Diary Of A Weeping Heart 6

 Perhaps we see what we want to see.  Perhaps we believe how we want things to be.  Perhaps we miss the signs of life and the smell of death because we don't want to believe anything but the best.  Perhaps we know, but don't want to let go.  Can we be so easily fooled?  Are we so blinded by life that we forget about death?  I never knew what I should have known.  

Ce'dric's plan was so clear to me, but not until his diary was handed over to me by his father.  His father said that after they read it, him and his wife felt it would do more good in my hands then theirs.  They had not shared it with Ce'dric's brothers because they felt Avery and Adrian were too young to understand the contents of their brothers final days on earth.  My hope is that one day they will be able to read through it and even if they do not understand his actions, perhaps they will be able to accept them.  I know I am far from understanding his reasoning, but I am getting closer to understanding his pain.  

I have to remember, this was not about me.  As big a part as I was in his life, this was about Ce'dric.  Even as careful as he was to not reveal his pain and his sadness, he was sure to leave behind this diary, to try to help us cope and move on.  First the pain of losing one more friend, then the anger of a life cut short, then the sorrow in the realization his final breath on earth left behind so many tears from those that loved him.  Slowly the acceptance of another Circle Of Life moment in my life is being formed.  The sadness and pain is still in my heart, as are the memories of the times we shared, all good, until the day he pulled the trigger.

May 25, 2013: Saturday
Went over to Alana's parents house this morning.  Her mom called my mom this week to check on me.  Told her they want us to know they think of us often and she should tell me I should come over more to visit,  They miss me.  THEY MISS ME???  They don't know what missing someone is all about.  I don't know why I was so angry with them today, its not their fault.  It's the mean girls, and the mean girls will have their day.

Still haven't moved a thing from Alana's room.  I offered to do it for them.  "Let me box up her things for you, at least the clothes. I don't mind really, it will help me I think."   Felt good to be telling the truth for a change but it's all for my benefit really so yeah, its another lie.  If lying were a paying job I would be a rich SOB by the time I check out.  So on Monday I will go over during the day and box up some things and haul them away.  

May 26, 2013: Sunday
Going to church with Paulie and his family today mom, he invited me and afterwards I'm eating at their house.  Yeah, his parents are some nice people mom.  I might hang out with Paulie playing COD or NHL13.  LIE, told and sold. I spent the day with the spirit of Alana.  Jett was there I could tell, he leaves behind a guitar pick when he leaves.  Only guy I know likes to hang at the graveyard.

I wonder when mom will realize I stopped going to church.  I wonder if I can convince her for the next 2 Sundays.  Of course I will go to mass one last Sunday with them.  It will be a great day that day, one they are sure to remember.  I'm hoping to be able to go "lie free" for that last week.  If I've planned this out well enough, it will be a lie free week.

May 27, 2013: Monday
I slept so good last night knowing today I got to spend the day in Alana's room.  No one was going to be home and that made me extremely happy.  No one to hang next to me talking my ear off.  No one to have to lie to.  No one to have to ward off, ask questions.  Just me.  Me and the room that Alana took her last breath in.  I was excited and I know that sounds creepy but I was just excited to get to do this

I touched every piece of clothing Alana owned that was in that room.  She was so modest, I loved that about her.  Not flashy at all like the mean girls who pushed her to her death.  Each time I filled a box I took it down to my truck so when I was done it was off to the thrift store.  I wonder if people know they might be wearing dead peoples clothing.  I wonder if it would bother them if they knew.  I wonder if any of the mean girls will freak out when they find out.  I actually just laughed thinking about turning them into the victims to make Alana the victor.  

May 28, 2013: Tuesday
Mom and Dad came in my room bright and early today.  "Alana's parents called last night.  Ce'dric, you didn't have to do that but it was a nice gesture and I am sure they appreciated it more then they can express"  I know dad, I know.  "I don't know what I would do, that would be so hard to pack up your child's life after such a tragedy."  I know mom, I know.

I have to make sure I make this as easy for them as possible.  They will have very little to sift through. I'm 99% sure this plan is going to come through for me.  So far everything is going as planned.  Even Jett is buying into my lies.  Dude, I hate doing this to you but its not about you, it's about me and it is what it is.  I'm sure he will be the one offering to take care of my room, wrap it up.  He's a good pal.

May 29, 2013: Wednesday
Racquet ball with Avery today and me and Adrian went for an after dinner walk.  Avery is very athletic, I hope he keeps that up.  He's just not a little kid anymore.  Hard not to talk to him like he is one.   He kicked my butt but he always does.  I don't let him either, he's just good.  Adrian talks non stop. I love that about him.  All the questions in the world and he asks them one right after another.  Tonight he asked me why do  they put windows on the sides of those houses Ce'dric, All you can see is the house next door and they are so close you can probably touch them.  I wish I could answer his questions so he would learn more.  Good brother time memories.

Couldn't sleep tonight.  Laid in bed for about three hours telling myself to to go to sleep.  Close my eyes and I picture Alana which keeps me awake.  Guess I will pop in a movie try to drift off.  No reason to really, tomorrows just a normal day of telling lies to make everyone believe I'm doing alright.

May 30, 2013: Thursday
Sometimes Avery pushes my last button.  I wonder if he even knows he's doing it, or is it on purpose?  Always accuses me of being moms favorite.  I told him today "she's just worried more about me right now because of Alana.  I tell her am OK but she still worries.  She loves us all the same."  He don't get it, I know I have to just swallow his crap so I don't exit this life with a riff between us.  It frustrates me.

I went back over to Alana's house today.  They seem to be moving along well without her.  It gives me hope that my family will be OK after some grieving.  They will all have each other just like Alana's family.  I sat in her room and read some of her thoughts in her diary.  I haven't yet sat and read it all, I don't need anything to influence my plan one way or another.  I skim it.  I sift through the pages.  I took more of the jewelry I've given her throughout the two years.  Simple pieces really, because she liked simple.  Nothing flashy that made her stand out in the crowd, even though she always stood out to me in any crowd.  I will take the first piece of jewelry I ever gifted her when I go.  A simple gold chain, dainty and cute.

Watch out mean girls, our final days together have arrived.  You've been so good about keeping me company, texting, calling, whatever you could to let me know how sorry you all are for my loss.  Now I get to pay you back and let you know how sorry you should of been.

May 31, 2013: Friday
F@#King Fridays. My heart breaks all over again on the weekends.  I wish now that I knew then how short our time would be together.  I would have pushed everything out of my life to spend all my days with you, all my nights with you.  Giving you just three days a week of my time with you was a joke.  "FTB's bullsh@t.  Why would I go along with the boys on that one.  Jett never did.  He realized FTB's would not carry him any further then the next night of rolling bums and preaching to the hookers.  I was less interested in life today then ever.  Every smile I returned to someone telling me anything to do with the future made me want to swing.  I imagined everyone in front of me with a noose around their neck.  Just shoot me already.  Tonight's the last night I will take the sleeping pills given to me by the therapist I lie to bi-weekly.  Paying someone just so you can lie to them.  How sad is it to be able to fool your therapist?  Makes me laugh really and THAT is no lie.  I'm so good at the lying game that sometimes I wonder if I would of made a good lawyer or politician (no offense Mayor Menino).

Last day of this month brings me new hope.  I've come this far.  22 more days.  Time drags, so does life.  I welcome June with open arms and a bleeding heart.  Move over Alana, our time is coming.

I Never Knew - Words of Broken Heart

Ce'dric left a notebook diary documenting his final days on earth.  I have already shared many days of his final thoughts on my blogspot site for those that choose to read them.  There are 22 days worth of his final thoughts left to blog about.  Included in his daily writings are several drawings, sketches, thoughts, and poetry and songs.

I found this particular piece of work from Jan Brooks an interesting find.  I had not never heard of her and her poetry and decided to research a bit about her.  Ms Brooks is an inspirational poetry author and I found her work to be enjoyable to read.  I did compare the below poem that Ce'dric had written in his notebook to the writings of Ms Brooks and found that he had changed a few words to personal this poem to the pain he was feeling.

The most interesting thing that crosses my mind is imaging how Ce'dric himself came across this poetry piece.  Ce'dric was not into much outside of Alana and hockey.  I never knew him to read a whole book, even for college.  To read some of the things in his notebook diary, such as poems and song lyrics, caught me off guard.  I guess it is true to his life after Alana died.  Everyone says "there was nothing you could have done" and I guess that is true.  I wonder really, did Ce'dric leave this poem to let us know how he felt about how there was nothing going to stop Alana, or did he leave it for us, to let us know there was nothing going to stop him.

I Never Knew

Jan Brooks/Ce'dric

Such a waste, But what could I do?
A life was lost, And I never knew. 

No one knew, That she was in pain, 

She didn’t say, Or ever explain.

Can’t explain, How it made me feel,
But her death, Was ever so real. 

All so real, The loss of someone, 

So tragic, The pain is not done.

It’s not done, It never quite ends,We never,
Get over lost friends. These friends,
Sometimes lose their way, They retreat,
And why, they won’t say.

They won’t say, That their pain was deep,
We don’t know, The secrets they keep. 

She can’t keep, Us from our grieving,
No one knew, She planned on leaving.

Her leaving, A shock to us all,
Just so sad, That she took the fall. 

Took the fall,  When things were so bad,
She forgot, About friends she had.

Friends she had, Who could have been there,
If they’d known, Because they did care. 

                             We did care, But she never knew,
                        Now she’s gone, And part of me died too…

Diary of a Weeping Heart 5

I remember the day Ce'dric first met Alana.  I had already experienced laying eyes on the girl I knew in my heart I would someday marry.  So I got it, I knew when he said it, how his heart felt.  The boys didn't get it, because when you play hockey the guys come first and girls are third behind skating.  It's the way we rolled, well the way they rolled, including Ceddy.  Then we went to open public skating just for something to do.  We packed ourselves into two cars and headed for the rink.  The ride for me was miserable, I had a girl and the rest of the boys didn't really get why I had priorities above them and skating.  I just sat and took the ribbing from them, including Ceddy.  Until the walk into the rink that is, when Alana walked by our gang of skaters headed into the rink.  Ceddy was gone from the moment he laid eyes on her and I knew then that he felt exactly what I felt the day I first laid eyes on Kristy. 

I get it Cedz, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I felt betrayed as I ever have by the one guy in our gang that understood how easy it was to walk away from the guys into a girls arms.  To avoid them when they put pressure on to grab the skates and take off, or grab the trunks and head for the cape.  But the girl wasn't supposed to take you completely out of their lives.  Not like this man, not like this. 

They say the worst pain in the world is the pain you feel that no one can see.  The pain that cannot be gauged on a scale of 1 to 10.  The pain that no time can ever heal.  The pain of a broken heart.  Well you broke a lot of hearts Ce'dric and I can't believe you know that pain and knowingly left it inside your parents hearts, your brothers hearts, your family's hearts, and your friends heart.  I just cannot get passed that.  I just cannot.  ~ Jett

May 18, 2013: Saturday
Family day.  We went to Grandma and Grandpa Lee's house.  Big food fest and fun in honor of Grandpa L's 70th birthday.  Smiles, laughs, fun with the cousins.  No one mentioned Alana or the tragedy of it all.  I saw the looks though and I could tell who was talking to my dad about it.  I imagined they were asking how I was doing.  I've lied so much about that to my parents they are now unknowingly spreading those lies for me.

It was perhaps the longest day yet.  No where to go to get away.  No where to just sit and relax my mind from the exhausting task of showing how well I am dealing with life.  Grandpa L teased everyone how this was the last birthday bash, that it could be the last time we enjoyed cake and ice cream with him.  He thought he was joking, if only he knew it would be my last time.  I am sure I will see the Grand L's again before I depart this world but I hugged them real tight before we left.  Hugs that will get me to where I am going.  Hugs I wont ever forget how they felt.

 May 19, 2013: Sunday
I'm going to church with Jett today mom.  LIE.  I'm going to hang out at his house today with the guys mom.  LIE.  Don't worry mom, they will feed me good.  TRUTH.  Lie's win again today, I told more lies then I did truths.  Sad I know but the truth will NOT set me free, or at least as free as I want to be.

Another stupid weekend passed, another weekend closer to my final destination, my final departure. I remember when the weekends didn't last long enough and flew by with the girl of my dreams, Alana.  Now they drag on endlessly, no matter how much I have going on.  Just die already is the phrase I say in my mind when I just want crap to go away. 

May 20, 2013: Monday
Shoot me dead already.  Woke up to a list of chores from mom.  Maybe I should of played the sympathy card a bit longer.  I got it done though, and more.  Today I started clearing my room of crap that doesn't matter.  I had to be careful to not remove the stuff that my mom thought matters to me.  She would spot that quickly.  I couldn't discard my crap in the trash here so I took it to thrift store on the other side of town.  I can't wait really, to get to the bare minimum of my belongings.  I already had a box in the back of my closet for Addie, stuff he would want I know.  I don't know how I got so much closer to him then I have Avery.  Going to have to work on that.  Just added to a bucket list I was nearly done with.  Not my plan but I want Av's to know I love him and this wasn't about him and me.

May 21, 2013: Tuesday
Drove by the rink today.  Funny I didn't miss the skating that went on there. What I missed was Alana.  It was where I met her.  Where I first saw her walking across the lot to open skating.  I told the boys that day as I pointed her out "that's her, that's the girl I will marry, just you wait and see".  June 22 at 10:15pm, the moment I first laid eyes on that pretty girl with the pretty smile.  That's the day that will be etched forever in the minds of everyone I leave behind.  Alana made a liar out of me but that's OK, she knows I am on my way.  Joe laughed that day at me, I remember how pissed off I got.  The rest of the guys just walked away, I'm sure knowing it would never happen.  Jett patted me on the back and wished me luck, "girls are worth the pain buddy" he said.  Yes, Jett, they are.

May 22, 2014: Wednesday
Dammit, I got into it with mom today.  Spending too much time in my room.  Quite fighting with your brother.  I don't know what Avery's deal is, he is always pushing my buttons.  Does he know? Does he suspect?  What is this all about with him?  I need to try harder with him.  I told mom I was sorry, I told Avery I was going to be a better brother to him.  He's just different then Addie is.  I can't remember when this all started.  I wonder if Alana's death has effected him.  I have less then a month to figure this out.  A small snag in my plans but I can mend this.

May 23, 2014: Thursday
Thirsty Thursday.  Hanging with the boys tonight was a bit refreshing.  A good get away from my house.  First time I consumed since Alana left.  The day she swung was the day we were going to celebrate her 21st birthday.  Just a month or so shy of the day we met but I couldn't wait anymore.  It would be a birthday gift she would never forget.  Our first legal drink together, the day I was going to ask her. Pop the questions.  Marry me Alana.  Nothing spectacular just a question and an answer.  We talked about the future together for months. 

I cant help but wonder if I went to her that morning would she still of swung to her death that afternoon.  She surely did not suspect what was coming right?  She wouldn't have done this to us had she known.  Why did I wait? Why?  I'm sorry Alana, for not being able to save you from the mean girls.  I promise you I will not leave until they are haunted through their lives.  I've already started that plan, leave them suffering, feeling what they put you through. 

May 24, 2014: Friday
I cried all day.  All day.  The pain in my heart made it bleed through my eyes.  I miss her.  I need to be with her.  It's hard not to leave tonight. Hard to hide the truth tonight but what the hell, let mom and dad see the sad.  See the tears.  I'm OK mom I promise its just been a long tiring day.  Just missing her tonight, you know it's Friday and they are hard for me.

I let her down, as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a future husband to her.  I didn't see the any signs to indicate she was unhappy.  I don't understand how I missed the broken in the girl I loved with all my heart and soul.  In the next 28 days I hope to leave with proof of how one can hide their sadness from those closest to their heart.  I want to leave knowing there was nothing I could of done, nothing I could of seen, no sign of the troubles that took my Alana away.

Friends: LUKE 20:36 - Angels of God

LUKE 20:36

 Neither can they die any more: 

for they are equal unto the angels; 

 and are the children of God, 

being the children of the resurrection.

Talking about death is never an easy thing for most people, especially if the content of the conversation is in regards to someone they have lost.  Depending on your beliefs and acceptance of God's plan for us with an eternal life, the grieving process can be very difficult and last a life time.  I had a conversation with Avery, a thirteen year old who recently lost his mother, his brother and his brothers girlfriend, all to suicides.

Alana hung herself on her 21st birthday, a victim of bulling by girls who could not accept her for who she was which resulted in her not accepting herself as God made her.  Ce'dric shot himself  67 days later, unable to live without the girl he was going to ask to marry him the day she swung.  Less than a month later his mom overdosed on pills and booze, unable to live with the pain of her son's death.  She left behind a husband and two sons, Avery and his ten year old brother Adrian.

Grief and confusion has left the brothers with questions they seek answers too.  I find the way each brother grieves interesting considering there is just three years difference in their ages.  Adrian at the age of ten has the more juvenile approach to his questions that leaves others to wonder if he really understands that death honestly is, the final breath of life on earth.  Avery at the age of thirteen understands the circle of life cycle completely and questions his role in the death of his loved ones.  While both brothers seem to understand the permanent absence of the deaths they have faced, Adrian carries on with his high energy spirit while Avery's spirit has sunk below its normal level.  Adrian carries on as if this tragedy did not happen, only on occasion does he stop to ponder the deaths.  Avery cannot get past the deaths and seems to be avoiding anything that would allow him to enjoy his life, if even for a brief moment.

To give their dad time to care for his own grief without worrying about the boys, us Misfits have them at our house for the weekend.  They came home with us after their mothers funeral services on Thursday.  This presented me the opportunity to sit with Avery out on the deck out back to see if he would open up to me at all about the deaths this family has encountered in the past 2 1/2 months.  The nature of Avery's personality is a quiet one.  He is not near as loaded with the energy of his younger brother who is always on the move.  Avery carries himself on a low key approach to life.  Most that know him probably have already labeled him as lazy even though he is active in sports and is in the top of his class with his studies. 

He is proof in point that you cannot judge a book by its cover.  What you see is not what you get when you are befriended by Avery.  He does not speak often but when he does he speaks volumes.  He is soft spoken but not afraid to speak up.  Sitting out on the deck with him I got to see what's inside this young man, and try to match the pain in his heart with the pain I could see in his eyes. 

On Wednesday I took Adrian to lunch, where we would meet Father Tom who I asked to join us out of concern that Adrian was not understanding what happens beyond a breath of life.  All indications were telling me he was sure since his mom left, his brother could come back.  Adrian asked Father Tom if it would be OK if he was mad at his mom.  His response to Adrian was that it was OK to be upset with her but what purpose does that serve either one of you?  It will not bring her back and it will only slow down the grieving process and it will get in the way of the love you have for your mother.  Adrian thought that was not a good idea, to be mad with her, because he did love her and he didn't want that to get missed in any anger he was not letting go of.  I felt the time we spent with Father Tom was great for Adrian and that it helped him understand death, how permanent it is, and how it's OK to miss our loved ones and how it's important to keep the love we have for them alive in our hearts.

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 

Dr. Suess

On Thursday, as Avery and I sat out on the deck, I wondered if he also wanted to know if it would be OK to be angry about the recent deaths.  Watching him at his mom's funeral today, the mass, the graveside burial, and the luncheon served in the basement of his families church, I saw a whole lot of sadness in Avery's eyes but no outward side of anger coming from with-in.

"How long will I be afraid I am going to die?", Avery asked, breaking the silence we sat in.
"What makes you think that Avery?", I asked.
"I didn't ever think my brother would die, or my mother would die, but they did.  How do I know I won't want to die like they did?", he said.
"You don't know when you are going to die Avery, but you cannot live your life worrying or wondering when you will.  You have to live, or you might as well die.", I told him.

I told him how I was 14 when my brother Joey died when he was 24.  Just like he is 13 and Ce'dric died when he was 23.  I told him I know what he is going through, how tough it is to know how to feel, how to deal.   I told him how you have to work on what is in front of you and that he will have the sadness of his loses with him his whole life.  That sadness never leaves you and as time goes on the pain is still with you but the sadness that stays with you helps to ease the pain of them being gone.

"People mean well Avery, when they tell you it gets easier with time.  They are not lying to you, they are trying to help you with the pain and the sadness. They think they are will give  you hope telling you that it gets easier as you move on.  But really it always hurts and you are always going to be sad for those you miss."

"I will always feel this way?", he asked.


"You will always feel sad when you think of them Avery, " I told him, "It's the memories you have of them that helps you with the sadness.  When you think of all the fun things and all the good things about the time you had with them, it will soften the hurt in your heart.  Without feeling the sadness of them being gone, you would not feel the happiness of the memories they left behind with you."

I explained to him how I miss Joey and my mom so much that some nights I lay in bed and cry for hours.  The pain is as great now as it was when I lost them from my physical world.  It is during these times that I think about all the great times I had when they were here with me.  It brings out the memories of the days when I did not have the pain of them being gone.  I told Avery that the sadness is not going anywhere and grieving for them is something he will always do.  That he has to find a way to move on with his life, enjoy what life is still offering him.

"I fought with Ce'dric the day before he died and I argued with my mom before she died", he revealed to me.

I told him that Ceddy is hanging over a cloud somewhere right now looking down on him.  That he has long forgotten about the argument, same with his mom.  That he has got to let go of that guilt and realize the pain they felt was just way beyond anything they could deal with here on earth. I told Avery about how I came to live in Boston, with my brother Jordy and how we fought all the time and Jake and Mikey moved here to help me and Jordy out, get our lives back on track.  How I love Jordy and I need him, and he needs me.  How we still fight about things, because that is just what brothers do.  I told him how Joey and I used to fight even after he got sick and we knew he was going to die.  "It's just what brothers do, but they love each other enough to get through all that."  I told him how he needs to realize we all make mistakes and that is just part of life.  We have to just work on being the best we can be and move beyond our mistakes.  Take responsibility for them and just keep going.

"Have you ever made mistakes Jett?", he asked.
"No, I'm different Avery, I can do no wrong.", I said.
Avery laughed and smiled at me.
"See that guitar over there I asked?" pointing to the guitar I recently whacked over the railing of our deck out of anger, breaking it beyond repair.  "I did that, now I have to figure out how I'm going to get a new one because I need my music."
He said "How'd you do that?"

So I told him "Well, this is a secret OK?  I told your brother I was trying to kill a bee before it killed me.  But that is not the truth. I was mad at Ce'dric.  I got angry for a moment and at that time it seemed like a good idea to break something I have to replace."

He said "You got mad at him after he died?"

"Yes", I told him, "I am still angry, very sad, but that is selfish of me because he was my friend and I loved him and I miss him.  I may never really understand why he did it Avery, or why your mom did it, but I wasn't living in their pain."

I told Avery its OK to be angry with them, you just can not let that anger over shadow the love you had for them.  I told Avery I feel a bit guilty that I could not see the pain inside his brothers heart.  That I know he was sad Alana left him but I thought he was dealing with it best he could.  I told him that the anger I feel is more out selfishness because I want him here with me and I want a 'redo' to figure out how I could have help him better.  The truth be known, there is nothing we could do to change their fate.  
"It is what it is", I told him.

"It is what it is", he repeated.  
Both of us smiled, because we both knew that it was that phrase that we would hear consistently from Ce'dric. When something didn't make sense, or even if it did, to Ce'dric the best thing to do was walk away from it and say "it is what it is".

  

Avery stood up and came over to where I was standing. "I'm real sorry about your brother and your mom Jett."  He reached out to me for a hug and when I hugged him, he gave me a real hug back.  That was already progress I thought.  "I'm real sorry about your brother and your mom too," I said.

Diary of A Weeping Heart 4

 Ceddy was always the calm one of the gang of skaters we hung with.   I was the worrier, trying to keep the guys in line with the law, none of us needed that.  Ceddy was the one that calmed the guys down when things started to get out of hand.  Most of us followed his lead without even realizing what he was doing.  When Alana became his 'out' for skate time with us boys we talked about how we missed him in our Froggy Park antics.  When the boys got rowdy I would try to calm them down, bring them to their senses. But it was Ceddy who controlled that about our gang.  No one else was that "kewl".  I whined to the guys about 'getting caught' or 'someones going to call the cops'.  Ceddy just stared them down, not saying a word, and turned around and walked away.  We all followed him.  Who would we follow now when things started to go south?  

It troubles me deeply that none of us saw this in Ceddy.  That we allowed his lies to deceive us.  Did we do this to avoid his pain?  Did we do this to let him wallow in his sadness?  Why could none of us see that his absence from our time on the streets meant more then we wanted it to, that his absence from the rink meant he was walking with his own shadow of pain.  ~ Jett

May 11, 2013: Saturday week 5
It's harder than it seems it would be, to avoid getting back into life but making sure everyone around you thinks you are trying to move on.  The lies I am telling are starting to make me lie to myself too.  I made sure to call Jett today, tell him I was feeling low.  The guy that never lies, I am lying to the most.  Its painful to do this, to the one guy that has always been there for all of us boys. Feeling low was the lie, keeping Jett in tune with this charade was the chore.

Me and Addie went to Av's game today.  Celebrated his win with a trip to the buffet.  Addie would tell mom how much we all ate.  What a a way to convince her I was eating good, laughing lots, and having fun again.  Its amazing how people are really, like how much they believe the impossible. 

I need to keep pushing.   I need to keep up the lies.  The only thing that was real today was having fun with Addie and Av.  The rest of the day was a bust, even though my bucket list is getting shorter.  I need to start pushing Alana further back in my mind but its hard to do when she feeds my heart.  She is the one that will push me to get done with this game of life.

May 12, 2013: Sunday
A Sunday lie and mom bought it with a shiny silver dollar.  Tummy ache mom, I think I ate way to much yesterday.  I'll be fine.  Go on ahead and I will say my prayers from bed.  Took them forever to get out of the house this morning.  I went to be with Alana, at least as close as I could.  So much left to do I need to get my ass moving on this list. 

At least this lonely weekend is gone, over, done with.  It didn't pass without pain.  I remind myself with each passing weekend, soon will be here, even though it doesn't seem soon enough.

May 13, 2013: Monday
Ran with dad today, Avery ran with us too.  Wish I could get Adrian to go too.  Would be great father sons memory especially sitting out back after our run for a while, drinking water, talking.  Probably the rental units will always be asking me how I'm doing.  It's hard dad, but I'm making it.  I'm OK mom, I miss her, but I have you.  LIES

May 14, 2013: Tuesday
Less and less people around me are asking about me, how I'm doing.  No one really talks about Alana anymore except her family.  On occasion my dad will talk about her.  I wonder how quickly I will be forgotten when I get the hell out of this miserable life.  I don't care, I will be with Alana and our together forever plan will be confirmed.  Dust in the wind, floating together, souls attached.

Alex, Dylan and Jason made their way over today.  Sat out back and lied to them about life.  None of them have had a girlfriend for more then a week at a time.  They played the bids.  Not me, I never rolled in that dust.  I have only ever loved Alana.  They wont get it until they become consumed with that one girl they would die for.  We kicked a ball around the yard, just like the old days.  Mom loved feeding my friends, even Dylan who she didn't really care for, not because he wasn't nice, but because he lacked manners.  Something only a mom would expect from a hockey boy.  She heard the laughs, it had to of convinced her a bit more of life moving on for me. 

May 15, 2013: Wednesday
They still haven't made progress on Alana's room.  I sat in there for hours today, rummaging through her things.  It was like all the pieces of her without a body.  I could smell her, I could feel her.  I cannot wait to be with her.  I stood in the spot under the point of where she hung herself.  I closed my eyes to imagine her final thoughts as she slipped the rope around her neck.  I remembered the night I gave her the eternity necklace and she assured me she would never go anywhere without it.  That wearing it meant I would always be with her.  She kept it on that day she dropped herself off that chair to end the misery of inner sadness.  I carry it in my pocket these days, because I need to take it with me when I go so she can have it back. I sat on the chair, the chair that last felt the life of my angel, my girl.  Lucky chair I thought.

Her sister came and sat on the bed as I rummaged through some drawers.  She asked me what I was looking for.  Christ, I don't know I wanted to tell her.  The truth would be that I wanted to know what I could of done to stop her, the LIE I told was that I was bored and I just thought it would pass time for me.  I hope they take their time in removing this piece of Alana from their lives because it was all I had left right now.  Soon Alana, soon, but not today.

May 16, 2013: Thursday
If a day could be any bleaker then today I would end it right now.  Woke up with a headache that would make a rap songs beat seem like a polka.  I still ran with dad today though.  I didn't need anyone thinking this was depression.  Probably it was, but the only one that needed to know that was me.  Well me and Jett, because the lies to him had to be more creative.  He questions everything.  I had to be a better liar to him because that kid has the purest soul on earth.  He can't tell a lie but he can detect them.  His girls a lucky girl, he would see in her the troubles of Alana if they were in her.  Not me, I was fooled.  The fooled has become the fooler.

Adrian came in my room in the middle of the night. He had a nightmare.  He thought he could sleep with me better.  He asked Avery and but Avery told him to go back to bed.  Note to me:  make sure Avery understands he has to take care of Adrian when no one else can.

May 17, 2013: Friday
Mom was all over my swearing today.  You're such a nice young man but you have a potty mouth.  Its those boys you hang around with Cedric, you could do better.  I know mom, I know.  I would improve my language for her sake, so that when I leave she doesn't think 'good Lord that boy could swear'.  Would be a better example for my brothers too, not get them at their ages caught up in a pig life style.  I would do my part, maybe preach to them a bit about it.  Clean language boys, because moms like a nice boy with a clean mouth.

IPOD central today as I get through another weekend without Alana time.  My playlist is "Alana" and I listen to it on continue play remembering the reason behind every song we called "our" song.  So many poetic lyrics that seemed they were written just for us.  I could add 100 songs easy to this list that fit us in a whole new level.  I already know this IPOD will be the last thing I touch, when I erase the playlist and leave it on Avery's dresser.  It's a bit eerie when I think about that, but he used it more then I did after he broke his.  He will appreciate it and always have it to remember me for something more then the arguing we did.

Diary of A Weeping Heart 3

 My dad asked me to not continue blogging the journal of my good friend Ce'dric.  I explained to him that everyone deals with grief differently and this is my way of letting go of the anger I feel for Ce'dric taking his own life.  In an effort to understand why he did this to us I felt it was an important thing to do.  The more I read his last months journal and the careful steps he took to plan his death, the more I understand why he felt this is something he had to do.  I don't at all agree this as any ones 'way out' of their journey on earth, but I am beginning to understand what he was feeling, what he was thinking, what he had to leave behind to find peace in the death of his girlfriend Alana.  

I asked his dad George if he was bothered by the blogging aspect of Ce'dric's journals.  He told me there was no doubt who needed those journals in their hands and that Ce'dric was not a writer therefore he left them for a purpose.  No, he would not read the blogs I wrote, but he would be fine for me to let others know the pain of his sons life, and the pain of his sons death.

I am well aware there are blog followers who will chose not to read this series of my blogs and that there will be new followers who chose to read them.  The sadness in them coming from the weeping heart of a boy who lost his passion to live without his love tells a story about life, and the want for life beyond a breath of life.  

Ce'dric had so many friends in so many areas of his life.  I was lucky to have met him through the skating community and we became friends, and ran with the same gang of friends.  When I hung up my hockey skates competition wise I would go weeks without seeing Ceddy but each time we connected for guy time it was like we had never missed a beat in our friendship.  He's still my friend, just from miles away.  ~ Jett

May 1, 2013: Wednesday:
 I knew of two things for certain when I woke up this morning.  1) my mom would have a May Day basket outside my bedroom door, as was tradition for as far back as I could remember and 2)  today I go full force back into life, preparing my family and friends for the beginning of the end of me in their lives.

I don't even feel the need to begin to apologize at this point, just go about showing them how much I love them.  The lies will thicken with each smile I share with them now.  I have to be as normal as I usually am, but throw in a bit of 'OK, I'm moving on'.

I asked my mom if I could shopping with her after she got home from work.  I told her I could help her carry them in and put them away.  I laughed on the outside as I lied on the inside  "I think I should get to pick out my favorite snacks for a change, instead of my brothers."  She bought that with a smile as big as her heart.  I would make this a weekly trip with her, so she had the memory of me filling her cart up with junk, junk she normally wouldn't buy had I not been along. 

May 2, 2013: Thursday:
First thing this morning I was up as soon as I heard my dad moving about.  He ran every morning like clockwork, today I would ask him if I could run with him.  "I need some fresh air and I want to get my lungs back, get ready to skate, I'm out of sync with my body."   He bought that with a smile as big as his heart and off we ran, father and son.  No words were spoken but I could feel his pride.  He would have the memory of the next 30 days of me running by his side, 30 minutes a day of silence, as if all was alright. 

Some of the guys stopped by tonight and wanted me to hang.  I did, I was happy to, on the outside.  On the inside I wanted to be with them a few more times so they would remember me as part of their gang.   We bonded on the ice first and became friends fast.  I would remind them of how we met and how we formed a brotherhood that would last a life time.  I wanted to make sure they never forgot the road that lead us to that brotherhood.

May 3, 2013: Friday:
Tough night this has been, another weekend is here without my sweet girl Alana.  I was funked deep, in a mode I could  not break.  I wanted to just take my girl out for a nice dinner and love her best I could.  Instead I went to the cemetery, the resting place that was a pile of dirt a little bigger then the casket they buried under it.  No headstone yet I thought to myself, what the hell takes so long for that?   I hope that don't hold up my plans any.  Plenty of time I thought, I have the whole month of May and then some.

May 4, 2013: Saturday (Week 4):
Headed into week four since Alana left on her own terms.  I have no words to how numb my body feels.  The last three weeks drug by but I know I have to keep moving.  My boys called today looking for me to play some pick up hockey with them.  They don't get it so I don't even try to explain.  I tell them I have plans with my family.  It's a lie, but just a little one.  Tonight I told Adrian and Avery I would watch movies with them.  A marathon.  Popcorn, fudge, cokes, chips, the works.  We haven't done this for a while and I knew it would be a good memory for them.  It was a good night, lots of laughs, on the outside. Inside the pain is equal to death anyway.  Sleep is something I suddenly crave a lot of.  Less to deal with.

May 5, 2013: Sunday:
Church. Ugh. Dread this more then anything these days.  Sorry Jett.

I met up with my friends Jett and Chad today for a sandwich.  It was nice, really, I'm going to miss these boys.  I hate that I can't look at anyone anymore without wondering what they are thinking.  Probably the only one I know that I trust to speak his mind is Jett.  Chad avoided eye contact with me but it was a good sandwich and a nice time.  I get more time with my boys this month I just need to be selective about my lies, avoid the rink.  It's not hard for me to do, it's hard for them.  It's still their reason to live  It hasn't been mine since I met Alana.  I didn't have to balance my love for the game with her, she stole the show.  How I miss her, but knowing I'm headed her way keeps me motivated to end things here before I end it all.

May 6, 2013: Monday:
A run with dad today, he seems to be enjoying running side by side with me.  I'm glad I put that on my bucket list to do.  Lately we have been sitting in the kitchen after our run drinking an orange juice.  Talking.  He asks me way to much how I'm doing.  He's "happy to see you getting back to life, I know you miss her, but she would want you to go forward."  I know dad, I know.

Stevo and Mason stopped by the house today.  Skate skate skate.  I remember when I lived to skate. These days I live to die.  I have great friends and I am now doubting if they will understand why I am leaving them behind soon.  My boys remind me of our motto with each other "never trust anyone, not even me.  I could tell you truth or lie like a lazy dog, just to make your day better, or worse."  Love my skate boys, some of the funniest crap happens when we get together.   

May 7, 2013: Tuesday:
I went to Alana's room today.  Her parents have yet to take care of her things.  I laid on her bed thinking about the plans we already made for our future together, that is before she left without me.  It's ok, we will still be together, just differently.  I lifted some things from her room today, I don't think her family would mind, they don't know the meaning behind the things I took.  I wanted to tell them "don't worry, these will  go exactly where they belong soon".

I look around her room, I will visit it a few more times before I stop coming around.  Going there will raise suspicion on how I am doing, or not doing.   Stop coming around and spending time in her room will show everyone how well I am doing, moving on without her.  Lies. Lies. More Lies.  But it won't matter in the end.  Everyone that loved her felt this same pain and chose to move on.  I did not.  I will not move on without being with her.  So the lies continue.

May 8, 2013: Wednesday:
Mom and I went out to dinner tonight before we grocery shopped.  I told her "buy a poor broke kid a meal will ya ma?"  She bought right into it.  Oh you are doing so well she would tell me.  It was a great day with mom and I know she will remember this dinner for a long time.  She liked that I flirted with the waitress, or at least acted like I was interested.  That was easy but truth be known, I haven't been interested in any other girl on earth since the day I laid eyes on Alana.  My heart knew before my mind knew that she was the one.  The only one.  Sorry mom, but I need you to believe I am trying.

May 9, 2013: Thursday:
Played racquet ball today with Avery.  He was surprised when he asked me and I said yes.  That made both of us happy.  I hate the game he loves.  It's his gig and he's a damn good player.  I think he gets it more then Adrian.  Avery is going on 14 soon and he is noticing girls more and more.  So he will understand the whole scene Alana played out and the broken heart inside my chest.  He asked me how I was doing.  "I'm OK Av, I miss her but I can't bring her back".  A lie, but not a real lie.  I can't bring her back but I can go to her.  Sorry Avery, brother, but my life has become a game so I can meet death.

May 10, 2013: Friday:
 F$(#*ing Friday's.  It's unbearable and if anyone tells me I will be alright today I could punch them real easily.  I'm avoiding Jett on Fridays from here on out.  Friday's are like a no lie day zone.  I am too close to the truth on Fridays, knowing its one more weekend away from my girl, yet one more weekend closer to her too.

I warded everyone off today, all day.  Lied to all of them.  Everyone thought I was with someone else so no one bothered me.  I was with Alana, or at least her corpse.  I love her to much to be mad at her.  I wanted to reach down and pull her back out of the earth.  It was hard to walk away from her tonight, go lay in my own bed and think about how much I miss her.

I hate the weekends the most.  Just a few more.

Diary of A Weeping Heart 2

I have decided to exclude some of the things Ce'dric has written in his journal to avoid any further pain to those he left behind.  The cursing are the only worlds I specifically omitted from these blogs, in respect to those that find it offensive.  Nothing else has changed,  These journal entries were Ce'dric's words, his thoughts, his plans.

Ceddy, man, I'm not angry but I am hurt.  I understand but I am confused.  I do thank you for leaving this journal as it helps me realize the truth I brag about setting you free is much like the lies you used to free yourself.  Whatever happened to "don't back up, don't back down"?  Brae, it hurts to follow your final breaths on earth from your point of view.  Miss you man ~ Jett

April 20, 2013: Saturday Night:
Nothing says real more then a casket being lowered down into the earth. I knew it was real, but seeing that today confirmed what I will have to do if I want to be with Alana.  She is loved by so many people, how could you not see this Alana?  The pain at mass today was about as unbearable as the pain in my heart.  All I could think about was they would do this all in a couple months when I join you again.  How sad for them, how spectacular for us.

I watched Avery and Adrian as they sat through mass, confused and sad for me.  I will make sure they both know before I leave that this is not the end, that it will be the beginning.  My boys were there in numbers today and that meant a lot to me.  The respects they paid as they lowered your casket were appreciated.  They loved her because I loved her.  They will know. They will understand.


April 21, 2013: Sunday:
My heart is starting to feel empty now.  My sadness seems to be stable.  I think its because I am going to see her soon, sooner then I should yet not soon enough.   More grief at mass today.  More condolences from our church family.  More lies really, about how this was by God's design and how I will be OK and how time will mend my aching heart.  I smile and thank them for their kind lies, knowing that it will be sooner then they think. 

Alana's mom sobbed frequently as her dad comforted her today.  Her sister and brother sat in silence missing her, probably wondering what they could have done to keep her here.  I will make sure Avery and Adrian know there is nothing they did, or could do, that would keep me from going to be with my love. 

April 22, 2013: Monday:
Jett texts me every damn day.  I didn't think about his pull with heaven and his spiritual being.  He can't foil my plan but he talks a great game.  I will miss his preaching to me and the boys about life and how important it is to stay on the right side of the sidewalk. 

I can't seem to get my legs going yet, get back on the ice.  It's where I met her, its where I fell in love with her.  The boys are begging me but I need time to tie my loose ends up.  Frankly I don't even want to skate again, ever. 

Mom asks me all the time if I am doing OK.  White lies keep her off my back for now.   My family is trying to fill the void left behind by Alana.  Adrian told me he loved me today, first thing.  "I love you Ceddy".  First thing he usually tells me in the mornings is to not drink all the milk.  Makes me laugh at that memory, once in his ten years of life have I drank the last of the milk before he got his coco puffs and that was 3 years ago.  Today he stopped his tradition of acting angry over it.  He sealed up that memory for me and it will travel with me to this afterlife I hear about.

April 23, 2013: Tuesday: 
I stayed up late last night with my dad.  I wanted to express to him how important he has been my life.  How I never refer to him as my step dad.  He is the only dad I have ever known.  I told him I have never felt he treated me differently even though he was tough on me about being a big brother and setting a good example.  I admire George, he's a step up father who keeps our family focused and moving.  I thanked him for his support through losing Alana and let him know I wanted to spend more time with him one on one.  I hate I will disappoint him on the big brother end but he will understand, after all he is the one that told me "this will not be your first broken heart, or the last friend you lose".  It will George, it will be my only broken heart and it will be the last person I lose.  I just need to stay focused and avoid getting back into life on earth.

April 24, 2013: Wednesday:
I struggled to get out of bed today.  I felt like I had an anchor in my chest weighing me down.  I reminded myself it was just a heavy broken heart and then I told myself to act like this was last summer when Alana and her family went on that two week cruise and I was stranded here without her.  Mason and Tanner stopped by this morning, trying to drag me to skate.  We sat out back on the patio for a couple hours catching up on what I have been missing out on.  The stories are always funny but laughing on the outside was masking what I wasn't caring about on the inside. 

It's not hard to fool people that you are not in the walk of life anymore.  I can see how easily Alana fooled me about happiness.  She never gave anyone reason to be suspicious and either will I.  My boys left knowing I was doing alright and I will skate with them soon.  After a while they will give up asking and just move on, because that is the easy thing to do.  I like that about my boys.  If I need them they will be there, if they don't hear from me I'm doing OK.  Except for my pesky friend Jett, the modern day Jesus, he checks in at least 2x a day.

April 25, 2012: Thursday:
Alana's mom called me this morning and invited me to dinner.  "we love you Ce'dric and we want you to remain a part of our lives".  I thanked her and promised her I would make my way over but today I promised the boys I would skate and I was going to hang out with my brothers.  A lie.  Much like the lies everyone was telling me about how the pain would go away.  Not said to be harmful but more to be comforting.  I realized at that moment I would live out the remainder of my time on earth telling lies, to avoid the truth.

April 26, 2013: Friday:
Fridays really are the worst days for me right now.  The weekend was were Alana and I would find time to be together.  I had games on Fridays and Saturdays at night she would come to and during the day on Saturday and Sunday I would hang out with her and her family at her siblings sporting events.  Sometimes I would drag Adrian along after he begged me.  But always it would be the weekends where Alana and I would get our time together beyond texting and skyping.  Today seemed like it was not going to end well.  My body just would not motivate itself to do much more then lay around the house.  Mom telling me to snap out of this, that I cannot go through life doing nothing.  "I know mom, I know", I would say back.

I knew I had to get moving on my plans.  Spend more time with my brothers to make sure when I leave they function better without me then I am without Alana.  They are young, they will recover quicker then I am.  They will have reasons to live beyond their pain. My boy Jett would save me a lot from this feeling without even knowing it, texting me several times a day, reminding me to keep up the pace of life so everyone would stay off my back about getting back into the game. 

April 27, 2013: Saturday:
I stopped by Alana's families house today.  It would be two weeks ago she died, one week ago she was laid to rest.  It was a nice visit, I missed them.  Such good people.  We talked about what we have all been up to.  More lies from me,  I took it they were telling the truth.  Hugs and tears and smiles.  I didn't mind the memories of talking about Alana and the past and it seemed to help her parents.

They were nice about me asking if I could spend a few moments in Alana's room.  Her dad reminded me that it has remained untouched for now.  That in the next few weeks they would be in there and take care of what they could.  It must be horrible for them all to walk by that door everyday and feel the emptiness of the room where they lost her.  I won't go out like that, I will leave the house and not leave that feeling there for them.

I sat on her bed, as I had once before, looking at the rope she used to end her pain.  I took it down, I thought that might be helpful to her family, to rid them of that ghostly task.  I put the loop around my neck to see what that felt like.  I tightened it, again, to feel what Alana might have felt if even for only a few seconds.  I could end this right now I thought, but I have to get my family set, I have to finalize some things in my life so they will not have to sit and go through this like Alana'a family will.  I would be back to this room again soon, but for now I opened her window and threw the rope out where I could retrieve it before I left.  I shut her door behind me and whispered to her spirit "see you soon baby".

April 28, 2013: Sunday:
Mass.  I should be more excited then I am to go today.  But it seems pointless to me.  Sit in a church pew with my family across from Alana's family, everyone looking, everyone thinking about what they should say.  It is becoming a bore to me.  I do wish people would shut up and move on like they are telling me I should.  The words mean less and less to me and I just want to scream "I'm leaving too so save your breath".  I'm not angry, I'm not tired, I'm not anything.  I just want to be left more and more alone as the days pass. 

April 29, 2013: Monday:
My celly beeps.  It's not even 6am.  I know it's Jett. "lets go workout".  I ignore it as if I didn't hear it.  He's starting to push me to get back in the rink.  I will hear about this later but today I just want to sleep more.  I am almost done making my agenda for the next month.  My bucket list.  June will be here faster then I know it and I need to get things going so I don't fall behind.  Planning for your future is hard enough, planning your death is even harder.  I need to be careful, there are just two people it will be hard to fool, Jett and myself.  We are the only two I can see foiling this plan.  I knew I could keep up my end of this deal, and I was pretty certain I could ward Jett off if he became to pushy.

April 30, 2013: Tuesday:
The rope.  I didn't really have any plans for it other then throwing it away to protect Alana's family from having to deal with it.  Her dad called my dad telling him I must have the rope.  He didn't care beyond thinking I would use it really, he just wanted to heads up my dad.  My dad asked me for it and I gave it to him willingly.  "I wasn't going to do anything stupid with that rope dad, I promise."  We talked about that for a long two minutes.  He agreed, it was a good thing to do but I should have told someone my reasoning.  "we worry about you Ce'dric", "I know dad, I know." . I didn't tell him how many times I put that loop around my neck, just to see if I could feel what Alana felt.  Now that he has the rope, that won't be something I will be able to do again.

I called Alana's dad and talked to him about it.  I apologized. He thanked me for being so thoughtful. I asked if they had cleared out her room yet?  No he told me, they just were not ready.  I asked if I can come over and take a few things,  He said anytime.  I would make it over in a couple days I told him.  I liked his family, they were kind.  I felt badly that they were left wondering what they didn't see so they could help her.  I knew the feeling, and I knew I had to wrap up my life so my family understood there was nothing they could do to keep me from her.

Diary of a Weeping Heart 1

My friend Ce'dric recently took his own life, the result of much pain in his heart left by the love of his life of 2 years, Alana.  She also took her own life as the result of much pain left in her heart at the hands of young adult women who felt the need to question her character and judge her life.

Ce'dric left behind many friends and family members, including his Mom, his step Dad, and his brothers Avery (13) and Adrian (10).  I recently spent time with Mr L (Ce'dric's step dad) and learned more about the life Ce'dric lived beyond what he shared with those that loved him.  Mr L was kind enough to let me read the journal Ce'dric has left behind.  He began this journal the day after Alana hung herself in the bedroom she slept in, in her parents home.  Just as Ce'dric wrote about the time he spent in Alana's room after her death, I will journal about the time I spent in his room after his death.  This next series of blogs will be under A Dairy of A Weeping Heart and will continue until I have shared his entire journal with you.

I want to share Ce'dric's journal with the world, to get a glimpse of the pain that helped him decide it would be less painful to go be with his sweet Alana.  I will tell you up front I am not worried about whether he wanted his final days on earth shared with anyone, because I really didn't want him to die, but he did, so this puts on an even playing field. 

Ce'dric, our friendship has not ended with your final breath beyond a breath of life.  In this world I have many friends who I will continue my walk with on earth. I wish you were here brae, because we shared a friendship that was unique and unconditional.  I understand your actions more then you think I do and I will forever love who you were and the friend you became.  Rest in God's Peace Sir, and may the Grace of God get you through to eternity with the girl you told me you were going to marry the day we saw her walking across that parking lot. Peace brother, God's Speed. ~ Jett

April 14, 2013:  Somber Sunday:
My first text yesterday went to my sweet Alana.  "Happy 21st Birthday baby, I cannot wait to take you on your first legal age birthday date."  The last text I received from the love of my life was simple and sweet, just like my girl.  "I love you Ce'dric, and I always will."

Alana baby, I am so sorry.   Not because I lost you, but because you were lost and I did not see that.  You took away all our dreams and hopes and plans for a lifetime together.  I told you once I loved you enough to die for you, today I get to prove this to you.  It won't be long baby and we will continue our lifetime of happiness together.

I broke my leg once, and thought that no pain could be worse than that.  Then I cracked two ribs and knew at that moment I was wrong, the pain was even worse.  Through all the injuries I suffered playing sports throughout the years, nothing compares to the pain of a broken heart.  I cannot live with an injury I cannot mend.  Today I will begin to tie up all the lose ends in my life and one day soon I will weep no more for Alana will once again be in my arms.

April 15, 2013:  Mourning Monday:
Everyone is telling me how horrible and sad they are for not only Alana's death but for the loss of her in my life.  I want to tell them to take the pain and the fear inside of them over this and times that by a trillion, and they will touch a very small portion of the pain in my heart.  I know they mean well, and I know they are struggling for something to say.  It is OK I tell them, this pain will soften as the days  go by and when the time is right our hearts will be together again in a world free of sadness and sorrow.

My mom hurts deep for my heart and the pain inside of me.  I want to tell her to worry less about me because I will soon find a way to be with Alana forever and when I go, she will understand, both the pain of a broken heart and my need to move on.

April 16, 2014:  Tragic Tuesday:
I visited Alana's family today for the first time since her death.  They are such kind people and I know the pain I see in their eyes and they feel in their hearts.  They are lucky I think to myself, they got to spend Alana's last day on earth with her.  She planed it well, on her 21st birthday, to let them  know how much she loved them and appreciated them in her life.  They were happy for those final memories of happiness in the life of their daughter, their sister, who hid from them the pain in her life and though it did not help comfort their lost, it left a true impression of who Alana was to them.

I sat in her bedroom for a couple of hours, looking at the remnants of the girl who promised me that one day we would marry and raise a family equally as well as both of us were raised.  With God in our lives to guide us through difficult times.  I looked up at the rope that still hung from her closet door that she used to end the pain inside of her that she shielded so easily from those close to her.  "where was God in your life on Saturday Alana, when you let go of your heart?".

As I sat there trying not to be angry I had a text come through.  "Ceddy, you better not be sitting around wondering where your friends are today. " It was Jett, the modern day Jesus on earth.  My friend, the kid who never gives up, never looks back.  I should of know if I was questioning God he would come through.  I met him at Froggy Pond, the park we hung out at when we wanted to get the world's troubles off our backs.

April 17, 2013: Wicked Wednesday:
I am impatient and angry today.  Angry at Alana for going without me.  I love her still as much as I did the day she killed herself but the selfishness in me is getting the best of me today.  Why not include me? Why not let me come with you now?  Why did you want to go alone?  Impatient with her family who cannot seem to find a way to get her quickly rested at peace.  The sooner we get that ball rolling the sooner I can tie up all my loose ends and be with her.

April 18, 2014:  Terrible Thursday:
Finally, the arrangements are made.  Alana will soon be resting at peace, with a angel like service and a final burial that will allow me to go on with my plans.  I will join her soon and we will comfort each other for those we miss on earth and those that will miss us. 

Man, mom's going to be angry as she has ever been with me.  I know my dad will keep my family going, he will find a way.  Adrian and Avery, guys, you are my best friends and when all you have left is each other you have to understand this was not about you, or mom, or dad.  It is about me and Alana and our life time together.

April 19, 2014: Frightening Friday:
I am anxious and nervous and sad all at once.  I am a ball of emotions that I cannot shake.  Tonight I will see Alana for the final time on earth and even though it is her corpse and I know her soul is hovering around above me, I know it will be difficult to see my beautiful Alana laid out in a casket that is her refuge from a world that could not protect her.  Tonight I will kneel in prayer for forgiveness for the path I am on that will once again take me to Alana's side. 

April20, 2014: Saturday's Service:
True to life my boys will have my back today as I walk away from the cemetery that will hold my bride to be's body forever.  Little do they know this is where they can find me soon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, over the grave of a love lost soon to be found and reunited again.

Last night was so bad.  All the weeping hearts left behind.  No one could find the right words to say, no one could look in anyone else's eyes.  Except Jett, my boy was right by my side the entire service.  My other boys lingered for a few minutes and left.  I know its hard.  I remember Connors funeral services.  I'm ready for today, I'm ready to see my final resting place that I will move to very soon.

Happy Fourth of July

GOD BLESS THE USA

Lee Greenwood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E

If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life  

And I had to start again With just my children and my wife
I'd thank my lucky stars To be living here today 

 'Cause the flag still stands for freedom  

And they can't take that away

 
And I'm proud to be an American Where at least I know I'm free  

And I won't forget the men who died Who gave that right to me
And I gladly stand up next to you And defend her still today 

 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God Bless the U.S.A.

 
From the lakes of Minnesota To the hills of Tennessee 

Across the plains of Texas From sea to shining sea  

From Detroit down to Houston And New York to L.A. 

 Well there's pride in every American heart  

And it's time we stand and say

 
That I'm proud to be an American Where at least I know I'm free  

 And I won't forget the men who died Who gave that right to me
And I gladly stand up next to you And defend her still today 

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God Bless the U.S.A.

 
And I'm proud to be an American Where at least I know I'm free  

And I won't forget the men who died Who gave that right to me
And I gladly stand up next to you And defend her still today  

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God Bless the U.S.A.

Friends: Kindred Souls/Warm Fuzzies

When two old souls, born again, cross paths.  When an aged soul finds peace in a youthful soul.  When a youthful soul finds comfort in an aged soul.  When two souls born in different era's collide on an unexpected course.  When two souls share the same beliefs, the same characteristics, the same pain in their individual journeys in life.  When two souls find each other, no matter what the distance between them.  When two souls share the same spirit.  That is what defines kindred souls.

I found mine in a most unexpected light.  Through all the shadows that haunt me in my walk on earth, there is a light that fights those shadows for me.  A light that takes the darkness out of my fears and the pain out of my heart.  A light that shows up when I least expect it, but most desperately need it.  A friend that has fought her own fears, has her own shadows, has lived through her own pain in her journey on earth.  She visits me often but is careful to not invade my space.  She is kind and patient and warm. 

I have many angels in my life that guide me from the heavens above.  I have many friends and family members who guide me from the streets of earth.  I have a great unconditional love friend who keeps me focused and loves every move I make in my journey on earth, mistakes as well as success's.  One who understands there is something inside me that is different, and troublesome.

Then there is my kindred spirit friend that God took me through miles and bridges to get to.  The soul that has lived a life of the same abuse I had.  The soul who escaped her demons, as I have, but continues to struggle with the spirit God gave her to keep his spirit alive in those she loves, as I do.  She questions her skills as a mother, as a Christian, as a friend.  Did she lead her children in the right direction, one that will carry them through their lives on earth when she is no longer there to place love in their hearts and God in their lives.  What more could she have done to point them in the right direction to continue her mission on earth, spreading happiness, love, joy and little warm fuzzy's.  What more could she have done to ensure they understand the meaning of family, great friendships, and that no fellow human is a stranger, they are just a friend waiting to happen.  How much more of an example could she set for them to be honest to yourself and true to those around that are there to make them a better person.

There was nothing fake about my kindred spirit friend.  She spoke only the truth and needed nothing from anyone she met other then for them to need her in their lives.  She battled through some tough times in life, only to find God and live by His word the best she could.  She battled through a life of abuse and sadness until the day God opened her heart and her mind to the beautiful person he intended for her to become.  She chose her words wisely, wrote her words carefully, spread her words sparingly.  She embraces her family when they need her the most, forgiving them their downfalls and lifting them back up onto the path she intended for them to be on.

I have had many long talks with my kindred spirit friend.  We relive our pasts with each other to find comfort in who we have become.  We laugh about the things we learn about each other and cry about the things that pained both our hearts in an earlier life.  Each visit promises me more hope in my dreams, more determination in my goals, more faith in my religion.  I find myself more confident and comfortable in my journey towards eternal life where one day I will be reunited with those who went before me.

Where Joey left off, its seems my kindred spirit has taken over.  It's as if God set a path out in my life as that one day I would meet my kindred spirit through an oracle data base of friends and family.  I have always believed that the walk in life you are on will cross paths with all the right people so that one day you will end up exactly where God had planned for you to be.  I feel very strongly that she was put in my life at the right time, for the right reason and that through her I will meet even more people I can call friends.

This is her wish for the happiness and welfare of her children, and her grand-children, and someday for her great grand-children:  "Let go of the material things in life that you use to make yourself feel loved and happy.  Though there are no strangers in the world, only friends waiting to happen.  The friendships you have lost were due to your lack of knowing the true definition of a friend.  Put your own needs and wants behind you and focus on those in front of you.  Do not be a taker in life, be a giver, and as painful as that is, in the end you will be surrounded by the right people to guide you into being a better person in the eyes of God.  Work on the warm fuzzies in life and once you realize the power of a kind word, a warm smile, and a silent prayer for others, you will see how a warm fuzzy is really a gift you give your own heart.  The happiness of others will provide the happiness you are missing with-in yourself.  All I ever wanted is to leave my children with the one tool that will get them through life with a spring in their step and a smile on their face.  The gift of God is something I placed in all of your lives.  That is the best gift I felt I ever gave any of you and it pains my heart that when you think I am not looking, you fail to use that gift to spread happiness to those around you."

“There was something in her eyes that made me trust her. Maybe it was because they held the same cynicism, the same world-weariness I saw in my own every morning when I looked at myself in the mirror.”
― Melika Dannese Lux, Corcitura