We have a routine, Grace and I, when I visit her weekly. I pondered straying from that routine so I wouldn’t lose nerve to ask Grace the question I needed to ask, so I could relax and be done with it. As I walked into greet my little friend, I thought it best to stick with our routine and not stray from the known. We always had our fun visit time first, before we ended with our interview. I suppose it worked out well that way because we both were relaxed and comfortable as we got down to the agenda of writing more Grace’s short time here on earth.
Today she looked well rested. I noticed immediately the absence of the usual hat Grace wore. I’ve rarely seen her without some sort of hat on her head. Without one was yet one more reminder of the things she has gone through thus far in her journey in life. I struggle with this today, as I see this beautiful bald little eight year old. It does not make me question my faith at all, but it leaves me questioning my maker about the reasoning behind this horrible hurdle in our lives we call cancer.
Grace notices this in me and is quick to remind me that our time together is for smiles and laughter, not sorrow and pain. “Don’t think about it Jett, it was just hair. It’s much easier to be bald than it is to have to take care of it everyday.” Suddenly the only thing I noticed about Grace from the neck up is that big beautiful smile.
We chat a bit about what has been going on in our worlds since the last visit. Grace fills me in on her daily routine in life. She is eager to hear what I have had going on the past few days. Full of questions about the life of a 19 year old college student. It’s as if Grace is trying to absorb as much as she can about the life I live that she will not ever get to experience. It isn’t long before I realize she has turned this visit into the story of me, verses the story of her. Makes me shake my head. I tell her that perhaps in heaven she can get a part time job as a reporter, or a journalist, to go along with the job she will apply for as Angel Guide when she gets to heaven. “There’s no news in heaven Jett.” she says rolling her eyes. “You already know everything so you do not have to read about it. There’s no need to announce births, even though there are babies in heaven. The grandmother’s take care of them. There’s no announcements when people die. They are already, well, dead.” I stand corrected, again, as she out smarts me.
I have to know. I have to ask the question that I probably already know the answer to. There is no stopping me.
“Gracie”, I ask, “Do you ever get tired of the fight? Do you ever think about just giving in? Do you ever feel like it’s time?”
“It’s not a fight Jett., it’s a journey. If I think of it as a fight, its hard, because I know I will not win. I trust my parents that they are truthful to me about what the doctors say. This is my journey in life. It is what God wants from me. I am the lucky one you see, because I get to know when it ends. Most people never get to know how close they are to the end, until the end gets here. There are lots of people who do not get to be OK with their hearts before their journey ends.”
Silence
“Jett?” Grace asks. “Do you ever think about giving up on your journey?”
Silence
“Jett?” She asks. “I want you to answer me, truthfully.”
“Yes Grace I do think about it sometimes. I get angry. I get sad. Sometimes my heart hurts real bad. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I want answers on why things happen. Sometimes I want to go away and see if starting over gets any better. So yes, there are times when I would like to give up.”
“Well that is just stupid and it makes me mad that you think your journey should be any easier than anyone else‘s. Sometimes you have to think about the happy things in your life and put the sad things away. God knows where he wants all of us and he puts us where we are supposed to be.”
Silence
I look at Grace, laying in her bed, and for the first time ever I see anger in her eyes. I feel compiled to apologize to her for not being strong enough to accept the path I am on. I didn’t intent to make her mad, I tell her. But she did ask me to be truthful. I tell her how much I admire her faith in God and her strength in accepting the ground he has laid in front of her. I tell her that it amazes me that such a young person can hold so much more faith in God than someone my age. She smiles at me. I smile back. And I lay next to my little angel and we hold hands, and there are no words spoken. I feel her squeeze my hand with her tiny hand, remembering her words in a prior visit regarding how neither one of our hands will ever grow any bigger. I squeeze her little hand back, and I hesitate to let go, because I don’t ever want to forget how that felt, to lay side by side, with an angel, for fear of never getting this moment again.
Our visit and interview comes to an end when the nurse arrives to administer another treatment. I kiss Grace on the top of her head. She tells me she will call me on Friday to make plans to come and visit me at my house on Saturday. She touches my face. “Jett, if I can shave my head, the least you can shave is your face.” I give her a super huge major eye roll. “Ok Gracie, I can do that.” After all, she could of told me I had to play Barbie dolls with her again next week.
“Keep working on your journey Gracie”
“Quit fighting yours Jett”
I just walked away a little more wiser. I’m getting used to that concept. I will miss it when I no longer have it.
Today she looked well rested. I noticed immediately the absence of the usual hat Grace wore. I’ve rarely seen her without some sort of hat on her head. Without one was yet one more reminder of the things she has gone through thus far in her journey in life. I struggle with this today, as I see this beautiful bald little eight year old. It does not make me question my faith at all, but it leaves me questioning my maker about the reasoning behind this horrible hurdle in our lives we call cancer.
Grace notices this in me and is quick to remind me that our time together is for smiles and laughter, not sorrow and pain. “Don’t think about it Jett, it was just hair. It’s much easier to be bald than it is to have to take care of it everyday.” Suddenly the only thing I noticed about Grace from the neck up is that big beautiful smile.
We chat a bit about what has been going on in our worlds since the last visit. Grace fills me in on her daily routine in life. She is eager to hear what I have had going on the past few days. Full of questions about the life of a 19 year old college student. It’s as if Grace is trying to absorb as much as she can about the life I live that she will not ever get to experience. It isn’t long before I realize she has turned this visit into the story of me, verses the story of her. Makes me shake my head. I tell her that perhaps in heaven she can get a part time job as a reporter, or a journalist, to go along with the job she will apply for as Angel Guide when she gets to heaven. “There’s no news in heaven Jett.” she says rolling her eyes. “You already know everything so you do not have to read about it. There’s no need to announce births, even though there are babies in heaven. The grandmother’s take care of them. There’s no announcements when people die. They are already, well, dead.” I stand corrected, again, as she out smarts me.
I have to know. I have to ask the question that I probably already know the answer to. There is no stopping me.
“Gracie”, I ask, “Do you ever get tired of the fight? Do you ever think about just giving in? Do you ever feel like it’s time?”
“It’s not a fight Jett., it’s a journey. If I think of it as a fight, its hard, because I know I will not win. I trust my parents that they are truthful to me about what the doctors say. This is my journey in life. It is what God wants from me. I am the lucky one you see, because I get to know when it ends. Most people never get to know how close they are to the end, until the end gets here. There are lots of people who do not get to be OK with their hearts before their journey ends.”
Silence
“Jett?” Grace asks. “Do you ever think about giving up on your journey?”
Silence
“Jett?” She asks. “I want you to answer me, truthfully.”
“Yes Grace I do think about it sometimes. I get angry. I get sad. Sometimes my heart hurts real bad. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I want answers on why things happen. Sometimes I want to go away and see if starting over gets any better. So yes, there are times when I would like to give up.”
“Well that is just stupid and it makes me mad that you think your journey should be any easier than anyone else‘s. Sometimes you have to think about the happy things in your life and put the sad things away. God knows where he wants all of us and he puts us where we are supposed to be.”
Silence
I look at Grace, laying in her bed, and for the first time ever I see anger in her eyes. I feel compiled to apologize to her for not being strong enough to accept the path I am on. I didn’t intent to make her mad, I tell her. But she did ask me to be truthful. I tell her how much I admire her faith in God and her strength in accepting the ground he has laid in front of her. I tell her that it amazes me that such a young person can hold so much more faith in God than someone my age. She smiles at me. I smile back. And I lay next to my little angel and we hold hands, and there are no words spoken. I feel her squeeze my hand with her tiny hand, remembering her words in a prior visit regarding how neither one of our hands will ever grow any bigger. I squeeze her little hand back, and I hesitate to let go, because I don’t ever want to forget how that felt, to lay side by side, with an angel, for fear of never getting this moment again.
Our visit and interview comes to an end when the nurse arrives to administer another treatment. I kiss Grace on the top of her head. She tells me she will call me on Friday to make plans to come and visit me at my house on Saturday. She touches my face. “Jett, if I can shave my head, the least you can shave is your face.” I give her a super huge major eye roll. “Ok Gracie, I can do that.” After all, she could of told me I had to play Barbie dolls with her again next week.
“Keep working on your journey Gracie”
“Quit fighting yours Jett”
I just walked away a little more wiser. I’m getting used to that concept. I will miss it when I no longer have it.
