My friend Ce'dric, who is now gone from earth and resting peacefully in God's park, left behind many people who are still grieving his death. His youngest brother Adrian, ten, called me yesterday and asked if he could come over to my house for the evening. With his dad's approval I picked him up after work and brought him to the Misfit house.
Adrian is still in possession of Ce'dric's cell phone and will text me quite often, mostly in the evening hours when he should be asleep. There is a comfort I provide him that I cannot take away from him, although I am unsure exactly what that comfort is. It pains my heart when he calls me Ce'dric by mistake. I miss Ce'dric terribly but the pain in my heart comes from how much Adrian misses his oldest brother. I was fourteen when my twenty-four year old brother Joey died. Adrian was ten when his twenty-three year old brother died.
I remember the pain of Joey's death inside of me in great detail. Mostly because it hurts as much seven years later as it did the day we watched him take his last breath on earth. I know it pained those around me that watched me struggle each day to keep moving forward. What I did not know, was how hurt their hearts must of felt. Watching Adrian struggle with his brothers, and his mothers death (she died a short time after Ce'dric did), has me reliving those moments I will never experience again, because God would not give me Joey back.
Adrian liked eating at the Misfit house where we all sat around the table, said our blessing, and devour the most delicious home cooked meals you can imagine. He wanted to say the pre meal blessing, and no one had any problem with that at all. It was short and to the point. "God, thank you for blessing my life with these nice people. They cannot replace Ce'dric and my mom, but they sure do love good. AMEN."
I looked up at Adrian, who still had his head bowed down as he held hands with my Aunt Claire and niece Olivia. A quick glance towards my dad and I saw a single tear fall out of his eye and roll down his cheek as he also looked at Adrian. In that falling tear I saw the pain in the heart of my dad that I remember seeing so many years ago when we said goodbye to Joey. I felt the pain in my heart for the brothers who would struggle in years to come at the lost of their loved ones, gone from their young lives. With our AMEN's said after such a fine prayer, little three year old Olivia climbed off her chair and hugged Adrian.
I thought about the last time I saw my little sister before the accident which took her life at the age of three. I thought about my little angel Gracie, gone at the age of eight. I longed for the hug of my mother, gone almost two years now. I longed for the days of Sioux City IA where Joey drug me around the city making sure I knew he loved me. I longed for Connor who recklessly loss his life with drugs and alcohol. Ce'dric who decided earth was not for him. I thought about all those who have died before and live beyond a breath of life. Oh how I wish I could have every single one of them back.
My heart was aching for my losses, but it was in a tailspin for Adrian and Avery's losses. That pain that is indescribable even to others who have suffered a loss as great as a loved one. There are no words that can come close to expressing the hurt that truly never heals. The best possible way to 'feel' that pain is to look into the eyes of those hurting. I can see it in Adrian's eyes, it is a scared hurt. A confused hurt, a hurt that says he is wondering what is next. What do I do now? A pain he is incapable of burying deep enough to hide. I can see he has questions but has not been able to form them yet. I can see the fear he has for death, this new found enemy that took those lives from him.
What he will not allow me to see is the tears, but I know they are there. I can tell when he turns away from me he is hiding them. I can hear them in his voice when he talks to me. I know they are there and I want so bad to tell him "it's OK to cry" just like Gracie told me that day I told her about Joey and how much I missed him. I can feel them in the hugs we give each other. I can only hope he feels the comfort I have to offer him. I can only hope he understands that I know he is sad and that I know it hurts in a way that you know no one can fix for you.
We played games, Go Fish and Crazy Eights. We listened to my IPOD, comparing music. We sat on the deck and talk about the sky and all it holds. This is life's perspective for a little boy who knows nothing else. Introduced to death at such a young age, in such horrible circumstances. Unprepared, uninformed, unannounced. No warning, no clues, no time. Just sorrow and pain.
Damn you Ce'dric. Damn you.
