I spent a few hours last weekend hanging with Avery, my friend Ce'dric's brother. He has been struggling since the death of Ce'dric, facing some huge emotional breakdowns. The bigger share of his struggles is how to go on living his life in the absence of his brother, as well as his mother, who died shortly after Ce'dric did. I spend a lot of time with Adrian, the younger sibling to Avery, because he texts and calls me almost on a daily basis and I am his Cub Scout Sponsor. So when Avery reached out to me this past week I felt I should spend some time with him, let him know I am now and always will be there for him.
Avery started a journal that helps him cope with his feelings and gives him a release on an emotional level. When he first told me about his writings he was embarrassed and felt what he had to write about was corny. I offered to let him read some of my earlier journals next time he was over at the Misfit house. That next time was today. I called him up to see if he wanted to hang out with me while I ran around the city taking pictures of flowers for my Photography class. He said yes so I grabbed a few journals and my camera and headed over to pick him up.
Normally on Sundays in the afternoon I visit the resting place of several of my friends that are gone but not forgotten. I did not feel I should hang at the cemetery's today with Avery in tow so I decided to just visit some parks around town and snap some pictures and just sit and visit with Avery about life in between parks. While I took the pictures, Avery read through some of my journals. This was our routine for about three hours, with more then half of that time spent sitting on park benches and talking while we people watched.
It was after the last park where I would shoot flowers that Avery decided to open up to me about Ce'dric and his feelings about his death. The journals I selected to have Avery read were the journals I created for my brother Joey and how his death effected my life. I felt that perhaps by reading them Avery would see that the emotional roller coaster he was on was as normal to him as it was when I went through this. Our conversations were stirring up a lot of old memories. Memories of not only Ce'dric but of all those gone from my life as well. Joey, my mom, Connor, my Amazing Gracie and all the other souls that touch my heart and soul to this day.
I tried to explain to Avery it is all in God's plan. Every seed planted, every baby born, every life taken along our paths is by God's design. I knew it was hard for Avery to understand my words, especially with so much pain inside him for the loss of his older brother and his mother. I knew he was struggling, and would be for a long time, over what his life should be like in their absence. When Avery asked me about the anger I wrote about in my journal towards Joey for so many months after his death it became even tougher to explain to him the Circle of Life and what it holds for all living things.
I explained to him that I was angry at everyone and everything, including myself, when Joey died. I know he didn't intend to die, but non the less he did. I know it was God's will, but non the less I was angry with God. I was angry at everyone I could think of to be angry with. I was using anger to look for someone I could blame. When all was said and done, it was really me I was angry with. It most certainly had to of been something I did, or did not do, that caused God to want to take Joey from me. Just as I knew it must be something I did, or did not do, to cause my dad to inflict emotional, mental, and sexual abuse on me.
I explained to Avery that it took me months, and then years, to come to the conclusion that Joey was going to die when he did and there was not one thing different I could of done to change that. Joey's circle of life had gone full circle and he was awarded a spot in heaven with God. A life of eternity was granted to Joey and it was indeed a gift. I explained to Avery how it never gets easier, it never hurts any less then the day he died, but as time goes on my faith gets stronger and allows me to celebrate the life Joey lived and be thankful for the time I had with him.
I told Avery I was fourteen, just a year older then he is, when Joey died. I was sure he was feeling the same pain, the same helpless feeling as I did then. It's OK to move on with your life, have fun and make memories. Love others deep, worry less about losing them and more about the memories you will make with them while they are with you. I told Avery to honor his brother and his mother by talking about them, sharing their spirit of life with those around him. Don't be afraid to show your sadness and sorrow but also do not be afraid to follow your dreams in your own Circle of Life. Walk with God, side by side, and each step you take together is a step forward in His plan for your life on earth.
Avery and I talked about living for today, living for the moment. How the pain is bearable when you choose to celebrate death once you have mourned life. We talked about the Circle Of Life and that when you stop living without completing the Circle God has chosen for you. I won't too soon forget the words Avery said to me as we stood up from the bench and walked towards my car. "I'm afraid Jett, but I don't know what I am afraid of." I offered up my IPOD to Avery to let him listen to this song (see below). A song I listen to often when I too feel afraid, but I am not sure of what.
Be Not Afraid Lyrics
JOHN MICHAEL TALBOLT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWpG7qHtB8g
You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands and all will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live.
R.
Be not afraid.
I go before you always.
Come follow me, and
I will give you rest.
If you pass through raging waters in the sea, you shall not drown.
If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the pow'r of hell and death is at your side, know that
I am with you through it all.
Blessed are your poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me, blessed, blessed are you!
