I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see.
I sought my God, but my God eluded me.
I sought my brother and I found all three.
I sought my God, but my God eluded me.
I sought my brother and I found all three.
I often get asked how I came to incorporate "Beyond A Breath Of Life" into my blogspot, my blogs, and basically my life. I'm never really prepared to answer that question so I tend to keep my answer simple and brief. Most often my reply is the representation of my belief in eternity and the promise of everlasting life in God's Kingdom after my last breath on earth is taken. That has truth to it, but that is not how I came to know and use the phrase that is slowly becoming a trademark in the blogs I post to this site.
When Joey came to the Bushnell house one day I could tell something was not right with him. I knew he had been feeling sick a couple weeks before and I knew our mom helped him find a doctor he could see to find out what was wrong with him. What I didn't know was that Joey had been back to the doctor for tests several times in the past couple of weeks. After several tests where they looked at his lungs from every angle Joey was diagnosed with lung cancer and this day he stopped by to tell my mom. Joey was already at stage 3 the day he told us he was ill. With-in 2 months of that day he was stage 4. At the time I did not understand anything about cancer, I just knew it was never good news. I had no idea that stage 4 meant cancer had entered both lungs and the fluid outside his lungs and had moved into his liver. Treatment when he was stage 3 did not help and either was the aggressive treatment for stage 4. Joey would die, and at this point all they could do was keep him comfortable for the next projected 6 months that he would live.
My relationship with my brother went from completely active to inactive his final year of life. All that was left for us were the memories of days gone by. No longer would we be able to hang out together outside the Bushnell house. No more carnivals, no more hiking, no more hanging out in the parks. Our life as we knew it had changed dramatically. The first six months of Joey's last year of life was more about his life then his death. When he reached the final six months he would be with us, it became about his death.
It was during this time that I would sit outside Joeys door against the wall and listen to him and his friends talking. Some came by to say goodbye, not really saying it, but I would never see them again. Some came by several times in the next five months, and I would hear Joey tell them goodbye for the last time and ask them to not come back. I suppose so they could remember him from that last visit before he began to struggle for air, or stay awake for longer then a few minutes at a time. His two best friends, Mikey and Jake, came by often. Jake would bring Joey beer, right up until the day he asked to be taken to the hospital, where they would make his last days as comfortable and pain free as possible. Mikey came often, but mostly he just sat next to Joey and cried. Jewels came after work almost daily, to sit with Joey and read to him, often from the Bible. At that time she was the closest thing to God we knew and Joey asked her to bring a Bible and he asked her many questions about God and did she think he would get to go to heaven.
I used to sneak out my bedroom window and into Joey's, just to be with him. It probably seems strange to you that we lived in the same house and yet I had to sneak out one window and into another just to be with him. Our 'dad" would not allow me to be in Joey's room. I don't know why, my mom always let me sit with him during the days, but once our 'dad' got home I was not allowed to visit with Joey. My mom took Joey meals and fluids all day and night long, but never sat with him. Our 'dad' never went into Joey's bedroom, never acknowledge him, never asked anyone how he was doing. I knew that was just odd, but I never pushed that button.
One of the nights I climbed out my window and climbed into Joey's I found him sleeping peacefully to the point he didn't even feel me when I laid down next to him on his bed. I just laid back and tried to match my breathing to his. A slow steady rhythm of air, breathing in, breathing out. It was very calm, very quiet, very relaxing. The time we laid there, breathing the same air, taking the same breathes, exhaling at the same steady pace felt like an eternity to me. I thought to myself, I could lay here forever if Joey did not ever have to die. Joey never talked about death with me, but I had sat against the wall outside his door for so many hours in the last month that I heard plenty about death from a couple of his loyal faithful visitors. He woke up briefly and I told him I loved him. "How much?" he would always ask me. "More then you love beer", I answered. "That's a lot little brother. I love you too", he whispered. "How much?" I asked. "More then mom loves you best", he would answer. "That's a lot big brother", I would tell him. A game we played everyday for at least the last three weeks.
It was not until the next day when Joey asked my mom if she could get him to the hospital that I felt death upon him. It seemed that in just a few short hours, from the time I left his room through his window and climbed back into mine, that Joey looked so different to me. The color of his skin had turned ashen colored and his eyes seemed to have sunken back further then I had remembered them being. I laid on my bed as we waited for my uncle Scotty to come take Joey to the hospital. I stayed calm with my breathing, as I did with Joey the night before. It felt like forever waiting for my uncle to come help get Joey to the hospital so I decided to go see Joey. I sat on his bed next to him, happy to see he was awake. "I love you Joey", I told him as I held his hand in mine. "I love you too Jett", he would answer. "How much?", I asked him. "Beyond A Breath of Life", he said as my uncle Scotty walked in Joey's room. I watched as uncle Scotty helped Joey into his truck to take him to the hospital. I stood at the window of Joey's room and looked out towards the driveway. As they drove off and me and my mom waited for my Aunt Sharon to come take us to the hospital to be with Joey I waved goodbye to Joey. "That's a lot", I whispered as if he could hear my words.
Within forty eight hours of that moment Joey would take his last breath of life surrounded by our parents, Jordy, myself, and his best friend Mikey. I have never forgotten his last statement regarding how much he loved me and at that moment I knew when God called him home, we would both love each other "Beyond A Breath of Life". "That's a lot big brother. That's a lot. "
