Oh the ride home from Carlos' after our discussion about love so strong it turns into hate I thought a lot about my hatred for my birth dad. The father who mentally, physically and sexually abused not only me but my three older brothers and our mother as well. I turned on the radio in my car to try to clear my head of all the memories I wished would disappear forever. I just wanted to forget about the past and focus on all the fun I had today, hanging with my two little buddies and watching them enjoy all that is good in a world that turns hearts cold and love into hate. A song came on that I was not to familiar with although I had heard it before. I switched stations to once again avoid what deep down in my heart I knew to be true. Within minutes of turning the station, the same song came on again.
I remember prior to the age of seven a dad who would laugh with us, play with us, hug us goodnight. Almost as quickly as those memories invade my thought process they turn cold. Once again the memories of the abuse seep back into my brain triggering seven years of fear, sadness, confusion and abuse at the hands of the father that became a stranger to me. The man that loved me for the first seven years and hated me for the next seven years. Memories of days of sunshine that were clouded over by shadows in my nights. When the shadows went away I was left with thoughts of wanting my dad back again. The dad that loved me so much he would never think of hurting me. The dad that loved me so much he would never let anyone hurt me. The dad that hugged me goodnight then turned out my light giving me the feeling of being safe and waking up to the hug of my mom.
I remember thinking on the ride home, hearing this song, how accurately the words repeated the seven years of abuse I was subject to when my dad loved me so much it turned into hate. How all I really wanted in my life was my birth dad to love me like he used to. The many ways I tried to show him how much I loved him in hopes of him showing me how much he loved me. The years that followed where my want for his love, and my love for him, turned to hate for him. How until the day he died, deep down in the depths of my heart, buried under all my love for everyone else in my life, was a little space I kept open for him, in case one day, he decided to love me again. A space only a father could reach and only a father could fill.
The lyric to this song describes a void in my life in a space in my heart I set aside for a love that could never reach it. Until I invited God into my life, who invaded that space and filled it with a love so strong, He was willing to let his son die on a cross to prove to me HE LOVED ME THAT MUCH.
"I Love You This Much"
(Jimmy Wayne) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLFISIdH8g
He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't keep him from wanting
Or worshipping him
He guesses he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt
Standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering daddy
I want you to know
(Jimmy Wayne) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLFISIdH8g
He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't keep him from wanting
Or worshipping him
He guesses he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt
Standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering daddy
I want you to know
(Chorus)
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much
He grew to hate him for what he had done
'cause what kind of father
Could do that to his son?
He said 'damn you daddy'
The day that he died
The man didn't blink
But the little boy cried
[Chorus:]
Half way through the service
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at him
He said
'forgive me father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to know
[Chorus:]
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at him
He said
'forgive me father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to know
[Chorus:]
To my little friend Carlos: When God is in your heart, there is nothing that can turn love into hate. You loved Manny enough to die for him if you could, just as Jesus loved his father enough, and us enough, to die for us so that we may live. When God is in our hearts, we have no reason to hate. You can never love big enough to hate when you let God in. You are never alone, and when you feel the need to show the world how much you love, stretch out your arms and wrap them around the world and show them "I love you this much".
To my little angel Gracie: :-) I just filled my heart with a little more love today and it is no where near full! I keep working on it to prove your theory that as humans we use very little of the space in our hearts and if the world would work on filling it up to its full capacity this world would be a better place!
