It's been a rough past seven days for me to say the least. The man who for the last seven years that has overseen my upbringing was stricken with a sudden illness. Jake will be OK, in fact, they are 95% sure, at least, that in a years time he will be right where he left off health wise last week. I worry about the 5% they are not so sure, even though I know they are more then likely very accurate in their assessment of his health.
I have many people in my life that I have depended on to help me get to where I am today. GOD is at the top of that list. It is HE who gives me the strength and faith I need to keep moving forward in my journey on earth. I not only spend a great deal of time reading the Bible and talking to HIM, but I also have the many people HE has placed in my life. There are several people I believe HE has helped me cross paths with along my way that HE put there in my times of need.
I have not always recognized those that I needed, or how I needed them, but they have always been there for me. Some have come and gone, but most are here to stay. When I say they are here to stay I am not talking about that literally, because the Circle Of Life will one day take them away from the physical world. I have lost many family members and many friends to the Circle Of Life. I have not always handled their deaths with the grace that God has gifted me. Most often after I go through the grieving process I come to terms with those whose spirits remain after their souls were lifted. Sometimes it takes longer to overcome my grief. Sometimes I guess I never really do.
This is what disturbs me about the 5% they are not so sure Jake's (my dad's) cancer will not return. Jake is my pillar in life. He is the one man I could look up to with trust, knowing he would never let me walk in the path of harms way. He has not only unselfishly crossed over onto my path in life from his, he has done this for all of us misfits. He is there when we need him and he is there when we don't even know we need him. There are so many things that he takes care of that we have no idea it needed to be taken care of. From sunup to sundown he moves through the day picking up the pieces we all have left behind.
So 5% of uncertainty in the welfare of the one man in my life that never turned his back on me is 5% to much. I have spent the last six days in a somber mood that has spiraled out of control for a kid that opens a Bible daily to thank GOD for all that he has been given. Today while I was sitting at work, thinking about Jake and what he will have to go through in the next 4 to 6 months I was hit with the realization that I was looking in the wrong direction. I threw myself back into the past where the roads of destruction actually lead me to Jake. Regrets for the past would mean no Jake in my future. Losing Jake is a constant that I carry in my heart everyday. I fear losing him would be like losing my faith in GOD and everything he has given me. The one father figure in my life that has earned my respect, and enough of it, to call him dad. He was not a part of my creation but he is a big part of who I have become, and will continue to become. I trust him with all my being, I feel safe behind his shadow, I feel peace in his existence in my life.
I found myself starting to bargain with God. Bargaining with GOD with offers of what I would do if he would just please, this once, let someone I love live, and live long, even beyond my last breath on earth. I was praying for what I wanted, what I needed. I have spent the last seven years learning how to pray, and pray properly. When I felt I found the answer of how to properly pray I wrote it in the front of each Bible I own, so when I opened them I would remember its not what we want or feel we need in life, it's accepting what GOD has given us, good or bad, so we can become better selves of who he would like us to be.
"Dear GOD, give me the strength to accept everything YOU give me in life, good or bad, and see it as getting one step closer to the eternity you have to offer me."
Sitting up at the hospital during the night with Jake last night, I asked GOD that question again. "Why GOD, do you continue to test my Faith?" It may have been exhaustion setting in, it may have been a subconscious dream, or it may have been GOD himself. I felt a presence near me, as if Jake and I were not alone. In my heart I heard these words "Your faith is not being tested by anyone other than yourself. When you question your belief in all that is given to you, look inside your heart, for your mind plays tricks on your soul."
Often the answers we are looking for to the questions we have come from inside ourselves. It is easy to blame others, including GOD, for the poor decisions we make in life. It is easy to want to blame others, as well as GOD, when we feel weakened in our faith and angry in our hearts. It is easy to want to blame others when we fear for the worse because we are weary of hoping for the best. We have all read the poem "Footprints in the Sand" Footprints in the Sand Site. We question why GOD was not with us when we needed him the most. Just like I questioned him on why he was testing my faith. It is us who walk away from GOD when we need him the most. It is I who is questioning my faith when I accuse GOD of testing it.
I need to put my trust and faith in GOD, just as I have in Jake. I need to realize that the reason Jake is in my life is because GOD put him there. I understand more and more that as the Circle Of Life swoops up around me and robs me of my family and friends, it also leaves others in the places where they stood. The people in our lives are gifts to us from GOD. Everyone enters our lives for a reason. Some will enter our lives to test our loyalty to ourselves and the commandments of GOD. Some will make us weaker, some will make us stronger, but the only one that can makes us better is ourselves. In order to be the best we can be, we need to treat others as we would like to be treated. Make our enemy's our friends. Judge less, smile more.
I have many people in my life that I have depended on to help me get to where I am today. GOD is at the top of that list. It is HE who gives me the strength and faith I need to keep moving forward in my journey on earth. I not only spend a great deal of time reading the Bible and talking to HIM, but I also have the many people HE has placed in my life. There are several people I believe HE has helped me cross paths with along my way that HE put there in my times of need.
I have not always recognized those that I needed, or how I needed them, but they have always been there for me. Some have come and gone, but most are here to stay. When I say they are here to stay I am not talking about that literally, because the Circle Of Life will one day take them away from the physical world. I have lost many family members and many friends to the Circle Of Life. I have not always handled their deaths with the grace that God has gifted me. Most often after I go through the grieving process I come to terms with those whose spirits remain after their souls were lifted. Sometimes it takes longer to overcome my grief. Sometimes I guess I never really do.
This is what disturbs me about the 5% they are not so sure Jake's (my dad's) cancer will not return. Jake is my pillar in life. He is the one man I could look up to with trust, knowing he would never let me walk in the path of harms way. He has not only unselfishly crossed over onto my path in life from his, he has done this for all of us misfits. He is there when we need him and he is there when we don't even know we need him. There are so many things that he takes care of that we have no idea it needed to be taken care of. From sunup to sundown he moves through the day picking up the pieces we all have left behind.
So 5% of uncertainty in the welfare of the one man in my life that never turned his back on me is 5% to much. I have spent the last six days in a somber mood that has spiraled out of control for a kid that opens a Bible daily to thank GOD for all that he has been given. Today while I was sitting at work, thinking about Jake and what he will have to go through in the next 4 to 6 months I was hit with the realization that I was looking in the wrong direction. I threw myself back into the past where the roads of destruction actually lead me to Jake. Regrets for the past would mean no Jake in my future. Losing Jake is a constant that I carry in my heart everyday. I fear losing him would be like losing my faith in GOD and everything he has given me. The one father figure in my life that has earned my respect, and enough of it, to call him dad. He was not a part of my creation but he is a big part of who I have become, and will continue to become. I trust him with all my being, I feel safe behind his shadow, I feel peace in his existence in my life.
I found myself starting to bargain with God. Bargaining with GOD with offers of what I would do if he would just please, this once, let someone I love live, and live long, even beyond my last breath on earth. I was praying for what I wanted, what I needed. I have spent the last seven years learning how to pray, and pray properly. When I felt I found the answer of how to properly pray I wrote it in the front of each Bible I own, so when I opened them I would remember its not what we want or feel we need in life, it's accepting what GOD has given us, good or bad, so we can become better selves of who he would like us to be.
"Dear GOD, give me the strength to accept everything YOU give me in life, good or bad, and see it as getting one step closer to the eternity you have to offer me."
Sitting up at the hospital during the night with Jake last night, I asked GOD that question again. "Why GOD, do you continue to test my Faith?" It may have been exhaustion setting in, it may have been a subconscious dream, or it may have been GOD himself. I felt a presence near me, as if Jake and I were not alone. In my heart I heard these words "Your faith is not being tested by anyone other than yourself. When you question your belief in all that is given to you, look inside your heart, for your mind plays tricks on your soul."
Often the answers we are looking for to the questions we have come from inside ourselves. It is easy to blame others, including GOD, for the poor decisions we make in life. It is easy to want to blame others, as well as GOD, when we feel weakened in our faith and angry in our hearts. It is easy to want to blame others when we fear for the worse because we are weary of hoping for the best. We have all read the poem "Footprints in the Sand" Footprints in the Sand Site. We question why GOD was not with us when we needed him the most. Just like I questioned him on why he was testing my faith. It is us who walk away from GOD when we need him the most. It is I who is questioning my faith when I accuse GOD of testing it.
I need to put my trust and faith in GOD, just as I have in Jake. I need to realize that the reason Jake is in my life is because GOD put him there. I understand more and more that as the Circle Of Life swoops up around me and robs me of my family and friends, it also leaves others in the places where they stood. The people in our lives are gifts to us from GOD. Everyone enters our lives for a reason. Some will enter our lives to test our loyalty to ourselves and the commandments of GOD. Some will make us weaker, some will make us stronger, but the only one that can makes us better is ourselves. In order to be the best we can be, we need to treat others as we would like to be treated. Make our enemy's our friends. Judge less, smile more.
Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee,
Trust Him when thy strength is small,
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all.
Trust Him, He is ever faithful,
Trust Him, for his will is best,
Trust Him, for the heart of Jesus
Is the only place of rest.
~ Anonymous
Trust Him when thy strength is small,
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all.
Trust Him, He is ever faithful,
Trust Him, for his will is best,
Trust Him, for the heart of Jesus
Is the only place of rest.
~ Anonymous
