Bible cover to cover three complete times and not once have I come across that quote in the Bible.  I am by no means and expert on the Bible and His teaches, but based on my memory of what I feel comes as close to that quote in the Bible can be found in 1 Corinthians 10:13.  

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. King James Version

Temptations in life is what builds upon our faith.  They should not be looked at as if God is testing us, for without temptations we never learn right from wrong and our faith never grows stronger.  What God is telling us is that as we live on the earth he created in an effort to prepare us for eternal life it will be the decisions we make that determines our fate.  

Life is full of temptations and how we act upon those temptations will define how much faith we have in ourselves.  When we are at the lowest of our lows in life is when we tend to make the worst decisions.  When I stop and think about all the challenges that life placed in front of me I think about them from the point of view as to how others have treated me.  Being physically, mentally and sexually abused by my birth dad from the ages of seven to fourteen left me wondering what was it about me that this had happened to me?  I struggle deeply with this question often, even six years later at the age of 20. 

What I am beginning to understand about those seven years of the 'ickies' in my life is that the temptation was placed inside of my birth dad, not inside of me.  It was temptation that was placed in front of him that lead to the abuse he inflicted upon me and my brothers.  Religion and God was not a part of my birth dads life in any aspect what so ever.  My birth dad had no faith, not in God and not in himself.  He did not trust and believe in himself and that led him to a life of temptation that he was sure to fail as it was placed in front of him.

The temptation placed in front of myself was how I would survive the abuse inflicted upon me.  I believe in myself and I am starting to trust myself that I am a good Christian man with great insight that my journey on earth will lead me to the final leg of my journey with God.  That beyond this breath of life I live on earth awaits an eternal life where I will rest peacefully in the comfort of all the temptations I avoided in a world where they were plentiful.

I feel that as the world spins, we as human beings lose more and more of what God had in mind when he created his garden and planted the seeds of faith in Adam and Eve.  It's incredibly sad to me that our prison system houses a larger population than our churches attendance on any given Sunday.  I am not a firm believer that you have to attend a church to have a strong value of faith.  I personally attend Mass each Sunday where I find a peaceful calm overtake any stress of life I may have been hoarding inside of me prior to Sunday services.  However I feel whether you are praying with a congregation or alone, God's will is being done.

I would like to stress how important it is that we believe in ourselves.  That we trust we are a good person in today's world.  That we have faith in who we are and that we reach beyond the temptations in our lives that try to destroy our minds, our hearts, and our souls.  As we walk through life on earth we will experience heartache and pain, often at the hands of others.

No one has the right the destroy our self worth, and we owe it to ourselves to surround ourselves with people who will help us build on our relationship with ourselves and not continue to try and destroy that.  We should allow ourselves the heartache that comes with broken relationships without it destroying our faith in who we are.  We should recognize those people in our lives that continue to chip away at our happiness and self worth.  We should love ourselves first and not be afraid to be alone as we journey through life.  We should believe in ourselves enough to have the patience to wait a life time if that is what it takes to find that one person in life who will love us for who we are.  That one person who will build on how we feel about ourselves, how we love ourselves, how we trust ourselves and how we believe in ourselves.

Letting go of something or someone in our lives that is destroying who we are, or who we want to be, is probably one of the greatest temptations we will have placed in front of us.  If you find yourself in a relationship where you are feeling the need to defend who you are, or you are thinking less of yourself at the hands of another, you more then likely are with someone who does not believe, or trust, or love themselves.  I spent years with a birth dad who never learned how to love himself that left me wondering what was wrong with me.  I spend years with a birth dad who thought so little of himself that he made it his mission to destroy any hope and faith his family had for a happy existence on earth.

You have to love yourself before others will love you.  You have to have faith in the life you chose to live before you can share it with others.  You have to believe in yourself, heart and soul, before others will treat you like you deserve to be treated.  And if they do not, you should rightfully excuse yourself out of their lives, for they did not pass the temptation in front of them to be to you who you were to them.

When you choose to degrade others you are really showing a side of you that you are trying to hide.  Treat everyone with the same kindness and respect you would like to be treated.  MATTHEW 7:1 'judge not others and you will not be judged ...'  IS a quote from the bible.  You are not liable for others temptations in life therefore you have no right to judge the trails and tribulations of those around you.  Bad things happen to good people and you only show your own weakness's when you judge them as they struggle through their hardships.  You will NEVER make yourself look better by trying to make someone else look bad.  Just be kind and work on who you are, instead of trying to convince others who someone else is not.


“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Amazing Grace 46: Grace's Sunday Blessing

I don't know how I ended up at the Children's Hospital today but sometimes you find yourself in the right place, even if you don't know how you got there.  I had just left Sunday mass where I sat for over an hour thinking about my little Amazing Grace and the absence of her in my life now.  It's not that I don't miss her everyday, but for some reason the last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about the time we shared together in the final days of her life on earth.  Several times in the past two weeks I have talked to and seen her parents, Bill and Annie. 

They always tell me they are doing well, express how much they miss her, and how grateful they are to God to have had her in their life even if only for such a short time.  I always respond to that on how much I miss Gracie, how alive I keep her in my heart, and how thankful I am to them for allowing me to spend time with Gracie in the final months of her life.

However, the eyes always reveal the inner truth that the heart and the mind so easily hide.  I look at Bill and I can almost see his sad heart through the eyes that no longer hold the sparkle I witnessed when he was playing with his little princess even in the final days of her life.  Annie's eyes reveal even more of a deep sadness for the child she watched slowly slip away from the life she had planned out for her.  I see the sadness in her eyes as she tries to shield it from me with her smile.  In the months since Gracie has left us I still see the struggle they face in their lives, missing the gift God gave them, and then took away.

Searching for the reasoning behind God's plan for our lives is sometimes cumbersome when we hang on to the sadness and anger that invade our hearts when it is ripped open.  Time heals all wounds is a phrase you often hear from others trying to comfort those who have been physically injured, or from wounds to the heart when loved ones have passed.  The problem I have with this whole time heals all wounds phrase when it comes to a broken heart is that as the heart heals it traps in the pain we are experiencing often causing lingering pain and suffering stuffed into our very sad hearts.

I still cry often, missing those who have died and left me behind.  No matter how many years pass that they have been gone the pain never fades.  It becomes more tolerable as time moves on, but the pain still exists.  We find things that help to ease the pain and the loss, never replacing the loved one, but occupying more of our time.  Gracie was a diversion that occupied my heart, easing the pain.  EASING the pain, because what I learn as I go is the pain will never leave me when it comes to missing the company on earth of the loved ones gone.  I opened my heart to Gracie and I loved her as if she were mine.  And then she was gone from my life but not from my heart.  As my broken heart healed from losing her to eternity it captured the pain and sadness inside, where she lives as a constant reminder to me that God is in control and God has a plan for all of us.  The pings of pain that shoot out from my heart are a gentle reminder that death begins when we are given life, and in death eternity holds our spirit and our soul in another light far from the pain and suffering we carry with us on our walk on earth.

So today when I found myself walking the halls of the Children's Hospital, not knowing what I was searching for, a light began to shine in my heart and I could feel a sparkle in my eyes.  As I walked the halls going from room to room, visiting sick children and the parents whose eyes were holding a sadness that tells their story I knew why I was here.  Gracie sent me there, to fill my heart with more love then I could ever imagine it holding.  I made a quiet promise to myself that after Gracie died I would never put myself in the position to ever become emotionally attached to anyone again whose life on earth would end too soon.  It was too painful, even though I felt the pleasure of a new friendship with someone with so much faith in God's plan would outshine any pain left behind, I decided it was just too hard to walk the final days on earth with those preparing to leave for a life of eternity.

In talking to Pastor Jill recently our conversation took us down the path of  life and life after death.  We talked about the pain I carry in my heart for Joey who knew his fate long before the rest of us believed that his death was becoming a reality.  We talked about the pain of letting my mom go, removing her from all life support machines and letting her decided if she would stay with us, or go rest in her eternity.  We talked about all the people who have touched my life and since have moved on to their next journey beyond a breath of life on earth.  We talked about Gracie and how a child so young and so sick, knowing she would soon be gone, could hold  onto so much faith and believe that God would accept her into His Kingdom.

Pastor Jill and I agreed that without sadness and pain in our lives there would have been no happy heart filled times with people who loved us as strong as we have loved them.  Without friendships and love, there would be no pain and suffering.  So if you want to enjoy one, you have to endure the other.  So to be void of a broken achy heart I would not have ever had the joy of spending time with loved ones.  Today I know that is not an option.  For it truly is a blessing to have loved and lost then to never have loved, or been loved.

I met so many kids and their parents today as I walked those halls.  Children in all areas for various reason as why they are patients there.  Some are short term patients and some will never leave.  Children of all ages, from infant to teen years.  Children of various shapes and sizes and ages.  To put a label on them collectively you could call them Children Of God.  I walked from room to room and stopped when the circumstance allowed me to visit the occupants.  Most it was a simple "hello" followed by a five minute or less conversation, a few hugs, a few handshakes, a few kisses on the heads of the babies that were sleeping.  Many smiles were returned by parents of these children who seemed grateful for a visit by a stranger who was still searching for his reason to even be there.  The older kids, those in their teens, were longer visits as I engaged them in conversation and they were eager to have me sit and visit them for a longer period of time.  A couple of teenage boys in particular seemed to enjoy the company of a kid nearer their age with more in common with them they expected.

I am very much faith based in my walk on earth, and while I do not preach or push my beliefs on others I always engage others in a conversation that lets them know my faith and belief in God and invite them to share theirs with me.  I have learned more about my own religion by being opened minded to what others believe in.  I have so much faith in what I believe that I am not fearful of others sharing their journey with me.  Leaving each room today as I bid farewell to those I visited my final words were the same to each "God bless you in this leg of your journey".

I entered a room with a young man I believed to be around 16 or 17 laying in his hospital bed void of any sunlight or sound.  I almost went right by this room as I walked down the hall but as I passed I looked inside and saw him laying there, eyes open and staring straight up at the ceiling.  I invited myself in and approached him with a hello.  He turned to look at me but did not respond to my greeting.  I could see the sadness in his eyes and I also got the feeling that he wanted to be left alone.  I turned to leave in the silence he lived in with the parting words of "God bless you in this leg of your journey".   As I excited the door of his room I heard his voice.  "God does not exist in the world I come from."  I continued to walk another couple steps before I had to turn back and peek into that door again.  "He exists in my world and may his everlasting light shine on you in your time of sadness".   He responded rather quickly, "If he wanted his light to shine on me I would not be laying here today".

OK, I thought, I will latch on to this hook he baited with his lack of faith in himself.  I invited myself into his room and stood next to his bed.  We had a great conversation that lasted for a little under an hour.  His name is Brandon and he turned 17 this past September.  He was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) ten days ago.   He was playing football with his friends when he was tackled and broke his leg.  Through that medical emergency came the news about his AML.  Although it will be a long road of medical treatments, Brandon will survive.   We swapped stories of broken bones, girlfriends, overbearing parents, homework and our futures beyond education.  We talked about our families and friends.  We talked about the holidays and family traditions.  We laughed as we shared stories of the jokes we played on our siblings and he got some great ideas from me about how to play tricks on your dad.

What we did not talk about was religion, faith, God and life in the Christian world.  I pushed no buttons and opened no doors in Brandon's world.  He never asked what brought me to this hospital or to his room.  I offered no background history on my experiences with death or the cancer world.  When I felt Brandon was getting tired and needed to rest I simply stood up, walked over to his room window and pulled up the blinds.  "What are you doing?", he would ask.  "Letting God's light shine on you in your time of sadness", I responded.  Next I walked over and grabbed the remote and turned on a Christmas show.  "Now what are you doing?", he asked.  "Leaving you with some joyful noise that will warm your heart", I told him.  "What next?", he wanted to know.  "I don't know, I'll think of something.  Nice to meet you Brandon, I'll stop by in a couple of days in case you miss me", I said as I walked out of his room and headed down the hall.

As I walked towards the exit I ran into a priest.  "Father, in room 216 there's a kid named Brandon.  We were just talking and I would appreciate it as much as he would if you could stop in and bless his day full of Grace."  I continued to walk out of that hospital with a smirk that would make my misfit brothers proud of how I just pushed the button of a kid who plays the same brotherly games with each other as we do. 

Happy Sunday Gracie!  Thank you for guiding me today in a new journey.  Continue to bless me with the love you left in my heart as I work on filling up the empty spaces to hold more friendships and love then I ever thought it could.  I love and miss you Gracie but I know you are only a memory away from me.  

Hugs, Jett (the boy with the funny name who misses the life out of you!)

Family: The Prayer Of Heaven (I love you Mom, RIP)

In a box underneath a years worth of memories I found the last greeting card my Mom ever gave me.  I knew it was there, right where I left it last Thanksgiving day when I dug it out to hold onto to the closest thing I had to my Mothers touch.  I went looking for it during the night last night when I could not sleep.  I was not looking for comfort for the sadness in my heart, I was looking for something to hold while my heart beat a steady rhythm of pain.

Today marks one year since my Mom ended her walk on earth and climbed those steps into heaven to spend eternity with three of her five children that God took before he called her home.  It was two days before Thanksgiving last year that my brother Jordy and I made the decision to take her off all life support and see if she had the strength to continue her walk on earth.  She did not. 

That day was probably the one day that defined a new relationship between my brother and myself.  Jordy and I are as different as night and day when it comes to our walk on earth.  Same blood, same childhood of abuse, same destination into eternity.  The day we stood in the hallway of the hospital right outside our Mom's room in IC was the day we found the common ground that would match the souls that live inside our bodies.  We revealed to each other our total complete true selves that day.  We bonded beyond the brotherhood we tried to find with each other into what we truly are in the Christian world.  We were children of God, looking for answers, searching for the truth of eternal life, anticipating the day when we will walk again with our Mother and our siblings, Jayson, Joey, and Jacelyn.

I reached down in that box letting my fingers filter down past obituaries, letters, cards, and news clippings I choose to keep.  All holding memories that will never leave my heart but will fade from my mind.  Things I feel the need to hang onto so I can revisit those milestone moments that have helped form me into who I am.  I pulled out the blue envelope that I knew contained the card my Mom had given me for my 19th birthday the prior August.  It was a simple card which was typical of my Mom, "Happy Birthday Son" was printed on the outside with a picture of a birthday cake with a single candle on it.  On the inside was printed "now you are ONE!"  There was a picture of that same cake on the inside and my Mom drew in a second candle in the shape of a nine, making it the number 19, which was my age that day.  We shared a huge laugh on the cuteness of that card, along with an even bigger hug.

My Mom signed that card "love Shirley".  As odd as it may seem to most for a mother to sign her sons birthday card with her birth name on it, it was something she started doing on the cards she gave me since I was fourteen and left home.  I never asked my Mom about why she did that but I suspected that is when she started to feel as if she was not the mother to her son anymore.  That statement pretty much sums up the relationship I had with my Mom from the time we reconnected until the day she died.  I had become more of a parent to my Mom then she was to me.  I still called her mom, but I knew that the typical relationship between a son and his mom was not something we shared anymore and the roles had reversed.  The more time that passed the more I noticed I was making some very minor decisions for my Mom.

From what to wear to what to order when we went out for a meal, the decisions seem to confuse my Mom more and more as the sun rose on a new day.  Once she had her first stroke, it only got more frustrating for her to have to make choices.  When she had her second, major stroke I begin to think about the quality of my Mom's life and what it would be like for her.  The days she spent on machines that were keeping her alive were growing longer and longer as I waited for her to come back to life on her own.  Sometimes I feel as if I knew this was not good, even when I was praying for the best.

The Five Stages of Grief:

Denial.  I was simply in denial that this was happening.  I was in shock and my body grew numb.  This was not happening because I do not want to deal with this.  She will wake up before we decide what we need to do and I will be off the hook.  No one should be 19 and have to make this decision in life, so therefore, it is not real to me.  I am over reacting to this whole scene, it is not as bad as I am thinking it is.  I will go in there and hold Mom's hand and she will open her eyes and we will laugh about last week when she tried to make an over easy egg for her breakfast and it quickly turned to scrambled eggs.

Anger:  My denial had turned to anger as I sat and stared at my Mom in that bed reliving our life in the Bushnell house that now seemed more like a torture chamber than a home.  I was angry at my 'dad', the 'man' that put her through years of abuse.  The 'husband' who was sitting in a prison cell that society put him in as punishment for his crimes against his very own family members.  I was angry that he got to live and my Mom was going to die.  It did not seem right and the angrier I become the more I allowed myself to hate him for doing this to the only parent that ever hugged me and told me she loved me.

Bargaining: I started to deal with God and when I felt he was not listening to me I started to deal with the devil.  I wanted a deal, I wanted to trade whatever I could for my Mom's life.  I was lost in the moments that were leading up to giving the doctors our final decision.  I was desperate, searching and reaching for whatever I could to deal away, even if it was my life for my Moms.  Why was no one listening to me, why was no one willing to bargain with me.  Anger would once again surface when the denial would leave me and the bargaining would be denied. 

Depression: Once I realized what the right thing to do for my Mom was I felt nothing.  I felt empty of all emotions, numb to all feelings inside my heart and mind.  It was as if nothing seemed to matter to me at this moment.  It was the calm before the storm that would take over my entire being as anger once again built up inside of me as I realized that within hours my Mom could be dead, her earth's journey done.  I was withdrawing my emotions from life, helpless in a black hole filled with sadness as life was about to take a new turn in my journey on earth.

Acceptance:  Within hours of making our decision my Mom's life had slipped away and I had accepted God's decision to take her home.  This would be my life now.  I was not happy with the outcome and I expected it to turn out just the opposite as it did.  But this was it and there was no bringing her back.  I would never feel the touch of a mothers love again.  In my mind I was accepting all of this, in my heart I was still in denial, still angry, still trying to make a deal, and still very much deep in a depression I ace at hiding from the world to this day.

A year later I am still fighting the grief of walking through life with my mother gone.  I am still in denial of her being gone. I am still angry with her for leaving a big void in my life that I will never be able to fill.  I still try to bargain with God on my demise, promising to be a better person "if".  I don't know what that "if" is but I still try.  I still fight the depression of a loved one gone.  I still look for answers and try to find reasons on 'why me? why us?'  I still feel guilty for deciding to let her go.  I still love her with all I have and with all my heart.  I still cry because I miss her.  I still pray for the day I will see her again.  It still hurts and I hope it always does.  Because the pain is the only memory I have that keeps all the other memories alive.

Mom,

I miss you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.  I hope you can hear the prayer I say for your ears everyday.  I hope you can feel the hugs I send when I need a hug in return.  I hope you are proud of who I am in today world.  I hope you see how hard I try to keep your spirit alive in how I move through my days on earth.  I miss you Mom, and I long for days of the past when I could sneak up behind you and surprise you with a hug.  I miss your laugh and the smiles we shared.  I miss your holiday cards that only made sense to me and left everyone else wondering if you meant to do that or not.  More than anything in the world I MISS YOU.

I am thankful today that even though you are in God's Kingdom for eternity I had you when you were on your journey on earth.  I am thankful for all you did to protect me as best you could and all you did to teach me things to get me where I am today.  Happy Thanksgiving Mom.  God rest your soul in the peace and happiness you missed out on down here.

Love you with all my heart,
Jett

 “The Prayer of Heaven,”

My God, I adore You and I love You!

Through the hands of the Madonna, with Your grace and help I accept from You, O Lord, at the unexpected hour any kind of death as it will please You to send me, and I ask of You the grace not to have fear of death. Please forgive all of my sins.

I accept my death in union with the Sacrifice that You, O Jesus, High and Eternal Priest, Yourself made on the Cross and that now You renew on many Altars. I intend to offer to You my death in the spirit of the Holy Masses which at that moment will be celebrated and I offer You Your infinite merits to pay for my sins and the penalty of Purgatory.

Saved by Your Blood, through Your merits and those of Your Mother I ask You the same mercy granted to the Good Thief, namely the grace to enter immediately with You into Paradise and to have immediately the perfect Beatific Vision of God. Amen.

I thank You, my Jesus! 

by Monsignor Charles M. Mangan 

Family: A Letter Sent To Heaven

Joey,

I miss you Joey, some day's more than others but everyday I miss you here with me.  It seems it has been one of those days where everywhere I turn there is a reminder of the times we had before you kicked up your walk on earth a notch and went home to God.

This time it was something Lucy wrote on my facebook wall about her step-son learning his letters and drawing a picture.  She wrote (and I quote her)  "My Jimmy is just learning how to put letters together to make small words. Tonight he drew a blue stick figure person with about five suns all over in the pic. Then he wrote the letters "J O E L J" it was so wierd. I thought you would enjoy hearing that."  I responded to Lucy saying that maybe you were looking over her and her family.   

It made me happy in my heart that she still thinks about you and that you give her signs that you are still with us, only in a very different way.  I know you are Joey, I believe with all I am that you are still near all of us that got left behind.  I can feel you, it's almost as if I could reach out and touch the space you occupy.  I don't know what I did, or what happened, that I cannot communicate with you like we were before Mom died.  I keep trying to figure out what I could do differently.  My faith is as strong as it has ever been.  I miss you more than ever.  I keep my mind open and my heart open so you can come in anytime you want to.  

Remember when you were worried you would not get to go to heaven because you did not attend church?  I asked Father Tom today when he came to the house to visit me and see how my injury is healing.  He said absolutely God would still let you into heaven if that is where you were prepared to be.  It was a great conversation about church and it reminded me of you and Aunt OJ talking about that when you were bedridden at the Bushnell house.  We had a great visit about life and death and earth and eternity.  

Father Tom even said something that makes complete sense to me regarding church and faith.  I have many many friends who do not attend church but have a strong faith in God.  He said that it's real sad that some people lose their faith because they are not attending the right church.  Father said that there are many people who attend the same church they grew up with even though they do not believe what the church teaches but they do not feel right seeking out a church that is a better fit for them and how they choose to believe in the teachings of the Bible.  I told him how you happened to come across the catholic teachings of the Bible through Aunt OJ.  We decided you are right where you wanted to be for your eternal life and that it is the same place I am looking forward to when I get my eternal life with God.

I was telling Father Tom about the day you were coming over to the Bushnell house and you and I were going to take Mom out to eat for no reason other then she had never been to Miles Inn (Sioux City, IA) before for one of their famous Charlie Boy sandwich specials.  I told him how you were late, and the later you were the more I worried about how short our time would be together.  When you finally made it I was angry with you for being so late and limiting the time we would get to spend together before we had to be back home so "dad" did not get upset with Mom for leaving that day.   Do you remember what you said to me?  I do.  You said "Kid, someday I will be waiting for you even longer than you had to wait for me."

Father Tom thought that was ironic, that I would remember those words you spoke to me.  He said "And look at where he is today, and how he is in fact, now waiting for you.  Do you suppose he feels he is waiting an eternity for you?"  It made me smile Joey, because you are waiting aren't you?  And I am sure you are more patient waiting for me then I ever was waiting for you.  

After Father Tom left I thought about that whole waiting scene.  I keep waiting for you to come back, and you are waiting for the day I come home to you.  It's both a sad and a happy thought, but it makes me realize, we haven't given up on each other at all.  We are still connected by our Faith as sure as we are connected by our blood.  I have all our memories Joey, the good and the bad, and I think about all of them a lot.  I wish our lives were easier in the Bushnell house but we had some great memories in the dirty Sioux too.  For every memory that makes me cry or angry, there is one right behind it to make me smile and laugh.  I like how so many things in my life still remind me of you or a moment in time we shared.  

I just miss you big today Joey, even though I know you are with me, I miss you voice.  I miss hanging around with you and Mikey and listening to you tell jokes and laugh about your day.  I miss going over to your place and watching you and Mikey annoy Jake.  I miss playing poker with you guys and taking all your pretzels, M&Ms, and Twizzlers when I won the ante pile.  I miss laying next to you in the final days of your life talking about Jesus and how we have to be strong like he was when God took his life in order to save us from our sins.  I miss you, just as much today as I did yesterday and just as much today as I will tomorrow.  

ILY Joey,  keep waiting for me and thanks for being patient while I continue my journey on earth.  

Love, Jett

Friends: Closure or Confirmation?

The worst thing about being laid up with a broken collar bone?  Too much time to allow the mind to wander.  Even though it seems as if it's been much longer, it's only been a week.  The rainbow in this latest down pour of rain I call a bad break (no pun intended) is the opportunity to reach out to those I am long overdue in making contact with. The chance to catch up with everyone was really refreshing as I don't feel I often take the time, or make the time, to really see how everyone is really coming along in their journey on earth.  I am committed to reaching out to more of those on my overdue to talk to list these next seven days which will put me at the two week mark in my injury.

I had the chance to communicate on and off these past seven days with my friend Pastor Jill from Florida.  I met PJ through my Gracie blogs when one of our followers contacted her regarding them and she decided to follow that thread on my blogspot site.  It was not so much the Gracie side of the blogs she was following, but the christian aspect of how they were written.  PJ was concerned for Gracie and prayed for her and her family to find comfort and strength in what they were facing, however it was the faith of the story that drew PJ in.  Her mission as a pastor is working with the youth in her community to help them find faith, and build upon it, as they journey with her on the path of Christianity.

What PJ was looking for in befriending me was an insight to my faith.  While I appreciated her interest in seeking me out to find out where I found faith, I've not ever felt that my faith was strong.  Or at least strong enough for someone to take interest on how it was formed and how it is nurtured and grows as I walk my journey.  PJ flew from Florida to Boston and we met and spent a day together talking about our different takes on the world of God and religion.  We felt we were both on the same page in our paths of life, walking on the same road, only several miles apart, to find our way to Heaven. Through my Administrative Assistant PJ has been given permission to use my blogs to communicate to her youth group students in my walk of faith on earth.

(I think most everyone who follows my work is aware I have an Administrative Assistant who assists me with my blogging.  While working with Gracie on her story and writing my side of Gracie's story, the following of my blogs became so vast so quickly that it was impossible for me to keep up with it all.  Being a full time college student, working at a publishing company as an intern, blogging about so many different topics, with recreational hockey play and spending important time with my Misfit family, it all become overwhelming.  I sought out the help of Ms Lit, my high school English teacher who is also my biggest mentor.  She was more than happy to offer her services as my Admin Assistant to help me keep moving in the right direction and keeping my blog following friends informed and in touch.  Through the help of Ms Lit I am able to stay one step ahead of my goal in becoming an established journalist.)

Pastor Jill is working on an agenda for her next youth group ministry. She decided to check in with me to see what life has been dealing me since we last spoke.  We spoke a lot about faith and how it continues to grow inside of us, often when we do not even know, or feel, that it is. I really like and respect that PJ's lessons are faith based and driven.  She brings this out in her students, teaching them not only what faith is, but helps them see the faith they have in them, and gives them direction in growing their faith.  The one topic PJ and I always agree on is the importance of God and faith in our lives.  I was surprised when I told her of my upcoming trip to attend The Long Island Mediums reading that she was totally 100% in disagreement over this.

She told me "faith is believing what you do not know" and "trying to have someone else confirm your faith and your belief is not having faith".  I was crushed that the friend who believed in me based on my stance on faith was disappointed that I was seeking a medium to confirm the presence of the deceased in my life.  I explained to PJ that I do have faith in after life and eternity.  That I do believe in angels and spirits that fly among us and protect us from ourselves.  This was, and may be, the only topic that PJ and I disagree with completely.  We are on either side of a line drawn between trust and faith.  Thank God we respect each other to remain true to our friendship despite this flaw we found in each other.

I think if you are in the position of losses so great it leaves holes in your heart you would have a better understanding of the need for confirmation of your loved ones being with you.  I am not talking about closure as you often hear of when someone looks for the comfort of things gone wrong with no clear reason or explanation to why they are gone.  My closure came with-in days of each death of a loved one.  I do not fear death, I do not wish to die, but I know to reach our final destination in our journey we will all need to die.  It was not easy to let go of my loved ones, however I know they are in a more beautiful place then they were on earth.  The struggles they faced in their life ended the day God took them home.  I can handle that with complete trust and faith knowing they are at peace in their hearts and their souls are resting in the Promise Land.

I am talking about confirmation that the times I feel them near me, or hear them 'talk' to me, that they are truly there and it is not my imagination playing tricks on me.  I have seen them in my sleep and I have seen them in the most challenging times of my life.  Like when I was sick with mono and I was experiencing some very painful times.  I was so out of it that I could not remember when I took my meds or if I had so I continued to takethem to stop the pain.  I tried to get up to go get more pills for the pain but felt I was being sat on by my brother Joey and he was telling me to relax, everything will be ok.  A peaceful calm came over me as I laid back and relaxed, feeling the weight of my deceased brother on me, preventing me from taking even more medication.  The pain subsided as I drifted off to sleep thinking how comforting it was that Joey was with me and protecting me.  I remembered all the details when I woke up and I felt it was not a dream.

I have had many instances like this but I have never trusted they were not dreams, not matter how real they felt to be.  I have been comforted not only by Joey but also by Gracie.  I have been 'visited' by my mom, and others that have passed over to the other side.  As time goes on and I have lost more and more people in my life to death, I hear more, I see more, I feel more.  I am so ready to see if these visits and conversations can be confirmed by someone outside of my circle of life.  To see if my imagination is running amok or if I am truly being guarded and guided by the angels in my life.

I do miss those that I have lost in life but I do not feel I miss them to the point where I imagine they are communicating with me.  I do not believe it is wrong to want confirmation that what I feel is real.  I do not believe it is a lack of faith or trust in God to ask for this confirmation.  I do believe in God, I do believe in eternity, and I do believe that spirits of the souls gone ahead of me protect and guide us.  What I want to be confirmed is that they communicate with us in a way we can feel them near us.  That they do protect us with a gentle touch to help change our directions.  That they do laugh in our ears and whisper to us with the wind.  That the unexpected turns in our life are those loved ones setting us back on the path God has laid out before us.

I feel it is real, I have faith that they are with me, I want confirmation that my mind does not play tricks on me.  If you've ever felt the hair on your arms move, or if you've ever heard a whisper in the air, or if you've ever felt a touch when no one was there, you know where I am coming from on this topic of debate.  If you've ever suddenly felt a tear drop from your eye without reason, or a warm feeling in your heart, or a tap on your shoulder when you know you're alone, you know what I am trying to get confirmed.

Sometimes the unexplained is just that and things that happen, happen for no reason at all.  Sometimes life just plain messes with you to see how much further it can push you around.  Sometimes you just believe to believe and trust because it's never been broken.  Sometimes your heart hurts because you did a poor job of protecting it against the odds.  Sometimes you just sing and dance because you feel like it.  Sometimes you smile when you see a random act of kindness take place and do not even realize you just did.  Sometimes you get back up when you fall because you know its the right thing to do.  Sometimes you cry when there is nothing to really cry about.  Sometimes you dream because life is good.  Sometimes you have nightmares because life is not good.  Sometimes you love, because you want to be loved back.  Sometimes it's real, and sometimes its not.  Sometimes you trust and sometimes you question that trust.  Sometimes you believe, and sometimes you want to believe. 

My faith in God and his work is stronger then the faith I have in believing and trusting in myself.  There are days when I know I need to build upon both my faith in myself and my faith in God.  Strengthening one, will for certain strengthen the other.  Each passing day I am provided with steps that challenge both my faith and trust.  Each passing day I wake up the next with a stronger belief in both.  Thank you Pastor Jill, for standing up for what you believe, and allowing me to stand up for what I feel is right. 

Faith: Chasing Rainbows, Landing in a Pot of Gold

 What's at the end of your rainbow?

Most days when it rains I push back the dark clouds and look for the rainbow in hopes of falling into a pot of gold.  It's not that I expect things to go the way I have it planned out all the time, but when one dream continues to get crushed and you are uncertain of the other, well, that rainbow seems so far away.

I've never wanted the riches in life most people think of when they fantasize about finding the pot of gold.  And while that is most peoples dreams I am sure there are many others that have their own thoughts about what is in that pot of gold they search for in hopes of enriching their lives.  That pot of gold probably changes out depending on the situation some people find themselves in.

Mine personally never strays far from the original thought of what I would like to find sliding down that rainbow into that pot.  I want to be a writer, not just any writer, I want to change people lives.  My first goal in life was to make it to college and I had plans on skating my way into a scholarship that would provide me with a four year degree in journalism.  Turns out my academics would be more to my advantage to focus on and obtain scholarships through my brain vs my legs. Hockey would become my hobby and I would enjoy it on a whole different level.  I would drop in when time permitted and I would continue to use it as a work-out routine to keep me healthy and in shape.  So I am an inspiring journalist, being formally educated in the art of writing, skating in my spare time.  Due to the realization that I will not make money playing hockey and until I can take off as an established author, hammering out a living on my laptop, I have decided to extend my college time by two years to obtain a career in teaching at the elementary level.

My pot of gold is not about fortune or fame.  We all know teachers are underpaid professionals and I've already established I will not make money with my hockey skills.  I do not even know if I will be successful as a journalist or even if I do how much of a living that will provide me, let alone a family should that path ever cross in front of me.  So what is my pot of gold? What is it that keeps me looking beyond the dark clouds for that rainbow?  When the clouds keep rolling in darkening my dreams and clouding my goals, what is it that keeps me pushing back in life when everything seems so far out of my reach?

I tend to believe that coming from such a dark past where the physical, mental and sexual abuse felt as if it would never end, I have already seen the worse of times in my life.  I would challenge anyone trying to convince me that I would see times as dark as those.  My memories up to the age of seven are scarce but there are some and they are of good times when all my siblings were alive and together.  The memories from age seven up to the age of fourteen are very vivid and often reappear in the form of nightmares.  At the age of fourteen I escaped from the dark side of my life and since that day there have been plenty of rainbows for me to see. 

The thing about rainbows is they do not completely take away the clouds.  Without the rain there are no rainbows.  How we handle the rain is up to us.  If we let the drops control our faith and trust we will surely drown in our own tears.  I believe it is in fact the dark clouds, the rain, the storms that come and go in our lives that are designed to make us stronger.  To help us build our faith in eternal life and our trust in God's plan for us.  Yet knowing this is what I believe it still confuses me that when dark times arise my faith seems to get weaker before it gets stronger.  Not once in my life have I ever failed to come out of a depressing moment stronger and better mentally then I can imagine.  I know this, yet I find myself in moments of weakness questioning the path I am on.

Today I thought about the shadows in my life that never seem to go away.  The things that haunt me from seven years of my life that I had no control over much more then my faith that God would help me through them.  It is as if I cannot let go of the past because it keeps me grounded on where I came from and tells me that where I am headed is a much more peaceful form of life . Do I tend to keep those bad memories alive so I never forget to be thankful for what I now have?  The shadows are a part of who I am and I am coming to realize they will always be with me.  The clouds will always roll in just when everything seems to be going according to my plan.  The rain will fall freely so rainbows can be seen.  I will follow the rainbows until I find my pot of gold.

What is my pot of gold?  Eternal Life.  Yes, someday I will slide down that rainbow right into my pot of gold and when I do I will be rejoined with all those that slid down their rainbow before I have, into the ultimate pot of gold, whether they knew what was in it or not.  Until then I will push back the clouds that darken my days.  Someday I will be that writer I want to be that changes people lives for the better.  It matters not how I get there, as long as I keep overcoming the obstacles I find in my path. 

I will get through this latest storm passing over me and I will come out a better person, a stronger christian, and my faith will be stronger then it was yesterday.  I have a passion for life and if the obstacles placed in front of me are meant to slow me down and help me realize where I am is where I need to be then so be it.  Life is good, no, make that great.  I will take the rain to get the rainbow that will lead me to that big pot of gold in the sky.

Family: Fact over Fiction

As an aspiring journalist the world of words tend to fascinate me.  I spend countless hours reading various forms of words in print.  Outside of the Bible, which I read daily in the mornings and evenings, I read books of all genres from various authors.  I also read newspapers from various city's around the country from the campus library.  Lacking the discipline in good sleeping habits, another from of media I have picked up on is the mobile news I am able to read on my cell phone before I drift off after my day.

I have never really gotten into the political arena of news due to all the slander and name calling that accompanies it.  I also tend to stay away from the violent stories as they seem to knock me back into the shadows of an abusive family life prior to escaping that old life and stepping into a more solid and stable environment. I also tend to stay out of the fiction world when I am reading books, finding that books based on fact are more appealing to me.

Just so we clear up my interpretation of fact verses fiction, fiction to me is 100% make believe.  I find fiction to be someones imagination diving into a world yet unexplored and provides entertainment value only.  I believe there are many great books written based on fiction that help people escape real life for a moment.  I would venture to say that people who live closer to the amercian dream life style enjoy a good fiction story over factual stories.  They are solid and comfortable in the lives they live, have great imaginations and enjoy reading stories that can keep their imaginations alive and satisfy the need the wild ride fiction provides them.

I am more of a factual kind of guy.  I tend to get into, and understand more, a story based on facts.  A story that closely resembles the past I walked through.  A past that, although is real, takes more imagination to understand then a fiction story provides.  I know these stories, I lived these stories, and I can attest to the facts they provide their readers.  As I continue to write stories and publish books I hope I can also continue to help the readers feel the emotions they are not only written in, but the emotions in which they are told.

I am in my third year of college majoring in journalism with a life goal of becoming a writer that can keep actual books in the hands of readers world wide.  Clear back in my youth before I could even read a book, my fondest memories in a house of mental, physical and sexual abuse were the times spent sitting on my mom's lap being read stories from children's books.  The walks to the Morningside Sioux City Public Library branch in Iowa to pick out books that would be read to me by my mom were also part of those fondest memories.  The physical touch of books in my world today provide me with comfort of those lost days gone by.  When I pick up a book and open it I feel an immediate connection to the bond they made between my mom and me.  The loving memories they made between a boy and his mom, when everything else in their world seems to be lost in a world I wish were fiction but was as factual as the shadows they left in my soul.

I am not saying I have never read a story written as fiction, I have, and I have enjoyed them.  They just have never satisfied my hunger to seek out and write stories that show the compassion stories based on fact do.  In all honestly, I am working on seeking out the factual stories of tragic proportions that will better assist me in expressing the factual stories of life that I so want the world to reach out to and read.  I consider true tragic stories to be those things in life that happen for no good of the earth at all.  The stories about gangs and shootings and crime that portray senseless acts of violence to me.  I do not want to follow, or write those stories as there are enough of them in the news media.  I feel I need to read them in an effort to keep me true to the stories I do want to write.

I want to spread the stories of human nature and the struggles we face.  The stories that are great in number but small in being published.  The stories of people lives that are sad, yet encouraging to others. The stories that touch our hearts at a higher level of compassion and our minds at a higher level of intelligence.  The stories that assists us in our self soul-searching efforts to find out who we are and who we need to become.  The stories that allow us to pray for others whether we have met them or not.  The stories that show us how fortunate we are when it comes to our own struggles in life.  The stories that build upon the faith as we continue our journey to eternal life where our souls will live forever.

Last night I was a bit wound up from my hockey game and sleep was no where in sight.  All the other misfits were long asleep before I could even settle back in my bed to begin my nightly ritual of trying to sleep.  I picked up my cell phone and pulled up the Yahoo news feed that I have been reading.  I do not particularly enjoy this news feed but force myself to read it to better learn about what I DO NOT care to write about.  One story caught my attention though, and it was about a helicopter crash in Atlanta that killed to police officers.  It was a rather brief, short on facts, story but this Yahoo News feed I follow allows for reader comments which when I read them makes me want to jump through the screen on my cell phone and verbally assault some of the heartless people who write comments.  For every one compassionate comment praying for the dead officers and their families, there were three that felt the need to comment about "dead pigs show pigs cannot fly" or "two less crooks in the world" or "they have no business snooping into our back yards".  These officers of the law were up in the air searching for a 9 year old boy who had gone missing.

I found this very disturbing, that there is still so much hate in the world that anyone would be happy that two lives have been lost because they were trying to save the life of a child.  What this story did for me was confirm my dedication to bringing stories of hope and faith to the world.  While the story of Gracie was the hardest story I will ever perhaps write and bring to light to those with human compassion, I would much rather cover stories of her nature where as fellow human beings we can relate and pray for others then the tragic stories of hate and self destruction in today's world.

 

Young Blogs: The Darkness With-In

Another old note I wrote over a year ago before I started blogging on this blog site.  I can honestly say I have come a long way since I wrote this blog about the pain I carry inside of me.  I can also honestly say I face the same demons today as I did back then.  Shadows that lurk near me giving me the fear of all my dreams being washed away.  I still carry the fear of the unknown to the questions I have about life that have yet to be answered.  The one thing that has changed greatly is the faith I carry that will grow stronger about who I am, where I am, and where I am heading.  What also remains true is that when my feet are moving I am more comfortable in life then when they are idle and my mind keeps spinning. 

 

THE DARKNESS WITH-IN ...

by Jett Pauling on Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 10:07am 

Words can not describe what I feel on the inside.  Putting them together into sentences do not paint the true picture of the darkness in my soul.  The only way to deal with this is to avoid the pain buried deep inside this tomb we know as the human body.  The only way to avoid the darkness within is to shut down the organs that permit this rented earthly life to drag on and unleash the demons planted inside.

The mind never stops turning, playing me like a fiddle.  Knowledge consumes me, fills my brain with information that merely exists to provide entertainment and conversation.  The more I learn about life outside this shell, the less I have to face my fears.  The more I can keep my feet moving, the less I have to think about what lurks inside my chest.

Freedom means different things to different people.  I will achieve my own personal freedom the day I can truly rest in peace, and have access to all the answers, to all the questions, that no one can provide for me under the stars that lead to the Kingdom.

I am well aware of the people in my life that love me, unconditionally.  I am aware of how big that number is and what those people truly mean to me.  I appreciate each and every one of them in my life that accept me as I am.  I know it is they that keep me breathing, keep me motivated, keep me grounded, in my pursuit to be the person I want to be.  Without my circle of family and friends, living and deceased, the shadows that haunt me would surely have taken away my breath by now.

Life is not an option, and either is death.  At times I feel stuck between wanting to live, and wanting to die.  When my feet are moving, I want to live. I want to accomplish all and defeat the challenges that block my path.  When my feet are idle, my brain works harder.  I am forced to evaluate all that is and all that was.  I relive my past as if I am still in it, fighting to get out, hopeless I will achieve that.  I think about the shadows lurking behind me, ready to extinguish the fires I have burning.  I think about those that have shot past the stars and moved on to the Kingdom, where questions are answered and pain is no more.

In appearance at first glance you might perceive me as a well rounded put together kind of guy who accepts lifes punches, getting back up and moving on when he gets knocked down.  Turn me inside out and you will see that little kid full of fear, never accepted, always rejected.  Stuck between wanting to live, and wanting to die. In the end, who will win?

Young Blogs: R.I.P (A year has passed since God took you home)

I wanted to share a few of my early blogs with you before I started this blog spot and only posted notes via Facebook.  I left them as is and opted out of editing them at all. - Jett
 RIP (Written: Thursday, Feb 7, 2008

A year ago today my brother died. He died of lung cancer at the age of 24. I don't understand how someone can die of lung cancer when he never smoked. I don't understand why someone so young has to leave this world when all he was doing was living a good life.

It wasn't even an accident that he died, like when my brother Jayson died in a car accident when a drunk driver hit him head on. He was coming home from his last year of college for his Christmas break. He died in an instant, and they told my family he probably felt very little pain if any at all.

It wasn't even an accident that he died, like when my baby sister Jacilynn died when my uncle accidently back over her in his driveway when she was only 4. She was too little to know what happened to her and died with-in two hours of her accident.

Joey had to suffer for almost a year before he died. My family had to watch Joey die. All these people tried so hard to save his life and he fought hard to just keep on living. He wanted to keep on living but he never showed us he was afraid to die. We were all more scared for him than he was for himself. Even on the worse day of his pain, he never complained about how sick he was.

I remember the day that Joey died. My mom and dad, my brother Jordy, Joey's best friend Mikey, and me were with him. We didn't know he was gonna die that day, until Mikey stood next to Joey's bed. They didn't say a word to each other. Joey took Mikey's hand and they just looked at each other. It was like they were thinking the same. Then Joey said "see you on the other side bro, take care of the girls".

I remember my mom just kissed Joey on the cheek, and a tear rolled down her face. I never seen her cry since than. I remember Jordy wiping away his tears, kissing Joey goodbye, hugging Mikey real tight. He don't let me see him cry now, but I know he does. I remember my dad walking out of the room, without acknowledging Joey even dying. Just like when Jayson died, no tears at all. I just sat down in a chair and looked at Joey, I didn't know what to do. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn't do anything.

I remember Mikey begging Joey not to go. That they had so much more to do. All the pacts that they made in life they had to finish. I remember thinking how much emotion Mikey was letting out. He was so sad. He was so mad. He was so helpless. He was so confused. He was so hurt. I remember him yelling at Joey, being mad at him. Calling him a quitter. Telling him he wouldn't do this to Joey so why was Joey doing it him. I never seen anyone cry as hard as Mikey did that day. I remember thinking to myself, what kind of friend are you to yell at your best friend like that?

For this whole year I never forgot any of the memories I have of my brother dying. Always searching for answers of why he had to die. Why him. Out of all the people in the world, why Joey? Turns out, I learned a lot from Mikey reacting to Joey the way he did. It's ok to show your love, hate, anger, confusion and tears. He didn't care that Joey was dying, he was going to let him know exactly how he felt about it. He didn't care what anyone thought about how he showed his love for Joey. Mikey just cared that Joey left this world understanding that he was leaving this world under Mikey's protests, and that someday he was going to have to answer for doing that.

So today, one year after you died Joey, I am telling you how sorry I am that I didn't know exactly how to let you go that day. I still don't have all the answers to why you had to leave and I probably never will. I still cry a lot because I miss you and I probably always will. I think about you every day and I really appreciate you meeting me in church when I need to talk things over with you. Thanks for leaving behind Mikey and Jake like you did, to watch over me and Jordy. Thanks for bringing Lucy into my life so I have a sister again. Thanks for bringing Jewels into my life so I have someone to tell me everything will be alright. Its like you knew that once you left us, me and Jordy would only have each other and our parents would cop out on us. Thanks for living the life you did, and not being afraid to go be with Jayson and Jacilynn, waiting for the day we can all be together again.

Tap tap tap

Love you brae

Family: The Life We Live Is The Death We Die

We live.  We die.  We live forever.  Those three sentences make life sound so simple, so why does life sometimes feel so hard?  While all of us are walking our own journeys on earth, I believe when we reach the Promise Land our journeys will all be the same, in a unique manner.  Just as Gracie and I talked about what job God will give us when we get to His House, I believe everyone who transitions from the human form to a spirit form will have a different function in their eternal life beyond their breath of life on earth.

We live.  We are born into a world that is uncertain as to what our fate is on earth.  I cannot even attest to the possibility that we are all born in good intentions.  The only thing for certain is that we are born into a fight for survival no matter what privileges or lack thereof we are provided.  Even though the majority of us know death is certain to follow life, not many of us prepare ourselves for any form of life after death.

We die.  If you are born, you are certain to die.  That is a certain not many of us even attempt to argue.  The minute we are given life is the moment we begin to die.  We tend not to think in those terms as we continue to live our lives on earth. We do not plan for our deaths outside of what material and financial possession we own and what we will do with them once we are no longer around to enjoy them.  We fail to think about and plan what will happen to us beyond our last breath of life on earth.

 We live forever.  Eternity is a long time.  Ask anyone who has waited for test results of any means.  That educational test score that will determine your position in college for a more stable future.  That medical test result that will determine your next move in securing a healthy life. That long wait in life to find and be with the love of your life forever.  The long awaited anguish of a work negotiation that will make or break our current success. We all use the term eternity as if there is no end in sight for the things we want or need to continue to live our life to the fullest. 

I can not tell you how many people in my life have "waited forever" or said "it's taking an eternity to find out".  In the scheme of things everything I have ever waited an eternity for is nothing compared to the eternal life I will live once I take my final breath on earth.  It is funny to me to hear people talk about "living life to its fullest" as if once their life is gone, there is nothing to follow it. I often wonder 'if you can speak about eternity for personal gain in your life, how can you not believe in life after death?"  After all eternity is forever right? So keeping your mind closed to there being eternal life after you die you really are just cheating yourself out of preparing to walk with angels and be a guide to those whose life on earth is still in existence.

I'm not really sure what those that do not believe in eternal life thinks about what happens to you when you die.  Perhaps they do not believe in anything, that just as you were born, you die and that is the end of life.  Born on the earth, left on the earth.  Maybe some believe that based on the life you live you either ascend above and sit in heaven with God forever or you descend below and sit in damnation with the devil.  Just as there are some who believe in a higher power there are others that do not.   I wish I could tell you what makes some people believe and others not believe but it is a mystery that may never reveal its answer.

I was not raised with religion although my mother and I used to stop and rest at a church along Morningside Ave in Sioux City IA when we walked from our Bushnell house to the public library at least once a week but often two or three times.  I could not tell you even today what denomination that church was or even if it still exists today but I will always remember the beauty of the interior, the peace I felt sitting outside that church, and the wonder of whose house we were resting at.

I knew of God and I knew that He was the One who people counted on to bring them through hard times.  I never questioned His existence,   I just never had the inclination to find out more about Him.  When I started to wonder more about God and who He was and how He fit into my life was when my brother Joey was terminally ill with lung cancer.  In Joeys final days he came to live with us in the Bushnell house where he slowly faded from our lives.  Our mother tried to keep him comfortable and keep him fed as he laid day after day in the bed he grew up in.  Our 'dad' paid very little attention to Joey and often criticized our mother for the amount of time she spent with him that took her from keeping an orderly house and giving her time to care for our 'dads' needs.

Joey had very few visitors while he was with us at the Bushnell house, mostly because our 'dad' was an SOB with no heart that Joey's friends feared.  His two faithful friends were Mikey and Jake (who is my care giver now and I call my dad).  It was hard for Mikey to sit with Joey because it made him very sad and he could not keep his emotions in check. He would visit often but the time they spent together was void of memories of the good times and was focused only on the now.  Jake came by on and off and usually would sneak Joey a beer.  I always thought that was cool and I always thought that was a cure for Joey because it always made him smile the whole time they sat and driank a beer together talking about the things that lead them to a lifetime friendship.

The time I spent with Joey was limited because of our 'dad' chasing me away from spending time with Joey.  Sometimes Joey would get up and open his window so later that night I could sneak in and lay with him even though we never spoke a word.  Then I would get caught and be punished for disobeying our 'dad'.  I didn't care though, the time I got with Joey was worth every punch I took.  Even when our 'dad' would tell me "you never learn your lesson" I would be glad to take another punch while thinking to myself  'no, it is you who never learns any lessons'.  I was a rather chubby kid and climbing in that window at night was always a task and I often wished Joey was strong enough to pull me through it.  But again, with out the pain there would be no gain and I wanted to spend time with Joey before life took him from me.

Another regular visitor to Joey was the friend I call my A.OJ.  (Aunt Jewels).  In all honestly she was the one unexpected person to enter my life that has made the hugest impact on my belief in God than any other one individual will ever make.  She used to come over often to sit with Joey and visit him just to keep him company.  She never let our 'dad' deter her away from spending time with Joey as most of his other friends had.  Maybe it was because of her age and he didn't think he could intimidate her.  I remember one visit where I was in Joey's room and she came and Joey asked her about God.  He wanted to know if she thought God would forgive him for his wild days and allow him to go to heaven.  I don't remember her answer but from that day on when A.OJ came to visit Joey they spent their time reading the bible together.  I would sit outside his door and listen to them read and pray and try to figure out what life after death for Joey would be like.  That is the first time I heard of eternal life but not the last time I would think about it.

The thought of eternal life to me sounded like a great idea.  My imagination ran wild with the thought of someday being back together with those I already lost in my life.  Jacelyn, my three year old sister and Jayson, my twenty-four year old brother.  I would see them again and after realizing this I never doubted life after death again.  As each person in my life has passed since this revelation in my soul my faith has only grown stronger.  Eternal life would someday be mine and I would be with everyone I missed again.  Those thoughts never ease the pain or sadness of those I miss, but they make me be a better me.  I live closer to the Word of God more and more each day.  I am not perfect and as A.OJ would tell my dad again and again, "Jett is a good kid, but he is kid, and he is a boy.  He will make mistakes, and your job is to make sure he has the tools to find his way again."  (She has saved me many times from the wrath of the man who is now my dad.) 

I was fourteen under the care of my 21 year old brother, 1500 miles from the Bushnell house when I found God through a small neighborhood church that turned out to be a catholic church.  They accepted me into their place of worship and helped me complete the sacraments I needed to prepare myself for eternal life at the hands of God.  I received the sacraments of Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, and Confirmation.  I serve as an Alter Server at Mass, I am a Lecture assigned to read the readings of the Old Testaments, and I am currently taking classes to be a Minister of Communion to home bound members of that church who are determined to keep their faith strong in times of weakness and illness. 

I do not ever remember not believing in God and the eternal life he will provide me one day.  I do remember the day it was introduced to me by eavesdropping on a conversation between a friend of my brother and his dying pleas for acceptance into God's world.  I believe the life I lived prior to the age of 14 and being chased from my childhood home and landing a days drive from the mid west to the east coast was to prepare me to be a better Christian.  I believe if you are in my life there is a reason for you to be.  Whether it is for me to gain from having you in my life or for you to gain from having me in your life, our paths crossed for a reason.  Each person I meet, face to face or social media to social media, has many things to offer me through faith and humanity.  I respect your beliefs even if they do not match mine.  At night when I lay my hand on my bedside bible the prayer I say if for everyone I meet.  Those that are close and those that are far away.  Those that walk the same path as I do and those that walk a different path.  Those that believe in God and those that carry doubts of a higher power guiding them.

Sure as our hearts beat our time on earth ticks away.  Like an hour glass with its sand to determine the hands of time, as one half empties the other half becomes full.  As life on earth slowly leaves us, our life of eternity gains momentum.  Everlasting life will be ours and eternity will last beyond a life time, beyond a breath of life on earth we will someday breath the air in Heaven sitting in the House of God.

Eternal Life will be worth all the suffering and pain we endure on earth.  Just as no one can escape death, no one can escape eternal life.  See you on the other side my friends, until then, just be kind to one another and let others be who they are and judge not least ye be judged.  

In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
(John 14:2,3)

Faith: What Do You Believe In?

 The Apostle's Creed

1. I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:
2. And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:
3. Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:
4. Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, died and buried: He descended into hell:
5. The third day he rose again from the dead:
6. He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:
7. From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:
8. I believe in the Holy Ghost:
9. I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:
10. The forgiveness of sins:
1l. The resurrection of the body:
12. And the life everlasting. Amen.

There are lots of things I believe in life that you may disagree with.  There are lots of issues, politically and religious, that have opposing sides, each standing strong in their convictions.  The world is full of choices and we have the right to choose a side, or simply stand alone, if we so choose.

When I say the prayer of the Apostle's (The Apostle's Creed) I think about how strongly I believe in not just the 12th line which speaks of everlasting (eternal) life but all 11 lines before that one.

I BELIEVE IN GOD THE FATHER, ALMIGHTY, MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH.
I do believe that my higher power resides in the heavens above and that it was in fact God that created earth and all living things which lives on earth with me.  Although I believe the earth to be round and spinning us along as we journey on it, I do not condemn those that believe the earth is flat and carries us step by step towards everlasting life once we take our last breath on the earth created by Him.

AND IN JESUS CHRIST, HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, OUR LORD.
I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God and it is through him and his love for us that will allow us to forge on to eternal life.  Even in recent days where the marital status of Jesus Christ is being questioned, I falter not on my belief that my sins on earth will be evaluated in purgatory and forgiven as I walk into my eternal life in Heaven.  I do not believe that as a married man Jesus Christ's impact on our future walk with his Father will hold any less value as it would as a single man.

WHO WAS CONCEIVED BY THE HOLY GHOST, BORN OF THE VIRGIN MARY.
The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost.  The Holy Trinity which defines God as three divine persons.  It would be hard to believe in one and not the others.  As declared by the Fourth Lateran Council, it is the Father who generates, the Son who is begotten, and the Holy Ghost who proceeds.  One God, three persons, all divine with different roles in our journey back to where it all began.

SUFFERED UNDER PONTIUS PILATE; WAS CRUCIFIED, DIED AND BURIED: HE DESCENDED INTO HELL:
I believe Jesus was crucified and in death he was buried and for three days he spent time in the damnation of hell so that when our last breath is taken we will not descend, but our spirit and our soul will rise to purgatory to sit in solemn silence as we reflect on how we chose to live on earth amongst our brothers and sisters. 

THE THIRD DAY HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD
I believe that on the third day when Jesus rose from his death and the days he spent in hell was to teach us that as we live on God's earth and journey from here to His Promise Land we should never forgot that the life we live amongst each other should be one of kindness and forgiveness and that we should not judge each other because in the end God will judge us, and only he has that right.

HE ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN, AND SITS AT THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD THE FATHER ALMIGHTY.
I believe that Jesus Christ ascended into Heaven.  I believe that Hell was Jesus' purgatory and he went straight to God's House and sits at the right hand of God, a place of honor.  With great dignity and respect it showed us how Jesus Christ was placed next to God in ruler ship of our transition from earth to Heaven.  I believe that because of Jesus' unselfish way of spending three days in hell it has prevented us from having to suffer that demise and allows us to rest in purgatory to show sorrow for our sins on earth.

FROM THENCE HE SHALL COME TO JUDGE THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.
I believe that Jesus Christ sits at the right hand of his Father in judgement of the living and the dead.  I do not believe we should fear this judgement as all sins will be forgiven.  I believe that although we will be forgiven for the wrongs we have done, it is in purgatory where we will be expected to show our sorrow and our desire to not only be forgiven but to forgive ourselves as we realize our selfishness on earth and failure to live by the Word of God.

I BELIEVE IN THE HOLY GHOST.
I believe in the third person of God and its divine contribution to the Trinity.  I believe it is the Holy Ghost who reveals the truths of the Gospel as written.  I believe the Holy Ghost cleanses us of our sins once we have proven our true sorrow. I believe it is the Holy Ghost who enters our hearts, our minds and our souls as we struggle to do all that is right and be the kind of follower of God He wants us to be.  I believe it is the spirit of the Holy Ghost which allows us to enjoy the peace we crave in trouble times in a troubled world.

I BELIEVE IN THE HOLY CATHOLIC CHURCH: THE COMMUNION OF SAINTS.
Communion of Saints is the church.  All things good from all good people is the makeup of a church.  Jesus sits at the head of the table and the Saints of the Bible sit with him.  The congregation also makes up the communion of Saints and joins them in their feast, listening to the teachings of our Lord and spreading the word of the Gospel.  I believe the church helps me obtain a peace and a calm that I could not reach without God in my life.

THE FORGIVENESS OF SINS.
I believe our sins are forgiven as long as we learn a lesson and do not repeat the mistakes we have made.  I believe it is OK to ask God for forgiveness when we fall off the path He has sat in front of us.  I believe we are expected to forgive the sins of others and not judge others for the mistakes they make. 

THE RESURRECTION OF THE BODY.
While this is open to many interputations my personal belief is that the body does not resurrection but the soul does.  I believe that Jesus Christ will someday once again appear on earth in a second coming to make all right with the world once again.  I believe that those whose souls are resurrected aredone through another form of life.  I believe the spirits flow down from Heaven and fly amongst us and we can feel them around us, but we cannot see them.

AND THE LIFE EVER AFTER ...

Eternal Life:  I believe we live forever even after we take our last breath of life on earth. I believe God loves us all equally and we are all given the opportunity to sit in his Garden and reflect on the life we chose to live on earth.  Believers and non-believers alike will be given the chance to renew their faith in the Creator of the world and His teachings from the many different faiths and the bibles they teach from.  All will be awarded the gift of looking back on the journey they have taken on borrowed time in a world loaned to them by a Higher Power whose Promise Land is an eternity of happiness, peace and love.

An open mind and a loving heart is the bridge between the earth we walk on today and the Heavens we believe will provide us with life after death. 

Family: A Child's Love For Their Mother Never Fades

To the most beautiful mother in heaven,

I hope I am making you proud as I work my way on my earth's journey to join you and my siblings in heaven some day.  I had a dream about you last night that left me with a heavy heartache today, missing you more then ever.  In my dream I was taken back to the day we had to let you go.  It is a day that haunts my mind often and a day I always wonder if I should wish I could go back to.  It is hard not knowing if we made the right decision to take you off the machines and let you decide if you were strong enough to live, or if you were ready to let go.

It brings back the entire grieving process I began on that day and I continue to mourn your death as life takes new turns today.  I do not ever remember being so angry at anyone in my life thus far as I was with you when we found out you decided you were ready to go home to God.  I always thought how odd it was that my anger was not directed towards God but I directed it towards you.  It was one of the most selfish acts I can remember having in my life.  I hope you now realize that it was not anger I was directing towards you, it was fear.  Fear of traveling through life on earth without the person who always accepted me for who I was, and being proud of me no matter what I did.  Fear of no one else being able to accept me completely with flaws and all.  Fear of one more person leaving me on a path in life that never seems safe, never seems secure.  It left me wondering when the next person impacting my life in such a positive way would leave next, and who would that be.  I still hold that fear today.

We were best friends after Jacelyn died.  I know what a reach it was for you to give me the things you could.  I know how hard you tried to compensate me for the ugliness my 'dad" brought into my life.  The hours we spent together before he came home from work were filled with love and fun.  I hope I did a great job then of expressing to you how much I appreciated all you gave me.  From the ages of 7 to 14 you provided enough of the things I needed in life that helped me become who I am today.
 
I never blamed you for the icky's he provided to us in our life together.  I always felt you tried the best you could to make the days as bright as you could, knowing the darkness of night would cast shadows on me that would never go away as the sun set for the rest of the days of my life. Until the day you left your journey on earth and I knew I would be once again mourning the loss of a family member who was also my friend.  I remember thinking that you probably were just taking the easy way out of life.  That if you let yourself go I would be so preoccupied with missing you I would be less frustrated with you for the life you lived and the life you were living.  I do hope you can see in my heart from heaven how much I would love having you back in my life the way it used to be, even if it meant reliving the life we did in the Bushnell home.  I miss you that much Mom.

I never resented having to help you make decisions in your life when you could no longer think on your own.  It hurt me to watch your mind give way to how you thought and how you acted.  It was hard to watch you not be able to make the simple decisions as to what to order when we went out to eat, or what to wear one day from the next.  It was frustrating to me that you could help Jordy and I be so organized and clean, yet you could not think with your own mind enough to even remember to feed yourself.  But I never resented helping you take care of yourself.  I knew the alternative was a much worse scenario then what we had.

You were a great Mom and you did a great job of making sure the things we needed in life were met to the best of your abilities.  I never judged you for the mistakes he made or the things he did to us.  I always knew it was ten times worse for you then it was for us.  I never questioned how you could let me leave your life when I was 14 and as hard as it was for me to move 24 hours away I always knew you did it so I would survive the abuse inflicted on me and have a better chance of a long journey on earth.  I know my dreams can now come true because you let me go.  I am still working on the day I realize my dreams will come true, even though I let you go. 

I will never let go of you Mom, but someday maybe I can let go guilt I hold of the day we had to decided to let you go from earth.  I know you are in heaven looking down on us, me, Jordy, Mikey, Jake, and the misfit family we put together.   I know lots of things, but the one thing I really wish I could 'feel' from you is that you know I love you, and I miss you, and I am sorry for the times I made life difficult for you.

We didn't have many of the things we wanted in our Bushnell life, and we probably can admit at this stage in our lives that we often went without the needs as well.  But we always had your love Mom, and we will always have the memories of the fun times we embraced around the  life that we had.  If I ever failed to let you know how much I appreciate all you did, and all you went through, to make our lives better I sure hope you can reach inside the widow of my heart and find how it now.

If the only way I can visit you is in my dreams through the pain of the memories of the day we decided to let you go and see if you stayed or left I will take that.  I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.  It's as if a part of me dies each time I think about the day your beautiful spirit left earth. 

I hope you are proud of me Mom and I hope I am living the life of someone who once his journey ends on earth, gets to spend it in eternity next to you. 

Hugs and Love, from my heart to yours,

Jett

Gracies Love Story

 This is the story of a little girl whose own Love Story would never be found so she adopted the Love Story of her mommy and daddy.  I remember this conversation with Gracie as if it happened an hour ago.  I miss this this little girl so much and I am happy to have her as an angel above me.

Gracie:  My daddy saw my mommy and in his heart he knew he had to find a way to marry her.  The first time he saw her his heart told him so.  The first time he kissed her, her eyes told him so.  The day he married her he told her if she ever stopped loving him his heart would stop beating all together.  Everyday before they were married they never went to sleep before they told each other they loved each other.  When my daddy asked her to marry him he said to her 'You are such a beautiful princess.  Would you like to marry this toad and turn him into a prince?"  My mommy said 'ribbit' which is toad for yes.  They are living happily ever after and their love will never die.

We grow up. We fall in love.  We build a life together and slowly we build upon that love and nurture it and enjoy the things that make it grow.  Then things happen that make our hearts ache and we search and search for an answer in how we can get that love back.  That love, in fact, has never lessened.  We let things clog up our hearts and cloud up our sight into the love we have inside of us.  It makes us feel like what we felt back then was not what we thought it was.  Whether as a couple you are struggling to find that lost love, or someone who due to the death of a love one may be afraid to love again, there is somewhere you can go to figure out how to repair the ache you feel inside your heart.

The memories made and planted deep inside us will bring to light the past we miss.  It's usually the last place we visit in our struggles in life but the first place we should.  Memories, good and bad, are what helps us make our future decisions.  They also shed light on how we got to where we are today.  They help us remember why we chose the paths we did.  Often times they can help us get back on that path by reminding us what we have to lose that we swore we could not live without.

One of the early conversations I had with my little angel Gracie was how her parents met.  Her story was cute and charming and in an eight year old girls eyes was what fairy tales are made of.  I also visited with her parents, Bill and Annie, to get a better picture of how Gracie's life came to be.  I came to the conclusion that although Gracie's story was close to how her parents became a couple, it really was a love story that represented closely the story told by Gracie.

Bill:  I first met Annie on her seventeenth birthday.  My family happened to be at the same restaurant her family was at celebrating her birthday.  The moment I saw her my heart not only skipped a beat, it picked up a rhythm of its own that told me there was something special about this girl.  I turned to my brother Bobby and made the statement, "I am going to marry that girl someday."   Bobby laughed it off as he said,  "You're only seventeen, you've never went out with a girl more then once."   I asked the hostess to seat our party of four near where her family was sitting which contained a party of eight.

Annie:  I was with my parents, my sister, and both sets of my grandparents, celebrating my seventeenth birthday.  To be honest with you, I never noticed who was sitting at the tables around us, I was just enjoying the time with my family.  I first noticed Billy when the staff appeared at our table with a birthday cake with a single candle on it and begun to sing happy birthday to me.  There were probably six waiters standing around all in uniform, then there was this guy standing with them in a Red Sox Tee-Shirt and a faded pair of blue jeans.  It was like a photo captioned 'one of these items is out of place'.

Bill:  I saw the staff moving towards Annie's table and decided I would stand up with them and sing happy birthday to her.  I did not think she had noticed me before and I was sure this would capture her attention.  When the song was over and the staff walked away I was left standing at their table.  I wished the birthday girl happy birthday and introduced myself.  Before I went back to my table and took my seat I looked at Annie and all her beauty and said, "I just wanted to express to you how happy I hope your life is when you marry the man who will love you for the rest of your life".

Annie:  I remember my sister poking fun at Billy when he walked away from our table after wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he hoped my life was happy when I met the love of my life.  I felt my face turn red when he spoke to me and I remember my father asking me "do you know that boy?"  I also remember thinking 'no, I do not know that boy but I sure would like to see what he is all about'.  It was difficult to engage myself into more family conversation after Billy introduced himself to me.  I was so disappointed that I had already made my wish when I blew out my candle.  My wish was that my gift from my grandparents would be a shiny new car, like the one the four of them bought my sister on her seventeenth birthday two years ago.  I wanted that wish back, because more than a car, I wanted that boy to find a way to find me once I left that restaurant.

Bill:  I was anxious as I sat there waiting for her party to leave, unsure of how I could make sure this was not over before it had a chance to start.  As they walked by our table I noticed Annie and her sister dragging slowly behind the six adults they had arrived with.  As she passed she stopped briefly to thank me for the birthday wishes.  I grabbed a pen and took her hand.  Palm side up I wrote my cell number in the middle of her palm.  I told her, "call me when you can't stop me from lingering in your mind". 

Annie: I about fated when he grabbed my hand and wrote his number in my palm.  I closed that palm tight as I walked away from him smiling as if it might slip out of my grip, even though it was written on the skin itself. My sister, Jennifer, teased me the entire way home about the boy who flirted with me that night.  My father was a bit disturbed about the boldness of that young man who dared to interrupt our family dinner.  My mom saw the spark in my eyes and told my father she thought he was a very nice polite young man.  I just thought he was cute and he was paying attention to me and he was lingering on my mind.

Bill:  I never expected for Annie to actually call me, although she was on my mind the rest of the entire evening.  Why I did not think to ask her for her number was something I felt I would regret the rest of my life.  The girl that made my heart skip a beat when I first laid eyes on her, made it miss a beat when she walked out that door.

Annie:  I did text Billy that night, telling him, "You are still lingering on my mind.  Annie." 

Bill:  We met on Annie's seventeenth birthday and on her eighteenth birthday we were married.  June 1, 2002.  I married the girl that first made my heart skip a beat and she's been making it skip since that first time I laid my eyes on her.

Annie:  Billy has always told me that the day he first saw me his heart started a rhythm that beat to the tune of every love song ever written.  I can truthfully say that my heart beats stronger everyday we have each other.  I cannot imagine a life without the man who will love me for the rest of my life.

Bill and Annie:  I am just a kid who believes in one love, one marriage.  I haven't been through what you have been through in the tragedy of losing your beautiful eight year old daughter on May 27th of this year.  I can only imagine the difficulty in being such a young couple with a lot of life ahead of them, trying to figure out how to move forward in your grief.   I can attest to the pain of losing a loved one that you never expected would never be with you until the end of your time on earth.  I know that pain never leaves and the search continues on for ways to find relief from that pain, if even for a moment.  I would encourage you to hold onto your faith and trust that God has a plan that will be much greater then the pain.  Never let go of the memories that are the foundation of what you mean to each other.  You will get through this and you will come out stronger in your love for one another.  We cannot turn back the hands of time and we cannot push those hands of time any faster than the beat of our hearts.  We can, however, utilize the time we are in to rebuild our trust in God, our trust in each other, and our trust in ourselves.  

Gracie: Don't worry my little angel in heaven, we got this.  Spread those tiny wings and blow your angel dust upon us.  Love and miss you Gracie!