JOHN 8:32
"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Yikes almighty! Never before has a blog I've written and posted had so much feedback with-in twenty four hours of being publicly posted as "Let Go Of Who You Are Not". The volume of replies, comments, and questions were so heavy that my Administrative Assistant (Ms. Lit) threw her hands up in the air, relieving herself of all responsibilities regarding this latest blog. Her being my self proclaimed BISO boss (Because I Said So) I apologized. That is I apologized for laughing when she called me, talking a mile a minute, about how I am taking up to much of her summer vacation time and summer has not even started. We agreed I would do a follow up blog to see if this would relieve the pressure of the number of responses the first blog had induced.
First and foremost I would like to clear up a detail I probably should have not omitted from the previous blog. I personally do not struggle with who I am, or who I have been. My inner peace struggle is with who I fear becoming. I fear that one day I will become the monster my birth dad proved to be until his final breath, beyond a breath life, was taken from him this past year. Although there is very little I know about how my birth dad grew up, the struggles he faced as a child, I know all too well the struggles he put me though. The mental abuse that led to the physical abuse that lead to the sexual abuse.
In so many ways I feel the need to thank my birth dad, because he truly played a huge part in who I am today. In spite of the past he darkened in my soul forever, despite the future in what may or may not become of me, my present has been defined because of the survival of my childhood. I also, in so many ways, feel that thanking him for any success in my life would lessen the praise I should give to my Misfit Family in helping to make me who I am today.
I challenged others to take time for themselves, getting to know who they are, in an effort to become who they would like to be. That challenge involved sitting in front of a mirror and working on seeing not the outer shell of themselves, but looking deeper into the inside of themselves, searching for inner peace. To answer one of the most asked questions involving yesterdays blog, the answer is yes, and no.
Yes, I have challenged myself many times to work with my reflection in the mirror to make sure what the world was seeing, is what I was offering. I work constantly on my Christianity in an effort to live as God has written how he desires us to live. It will be a lifelong challenge for me, one I take seriously and put a lot of time into. I know I can always be a better me, and by doing so I feel it helps others be a better them.
No, I am not comfortable with the reflection that stares back at me when I challenge myself to look into the mirror and see what others see. My biggest challenge is my biggest fear. That one day I will become the man my birth dad had become. I struggle when I look at who is looking back at me in that mirror. I see him, I see the image of my birth dad. I see the likeness of him in me. The wild crazy out of control hair, the crooked smile, the same shape of the face that was his, and the eyes that cause me to stare myself down as if I am looking into the eyes of him, trying to see deep inside the depths of his soul, trying to figure out why he was who he was.
Self evaluation is not an easy task to perform. Chances are you are going to either under evaluate yourself, or over evaluate yourself. This is why it is so important in your life to surround yourself with the right people. To put your faith and trust in the right individuals who will not allow you to lie about who you are. The friends that will bring out the best of you, and stay with you while you work on becoming the best you that you can be. I cannot stress to you enough how important it is to surround yourself with the best set of friends you can find. Avoid the friends that allow you to be less then who you are. That's the easy road, take the high road, not always easy, but always truthful.
I never said it would be easy, I never said it would not cause pain. Working on your inner peace is truly rewarding as you find a way to make it grow. When you are satisfied with yourself, when you accept who the real you is, when you stop the lies that make you feel better, when you admit that you can be a better you than you are being, your inner peace will guide you along life.
The choice on who I was going to become has been mine all along. I did not realize this until the day I arrived in Boston, MA from Sioux City, IA. I was on my own, a fourteen year old kid who had know idea what he did to land in this situation. Didn't matter after a few weeks if I did anything or not, this is where I was. If I was going to make it, I needed to hookup with everyone I could that would be a positive influence on my life, inside and out. The very first friend I made in Boston, MA was God himself. I found a church, I found a purpose. I found a family that promised to never hurt me, to love me unconditionally, to allow me to work on myself and hang in there while I found out who I wanted to be.
I always ask my mom in prayers each night "Mom, are you proud of the man I am becoming?" The next prayer goes to God "thank you for accepting me for who I am, and allowing me to better myself". God and my Mom, the two figures in my life, living in the heaven above me, that matter the most to me. Both gave me life, both love me unconditionally, and both guide me in my endeavor to live an honest, healthy, peaceful life.
What I see when I look in the mirror, beyond the reflection staring back at me, beyond the breath of life I live in, are the images of God and my Mom. It is not just what you see in yourself when stare into the depth of your own soul, it is who is there with you when you do so. I believe with all my being that those that have passed before me still try to guide me in my journey on earth. My Mom's favorite saying to all of us kids was "be the best that you can be, the person you want others to know and see". Those words are etched in the part of my heart that longs for the hug of mother. As sure as I can see my birth dad and the reflection as I look into the mirror, I can also see my Mom. We were both victims at the hands of the same man, we were both survivors of a past that will never be forgotten, may never be forgiven, but has certainly landed us in the hand of God.
Look in that mirror, not for the flaws but for the beauty of what God has placed in your life. Appreciate all you have. Love unconditionally, live without fear, and laugh often. And one day my friends, beyond a breath of life, you will be rewarded in a heavenly fashion and inner peace will be a given, when you stop in God's Park before you enter into his Kingdom, and reflect on how you did your best, to be the best you that you can be.
A very special message to one of my many blog followers, Oleg from Russia. Thank you so much for your kind words. Gracie would be so happy with your efforts to make a difference in the life of a child suffering the same illness as she had. Prayers for you Oleg and your little friend Galina. May your journey together fill both your hearts with more love then you ever thought possible! Hugs my friend and thank you for your support in walking my journey with me through my blogs. We shall someday meet, and the Glory of God will unite our friendship forever. ~ Jett
