Grace had lots of questions for me on the ride over to the school, most of them relating to the kids I taught. She was sure they were smarter than her because she stopped going to school last July. She stated how she was disappointed that her Auntie did not continue teaching her things kids her age knew. I tried to comfort her worried little mind, telling her that today we were making Mother's Day cards, and she should not cut herself short on the brain power. I told her she was one of the most mature eight year old kids I knew, and I knew a lot of them. "I hope they like me Jett, even if it is just for this one day." I looked at my little angel and rolled my eyes, "How could anyone possibly not like you Grace? You are more fun than a barrel of monkeys." It was her turn to roll those sparkly green eyes of hers, "Seriously Dude? A barrel of monkeys?" I reminded her that today she had to refer to me as Mr. Pauling, or Sir, and she should not mention to Katie in 4th grade that I am her boyfriend, because Katie thinks she is going to marry me some day. "Well", Grace said with a smirk on her face, "she can have you. AND, I am not calling you Sir."
We arrived at the grade school about 30 minutes early, which was the plan. Today the 6th grade students were graduating from this school, as next year they would be entering into the jr high school. There was a small assembly the school was holding in the auditorium for this occasion. The students were already sitting in their seats when we arrived. Derick, my most challenging 3rd grader, stood up when he saw us, directing us to the empty chairs next to him. The assembly started and the graduates were walking across the stage to receive their diploma's. I explained to Grace the reason behind the ceremony and what the rolled up papers symbolized. "Oh", she said, "they are ending a chapter in their story and moving on to the next chapter in their journey." It never seemed to amaze me how she understood exactly what I was explaining to her. I should give her more credit, because since the first day we met she was always able to let me know she understood by relating it to 'a journey'.
Grace watched with great excitement for the students as they one by one walked across the stage. After the last student had been presented with their diploma, the principal addressed the student body. I watched Grace as she listened closely to the nice things that were being said about the graduating class. The principal then announced there was a special guest with us today. I smiled as I watched Grace, along with the other kids, look around that auditorium for the 'special guest' in attendance. After a brief introduction, the principal looked directly at the seats full of 3rd grade students, then at me, and then she fixed her stare on Grace. "Amazing Grace, would you please join me on stage?"
Grace froze in her seat. She looked over and up at me with a look on her face that clearly was saying 'me?' I told her, "It's you Grace, you are Amazing Grace. You are the special guest today. Go ahead and go up on stage." She did not budge and I could see her hesitation and fear of what was going on right now. I told her, "It's OK Grace, you can go up." Grace grabbed my hand, for comfort I am guessing, and remained seated in her chair. What seemed like minutes, was merely seconds. I told Grace, "Do not be afraid, today you will cross off graduating from your list." She scooted up towards the front of her chair, still hesitating to participate in the unknown. In my mind I was thinking about the little angel who is not afraid to die and venture into the unknown, but now that all eyes were on her, she could not find it in her to move forward, and be honored.
Just as I was about to stand up and walk to the stage with Grace, two of the sixth graders that had just graduated stood up from the stage and came down to Grace. Each of them, one boy and one girl, took one of Grace's hands. Telling her it was OK, they would go with her. I watched as my little friend in her cowgirl jeans, plaid shirt, pink kicks and pink knit lid, climbed those five steps. She was looking back at me and when she caught my eyes she mouthed the words, 'do not cry for me'.
I felt the principal did an excellent job of welcoming Grace to her school and announcing her 'student of the day'. Grace was now standing proud, smiling huge, and beaming with happiness. It is not very often that I have seen Grace cry, or even show much more of an emotion other than the few times she had gotten angry with me. However as soon as the principal presented Grace with an honorary diploma recognizing her courage and determination in leaving this world a better place for so many others, and the student body stood and applauded her, I thought she would melt her sweet little self from the tears she shed.
I cannot say that every student there was misty eyed from this scene, but I can say with complete certainty a majority of them were, as well as every adult in attendance. To see this beautiful tiny little girl standing there holding her life's diploma, tears rolling down her cheeks, pink kicks and all, was more than a parents heart could bare. I could guess that tonight there would be a lot of hugs given out to a lot of children by some very thankful and grateful parents. I wanted to go give her a huge hug, but what stopped me was the entire sixth grade class surrounding her with congratulations and hugs that seemed to never end. After a few moments Grace came down to rejoin our class. I bent down on my knees as she approached me, ready for a big baby bear hug. She wrapped her tiny arms tight around me as far as she could reach and whispered in my ear, "Katie cannot have you as her boyfriend, EVER." And just like that she turned this tender little moment into a memory I will carry with me forever.
We combined the third and fourth grade class for one hour so they could work on their Mothers Day Cards. The fun part of this class for me was sitting on the desk watching the kids interact with each other and helping each other make their cards. I kept reminding myself to keep my emotions in check, do this for Grace, so her day remains as normal as she would like it to be. Grace was fitting in! She was a normal little girl, in an art class, laughing, sharing, making friends. I sit here, writing this blog, without the help of Grace who would clearly downplay this day for what it is.
The tears do not stop tonight as I look back at the events that unfolded last Friday when in the morning I was making a video with this little girl of mine that she would give her parents as a goodbye gift with-in the next three weeks, to an afternoon of watching her interact with other school kids, her age, and living like she was not dying. My heart aches tonight, not only for myself, but for all the lives Grace has touched in the few months that I have known her. The anger is boiling inside of me tonight because I want to keep her. I will never understand how death takes the lives of the innocent, and the good people, and the people who make a positive difference in others lives. I keep reliving this day in my mind, and the words that keep coming back to me make me cry harder. "Do not cry for me."
I find myself asking how much longer I can do this. How many more nights after leaving Gracie for the evening will I toss and turn. Releasing the emotions I try so hard to keep in check when I am with my little angel. Exhaustion is setting in as the days go by. I ask myself how my heart can feel so empty, yet seem so heavy. I think back to the day Joey died and how I was left sitting in that hospital room not knowing what was supposed to happen next. I never let him go. I don't think I ever will. How will I ever be able to let her go? I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will.
When we left school that day, on the ride home to Grace's, she had fallen asleep in the back seat of my truck. I watch her in the rear view mirror as she slept. I noted how peaceful she looked. I thought about the many times I've watched Grace sleep and each time she looked peaceful, well at rest. I found myself singing the Barney song out loud:
We arrived at the grade school about 30 minutes early, which was the plan. Today the 6th grade students were graduating from this school, as next year they would be entering into the jr high school. There was a small assembly the school was holding in the auditorium for this occasion. The students were already sitting in their seats when we arrived. Derick, my most challenging 3rd grader, stood up when he saw us, directing us to the empty chairs next to him. The assembly started and the graduates were walking across the stage to receive their diploma's. I explained to Grace the reason behind the ceremony and what the rolled up papers symbolized. "Oh", she said, "they are ending a chapter in their story and moving on to the next chapter in their journey." It never seemed to amaze me how she understood exactly what I was explaining to her. I should give her more credit, because since the first day we met she was always able to let me know she understood by relating it to 'a journey'.
Grace watched with great excitement for the students as they one by one walked across the stage. After the last student had been presented with their diploma, the principal addressed the student body. I watched Grace as she listened closely to the nice things that were being said about the graduating class. The principal then announced there was a special guest with us today. I smiled as I watched Grace, along with the other kids, look around that auditorium for the 'special guest' in attendance. After a brief introduction, the principal looked directly at the seats full of 3rd grade students, then at me, and then she fixed her stare on Grace. "Amazing Grace, would you please join me on stage?"
Grace froze in her seat. She looked over and up at me with a look on her face that clearly was saying 'me?' I told her, "It's you Grace, you are Amazing Grace. You are the special guest today. Go ahead and go up on stage." She did not budge and I could see her hesitation and fear of what was going on right now. I told her, "It's OK Grace, you can go up." Grace grabbed my hand, for comfort I am guessing, and remained seated in her chair. What seemed like minutes, was merely seconds. I told Grace, "Do not be afraid, today you will cross off graduating from your list." She scooted up towards the front of her chair, still hesitating to participate in the unknown. In my mind I was thinking about the little angel who is not afraid to die and venture into the unknown, but now that all eyes were on her, she could not find it in her to move forward, and be honored.
Just as I was about to stand up and walk to the stage with Grace, two of the sixth graders that had just graduated stood up from the stage and came down to Grace. Each of them, one boy and one girl, took one of Grace's hands. Telling her it was OK, they would go with her. I watched as my little friend in her cowgirl jeans, plaid shirt, pink kicks and pink knit lid, climbed those five steps. She was looking back at me and when she caught my eyes she mouthed the words, 'do not cry for me'.
I felt the principal did an excellent job of welcoming Grace to her school and announcing her 'student of the day'. Grace was now standing proud, smiling huge, and beaming with happiness. It is not very often that I have seen Grace cry, or even show much more of an emotion other than the few times she had gotten angry with me. However as soon as the principal presented Grace with an honorary diploma recognizing her courage and determination in leaving this world a better place for so many others, and the student body stood and applauded her, I thought she would melt her sweet little self from the tears she shed.
I cannot say that every student there was misty eyed from this scene, but I can say with complete certainty a majority of them were, as well as every adult in attendance. To see this beautiful tiny little girl standing there holding her life's diploma, tears rolling down her cheeks, pink kicks and all, was more than a parents heart could bare. I could guess that tonight there would be a lot of hugs given out to a lot of children by some very thankful and grateful parents. I wanted to go give her a huge hug, but what stopped me was the entire sixth grade class surrounding her with congratulations and hugs that seemed to never end. After a few moments Grace came down to rejoin our class. I bent down on my knees as she approached me, ready for a big baby bear hug. She wrapped her tiny arms tight around me as far as she could reach and whispered in my ear, "Katie cannot have you as her boyfriend, EVER." And just like that she turned this tender little moment into a memory I will carry with me forever.
We combined the third and fourth grade class for one hour so they could work on their Mothers Day Cards. The fun part of this class for me was sitting on the desk watching the kids interact with each other and helping each other make their cards. I kept reminding myself to keep my emotions in check, do this for Grace, so her day remains as normal as she would like it to be. Grace was fitting in! She was a normal little girl, in an art class, laughing, sharing, making friends. I sit here, writing this blog, without the help of Grace who would clearly downplay this day for what it is.
The tears do not stop tonight as I look back at the events that unfolded last Friday when in the morning I was making a video with this little girl of mine that she would give her parents as a goodbye gift with-in the next three weeks, to an afternoon of watching her interact with other school kids, her age, and living like she was not dying. My heart aches tonight, not only for myself, but for all the lives Grace has touched in the few months that I have known her. The anger is boiling inside of me tonight because I want to keep her. I will never understand how death takes the lives of the innocent, and the good people, and the people who make a positive difference in others lives. I keep reliving this day in my mind, and the words that keep coming back to me make me cry harder. "Do not cry for me."
I find myself asking how much longer I can do this. How many more nights after leaving Gracie for the evening will I toss and turn. Releasing the emotions I try so hard to keep in check when I am with my little angel. Exhaustion is setting in as the days go by. I ask myself how my heart can feel so empty, yet seem so heavy. I think back to the day Joey died and how I was left sitting in that hospital room not knowing what was supposed to happen next. I never let him go. I don't think I ever will. How will I ever be able to let her go? I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will.
When we left school that day, on the ride home to Grace's, she had fallen asleep in the back seat of my truck. I watch her in the rear view mirror as she slept. I noted how peaceful she looked. I thought about the many times I've watched Grace sleep and each time she looked peaceful, well at rest. I found myself singing the Barney song out loud:
i love you
you love me
we're a happy family
with a great big hug
and a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too.
i love you
you love me
we are friends like friends should be
with a great big hug
and
a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too
It was a short ride home but Grace slept the entire way. When we arrived at her house, I carried Grace in and put her to bed as her mom helped me. I bent over to kiss Grace on the cheek to say goodbye. She opened her eyes. "I love you too Jett." I wondered if my singing out loud on the way home had woke her up and she just wanted me to carry her in her house by pretending to be asleep. It would be just like her, you know. But I opted to think that this is how it would be once Grace has left this earth. I would be with her always, and she would be with me as well.
