(This is a shortened version of the prior blog thread titled "Diary of A Weeping Heart". It contains all of Ce'dric's journal left behind, minus all of the commentary inserted by myself.)
The following journal that begins on April 14, 2013 was written by a very good friend to me, Ce'dric. This journal continues through June 22, 2013 and logs the final days of a young man's life who began to die the day he begin writing it. His girlfriend of nearly three years took her own life on her 21st birthday, April 13, 2013. He was dying of a broken heart and found peace in numbering his days until he would join her in death.
April 14, 2013: Somber Sunday:
My first text yesterday went to my sweet Alana. "Happy 21st Birthday baby, I cannot wait to take you on your first legal age birthday date." The last text I received from the love of my life was simple and sweet, just like my girl. "I love you Ce'dric, and I always will."
Alana baby, I am so sorry. Not because I lost you, but because you were lost and I did not see that. You took away all our dreams and hopes and plans for a lifetime together. I told you once I loved you enough to die for you, today I get to prove this to you. It won't be long baby and we will continue our lifetime of happiness together.
I broke my leg once, and thought that no pain could be worse than that. Then I cracked two ribs and knew at that moment I was wrong, the pain was even worse. Through all the injuries I suffered playing sports throughout the years, nothing compares to the pain of a broken heart. I cannot live with an injury I cannot mend. Today I will begin to tie up all the lose ends in my life and one day soon I will weep no more, for Alana will once again be in my arms.
April 15, 2013: Mourning Monday:
Everyone is telling me how horrible and sad they are for not only Alana's death but for the loss of her in my life. I want to tell them to take the pain and the fear inside of them over this and times that by a trillion, and they will touch a very small portion of the pain in my heart. I know they mean well, and I know they are struggling for something to say. It is OK I tell them, this pain will soften as the days go by and when the time is right our hearts will be together again in a world free of sadness and sorrow.
My mom hurts deep for my heart and the pain inside of me. I want to tell her to worry less about me because I will soon find a way to be with Alana forever and when I go, she will understand, both the pain of a broken heart and my need to move on.
April 16, 2014: Tragic Tuesday:
I visited Alana's family today for the first time since her death. They are such kind people and I know the pain I see in their eyes and they feel in their hearts. They are lucky I think to myself, they got to spend Alana's last day on earth with her. She planed it well, on her 21st birthday, to let them know how much she loved them and appreciated them in her life. They were happy for those final memories of happiness in the life of their daughter, their sister, who hid from them the pain in her life and though it did not help comfort their lost, it left a true impression of who Alana was to them.
I sat in her bedroom for a couple of hours, looking at the remnants of the girl who promised me that one day we would marry and raise a family equally as well as both of us were raised. With God in our lives to guide us through difficult times. I looked up at the rope that still hung from her closet door that she used to end the pain inside of her that she shielded so easily from those close to her. "Where was God in your life on Saturday Alana, when you let go of your heart?".
As I sat there trying not to be angry I had a text come through. "Ceddy, you better not be sitting around wondering where your friends are today. " It was Jett, the modern day Jesus on earth. My friend, the kid who never gives up, never looks back. I should of known if I was questioning God he would come through. I met him at Froggy Pond, the park we hung out at when we wanted to get the world's troubles off our backs.
April 17, 2013: Wicked Wednesday:
I am impatient and angry today. Angry at Alana for going without me. I love her still as much as I did the day she killed herself but the selfishness in me is getting the best of me today. Why not include me? Why not let me come with you now? Why did you want to go alone? Impatient with her family who cannot seem to find a way to get her quickly rested at peace. The sooner we get that ball rolling the sooner I can tie up all my loose ends and be with her.
April 18, 2014: Terrible Thursday:
Finally, the arrangements are made. Alana will soon be resting at peace, with a angel like service and a final burial that will allow me to go on with my plans. I will join her soon and we will comfort each other for those we miss on earth and those that will miss us.
Man, mom's going to be angry as she has ever been with me. I know my dad will keep my family going, he will find a way. Adrian and Avery, guys, you are my best friends and when all you have left is each other you have to understand this was not about you, or mom, or dad. It is about me and Alana and our life time together.
April 19, 2014: Frightening Friday:
I am anxious and nervous and sad all at once. I am a ball of emotions that I cannot shake. Tonight I will see Alana for the final time on earth and even though it is her corpse and I know her soul is hovering around above me, I know it will be difficult to see my beautiful Alana laid out in a casket that is her refuge from a world that could not protect her. Tonight I will kneel in prayer for forgiveness for the path I am on that will once again take me to Alana's side.
April20, 2014: Saturday's Service:
True to life my boys will have my back today as I walk away from the cemetery that will hold my bride-to-be's body forever. Little do they know this is where they can find me soon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, over the grave of a love lost soon to be found and reunited again.
Last night was so bad. All the weeping hearts left behind. No one could find the right words to say, no one could look in anyone else's eyes. Except Jett, my boy was right by my side the entire service. My other boys lingered for a few minutes and left. I know its hard. I remember Connors funeral services. I'm ready for today, I'm ready to see my final resting place that I will move to very soon.
April 20, 2013: Saturday Night:
Nothing says real more then a casket being lowered down into the earth. I knew it was real, but seeing that today confirmed what I will have to do if I want to be with Alana. She is loved by so many people, how could you not see this Alana? The pain at mass today was about as unbearable as the pain in my heart. All I could think about was they would do this all in a couple months when I join you again. How sad for them, how spectacular for us.
I watched Avery and Adrian as they sat through mass, confused and sad for me. I will make sure they both know before I leave that this is not the end, that it will be the beginning. My boys were there in numbers today and that meant a lot to me. The respects they paid as they lowered your casket were appreciated. They loved her because I loved her. They will know. They will understand.
April 21, 2013: Sunday:
My heart is starting to feel empty now. My sadness seems to be stable. I think its because I am going to see her soon, sooner then I should yet not soon enough. More grief at mass today. More condolences from our church family. More lies really, about how this was by God's design and how I will be OK and how time will mend my aching heart. I smile and thank them for their kind lies, knowing that it will be sooner then they think.
Alana's mom sobbed frequently as her dad comforted her today. Her sister and brother sat in silence missing her, probably wondering what they could have done to keep her here. I will make sure Avery and Adrian know there is nothing they did, or could do, that would keep me from going to be with my love.
April 22, 2013: Monday:
Jett texts me every damn day. I didn't think about his pull with heaven and his spiritual being. He can't foil my plan but he talks a great game. I will miss his preaching to me and the boys about life and how important it is to stay on the right side of the sidewalk.
I can't seem to get my legs going yet, get back on the ice. It's where I met her, its where I fell in love with her. The boys are begging me but I need time to tie my loose ends up. Frankly I don't even want to skate again, ever.
Mom asks me all the time if I am doing OK. White lies keep her off my back for now. My family is trying to fill the void left behind by Alana. Adrian told me he loved me today, first thing. "I love you Ceddy". First thing he usually tells me in the mornings is to not drink all the milk. Makes me laugh at that memory, once in his ten years of life have I drank the last of the milk before he got his coco puffs and that was 3 years ago. Today he stopped his tradition of acting angry over it. He sealed up that memory for me and it will travel with me to this afterlife I hear about.
April 23, 2013: Tuesday:
I stayed up late last night with my dad. I wanted to express to him how important he has been my life. How I never refer to him as my step dad. He is the only dad I have ever known. I told him I have never felt he treated me differently even though he was tough on me about being a big brother and setting a good example. I admire George, he's a step up father who keeps our family focused and moving. I thanked him for his support through losing Alana and let him know I wanted to spend more time with him one on one. I hate I will disappoint him on the big brother end but he will understand, after all he is the one that told me "this will not be your first broken heart, or the last friend you lose". It will George, it will be my only broken heart and it will be the last person I lose. I just need to stay focused and avoid getting back into life on earth.
April 24, 2013: Wednesday:
I struggled to get out of bed today. I felt like I had an anchor in my chest weighing me down. I reminded myself it was just a heavy broken heart and then I told myself to act like this was last summer when Alana and her family went on that two week cruise and I was stranded here without her. Mason and Tanner stopped by this morning, trying to drag me to skate. We sat out back on the patio for a couple hours catching up on what I have been missing out on. The stories are always funny but laughing on the outside was masking what I wasn't caring about on the inside.
It's not hard to fool people that you are not in the walk of life anymore. I can see how easily Alana fooled me about happiness. She never gave anyone reason to be suspicious and either will I. My boys left knowing I was doing alright and I will skate with them soon. After a while they will give up asking and just move on, because that is the easy thing to do. I like that about my boys. If I need them they will be there, if they don't hear from me I'm doing OK. Except for my pesky friend Jett, the modern day Jesus, he checks in at least 2x a day.
April 25, 2012: Thursday:
Alana's mom called me this morning and invited me to dinner. "We love you Ce'dric and we want you to remain a part of our lives". I thanked her and promised her I would make my way over but today I promised the boys I would skate and I was going to hang out with my brothers. A lie. Much like the lies everyone was telling me about how the pain would go away. Not said to be harmful but more to be comforting. I realized at that moment I would live out the remainder of my time on earth telling lies, to avoid the truth.
April 26, 2013: Friday:
Fridays really are the worst days for me right now. The weekend was were Alana and I would find time to be together. I had games on Fridays and Saturdays at night she would come to and during the day on Saturday and Sunday I would hang out with her and her family at her siblings sporting events. Sometimes I would drag Adrian along after he begged me. But always it would be the weekends where Alana and I would get our time together beyond texting and skyping. Today seemed like it was not going to end well. My body just would not motivate itself to do much more then lay around the house. Mom telling me to snap out of this, that I cannot go through life doing nothing. "I know mom, I know", I would say back.
I knew I had to get moving on my plans. Spend more time with my brothers to make sure when I leave they function better without me then I am without Alana. They are young, they will recover quicker then I am. They will have reasons to live beyond their pain. My boy Jett would save me a lot from this feeling without even knowing it, texting me several times a day, reminding me to keep up the pace of life so everyone would stay off my back about getting back into the game.
April 27, 2013: Saturday:
I stopped by Alana's families house today. It would be two weeks ago she died, one week ago she was laid to rest. It was a nice visit, I missed them. Such good people. We talked about what we have all been up to. More lies from me, I took it they were telling the truth. Hugs and tears and smiles. I didn't mind the memories of talking about Alana and the past and it seemed to help her parents.
They were nice about me asking if I could spend a few moments in Alana's room. Her dad reminded me that it has remained untouched for now. That in the next few weeks they would be in there and take care of what they could. It must be horrible for them all to walk by that door everyday and feel the emptiness of the room where they lost her. I won't go out like that, I will leave the house and not leave that feeling there for them.
I sat on her bed, as I had once before, looking at the rope she used to end her pain. I took it down, I thought that might be helpful to her family, to rid them of that ghostly task. I put the loop around my neck to see what that felt like. I tightened it, again, to feel what Alana might have felt if even for only a few seconds. I could end this right now I thought, but I have to get my family set, I have to finalize some things in my life so they will not have to sit and go through this like Alana'a family will. I would be back to this room again soon, but for now I opened her window and threw the rope out where I could retrieve it before I left. I shut her door behind me and whispered to her spirit "see you soon baby".
April 28, 2013: Sunday:
Mass. I should be more excited then I am to go today. But it seems pointless to me. Sit in a church pew with my family across from Alana's family, everyone looking, everyone thinking about what they should say. It is becoming a bore to me. I do wish people would shut up and move on like they are telling me I should. The words mean less and less to me and I just want to scream "I'm leaving too so save your breath". I'm not angry, I'm not tired, I'm not anything. I just want to be left more and more alone as the days pass.
April 29, 2013: Monday:
My celly beeps. It's not even 6am. I know it's Jett. "lets go workout". I ignore it as if I didn't hear it. He's starting to push me to get back in the rink. I will hear about this later but today I just want to sleep more. I am almost done making my agenda for the next month. My bucket list. June will be here faster then I know it and I need to get things going so I don't fall behind. Planning for your future is hard enough, planning your death is even harder. I need to be careful, there are just two people it will be hard to fool, Jett and myself. We are the only two I can see foiling this plan. I knew I could keep up my end of this deal, and I was pretty certain I could ward Jett off if he became to pushy.
April 30, 2013: Tuesday:
The rope. I didn't really have any plans for it other then throwing it away to protect Alana's family from having to deal with it. Her dad called my dad telling him I must have the rope. He didn't care beyond thinking I would use it really, he just wanted to heads up my dad. My dad asked me for it and I gave it to him willingly. "I wasn't going to do anything stupid with that rope dad, I promise." We talked about that for a long two minutes. He agreed, it was a good thing to do but I should have told someone my reasoning. "We worry about you Ce'dric", "I know dad, I know." . I didn't tell him how many times I put that loop around my neck, just to see if I could feel what Alana felt. Now that he has the rope, that won't be something I will be able to do again.
I called Alana's dad and talked to him about it. I apologized. He thanked me for being so thoughtful. I asked if they had cleared out her room yet? No he told me, they just were not ready. I asked if I can come over and take a few things, He said anytime. I would make it over in a couple days I told him. I liked his family, they were kind. I felt badly that they were left wondering what they didn't see so they could help her. I knew the feeling, and I knew I had to wrap up my life so my family understood there was nothing they could do to keep me from her.
May 1, 2013: Wednesday:
I knew of two things for certain when I woke up this morning. 1) my mom would have a May Day basket outside my bedroom door, as was tradition for as far back as I could remember and 2) today I go full force back into life, preparing my family and friends for the beginning of the end of me in their lives.
I don't even feel the need to begin to apologize at this point, just go about showing them how much I love them. The lies will thicken with each smile I share with them now. I have to be as normal as I usually am, but throw in a bit of 'OK, I'm moving on'.
I asked my mom if I could go shopping with her after she got home from work. I told her I could help her carry them in and put them away. I laughed on the outside as I lied on the inside "I think I should get to pick out my favorite snacks for a change, instead of my brothers." She bought that with a smile as big as her heart. I would make this a weekly trip with her, so she had the memory of me filling her cart up with junk, junk she normally wouldn't buy had I not been along.
May 2, 2013: Thursday:
First thing this morning I was up as soon as I heard my dad moving about. He ran every morning like clockwork, today I would ask him if I could run with him. "I need some fresh air and I want to get my lungs back, get ready to skate, I'm out of sync with my body." He bought that with a smile as big as his heart and off we ran, father and son. No words were spoken but I could feel his pride. He would have the memory of the next 30 days of me running by his side, 30 minutes a day of silence, as if all was alright.
Some of the guys stopped by tonight and wanted me to hang. I did, I was happy to, on the outside. On the inside I wanted to be with them a few more times so they would remember me as part of their gang. We bonded on the ice first and became friends fast. I would remind them of how we met and how we formed a brotherhood that would last a life time. I wanted to make sure they never forgot the road that lead us to that brotherhood.
May 3, 2013: Friday:
Tough night this has been, another weekend is here without my sweet girl Alana. I was funked deep, in a mode I could not break. I wanted to just take my girl out for a nice dinner and love her best I could. Instead I went to the cemetery, the resting place that was a pile of dirt a little bigger then the casket they buried under it. No headstone yet I thought to myself, what the hell takes so long for that? I hope that don't hold up my plans any. Plenty of time I thought, I have the whole month of May and then some.
May 4, 2013: Saturday
Headed into week four since Alana left on her own terms. I have no words to how numb my body feels. The last three weeks drug by but I know I have to keep moving. My boys called today looking for me to play some pick up hockey with them. They don't get it so I don't even try to explain. I tell them I have plans with my family. It's a lie, but just a little one. Tonight I told Adrian and Avery I would watch movies with them. A marathon. Popcorn, fudge, cokes, chips, the works. We haven't done this for a while and I knew it would be a good memory for them. It was a good night, lots of laughs, on the outside. Inside the pain is equal to death anyway. Sleep is something I suddenly crave a lot of. Less to deal with.
May 5, 2013: Sunday:
Church. Ugh. Dread this more then anything these days. Sorry Jett.
I met up with my friends Jett and Chad today for a sandwich. It was nice, really, I'm going to miss these boys. I hate that I can't look at anyone anymore without wondering what they are thinking. Probably the only one I know that I trust to speak his mind is Jett. Chad avoided eye contact with me but it was a good sandwich and a nice time. I get more time with my boys this month I just need to be selective about my lies, avoid the rink. It's not hard for me to do, it's hard for them. It's still their reason to live It hasn't been mine since I met Alana. I didn't have to balance my love for the game with her, she stole the show. How I miss her, but knowing I'm headed her way keeps me motivated to end things here before I end it all.
May 6, 2013: Monday:
A run with dad today, he seems to be enjoying running side by side with me. I'm glad I put that on my bucket list to do. Lately we have been sitting in the kitchen after our run drinking an orange juice. Talking. He asks me way to much how I'm doing. He's "happy to see you getting back to life, I know you miss her, but she would want you to go forward." I know dad, I know.
Stevo and Mason stopped by the house today. Skate skate skate. I remember when I lived to skate. These days I live to die. I have great friends and I am now doubting if they will understand why I am leaving them behind soon. My boys remind me of our motto with each other "never trust anyone, not even me. I could tell you the truth or lie like a lazy dog, just to make your day better, or worse." Love my skate boys, some of the funniest crap happens when we get together.
May 7, 2013: Tuesday:
I went to Alana's room today. Her parents have yet to take care of her things. I laid on her bed thinking about the plans we already made for our future together, that is before she left without me. It's ok, we will still be together, just differently. I lifted some things from her room today, I don't think her family would mind, they don't know the meaning behind the things I took. I wanted to tell them "don't worry, these will go exactly where they belong soon".
I look around her room, I will visit it a few more times before I stop coming around. Going there will raise suspicion on how I am doing, or not doing. When I stop coming around and spending time in her room it will show everyone how well I am doing, moving on without her. Lies. Lies. More Lies. But it won't matter in the end. Everyone that loved her felt this same pain and chose to move on. I did not. I will not move on without being with her. So the lies continue.
May 8, 2013: Wednesday:
Mom and I went out to dinner tonight before we grocery shopped. I told her "buy a poor broke kid a meal will ya ma?" She bought right into it. Oh you are doing so well she would tell me. It was a great day with mom and I know she will remember this dinner for a long time. She liked that I flirted with the waitress, or at least acted like I was interested. That was easy but truth be known, I haven't been interested in any other girl on earth since the day I laid eyes on Alana. My heart knew before my mind knew that she was the one. The only one. Sorry mom, but I need you to believe I am trying.
May 9, 2013: Thursday:
Played racquet ball today with Avery. He was surprised when he asked me and I said yes. That made both of us happy. I hate the game he loves. It's his gig and he's a damn good player. I think he gets it more then Adrian. Avery is going on 14 soon and he is noticing girls more and more. So he will understand the whole scene Alana played out and the broken heart inside my chest. He asked me how I was doing. "I'm OK Av, I miss her but I can't bring her back". A lie, but not a real lie. I can't bring her back but I can go to her. Sorry Avery, brother, but my life has become a game so I can meet death.
May 10, 2013: Friday:
F$(#*ing Friday's. It's unbearable and if anyone tells me I will be alright today I could punch them real easily. I'm avoiding Jett on Fridays from here on out. Friday's are like a no lie day zone. I am too close to the truth on Fridays, knowing its one more weekend away from my girl, yet one more weekend closer to her too.
I warded everyone off today, all day. Lied to all of them. Everyone thought I was with someone else so no one bothered me. I was with Alana, or at least her corpse. I love her to much to be mad at her. I wanted to reach down and pull her back out of the earth. It was hard to walk away from her tonight, go lay in my own bed and think about how much I miss her.
I hate the weekends the most. Just a few more.
May 11, 2013: Saturday
It's harder than it seems it would be, to avoid getting back into life but making sure everyone around you thinks you are trying to move on. The lies I am telling are starting to make me lie to myself too. I made sure to call Jett today, tell him I was feeling low. The guy that never lies, I am lying to the most. Its painful to do this, to the one guy that has always been there for all of us boys. Feeling low was the lie, keeping Jett in tune with this charade was the chore.
Me and Addie went to Av's game today. Celebrated his win with a trip to the buffet. Addie would tell mom how much we all ate. What a a way to convince her I was eating good, laughing lots, and having fun again. Its amazing how people are really, like how much they believe the impossible.
I need to keep pushing. I need to keep up the lies. The only thing that was real today was having fun with Addie and Av. The rest of the day was a bust, even though my bucket list is getting shorter. I need to start pushing Alana further back in my mind but its hard to do when she feeds my heart. She is the one that will push me to get done with this game of life.
May 12, 2013: Sunday
A Sunday lie and mom bought it with a shiny silver dollar. Tummy ache mom, I think I ate way to much yesterday. I'll be fine. Go on ahead and I will say my prayers from bed. Took them forever to get out of the house this morning. I went to be with Alana, at least as close as I could. So much left to do I need to get my ass moving on this list.
At least this lonely weekend is gone, over, done with. It didn't pass without pain. I remind myself with each passing weekend, soon will be here, even though it doesn't seem soon enough.
May 13, 2013: Monday
Ran with dad today, Avery ran with us too. Wish I could get Adrian to go too. Would be great father sons memory especially sitting out back after our run for a while, drinking water, talking. Probably the rental units will always be asking me how I'm doing. It's hard dad, but I'm making it. I'm OK mom, I miss her, but I have you. LIES
May 14, 2013: Tuesday
Less and less people around me are asking about me, how I'm doing. No one really talks about Alana anymore except her family. On occasion my dad will talk about her. I wonder how quickly I will be forgotten when I get the hell out of this miserable life. I don't care, I will be with Alana and our together forever plan will be confirmed. Dust in the wind, floating together, souls attached.
Alex, Dylan and Jason made their way over today. Sat out back and lied to them about life. None of them have had a girlfriend for more then a week at a time. They played the bids. Not me, I never rolled in that dust. I have only ever loved Alana. They wont get it until they become consumed with that one girl they would die for. We kicked a ball around the yard, just like the old days. Mom loved feeding my friends, even Dylan who she didn't really care for, not because he wasn't nice, but because he lacked manners. Something only a mom would expect from a hockey boy. She heard the laughs, it had to of convinced her a bit more of me moving on with life.
May 15, 2013: Wednesday
They still haven't made progress on Alana's room. I sat in there for hours today, rummaging through her things. It was like all the pieces of her without a body. I could smell her, I could feel her. I cannot wait to be with her. I stood in the spot under the point of where she hung herself. I closed my eyes to imagine her final thoughts as she slipped the rope around her neck. I remembered the night I gave her the eternity necklace and she assured me she would never go anywhere without it. That wearing it meant I would always be with her. She kept it on that day she dropped herself off that chair to end the misery of inner sadness. I carry it in my pocket these days, because I need to take it with me when I go so she can have it back. I sat on the chair, the chair that last felt the life of my angel, my girl. Lucky chair I thought.
Her sister came and sat on the bed as I rummaged through some drawers. She asked me what I was looking for. Christ, I don't know I wanted to tell her. The truth would be that I wanted to know what I could of done to stop her, the LIE I told was that I was bored and I just thought it would pass time for me. I hope they take their time in removing this piece of Alana from their lives because it was all I had left right now. Soon Alana, soon, but not today.
May 16, 2013: Thursday
If a day could be any bleaker then today I would end it right now. Woke up with a headache that would make a rap songs beat seem like a polka. I still ran with dad today though. I didn't need anyone thinking this was depression. Probably it was, but the only one that needed to know that was me. Well me and Jett, because the lies to him had to be more creative. He questions everything. I had to be a better liar to him because that kid has the purest soul on earth. He can't tell a lie but he can detect them. His girls a lucky girl, he would see in her the troubles of Alana if they were in her. Not me, I was fooled. The fooled has become the fooler.
Adrian came in my room in the middle of the night. He had a nightmare. He thought he could sleep with me better. He asked Avery but Avery told him to go back to bed. Note to me: make sure Avery understands he has to take care of Adrian when no one else can.
May 17, 2013: Friday
Mom was all over my swearing today. You're such a nice young man but you have a potty mouth. Its those boys you hang around with Cedric, you could do better. I know mom, I know. I would improve my language for her sake, so that when I leave she doesn't think 'good Lord that boy could swear'. Would be a better example for my brothers too, not get them at their ages caught up in a pig life style. I would do my part, maybe preach to them a bit about it. Clean language boys, because moms like a nice boy with a clean mouth.
IPOD central today as I get through another weekend without Alana time. My playlist is "Alana" and I listen to it on continue play remembering the reason behind every song we called "our" song. So many poetic lyrics that seemed they were written just for us. I could add 100 songs easy to this list that fit us in a whole new level. I already know this IPOD will be the last thing I touch, when I erase the playlist and leave it on Avery's dresser. It's a bit eerie when I think about that, but he used it more then I did after he broke his. He will appreciate it and always have it to remember me for something more then the arguing we did.
May 18, 2013: Saturday
Family day. We went to Grandma and Grandpa L's house. Big food feast and fun in honor of Grandpa L's 70th birthday. Smiles, laughs, fun with the cousins. No one mentioned Alana or the tragedy of it all. I saw the looks though and I could tell who was talking to my dad about it. I imagined they were asking how I was doing. I've lied so much about that to my parents they are now unknowingly spreading those lies for me.
It was perhaps the longest day yet. No where to go to get away. No where to just sit and relax my mind from the exhausting task of showing how well I am dealing with life. Grandpa L teased everyone how this was the last birthday bash, that it could be the last time we enjoyed cake and ice cream with him. He thought he was joking, if only he knew it would be my last time. I am sure I will see the Grand L's again before I depart this world but I hugged them real tight before we left. Hugs that will get me to where I am going. Hugs I wont ever forget how they felt.
May 19, 2013: Sunday
I'm going to church with Jett today mom. LIE. I'm going to hang out at his house today with the guys mom. LIE. Don't worry mom, they will feed me good. TRUTH. Lie's win again today, I told more lies then I did truths. Sad I know but the truth will NOT set me free, or at least as free as I want to be.
Another stupid weekend passed, another weekend closer to my final destination, my final departure. I remember when the weekends didn't last long enough and flew by with the girl of my dreams, Alana. Now they drag on endlessly, no matter how much I have going on. Just die already is the phrase I say in my mind when I just want crap to go away.
May 20, 2013: Monday
Shoot me dead already. Woke up to a list of chores from mom. Maybe I should of played the sympathy card a bit longer. I got it done though, and more. Today I started clearing my room of crap that doesn't matter. I had to be careful to not remove the stuff that my mom thought matters to me. She would spot that quickly. I couldn't discard my crap in the trash here so I took it to thrift store on the other side of town. I can't wait really, to get to the bare minimum of my belongings. I already had a box in the back of my closet for Addie, stuff he would want I know. I don't know how I got so much closer to him then I have Avery. Going to have to work on that. Just added to a bucket list I was nearly done with. Not my plan but I want Av's to know I love him and this wasn't about him and me.
May 21, 2013: Tuesday
Drove by the rink today. Funny I didn't miss the skating that went on there. What I missed was Alana. It was where I met her. Where I first saw her walking across the lot to open skating. I told the boys that day as I pointed her out "that's her, that's the girl I will marry, just you wait and see". June 22 at 10:15pm, the moment I first laid eyes on that pretty girl with the pretty smile. That's the day that will be etched forever in the minds of everyone I leave behind. Alana made a liar out of me but that's OK, she knows I am on my way. Joe laughed that day at me, I remember how pissed off I got. The rest of the guys just walked away, I'm sure knowing it would never happen. Jett patted me on the back and wished me luck, "girls are worth the pain buddy" he said. Yes, Jett, they are.
May 22, 2014: Wednesday
Dammit, I got into it with mom today. Spending too much time in my room. Quite fighting with your brother. I don't know what Avery's deal is, he is always pushing my buttons. Does he know? Does he suspect? What is this all about with him? I need to try harder with him. I told mom I was sorry, I told Avery I was going to be a better brother to him. He's just different then Addie is. I can't remember when this all started. I wonder if Alana's death has effected him. I have less then a month to figure this out. A small snag in my plans but I can mend this.
May 23, 2014: Thursday
Thirsty Thursday. Hanging with the boys tonight was a bit refreshing. A good get away from my house. First time I consumed since Alana left. The day she swung was the day we were going to celebrate her 21st birthday. Just a month or so shy of the day we met but I couldn't wait anymore. It would be a birthday gift she would never forget. Our first legal drink together, the day I was going to ask her. Pop the questions. Marry me Alana. Nothing spectacular just a question and an answer. We talked about the future together for months.
I cant help but wonder if I went to her that morning would she still of swung to her death that afternoon. She surely did not suspect what was coming right? She wouldn't have done this to us had she known. Why did I wait? Why? I'm sorry Alana, for not being able to save you from the mean girls. I promise you I will not leave until they are haunted through their lives. I've already started that plan, leave them suffering, feeling what they put you through.
May 24, 2014: Friday
I cried all day. All day. The pain in my heart made it bleed through my eyes. I miss her. I need to be with her. It's hard not to leave tonight. Hard to hide the truth tonight but what the hell, let mom and dad see the sad. See the tears. I'm OK mom I promise its just been a long tiring day. Just missing her tonight, you know it's Friday and they are hard for me.
I let her down, as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a future husband to her. I didn't see the any signs to indicate she was unhappy. I don't understand how I missed the broken in the girl I loved with all my heart and soul. In the next 28 days I hope to leave with proof of how one can hide their sadness from those closest to their heart. I want to leave knowing there was nothing I could of done, nothing I could of seen, no sign of the troubles that took my Alana away.
May 25, 2013: Saturday
Went over to Alana's parents house this morning. Her mom called my mom this week to check on me. Told her they want us to know they think of us often and she should tell me I should come over more to visit, They miss me. THEY MISS ME??? They don't know what missing someone is all about. I don't know why I was so angry with them today, its not their fault. It's the mean girls, and the mean girls will have their day.
Still haven't moved a thing from Alana's room. I offered to do it for them. "Let me box up her things for you, at least the clothes. I don't mind really, it will help me I think." Felt good to be telling the truth for a change but it's all for my benefit really so yeah, its another lie. If lying were a paying job I would be a rich SOB by the time I check out. So on Monday I will go over during the day and box up some things and haul them away.
May 26, 2013: Sunday
Going to church with Paulie and his family today mom, he invited me and afterwards I'm eating at their house. Yeah, his parents are some nice people mom. I might hang out with Paulie playing COD or NHL13. LIE, told and sold. I spent the day with the spirit of Alana. Jett was there I could tell, he leaves behind a guitar pick when he leaves. Only guy I know likes to hang at the graveyard.
I wonder when mom will realize I stopped going to church. I wonder if I can convince her for the next 2 Sundays. Of course I will go to mass one last Sunday with them. It will be a great day that day, one they are sure to remember. I'm hoping to be able to go "lie free" for that last week. If I've planned this out well enough, it will be a lie free week.
May 27, 2013: Monday
I slept so good last night knowing today I got to spend the day in Alana's room. No one was going to be home and that made me extremely happy. No one to hang next to me talking my ear off. No one to have to lie to. No one to have to ward off, ask questions. Just me. Me and the room that Alana took her last breath in. I was excited and I know that sounds creepy but I was just excited to get to do this
I touched every piece of clothing Alana owned that was in that room. She was so modest, I loved that about her. Not flashy at all like the mean girls who pushed her to her death. Each time I filled a box I took it down to my truck so when I was done it was off to the thrift store. I wonder if people know they might be wearing dead peoples clothing. I wonder if it would bother them if they knew. I wonder if any of the mean girls will freak out when they find out. I actually just laughed thinking about turning them into the victims to make Alana the victor.
May 28, 2013: Tuesday
Mom and Dad came in my room bright and early today. "Alana's parents called last night. Ce'dric, you didn't have to do that but it was a nice gesture and I am sure they appreciated it more then they can express" I know dad, I know. "I don't know what I would do, that would be so hard to pack up your child's life after such a tragedy." I know mom, I know.
I have to make sure I make this as easy for them as possible. They will have very little to sift through. I'm 99% sure this plan is going to come through for me. So far everything is going as planned. Even Jett is buying into my lies. Dude, I hate doing this to you but its not about you, it's about me and it is what it is. I'm sure he will be the one offering to take care of my room, wrap it up. He's a good pal.
May 29, 2013: Wednesday
Racquet ball with Avery today and me and Adrian went for an after dinner walk. Avery is very athletic, I hope he keeps that up. He's just not a little kid anymore. Hard not to talk to him like he is one. He kicked my butt but he always does. I don't let him either, he's just good. Adrian talks non stop. I love that about him. All the questions in the world and he asks them one right after another. Tonight he asked me why do they put windows on the sides of those houses Ce'dric, All you can see is the house next door and they are so close you can probably touch them. I wish I could answer his questions so he would learn more. Good brother time memories.
Couldn't sleep tonight. Laid in bed for about three hours telling myself to to go to sleep. Close my eyes and I picture Alana which keeps me awake. Guess I will pop in a movie try to drift off. No reason to really, tomorrows just a normal day of telling lies to make everyone believe I'm doing alright.
May 30, 2013: Thursday
Sometimes Avery pushes my last button. I wonder if he even knows he's doing it, or is it on purpose? Always accuses me of being moms favorite. I told him today "she's just worried more about me right now because of Alana. I tell her am OK but she still worries. She loves us all the same." He don't get it, I know I have to just swallow his crap so I don't exit this life with a riff between us. It frustrates me.
I went back over to Alana's house today. They seem to be moving along well without her. It gives me hope that my family will be OK after some grieving. They will all have each other just like Alana's family. I sat in her room and read some of her thoughts in her diary. I haven't yet sat and read it all, I don't need anything to influence my plan one way or another. I skim it. I sift through the pages. I took more of the jewelry I've given her throughout the two years. Simple pieces really, because she liked simple. Nothing flashy that made her stand out in the crowd, even though she always stood out to me in any crowd. I will take the first piece of jewelry I ever gifted her when I go. A simple gold chain, dainty and cute.
Watch out mean girls, our final days together have arrived. You've been so good about keeping me company, texting, calling, whatever you could to let me know how sorry you all are for my loss. Now I get to pay you back and let you know how sorry you should of been.
May 31, 2013: Friday
F@#King Fridays. My heart breaks all over again on the weekends. I wish now that I knew then how short our time would be together. I would have pushed everything out of my life to spend all my days with you, all my nights with you. Giving you just three days a week of my time with you was a joke. "FTB's bullsh@t. Why would I go along with the boys on that one. Jett never did. He realized FTB's would not carry him any further then the next night of rolling bums and preaching to the hookers. I was less interested in life today then ever. Every smile I returned to someone telling me anything to do with the future made me want to swing. I imagined everyone in front of me with a noose around their neck. Just shoot me already. Tonight's the last night I will take the sleeping pills given to me by the therapist I lie to bi-weekly. Paying someone just so you can lie to them. How sad is it to be able to fool your therapist? Makes me laugh really and THAT is no lie. I'm so good at the lying game that sometimes I wonder if I would of made a good lawyer or politician (no offense Mayor Menino).
Last day of this month brings me new hope. I've come this far. 22 more days. Time drags, so does life. I welcome June with open arms and a bleeding heart. Move over Alana, our time is coming.
June 1: Saturday:
A plus from Alana's swing, since the day she swung I have paid closer attention to those around me. I couldn't afford to miss any signs of trouble brewing around me that could foil my plan. I worry more about Avery than anyone. We pick at each other a lot. Push those buttons. Maybe he is right, maybe it is all about mom and each of us wanting more attention than the other. I have 21 days to figure this out.
Today I did Avery's chores for him while he was playing racquet ball with dad. I even popped in his room and made his bed and picked up his laundry. I carefully placed a box of my belongings in his closet today, on top shelf to the back. He won't find it until I'm gone and a note leads him to it. It felt good to get that done today and a bonus great night hanging with him and Adrian, playing games, watching movies. Mom praised him at dinner for not having to be asked to get his laundry gathered up for her. We made eye connections and both knew, without a word, what being brothers meant.
June 2: Sunday
Mom was real happy I got up and went to church with them today. We went out to Sunday brunch, just like we used to. Adrian and Avery and I had a great day today. We all chipped in to get the weekend chores done early and spent the evening just laying around, eating everything we could find, and driving mom and dad nuts. Great family day. Memories were made. Laughter echoed throughout the house. It was as if things were going to be OK, and they are, just my kind of OK.
June 3: Monday
I got a lot accomplished today in my room. Tomorrow I'm going over to help Alana's dad clear the rest of the things from her room. I see how hard it is for her family to try and decide what to do with her things. I have taken everything I wanted from her room and I have given almost everything I want to give from my room away. It seems daily I am giving Adrian things he asks for and still make it look like nothing is up. I keep my door open now whether I am in it or not. Mom doesn't ever come in anymore, she just walks by and that must satisfy her in her efforts to keep us clean. I even convinced Adrian and Avery we should just go down and get our own laundry to put away, mom really shouldn't have to haul everything up for us.
June 4: Tuesday
F^&%, it was hard today. Not for me. I miss Alana but I'm 18 days away from soaring to her. To see the pain in her Dad is just sad. I know that will happen when I go but I know my family loves me enough to take a bit of pain for me so I can be happy again. Alana's dad just didn't know what to do. We boxed up the rest of Alana's life and I hauled it away. The furniture would stay and next weekend her mom and sister would turn it into a guest room.
It was the saddest day since she left me, seeing her family still full of sadness. It's because they didn't know, because they didn't have a clue she was wanting to leave. I felt for them, I really did. It must be hard. In one week that room will be done and they can continue to move on, to heal.
I have ignored my celly for three days now. Tomorrow I will have to make sure everyone knows s@#t's good. More and more of the guys are contacting me less and less. Not Jett, daily texts and a few messages. Mom said he's stopped by a couple times. I suppose a walk in the park rolling bums and preaching to hookers are in order.
June 5: Wednesday
I can't stay way from the grave. I could just lay there until I die. I find myself digging into the dirt with my fingers as if I could get her back by digging deeper. I can tell when others have been there and wonder who it was. I know when its Jett because he leaves snapped guitar strings and picks. I know when its her family because they clean up around the site and hang a fresh balloon. Today someone left a little angel doll. The other day someone left a plant. It's nice they come to honor her memory and spirit. She deserves it, and she deserves to have been treated better when she was alive.
Mean girls/hockey pigs. A cruel piece of the world.
June 6: Thursday:
Everything is right on schedule. Starting next week everyone will see the old Cedz prior to Alana's death. Spend a decent amount of time with my family and friends. Big family reunion weekend Sat and Sun. See lots of them for the last time in a long time. Get things lined up with the mean girls that kicked the chair out from under my sweet Alana.
June 7: Friday:
Tomorrow I will start writing letters to my family. I know it wont take away the pain, or probably even ease the pain but my hope is they will find it in their hearts to understand this is not about them, this is about me and my love for Alana, the girl I was going to marry.
I hung out with Jett today, we met up with the boys for a game of football. I laugh. Jett and football is like me and dancing, not meant to be. But to get in one last dog pile on top of that sissy was sweet. Kid's weak, and slow, but when I'm standing at the pearly gates, it's his name I'm using to trump the gate keeper into letting me in. It was good to see the boys, see how they are all doing right now. Someone needs to keep an eye on Pauly, he's acting like a Connor.
Last official piece of earthly business is the mean girls. Planned to be executed in one week, just putting on the finishing touches of the haunt I will leave behind in them. Only giving them back the treatment they give others. Time to break that gaggle of girls up.
June 8: Saturday:
14 days left on earth. Today my paternal grandparents had a family reunion out at their spread. Packed like sardines but seemed everyone was having fun. Cousins making plans for college, high school, grade school. I'm the only skater in a family full of athletes, or at least I was. I haven't been on skates since Alana died. It's difficult to go back to that lot, the lot I first saw her. The rink where I first talked to her. The ice that I first skated on with the girl I was making my own. I will visit the rink one last time before I go be with Alana.
Avery and Adrian will have lots of cousins, right around their own ages, to help them through life. Avery understands his role in Adrian's life, he told me on the ride home "I'm going to be a better big brother to Addie then you are." Well said Avery, you win. You had no clue when you said that how right you are. Be for Addie everything you have ever wanted me to be to you. You aren't just going to be a great big brother, you were the best little brother a big brother could have.
I'm going to miss Grandma and Grandpa L, They have never looked at me as if I were not their real grandson. The baking lessons, the fishing trips, the love they have shown me, mean the world to me and I am sure to my mom too. I hope I've done a great job showing you my appreciation and love for your kindness and guidance you've given me along the way.
June 9: Sunday:
13 more days before I see those pearly gates. We all met back at my grandparents for a big breakfast before everyone travels home and we settle back into our lives a little happier and a lot more appreciative of the family we have in our lives.
What a great support system my family will have in a couple weeks when they all get together again. I was thankful for this opportunity to be in their lives one more time playing ball, eating fat, and hanging together laughing and reliving some of the best times of our lives. Not one mention of Alana. Not one "how you doing, you doing alright" from anyone. It was perfect and sweet. If Alana or my well being were on their minds they didn't show it. It made my heart feel good, knowing how quickly the pain and sorrow leaves their souls as time carries on.
Again on the ride home, me and my brothers talked non stop about the fun our family has when we all get together. "It's the food that makes them all happy", Avery would say. "It's the games we play that makes everyone so happy," Addie would say. "It's the love," my mom would say as my dad agreed. In my mind I say "It's knowing I'm heading out, going to be with Alana that makes me happy." Inside I smile because I have missed her so (soul) and her spirit.
June 10: Monday
12 more days until I depart. The next several days they will lay witness to how well I am doing since the day Alana swung from earth to heaven. They will remember who I was before she left and see that kid again, before he leaves to be with her.
Mom thought my appetite was back full force today as she served us stacks of pancakes and orange juice this morning. We all head out to start our days and would be together at the dinner table, ready for another huge meal that would surly show how back into life I am. Just as planned, dinner was served and as we recapped my day that put smiles on my parents faces I was happy that I told no lies today. I did play touch football with the guys, we did eat at the china buffet, and we did get run off Boylston Street by a foot cop trying to keep order that we were disrupting.
June 11: Tuesday
11 more days and I'm down and out of this world. A morning run with Dad, helped mom with breakfast dishes, took out the trash complaining it was Addie's turn. I am sure my mom will not miss chore complaints but I am sure Avery and Addie wont be happy to have to split up the chores I leave behind.
Dad thought it was funny when I told him about my day. Again, no lies had to be told. I headed to Cambridge to work out with Skylar and Tyler at their home gym. We raided their fridge and ate the fruit and fruit dip their mom made for her card party for later that afternoon. Didn't see the note not to eat it until we pulled out the last bowl of fruit. She really should have put the note on the front bowl and she would not have had to come up with a different plan. She scolded all three of us, and didn't hold back on me. My dad laughed until he had tears and my mom sympathized with their mom, because how many times have me and my buddies done that to her?
June 12: Wednesday
10 more days until showdown. Ate a hearty breakfast that made my mom wonder which of my legs was suddenly hallow. "Good thing its grocery shopping night", she said. Avery asked me if I wanted to throw in some tennis, Addie asked me if I wanted to play NHL 13. Yes to both, because I was keeping a clear slate on lying this week. It was fun, spending time with both of them this afternoon. Addie mentioned it first ,'"It sure is good to see you like us again Ce'dric." Then Avery, "yeah for a while there we wondered if you thought you were too good to hang with us." I assured them both that our parents were paying me to hang with them today, not something I wanted to do, but was not going to pass up that money. We all laughed at that conversation, because the last time we went through this was the week before Alana died. It was an ongoing joke between us, how our parents paid us to love each other.
June 13: Thursday
9 days to go, before I'm gone. Woke up with Addie in my bed. He hasn't done that for a long time. He said he was watching the SAW series and got scared and Avery told him to go to bed when he tried to sleep with him. I didn't mind but I had to remind him mom wouldn't be happy he watched those. We decided to go down and make eggs, turkey links, hash browns and oatmeal for breakfast for everyone.
Took Avery and Addie to the movies tonight, dads treat. He always gave us enough money for enough food to feed a hockey team. And we used it all. Went to the arcade after the movie. Its been a long time since I did that but Addie's the gamer of the family and he always has his eye on something behind the ticket counter. Avery likes it too but he acts like he doesn't. He's at that age where he thinks about his age and is he doing all the right age appropriate things. The teen years, yeah I remember those. We sat at the mall court before going home just shooting the S#@T. Everyone always guesses we are brothers, not because we look alike but because why else would a preteen, a teen and a twenty something be hanging out together. Brothers, they turn out to be the best friends you will ever have.
June 14: Friday
8 days left. I am not afraid. I am not sad. I am not happy. I barely just am. I have been numb from life since Alana took her own life. The closer I get to my destination the more peace I find. I can't help but lay in bed and think about Alana's last days. Obviously she was careful to plan out her final days. I think back to see if I can remember any signs I may I have missed. I did not. The most loyal loving girlfriend a guy could hope to find fooled the one guy that was willing to wait to have her on their wedding night. I could not have stopped her I tell myself as I look back. It doesn't make it any less painful that she is gone, but I am leaving to be with her understanding that she waned to go, and she went. So when my friends read this diary, and I know it will hit the stands, you have to know that there was nothing you could of done to prevent me from walking out on life.
Jett, you have been the most loyal friend to all of us boys. Don't change a thing man, don't play the blame game. You will be pissed, beyond this world, but I offer no apology to you for leaving. I do apologize for how you will blame yourself for this. Don't be a dickie-doo, accept my decision to go be with my love. I know you understand the heart more then anyone and brother, pray hard I get past the gates so I can be with Alana and find my dad.
Mayson, stop F@(King crying man. Get over this fast. This is the one and only thing in my life that I did not share with you. Forgive me if you can, if you can't, so be it buddy, but move on. You were a stand up friend and always there when I needed you the most. I know this is hard on you and I know you want the days of yesterday back. It's not about you. I'll see you at you end of time and we'll party like rock stars.
No lies at all today, again, it felt good. Avoidance is the key but I have lied so well they all seems to think I'm over her. No one asks anymore so I don't have to lie. Tomorrows the big Mean Girl revenge plans. Do I feel bad for what I will do to them, no, at least not any more remorseful then they have been about Alana swinging away from them. NO LIE. It begins tomorrow.
June 15, 2013 Saturday:
Mean Girl 1 - Today I had lunch with Suzie. She was excited when I asked her if she wanted to meet up. "You've been such a great support for me through this all, let my repay you with lunch." LIE LIE LIE. Listening to her talk about herself made me want to stab myself in the ears with my fork and hers. I kept track of our hour and half lunch. We spent a good 10 minutes on how I was doing and the next 80 minutes covering how special she is to the world. SHOOT ME DEAD. When I pull that trigger I will be reliving this lunch. How I did not just die of boredom I will never know.
I made a date with Suzie to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Suzie, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Suzie a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. A musical note I had given to Alana as a trinket representing all the love songs we shared between us, but I did not tell Suzie that.
June 16, 2013 Sunday:
Mean Girl 2 - I saw Staci today. I went to the mass her and her family go to. I invited myself to sit with her through mass. I wasn't surprised when her dad asked me to join them for Sunday dinner, in fact, I was banking on it. Staci lectured me on moving on, she was sorry about Alana but I am young and I should get back into life, move forward, I had a lot of life ahead of me. I invited Staci to come back over to my house for the evening. We could sit on the deck and have a beer, talk about things. Blah blah blah, how can one girl have so much to say and it amount to a big pile of nothing.
I made a date with Staci to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Staci, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Staci a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An anchor I had given to Alana that represented our love for each other and nothing could make that love drift away.
June 17, 2013 Monday:
Mean Girl 3 - I stopped in Starbucks this morning. "Oh hey Tayna, I didn't know you worked here. How you been? Thanks for the cards you send to cheer me up." LIAR LIAR "Oh hell Tayna who knew right? Some people just can't deal, just like you said. She had everything to live for and then she did this to 'us'. "Oh good too see you too, sure, lets meet up sometime soon. Hey, you want to grab a bite to eat tonight, catch up? We met at Olive Garden. Tayna had no problem telling me how selfish she thought it was of Alana to do this to me. She thought Alana loved me bigger then that. I wished I had brought a pair of invisible ear plugs with me.
I made a date with Tayna to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Tayna, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Tayna a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An ice skate I had given to Alana that represented what brought us together, that first night I laid eyes on her.
June 18, 2013 Tuesday:
Mean Girl 4 - Allison. The last and the meanest of the gaggle that pushed Alana to swing. ring ring "hey Allison, its Ce'dric. I was going through my year book (lie) yesterday and read what you wrote (truth). Do you remember? LOL (lie) yeah, "Ce'dric the Welsh, you crushed my heart so many times but I'm happy we could stay friends. Love your future, Ali". "Well I was thinking, if you're still single, maybe we could go out on a date. I'd like to catch up (lie). "ahhh, well I'm flattered (lie). "You want to grab lunch today? My treat?" We met at Dawg's and while Allison filled me in on everything I've missed in the 23 years of her life I chocked down a hotdog. I thanked Allison for being such a good friend to me since 4th grade where we first met.
I made a date with Allison to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Allison, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Allison a thing gold chain with a single charm on it. A rainbow that represented to Alana that I loved her just the way she was and she would always be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbows.
June 19, 2013 Wednesday:
I surprised myself with these plans. Everything is going as planned, and it had to be executed so perfectly to keep it going. Got the mean girls lined up for Saturday night. A few more things to accomplish so I can carry out my plan for as Jett would say, my final breath, "beyond a breath of life". Share my story Jett, so the boys get it. I know you will do me justice even through your pissed off state of mind.
It's hard to describe the peace I feel in my heart. No fear at all. No anxiety over what's coming. I imagine this to be how Alana felt the last few days of her life. Places to go and people to see. Sharing a little piece of life with you from my teen years. The struggles I faced back then seemed so real, so devastating to me at the time. Looking back they were nothing. They were not even life or death issues. You look at your options, you choose the best possible one for the outcome you are looking for. The letters I have written to those who I felt I should leave some sort of reasoning to my decision to explains a bigger portion of the pain I carry inside of me. They will understand, I hope, that the only happiness left for me is miles away in a place I have been ensured will accept me, no matter what my sin to get there was.
It is what it is, and that is what it will be.
June 20, 2013 Thursday:
My happiness is no longer just knowing I will soon be with Alana. Much of my happiness comes from the smiles the laughs and the friendships of those that cared enough to check in on me. Those that know the pain, have faced the pain, and have found resolution in dealing with that at earths level. Those that I know, in time, will understand and accept the dark side of the Ce'dric they have never gotten to see prior to pulling the trigger. You meant the world to me, but Alana means more to me at a higher view of the world.
Once you accept this decision I have made for what it is, I will dust you with happiness that you feel and recognize as mine. I will send you breezes in the wind that will remind you of who I was and where I went. The sunny days belong to me, the storms will never touch me again.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, spread me where I find the most peace, over Alana. Where I went to leave you is where I want you to leave me.
June 21, 2013 Friday:
Suzie, Stacey, Tayna, Allison. Ready girls? In less then 24 hours you will learn something about yourselves, your friendships with each other, and in the end, who wins. In less then 24 hours you will discover what is important in life comes from inside our hearts. In less then 24 hours you will be standing in the parking lot where I met Alana, wondering why you are all there, and I am not. You will all receive the same letter inside an envelope with each of your names on them, expecting what you want, and not liking what you get.
"Mean Girls: I sentence you in the death of not only Alana, but also myself, Ce'dric. Each of you for the past week has been wearing a gold chain with a single charm that you think I chose just for you. I chose those charms for Alana and they represent the most important moments of my life with her. Last week I sought each of you out and what I need you to understand is the times I spend individually with each of you was as painful to me as your bullying was to Alana. I consider each visit with each of you big wastes of my time. The compliments were lies. The smiles were lies. The laughs were lies. There was nothing real in those 'dates'. They were as fake and made up as the four of you.
Here is what you should know about your friendship with each other:
Suzie: Your gaggle doesn't come to your house because it is not classy enough for them. You should not even be 'one of them' is what I was told. They keep you around because your mom sells Mary Kay makeup and you supply them with it for free. According to them you should be embarrassed that your mom even has to help supply income for you and your family to live in such a dump of a house. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Stacey: I found out that you are the willing girl of your gaggle. When I heard that I laughed at the names they rattled off. You lied to them. I know 6 of the 12 guys they said you slept with. So I know at least half of them were lies. Guys talk girls, and had any of that been true I would of know about it 2 seconds after the fact. Here's what your gaggle don't know. Let me just say Wild Bill. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Tanya: Tanya Tanya Tanya. I never touched you. You would not be worth the sin. Your gaggle bought that one off you and through the conversation about it, I am sure you are the main reason Alana was not accepted into your gaggle. It pains me to think anyone, including your gaggle, would believe that about me, but I'm laughing now. I bet you are not. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Allison: Do you think your gaggle knows about their brothers and why you actually formed this gaggle? Where one of you lied about doing it, you were the one that lied about not. Why is that girl? Is it because you wanted to be more like Alana? Could it be that you pushed her to swing because she was who you could never be? Fill your gaggle in on the nights you couldn't hang out with them because you were out with someone else's boyfriend. Yeah, the guys talk about you, just like you want them to. But they have nothing to say much more then you're a desease carrying swap donkey. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Well you might have guessed by now that I am not showing up. I am with Alana, taking my final breath on earth. You are guilty of two deaths, Romeo and Juliet, and your sentence is to be served out on earth, long lives, where you will see bits and pieces of the destruction you left behind in your walks of shame. You will see reminders everywhere and you will have to live with them haunting you for years to come. And when the day arrives for you to rest in peace, you will never find the peace you want. Stay mean, girls, its what you do best. See you never. ~ Keeper of no secrets, Ce'dric"
June 22, 2010. It was a Tuesday and me and the boys loaded up in a couple cars and headed off to the rink. Free skating for fun. We liked free skating on the ice every now and then verses the grind of playing a game of hockey. No rules, no penalty's, no pressures, no fights.
It is the day I first laid eyes on Alana and for the next almost three years we would be exclusive to each other in our love for one another. Three years from that date I find myself anxiously waiting for tonight when I will join my sweet Alana and the plan that was crushed on earth will thrive in heaven, where we will spend a promise to each of eternity together.
June 22, 2013. It is Saturday and I have waited for this day to arrive for weeks. Carefully planned and well executed thus far. Today I will spend the entire day with my family, celebrating my mom's birthday. It sucks really that the day so special for me in my life happens to fall on the day of my mom's birthday. That is the only thing I will apologize to anyone for. I'm sorry mom, that it has to end today. You are my world, but Alana is my universe.
My agenda is in place for today.
Make breakfast with my brothers for our parents, our first gift to mom. CHECK
A small luncheon with some close friends of my mom to celebrate her day. CHECK
Cake and ice cream to top off our day together as a family before Mom and Dad head out for the evening. CHECK
Our final gift to mom was a dinner and a movie to follow, just her and dad, out on the town. CHECK
A goodbye to Avery and Adrian for the evening. I have a few errands to run. Be good, be in bed before mom and dad get home. CHECK
Put the letters a wrote to them each on moms dresser so they will find them in the morning. CHECK
Leave moms special birthday gift from me on her dresser, a CD of our life since we got to Boston. CHECK
Drive to the rink where I will leave my truck with the letters for each mean girl on the windshield. CHECK
Take a cab to Alana's grave site.CHECK
Leave this world in search of the girl I lost, so we can be together forever ...
... CHECKING OUT.
The following journal that begins on April 14, 2013 was written by a very good friend to me, Ce'dric. This journal continues through June 22, 2013 and logs the final days of a young man's life who began to die the day he begin writing it. His girlfriend of nearly three years took her own life on her 21st birthday, April 13, 2013. He was dying of a broken heart and found peace in numbering his days until he would join her in death.
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It is what it is, let it be." ~ Ce'dric
April 14, 2013: Somber Sunday:
My first text yesterday went to my sweet Alana. "Happy 21st Birthday baby, I cannot wait to take you on your first legal age birthday date." The last text I received from the love of my life was simple and sweet, just like my girl. "I love you Ce'dric, and I always will."
Alana baby, I am so sorry. Not because I lost you, but because you were lost and I did not see that. You took away all our dreams and hopes and plans for a lifetime together. I told you once I loved you enough to die for you, today I get to prove this to you. It won't be long baby and we will continue our lifetime of happiness together.
I broke my leg once, and thought that no pain could be worse than that. Then I cracked two ribs and knew at that moment I was wrong, the pain was even worse. Through all the injuries I suffered playing sports throughout the years, nothing compares to the pain of a broken heart. I cannot live with an injury I cannot mend. Today I will begin to tie up all the lose ends in my life and one day soon I will weep no more, for Alana will once again be in my arms.
April 15, 2013: Mourning Monday:
Everyone is telling me how horrible and sad they are for not only Alana's death but for the loss of her in my life. I want to tell them to take the pain and the fear inside of them over this and times that by a trillion, and they will touch a very small portion of the pain in my heart. I know they mean well, and I know they are struggling for something to say. It is OK I tell them, this pain will soften as the days go by and when the time is right our hearts will be together again in a world free of sadness and sorrow.
My mom hurts deep for my heart and the pain inside of me. I want to tell her to worry less about me because I will soon find a way to be with Alana forever and when I go, she will understand, both the pain of a broken heart and my need to move on.
April 16, 2014: Tragic Tuesday:
I visited Alana's family today for the first time since her death. They are such kind people and I know the pain I see in their eyes and they feel in their hearts. They are lucky I think to myself, they got to spend Alana's last day on earth with her. She planed it well, on her 21st birthday, to let them know how much she loved them and appreciated them in her life. They were happy for those final memories of happiness in the life of their daughter, their sister, who hid from them the pain in her life and though it did not help comfort their lost, it left a true impression of who Alana was to them.
I sat in her bedroom for a couple of hours, looking at the remnants of the girl who promised me that one day we would marry and raise a family equally as well as both of us were raised. With God in our lives to guide us through difficult times. I looked up at the rope that still hung from her closet door that she used to end the pain inside of her that she shielded so easily from those close to her. "Where was God in your life on Saturday Alana, when you let go of your heart?".
As I sat there trying not to be angry I had a text come through. "Ceddy, you better not be sitting around wondering where your friends are today. " It was Jett, the modern day Jesus on earth. My friend, the kid who never gives up, never looks back. I should of known if I was questioning God he would come through. I met him at Froggy Pond, the park we hung out at when we wanted to get the world's troubles off our backs.
April 17, 2013: Wicked Wednesday:
I am impatient and angry today. Angry at Alana for going without me. I love her still as much as I did the day she killed herself but the selfishness in me is getting the best of me today. Why not include me? Why not let me come with you now? Why did you want to go alone? Impatient with her family who cannot seem to find a way to get her quickly rested at peace. The sooner we get that ball rolling the sooner I can tie up all my loose ends and be with her.
April 18, 2014: Terrible Thursday:
Finally, the arrangements are made. Alana will soon be resting at peace, with a angel like service and a final burial that will allow me to go on with my plans. I will join her soon and we will comfort each other for those we miss on earth and those that will miss us.
Man, mom's going to be angry as she has ever been with me. I know my dad will keep my family going, he will find a way. Adrian and Avery, guys, you are my best friends and when all you have left is each other you have to understand this was not about you, or mom, or dad. It is about me and Alana and our life time together.
April 19, 2014: Frightening Friday:
I am anxious and nervous and sad all at once. I am a ball of emotions that I cannot shake. Tonight I will see Alana for the final time on earth and even though it is her corpse and I know her soul is hovering around above me, I know it will be difficult to see my beautiful Alana laid out in a casket that is her refuge from a world that could not protect her. Tonight I will kneel in prayer for forgiveness for the path I am on that will once again take me to Alana's side.
April20, 2014: Saturday's Service:
True to life my boys will have my back today as I walk away from the cemetery that will hold my bride-to-be's body forever. Little do they know this is where they can find me soon, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, over the grave of a love lost soon to be found and reunited again.
Last night was so bad. All the weeping hearts left behind. No one could find the right words to say, no one could look in anyone else's eyes. Except Jett, my boy was right by my side the entire service. My other boys lingered for a few minutes and left. I know its hard. I remember Connors funeral services. I'm ready for today, I'm ready to see my final resting place that I will move to very soon.
April 20, 2013: Saturday Night:
Nothing says real more then a casket being lowered down into the earth. I knew it was real, but seeing that today confirmed what I will have to do if I want to be with Alana. She is loved by so many people, how could you not see this Alana? The pain at mass today was about as unbearable as the pain in my heart. All I could think about was they would do this all in a couple months when I join you again. How sad for them, how spectacular for us.
I watched Avery and Adrian as they sat through mass, confused and sad for me. I will make sure they both know before I leave that this is not the end, that it will be the beginning. My boys were there in numbers today and that meant a lot to me. The respects they paid as they lowered your casket were appreciated. They loved her because I loved her. They will know. They will understand.
April 21, 2013: Sunday:
My heart is starting to feel empty now. My sadness seems to be stable. I think its because I am going to see her soon, sooner then I should yet not soon enough. More grief at mass today. More condolences from our church family. More lies really, about how this was by God's design and how I will be OK and how time will mend my aching heart. I smile and thank them for their kind lies, knowing that it will be sooner then they think.
Alana's mom sobbed frequently as her dad comforted her today. Her sister and brother sat in silence missing her, probably wondering what they could have done to keep her here. I will make sure Avery and Adrian know there is nothing they did, or could do, that would keep me from going to be with my love.
April 22, 2013: Monday:
Jett texts me every damn day. I didn't think about his pull with heaven and his spiritual being. He can't foil my plan but he talks a great game. I will miss his preaching to me and the boys about life and how important it is to stay on the right side of the sidewalk.
I can't seem to get my legs going yet, get back on the ice. It's where I met her, its where I fell in love with her. The boys are begging me but I need time to tie my loose ends up. Frankly I don't even want to skate again, ever.
Mom asks me all the time if I am doing OK. White lies keep her off my back for now. My family is trying to fill the void left behind by Alana. Adrian told me he loved me today, first thing. "I love you Ceddy". First thing he usually tells me in the mornings is to not drink all the milk. Makes me laugh at that memory, once in his ten years of life have I drank the last of the milk before he got his coco puffs and that was 3 years ago. Today he stopped his tradition of acting angry over it. He sealed up that memory for me and it will travel with me to this afterlife I hear about.
April 23, 2013: Tuesday:
I stayed up late last night with my dad. I wanted to express to him how important he has been my life. How I never refer to him as my step dad. He is the only dad I have ever known. I told him I have never felt he treated me differently even though he was tough on me about being a big brother and setting a good example. I admire George, he's a step up father who keeps our family focused and moving. I thanked him for his support through losing Alana and let him know I wanted to spend more time with him one on one. I hate I will disappoint him on the big brother end but he will understand, after all he is the one that told me "this will not be your first broken heart, or the last friend you lose". It will George, it will be my only broken heart and it will be the last person I lose. I just need to stay focused and avoid getting back into life on earth.
April 24, 2013: Wednesday:
I struggled to get out of bed today. I felt like I had an anchor in my chest weighing me down. I reminded myself it was just a heavy broken heart and then I told myself to act like this was last summer when Alana and her family went on that two week cruise and I was stranded here without her. Mason and Tanner stopped by this morning, trying to drag me to skate. We sat out back on the patio for a couple hours catching up on what I have been missing out on. The stories are always funny but laughing on the outside was masking what I wasn't caring about on the inside.
It's not hard to fool people that you are not in the walk of life anymore. I can see how easily Alana fooled me about happiness. She never gave anyone reason to be suspicious and either will I. My boys left knowing I was doing alright and I will skate with them soon. After a while they will give up asking and just move on, because that is the easy thing to do. I like that about my boys. If I need them they will be there, if they don't hear from me I'm doing OK. Except for my pesky friend Jett, the modern day Jesus, he checks in at least 2x a day.
April 25, 2012: Thursday:
Alana's mom called me this morning and invited me to dinner. "We love you Ce'dric and we want you to remain a part of our lives". I thanked her and promised her I would make my way over but today I promised the boys I would skate and I was going to hang out with my brothers. A lie. Much like the lies everyone was telling me about how the pain would go away. Not said to be harmful but more to be comforting. I realized at that moment I would live out the remainder of my time on earth telling lies, to avoid the truth.
April 26, 2013: Friday:
Fridays really are the worst days for me right now. The weekend was were Alana and I would find time to be together. I had games on Fridays and Saturdays at night she would come to and during the day on Saturday and Sunday I would hang out with her and her family at her siblings sporting events. Sometimes I would drag Adrian along after he begged me. But always it would be the weekends where Alana and I would get our time together beyond texting and skyping. Today seemed like it was not going to end well. My body just would not motivate itself to do much more then lay around the house. Mom telling me to snap out of this, that I cannot go through life doing nothing. "I know mom, I know", I would say back.
I knew I had to get moving on my plans. Spend more time with my brothers to make sure when I leave they function better without me then I am without Alana. They are young, they will recover quicker then I am. They will have reasons to live beyond their pain. My boy Jett would save me a lot from this feeling without even knowing it, texting me several times a day, reminding me to keep up the pace of life so everyone would stay off my back about getting back into the game.
April 27, 2013: Saturday:
I stopped by Alana's families house today. It would be two weeks ago she died, one week ago she was laid to rest. It was a nice visit, I missed them. Such good people. We talked about what we have all been up to. More lies from me, I took it they were telling the truth. Hugs and tears and smiles. I didn't mind the memories of talking about Alana and the past and it seemed to help her parents.
They were nice about me asking if I could spend a few moments in Alana's room. Her dad reminded me that it has remained untouched for now. That in the next few weeks they would be in there and take care of what they could. It must be horrible for them all to walk by that door everyday and feel the emptiness of the room where they lost her. I won't go out like that, I will leave the house and not leave that feeling there for them.
I sat on her bed, as I had once before, looking at the rope she used to end her pain. I took it down, I thought that might be helpful to her family, to rid them of that ghostly task. I put the loop around my neck to see what that felt like. I tightened it, again, to feel what Alana might have felt if even for only a few seconds. I could end this right now I thought, but I have to get my family set, I have to finalize some things in my life so they will not have to sit and go through this like Alana'a family will. I would be back to this room again soon, but for now I opened her window and threw the rope out where I could retrieve it before I left. I shut her door behind me and whispered to her spirit "see you soon baby".
April 28, 2013: Sunday:
Mass. I should be more excited then I am to go today. But it seems pointless to me. Sit in a church pew with my family across from Alana's family, everyone looking, everyone thinking about what they should say. It is becoming a bore to me. I do wish people would shut up and move on like they are telling me I should. The words mean less and less to me and I just want to scream "I'm leaving too so save your breath". I'm not angry, I'm not tired, I'm not anything. I just want to be left more and more alone as the days pass.
April 29, 2013: Monday:
My celly beeps. It's not even 6am. I know it's Jett. "lets go workout". I ignore it as if I didn't hear it. He's starting to push me to get back in the rink. I will hear about this later but today I just want to sleep more. I am almost done making my agenda for the next month. My bucket list. June will be here faster then I know it and I need to get things going so I don't fall behind. Planning for your future is hard enough, planning your death is even harder. I need to be careful, there are just two people it will be hard to fool, Jett and myself. We are the only two I can see foiling this plan. I knew I could keep up my end of this deal, and I was pretty certain I could ward Jett off if he became to pushy.
April 30, 2013: Tuesday:
The rope. I didn't really have any plans for it other then throwing it away to protect Alana's family from having to deal with it. Her dad called my dad telling him I must have the rope. He didn't care beyond thinking I would use it really, he just wanted to heads up my dad. My dad asked me for it and I gave it to him willingly. "I wasn't going to do anything stupid with that rope dad, I promise." We talked about that for a long two minutes. He agreed, it was a good thing to do but I should have told someone my reasoning. "We worry about you Ce'dric", "I know dad, I know." . I didn't tell him how many times I put that loop around my neck, just to see if I could feel what Alana felt. Now that he has the rope, that won't be something I will be able to do again.
I called Alana's dad and talked to him about it. I apologized. He thanked me for being so thoughtful. I asked if they had cleared out her room yet? No he told me, they just were not ready. I asked if I can come over and take a few things, He said anytime. I would make it over in a couple days I told him. I liked his family, they were kind. I felt badly that they were left wondering what they didn't see so they could help her. I knew the feeling, and I knew I had to wrap up my life so my family understood there was nothing they could do to keep me from her.
May 1, 2013: Wednesday:
I knew of two things for certain when I woke up this morning. 1) my mom would have a May Day basket outside my bedroom door, as was tradition for as far back as I could remember and 2) today I go full force back into life, preparing my family and friends for the beginning of the end of me in their lives.
I don't even feel the need to begin to apologize at this point, just go about showing them how much I love them. The lies will thicken with each smile I share with them now. I have to be as normal as I usually am, but throw in a bit of 'OK, I'm moving on'.
I asked my mom if I could go shopping with her after she got home from work. I told her I could help her carry them in and put them away. I laughed on the outside as I lied on the inside "I think I should get to pick out my favorite snacks for a change, instead of my brothers." She bought that with a smile as big as her heart. I would make this a weekly trip with her, so she had the memory of me filling her cart up with junk, junk she normally wouldn't buy had I not been along.
May 2, 2013: Thursday:
First thing this morning I was up as soon as I heard my dad moving about. He ran every morning like clockwork, today I would ask him if I could run with him. "I need some fresh air and I want to get my lungs back, get ready to skate, I'm out of sync with my body." He bought that with a smile as big as his heart and off we ran, father and son. No words were spoken but I could feel his pride. He would have the memory of the next 30 days of me running by his side, 30 minutes a day of silence, as if all was alright.
Some of the guys stopped by tonight and wanted me to hang. I did, I was happy to, on the outside. On the inside I wanted to be with them a few more times so they would remember me as part of their gang. We bonded on the ice first and became friends fast. I would remind them of how we met and how we formed a brotherhood that would last a life time. I wanted to make sure they never forgot the road that lead us to that brotherhood.
May 3, 2013: Friday:
Tough night this has been, another weekend is here without my sweet girl Alana. I was funked deep, in a mode I could not break. I wanted to just take my girl out for a nice dinner and love her best I could. Instead I went to the cemetery, the resting place that was a pile of dirt a little bigger then the casket they buried under it. No headstone yet I thought to myself, what the hell takes so long for that? I hope that don't hold up my plans any. Plenty of time I thought, I have the whole month of May and then some.
May 4, 2013: Saturday
Headed into week four since Alana left on her own terms. I have no words to how numb my body feels. The last three weeks drug by but I know I have to keep moving. My boys called today looking for me to play some pick up hockey with them. They don't get it so I don't even try to explain. I tell them I have plans with my family. It's a lie, but just a little one. Tonight I told Adrian and Avery I would watch movies with them. A marathon. Popcorn, fudge, cokes, chips, the works. We haven't done this for a while and I knew it would be a good memory for them. It was a good night, lots of laughs, on the outside. Inside the pain is equal to death anyway. Sleep is something I suddenly crave a lot of. Less to deal with.
May 5, 2013: Sunday:
Church. Ugh. Dread this more then anything these days. Sorry Jett.
I met up with my friends Jett and Chad today for a sandwich. It was nice, really, I'm going to miss these boys. I hate that I can't look at anyone anymore without wondering what they are thinking. Probably the only one I know that I trust to speak his mind is Jett. Chad avoided eye contact with me but it was a good sandwich and a nice time. I get more time with my boys this month I just need to be selective about my lies, avoid the rink. It's not hard for me to do, it's hard for them. It's still their reason to live It hasn't been mine since I met Alana. I didn't have to balance my love for the game with her, she stole the show. How I miss her, but knowing I'm headed her way keeps me motivated to end things here before I end it all.
May 6, 2013: Monday:
A run with dad today, he seems to be enjoying running side by side with me. I'm glad I put that on my bucket list to do. Lately we have been sitting in the kitchen after our run drinking an orange juice. Talking. He asks me way to much how I'm doing. He's "happy to see you getting back to life, I know you miss her, but she would want you to go forward." I know dad, I know.
Stevo and Mason stopped by the house today. Skate skate skate. I remember when I lived to skate. These days I live to die. I have great friends and I am now doubting if they will understand why I am leaving them behind soon. My boys remind me of our motto with each other "never trust anyone, not even me. I could tell you the truth or lie like a lazy dog, just to make your day better, or worse." Love my skate boys, some of the funniest crap happens when we get together.
May 7, 2013: Tuesday:
I went to Alana's room today. Her parents have yet to take care of her things. I laid on her bed thinking about the plans we already made for our future together, that is before she left without me. It's ok, we will still be together, just differently. I lifted some things from her room today, I don't think her family would mind, they don't know the meaning behind the things I took. I wanted to tell them "don't worry, these will go exactly where they belong soon".
I look around her room, I will visit it a few more times before I stop coming around. Going there will raise suspicion on how I am doing, or not doing. When I stop coming around and spending time in her room it will show everyone how well I am doing, moving on without her. Lies. Lies. More Lies. But it won't matter in the end. Everyone that loved her felt this same pain and chose to move on. I did not. I will not move on without being with her. So the lies continue.
May 8, 2013: Wednesday:
Mom and I went out to dinner tonight before we grocery shopped. I told her "buy a poor broke kid a meal will ya ma?" She bought right into it. Oh you are doing so well she would tell me. It was a great day with mom and I know she will remember this dinner for a long time. She liked that I flirted with the waitress, or at least acted like I was interested. That was easy but truth be known, I haven't been interested in any other girl on earth since the day I laid eyes on Alana. My heart knew before my mind knew that she was the one. The only one. Sorry mom, but I need you to believe I am trying.
May 9, 2013: Thursday:
Played racquet ball today with Avery. He was surprised when he asked me and I said yes. That made both of us happy. I hate the game he loves. It's his gig and he's a damn good player. I think he gets it more then Adrian. Avery is going on 14 soon and he is noticing girls more and more. So he will understand the whole scene Alana played out and the broken heart inside my chest. He asked me how I was doing. "I'm OK Av, I miss her but I can't bring her back". A lie, but not a real lie. I can't bring her back but I can go to her. Sorry Avery, brother, but my life has become a game so I can meet death.
May 10, 2013: Friday:
F$(#*ing Friday's. It's unbearable and if anyone tells me I will be alright today I could punch them real easily. I'm avoiding Jett on Fridays from here on out. Friday's are like a no lie day zone. I am too close to the truth on Fridays, knowing its one more weekend away from my girl, yet one more weekend closer to her too.
I warded everyone off today, all day. Lied to all of them. Everyone thought I was with someone else so no one bothered me. I was with Alana, or at least her corpse. I love her to much to be mad at her. I wanted to reach down and pull her back out of the earth. It was hard to walk away from her tonight, go lay in my own bed and think about how much I miss her.
I hate the weekends the most. Just a few more.
May 11, 2013: Saturday
It's harder than it seems it would be, to avoid getting back into life but making sure everyone around you thinks you are trying to move on. The lies I am telling are starting to make me lie to myself too. I made sure to call Jett today, tell him I was feeling low. The guy that never lies, I am lying to the most. Its painful to do this, to the one guy that has always been there for all of us boys. Feeling low was the lie, keeping Jett in tune with this charade was the chore.
Me and Addie went to Av's game today. Celebrated his win with a trip to the buffet. Addie would tell mom how much we all ate. What a a way to convince her I was eating good, laughing lots, and having fun again. Its amazing how people are really, like how much they believe the impossible.
I need to keep pushing. I need to keep up the lies. The only thing that was real today was having fun with Addie and Av. The rest of the day was a bust, even though my bucket list is getting shorter. I need to start pushing Alana further back in my mind but its hard to do when she feeds my heart. She is the one that will push me to get done with this game of life.
May 12, 2013: Sunday
A Sunday lie and mom bought it with a shiny silver dollar. Tummy ache mom, I think I ate way to much yesterday. I'll be fine. Go on ahead and I will say my prayers from bed. Took them forever to get out of the house this morning. I went to be with Alana, at least as close as I could. So much left to do I need to get my ass moving on this list.
At least this lonely weekend is gone, over, done with. It didn't pass without pain. I remind myself with each passing weekend, soon will be here, even though it doesn't seem soon enough.
May 13, 2013: Monday
Ran with dad today, Avery ran with us too. Wish I could get Adrian to go too. Would be great father sons memory especially sitting out back after our run for a while, drinking water, talking. Probably the rental units will always be asking me how I'm doing. It's hard dad, but I'm making it. I'm OK mom, I miss her, but I have you. LIES
May 14, 2013: Tuesday
Less and less people around me are asking about me, how I'm doing. No one really talks about Alana anymore except her family. On occasion my dad will talk about her. I wonder how quickly I will be forgotten when I get the hell out of this miserable life. I don't care, I will be with Alana and our together forever plan will be confirmed. Dust in the wind, floating together, souls attached.
Alex, Dylan and Jason made their way over today. Sat out back and lied to them about life. None of them have had a girlfriend for more then a week at a time. They played the bids. Not me, I never rolled in that dust. I have only ever loved Alana. They wont get it until they become consumed with that one girl they would die for. We kicked a ball around the yard, just like the old days. Mom loved feeding my friends, even Dylan who she didn't really care for, not because he wasn't nice, but because he lacked manners. Something only a mom would expect from a hockey boy. She heard the laughs, it had to of convinced her a bit more of me moving on with life.
May 15, 2013: Wednesday
They still haven't made progress on Alana's room. I sat in there for hours today, rummaging through her things. It was like all the pieces of her without a body. I could smell her, I could feel her. I cannot wait to be with her. I stood in the spot under the point of where she hung herself. I closed my eyes to imagine her final thoughts as she slipped the rope around her neck. I remembered the night I gave her the eternity necklace and she assured me she would never go anywhere without it. That wearing it meant I would always be with her. She kept it on that day she dropped herself off that chair to end the misery of inner sadness. I carry it in my pocket these days, because I need to take it with me when I go so she can have it back. I sat on the chair, the chair that last felt the life of my angel, my girl. Lucky chair I thought.
Her sister came and sat on the bed as I rummaged through some drawers. She asked me what I was looking for. Christ, I don't know I wanted to tell her. The truth would be that I wanted to know what I could of done to stop her, the LIE I told was that I was bored and I just thought it would pass time for me. I hope they take their time in removing this piece of Alana from their lives because it was all I had left right now. Soon Alana, soon, but not today.
May 16, 2013: Thursday
If a day could be any bleaker then today I would end it right now. Woke up with a headache that would make a rap songs beat seem like a polka. I still ran with dad today though. I didn't need anyone thinking this was depression. Probably it was, but the only one that needed to know that was me. Well me and Jett, because the lies to him had to be more creative. He questions everything. I had to be a better liar to him because that kid has the purest soul on earth. He can't tell a lie but he can detect them. His girls a lucky girl, he would see in her the troubles of Alana if they were in her. Not me, I was fooled. The fooled has become the fooler.
Adrian came in my room in the middle of the night. He had a nightmare. He thought he could sleep with me better. He asked Avery but Avery told him to go back to bed. Note to me: make sure Avery understands he has to take care of Adrian when no one else can.
May 17, 2013: Friday
Mom was all over my swearing today. You're such a nice young man but you have a potty mouth. Its those boys you hang around with Cedric, you could do better. I know mom, I know. I would improve my language for her sake, so that when I leave she doesn't think 'good Lord that boy could swear'. Would be a better example for my brothers too, not get them at their ages caught up in a pig life style. I would do my part, maybe preach to them a bit about it. Clean language boys, because moms like a nice boy with a clean mouth.
IPOD central today as I get through another weekend without Alana time. My playlist is "Alana" and I listen to it on continue play remembering the reason behind every song we called "our" song. So many poetic lyrics that seemed they were written just for us. I could add 100 songs easy to this list that fit us in a whole new level. I already know this IPOD will be the last thing I touch, when I erase the playlist and leave it on Avery's dresser. It's a bit eerie when I think about that, but he used it more then I did after he broke his. He will appreciate it and always have it to remember me for something more then the arguing we did.
May 18, 2013: Saturday
Family day. We went to Grandma and Grandpa L's house. Big food feast and fun in honor of Grandpa L's 70th birthday. Smiles, laughs, fun with the cousins. No one mentioned Alana or the tragedy of it all. I saw the looks though and I could tell who was talking to my dad about it. I imagined they were asking how I was doing. I've lied so much about that to my parents they are now unknowingly spreading those lies for me.
It was perhaps the longest day yet. No where to go to get away. No where to just sit and relax my mind from the exhausting task of showing how well I am dealing with life. Grandpa L teased everyone how this was the last birthday bash, that it could be the last time we enjoyed cake and ice cream with him. He thought he was joking, if only he knew it would be my last time. I am sure I will see the Grand L's again before I depart this world but I hugged them real tight before we left. Hugs that will get me to where I am going. Hugs I wont ever forget how they felt.
May 19, 2013: Sunday
I'm going to church with Jett today mom. LIE. I'm going to hang out at his house today with the guys mom. LIE. Don't worry mom, they will feed me good. TRUTH. Lie's win again today, I told more lies then I did truths. Sad I know but the truth will NOT set me free, or at least as free as I want to be.
Another stupid weekend passed, another weekend closer to my final destination, my final departure. I remember when the weekends didn't last long enough and flew by with the girl of my dreams, Alana. Now they drag on endlessly, no matter how much I have going on. Just die already is the phrase I say in my mind when I just want crap to go away.
May 20, 2013: Monday
Shoot me dead already. Woke up to a list of chores from mom. Maybe I should of played the sympathy card a bit longer. I got it done though, and more. Today I started clearing my room of crap that doesn't matter. I had to be careful to not remove the stuff that my mom thought matters to me. She would spot that quickly. I couldn't discard my crap in the trash here so I took it to thrift store on the other side of town. I can't wait really, to get to the bare minimum of my belongings. I already had a box in the back of my closet for Addie, stuff he would want I know. I don't know how I got so much closer to him then I have Avery. Going to have to work on that. Just added to a bucket list I was nearly done with. Not my plan but I want Av's to know I love him and this wasn't about him and me.
May 21, 2013: Tuesday
Drove by the rink today. Funny I didn't miss the skating that went on there. What I missed was Alana. It was where I met her. Where I first saw her walking across the lot to open skating. I told the boys that day as I pointed her out "that's her, that's the girl I will marry, just you wait and see". June 22 at 10:15pm, the moment I first laid eyes on that pretty girl with the pretty smile. That's the day that will be etched forever in the minds of everyone I leave behind. Alana made a liar out of me but that's OK, she knows I am on my way. Joe laughed that day at me, I remember how pissed off I got. The rest of the guys just walked away, I'm sure knowing it would never happen. Jett patted me on the back and wished me luck, "girls are worth the pain buddy" he said. Yes, Jett, they are.
May 22, 2014: Wednesday
Dammit, I got into it with mom today. Spending too much time in my room. Quite fighting with your brother. I don't know what Avery's deal is, he is always pushing my buttons. Does he know? Does he suspect? What is this all about with him? I need to try harder with him. I told mom I was sorry, I told Avery I was going to be a better brother to him. He's just different then Addie is. I can't remember when this all started. I wonder if Alana's death has effected him. I have less then a month to figure this out. A small snag in my plans but I can mend this.
May 23, 2014: Thursday
Thirsty Thursday. Hanging with the boys tonight was a bit refreshing. A good get away from my house. First time I consumed since Alana left. The day she swung was the day we were going to celebrate her 21st birthday. Just a month or so shy of the day we met but I couldn't wait anymore. It would be a birthday gift she would never forget. Our first legal drink together, the day I was going to ask her. Pop the questions. Marry me Alana. Nothing spectacular just a question and an answer. We talked about the future together for months.
I cant help but wonder if I went to her that morning would she still of swung to her death that afternoon. She surely did not suspect what was coming right? She wouldn't have done this to us had she known. Why did I wait? Why? I'm sorry Alana, for not being able to save you from the mean girls. I promise you I will not leave until they are haunted through their lives. I've already started that plan, leave them suffering, feeling what they put you through.
May 24, 2014: Friday
I cried all day. All day. The pain in my heart made it bleed through my eyes. I miss her. I need to be with her. It's hard not to leave tonight. Hard to hide the truth tonight but what the hell, let mom and dad see the sad. See the tears. I'm OK mom I promise its just been a long tiring day. Just missing her tonight, you know it's Friday and they are hard for me.
I let her down, as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a future husband to her. I didn't see the any signs to indicate she was unhappy. I don't understand how I missed the broken in the girl I loved with all my heart and soul. In the next 28 days I hope to leave with proof of how one can hide their sadness from those closest to their heart. I want to leave knowing there was nothing I could of done, nothing I could of seen, no sign of the troubles that took my Alana away.
May 25, 2013: Saturday
Went over to Alana's parents house this morning. Her mom called my mom this week to check on me. Told her they want us to know they think of us often and she should tell me I should come over more to visit, They miss me. THEY MISS ME??? They don't know what missing someone is all about. I don't know why I was so angry with them today, its not their fault. It's the mean girls, and the mean girls will have their day.
Still haven't moved a thing from Alana's room. I offered to do it for them. "Let me box up her things for you, at least the clothes. I don't mind really, it will help me I think." Felt good to be telling the truth for a change but it's all for my benefit really so yeah, its another lie. If lying were a paying job I would be a rich SOB by the time I check out. So on Monday I will go over during the day and box up some things and haul them away.
May 26, 2013: Sunday
Going to church with Paulie and his family today mom, he invited me and afterwards I'm eating at their house. Yeah, his parents are some nice people mom. I might hang out with Paulie playing COD or NHL13. LIE, told and sold. I spent the day with the spirit of Alana. Jett was there I could tell, he leaves behind a guitar pick when he leaves. Only guy I know likes to hang at the graveyard.
I wonder when mom will realize I stopped going to church. I wonder if I can convince her for the next 2 Sundays. Of course I will go to mass one last Sunday with them. It will be a great day that day, one they are sure to remember. I'm hoping to be able to go "lie free" for that last week. If I've planned this out well enough, it will be a lie free week.
May 27, 2013: Monday
I slept so good last night knowing today I got to spend the day in Alana's room. No one was going to be home and that made me extremely happy. No one to hang next to me talking my ear off. No one to have to lie to. No one to have to ward off, ask questions. Just me. Me and the room that Alana took her last breath in. I was excited and I know that sounds creepy but I was just excited to get to do this
I touched every piece of clothing Alana owned that was in that room. She was so modest, I loved that about her. Not flashy at all like the mean girls who pushed her to her death. Each time I filled a box I took it down to my truck so when I was done it was off to the thrift store. I wonder if people know they might be wearing dead peoples clothing. I wonder if it would bother them if they knew. I wonder if any of the mean girls will freak out when they find out. I actually just laughed thinking about turning them into the victims to make Alana the victor.
May 28, 2013: Tuesday
Mom and Dad came in my room bright and early today. "Alana's parents called last night. Ce'dric, you didn't have to do that but it was a nice gesture and I am sure they appreciated it more then they can express" I know dad, I know. "I don't know what I would do, that would be so hard to pack up your child's life after such a tragedy." I know mom, I know.
I have to make sure I make this as easy for them as possible. They will have very little to sift through. I'm 99% sure this plan is going to come through for me. So far everything is going as planned. Even Jett is buying into my lies. Dude, I hate doing this to you but its not about you, it's about me and it is what it is. I'm sure he will be the one offering to take care of my room, wrap it up. He's a good pal.
May 29, 2013: Wednesday
Racquet ball with Avery today and me and Adrian went for an after dinner walk. Avery is very athletic, I hope he keeps that up. He's just not a little kid anymore. Hard not to talk to him like he is one. He kicked my butt but he always does. I don't let him either, he's just good. Adrian talks non stop. I love that about him. All the questions in the world and he asks them one right after another. Tonight he asked me why do they put windows on the sides of those houses Ce'dric, All you can see is the house next door and they are so close you can probably touch them. I wish I could answer his questions so he would learn more. Good brother time memories.
Couldn't sleep tonight. Laid in bed for about three hours telling myself to to go to sleep. Close my eyes and I picture Alana which keeps me awake. Guess I will pop in a movie try to drift off. No reason to really, tomorrows just a normal day of telling lies to make everyone believe I'm doing alright.
May 30, 2013: Thursday
Sometimes Avery pushes my last button. I wonder if he even knows he's doing it, or is it on purpose? Always accuses me of being moms favorite. I told him today "she's just worried more about me right now because of Alana. I tell her am OK but she still worries. She loves us all the same." He don't get it, I know I have to just swallow his crap so I don't exit this life with a riff between us. It frustrates me.
I went back over to Alana's house today. They seem to be moving along well without her. It gives me hope that my family will be OK after some grieving. They will all have each other just like Alana's family. I sat in her room and read some of her thoughts in her diary. I haven't yet sat and read it all, I don't need anything to influence my plan one way or another. I skim it. I sift through the pages. I took more of the jewelry I've given her throughout the two years. Simple pieces really, because she liked simple. Nothing flashy that made her stand out in the crowd, even though she always stood out to me in any crowd. I will take the first piece of jewelry I ever gifted her when I go. A simple gold chain, dainty and cute.
Watch out mean girls, our final days together have arrived. You've been so good about keeping me company, texting, calling, whatever you could to let me know how sorry you all are for my loss. Now I get to pay you back and let you know how sorry you should of been.
May 31, 2013: Friday
F@#King Fridays. My heart breaks all over again on the weekends. I wish now that I knew then how short our time would be together. I would have pushed everything out of my life to spend all my days with you, all my nights with you. Giving you just three days a week of my time with you was a joke. "FTB's bullsh@t. Why would I go along with the boys on that one. Jett never did. He realized FTB's would not carry him any further then the next night of rolling bums and preaching to the hookers. I was less interested in life today then ever. Every smile I returned to someone telling me anything to do with the future made me want to swing. I imagined everyone in front of me with a noose around their neck. Just shoot me already. Tonight's the last night I will take the sleeping pills given to me by the therapist I lie to bi-weekly. Paying someone just so you can lie to them. How sad is it to be able to fool your therapist? Makes me laugh really and THAT is no lie. I'm so good at the lying game that sometimes I wonder if I would of made a good lawyer or politician (no offense Mayor Menino).
Last day of this month brings me new hope. I've come this far. 22 more days. Time drags, so does life. I welcome June with open arms and a bleeding heart. Move over Alana, our time is coming.
June 1: Saturday:
A plus from Alana's swing, since the day she swung I have paid closer attention to those around me. I couldn't afford to miss any signs of trouble brewing around me that could foil my plan. I worry more about Avery than anyone. We pick at each other a lot. Push those buttons. Maybe he is right, maybe it is all about mom and each of us wanting more attention than the other. I have 21 days to figure this out.
Today I did Avery's chores for him while he was playing racquet ball with dad. I even popped in his room and made his bed and picked up his laundry. I carefully placed a box of my belongings in his closet today, on top shelf to the back. He won't find it until I'm gone and a note leads him to it. It felt good to get that done today and a bonus great night hanging with him and Adrian, playing games, watching movies. Mom praised him at dinner for not having to be asked to get his laundry gathered up for her. We made eye connections and both knew, without a word, what being brothers meant.
June 2: Sunday
Mom was real happy I got up and went to church with them today. We went out to Sunday brunch, just like we used to. Adrian and Avery and I had a great day today. We all chipped in to get the weekend chores done early and spent the evening just laying around, eating everything we could find, and driving mom and dad nuts. Great family day. Memories were made. Laughter echoed throughout the house. It was as if things were going to be OK, and they are, just my kind of OK.
June 3: Monday
I got a lot accomplished today in my room. Tomorrow I'm going over to help Alana's dad clear the rest of the things from her room. I see how hard it is for her family to try and decide what to do with her things. I have taken everything I wanted from her room and I have given almost everything I want to give from my room away. It seems daily I am giving Adrian things he asks for and still make it look like nothing is up. I keep my door open now whether I am in it or not. Mom doesn't ever come in anymore, she just walks by and that must satisfy her in her efforts to keep us clean. I even convinced Adrian and Avery we should just go down and get our own laundry to put away, mom really shouldn't have to haul everything up for us.
June 4: Tuesday
F^&%, it was hard today. Not for me. I miss Alana but I'm 18 days away from soaring to her. To see the pain in her Dad is just sad. I know that will happen when I go but I know my family loves me enough to take a bit of pain for me so I can be happy again. Alana's dad just didn't know what to do. We boxed up the rest of Alana's life and I hauled it away. The furniture would stay and next weekend her mom and sister would turn it into a guest room.
It was the saddest day since she left me, seeing her family still full of sadness. It's because they didn't know, because they didn't have a clue she was wanting to leave. I felt for them, I really did. It must be hard. In one week that room will be done and they can continue to move on, to heal.
I have ignored my celly for three days now. Tomorrow I will have to make sure everyone knows s@#t's good. More and more of the guys are contacting me less and less. Not Jett, daily texts and a few messages. Mom said he's stopped by a couple times. I suppose a walk in the park rolling bums and preaching to hookers are in order.
June 5: Wednesday
I can't stay way from the grave. I could just lay there until I die. I find myself digging into the dirt with my fingers as if I could get her back by digging deeper. I can tell when others have been there and wonder who it was. I know when its Jett because he leaves snapped guitar strings and picks. I know when its her family because they clean up around the site and hang a fresh balloon. Today someone left a little angel doll. The other day someone left a plant. It's nice they come to honor her memory and spirit. She deserves it, and she deserves to have been treated better when she was alive.
Mean girls/hockey pigs. A cruel piece of the world.
June 6: Thursday:
Everything is right on schedule. Starting next week everyone will see the old Cedz prior to Alana's death. Spend a decent amount of time with my family and friends. Big family reunion weekend Sat and Sun. See lots of them for the last time in a long time. Get things lined up with the mean girls that kicked the chair out from under my sweet Alana.
June 7: Friday:
Tomorrow I will start writing letters to my family. I know it wont take away the pain, or probably even ease the pain but my hope is they will find it in their hearts to understand this is not about them, this is about me and my love for Alana, the girl I was going to marry.
I hung out with Jett today, we met up with the boys for a game of football. I laugh. Jett and football is like me and dancing, not meant to be. But to get in one last dog pile on top of that sissy was sweet. Kid's weak, and slow, but when I'm standing at the pearly gates, it's his name I'm using to trump the gate keeper into letting me in. It was good to see the boys, see how they are all doing right now. Someone needs to keep an eye on Pauly, he's acting like a Connor.
Last official piece of earthly business is the mean girls. Planned to be executed in one week, just putting on the finishing touches of the haunt I will leave behind in them. Only giving them back the treatment they give others. Time to break that gaggle of girls up.
June 8: Saturday:
14 days left on earth. Today my paternal grandparents had a family reunion out at their spread. Packed like sardines but seemed everyone was having fun. Cousins making plans for college, high school, grade school. I'm the only skater in a family full of athletes, or at least I was. I haven't been on skates since Alana died. It's difficult to go back to that lot, the lot I first saw her. The rink where I first talked to her. The ice that I first skated on with the girl I was making my own. I will visit the rink one last time before I go be with Alana.
Avery and Adrian will have lots of cousins, right around their own ages, to help them through life. Avery understands his role in Adrian's life, he told me on the ride home "I'm going to be a better big brother to Addie then you are." Well said Avery, you win. You had no clue when you said that how right you are. Be for Addie everything you have ever wanted me to be to you. You aren't just going to be a great big brother, you were the best little brother a big brother could have.
I'm going to miss Grandma and Grandpa L, They have never looked at me as if I were not their real grandson. The baking lessons, the fishing trips, the love they have shown me, mean the world to me and I am sure to my mom too. I hope I've done a great job showing you my appreciation and love for your kindness and guidance you've given me along the way.
June 9: Sunday:
13 more days before I see those pearly gates. We all met back at my grandparents for a big breakfast before everyone travels home and we settle back into our lives a little happier and a lot more appreciative of the family we have in our lives.
What a great support system my family will have in a couple weeks when they all get together again. I was thankful for this opportunity to be in their lives one more time playing ball, eating fat, and hanging together laughing and reliving some of the best times of our lives. Not one mention of Alana. Not one "how you doing, you doing alright" from anyone. It was perfect and sweet. If Alana or my well being were on their minds they didn't show it. It made my heart feel good, knowing how quickly the pain and sorrow leaves their souls as time carries on.
Again on the ride home, me and my brothers talked non stop about the fun our family has when we all get together. "It's the food that makes them all happy", Avery would say. "It's the games we play that makes everyone so happy," Addie would say. "It's the love," my mom would say as my dad agreed. In my mind I say "It's knowing I'm heading out, going to be with Alana that makes me happy." Inside I smile because I have missed her so (soul) and her spirit.
June 10: Monday
12 more days until I depart. The next several days they will lay witness to how well I am doing since the day Alana swung from earth to heaven. They will remember who I was before she left and see that kid again, before he leaves to be with her.
Mom thought my appetite was back full force today as she served us stacks of pancakes and orange juice this morning. We all head out to start our days and would be together at the dinner table, ready for another huge meal that would surly show how back into life I am. Just as planned, dinner was served and as we recapped my day that put smiles on my parents faces I was happy that I told no lies today. I did play touch football with the guys, we did eat at the china buffet, and we did get run off Boylston Street by a foot cop trying to keep order that we were disrupting.
June 11: Tuesday
11 more days and I'm down and out of this world. A morning run with Dad, helped mom with breakfast dishes, took out the trash complaining it was Addie's turn. I am sure my mom will not miss chore complaints but I am sure Avery and Addie wont be happy to have to split up the chores I leave behind.
Dad thought it was funny when I told him about my day. Again, no lies had to be told. I headed to Cambridge to work out with Skylar and Tyler at their home gym. We raided their fridge and ate the fruit and fruit dip their mom made for her card party for later that afternoon. Didn't see the note not to eat it until we pulled out the last bowl of fruit. She really should have put the note on the front bowl and she would not have had to come up with a different plan. She scolded all three of us, and didn't hold back on me. My dad laughed until he had tears and my mom sympathized with their mom, because how many times have me and my buddies done that to her?
June 12: Wednesday
10 more days until showdown. Ate a hearty breakfast that made my mom wonder which of my legs was suddenly hallow. "Good thing its grocery shopping night", she said. Avery asked me if I wanted to throw in some tennis, Addie asked me if I wanted to play NHL 13. Yes to both, because I was keeping a clear slate on lying this week. It was fun, spending time with both of them this afternoon. Addie mentioned it first ,'"It sure is good to see you like us again Ce'dric." Then Avery, "yeah for a while there we wondered if you thought you were too good to hang with us." I assured them both that our parents were paying me to hang with them today, not something I wanted to do, but was not going to pass up that money. We all laughed at that conversation, because the last time we went through this was the week before Alana died. It was an ongoing joke between us, how our parents paid us to love each other.
June 13: Thursday
9 days to go, before I'm gone. Woke up with Addie in my bed. He hasn't done that for a long time. He said he was watching the SAW series and got scared and Avery told him to go to bed when he tried to sleep with him. I didn't mind but I had to remind him mom wouldn't be happy he watched those. We decided to go down and make eggs, turkey links, hash browns and oatmeal for breakfast for everyone.
Took Avery and Addie to the movies tonight, dads treat. He always gave us enough money for enough food to feed a hockey team. And we used it all. Went to the arcade after the movie. Its been a long time since I did that but Addie's the gamer of the family and he always has his eye on something behind the ticket counter. Avery likes it too but he acts like he doesn't. He's at that age where he thinks about his age and is he doing all the right age appropriate things. The teen years, yeah I remember those. We sat at the mall court before going home just shooting the S#@T. Everyone always guesses we are brothers, not because we look alike but because why else would a preteen, a teen and a twenty something be hanging out together. Brothers, they turn out to be the best friends you will ever have.
June 14: Friday
8 days left. I am not afraid. I am not sad. I am not happy. I barely just am. I have been numb from life since Alana took her own life. The closer I get to my destination the more peace I find. I can't help but lay in bed and think about Alana's last days. Obviously she was careful to plan out her final days. I think back to see if I can remember any signs I may I have missed. I did not. The most loyal loving girlfriend a guy could hope to find fooled the one guy that was willing to wait to have her on their wedding night. I could not have stopped her I tell myself as I look back. It doesn't make it any less painful that she is gone, but I am leaving to be with her understanding that she waned to go, and she went. So when my friends read this diary, and I know it will hit the stands, you have to know that there was nothing you could of done to prevent me from walking out on life.
Jett, you have been the most loyal friend to all of us boys. Don't change a thing man, don't play the blame game. You will be pissed, beyond this world, but I offer no apology to you for leaving. I do apologize for how you will blame yourself for this. Don't be a dickie-doo, accept my decision to go be with my love. I know you understand the heart more then anyone and brother, pray hard I get past the gates so I can be with Alana and find my dad.
Mayson, stop F@(King crying man. Get over this fast. This is the one and only thing in my life that I did not share with you. Forgive me if you can, if you can't, so be it buddy, but move on. You were a stand up friend and always there when I needed you the most. I know this is hard on you and I know you want the days of yesterday back. It's not about you. I'll see you at you end of time and we'll party like rock stars.
No lies at all today, again, it felt good. Avoidance is the key but I have lied so well they all seems to think I'm over her. No one asks anymore so I don't have to lie. Tomorrows the big Mean Girl revenge plans. Do I feel bad for what I will do to them, no, at least not any more remorseful then they have been about Alana swinging away from them. NO LIE. It begins tomorrow.
June 15, 2013 Saturday:
Mean Girl 1 - Today I had lunch with Suzie. She was excited when I asked her if she wanted to meet up. "You've been such a great support for me through this all, let my repay you with lunch." LIE LIE LIE. Listening to her talk about herself made me want to stab myself in the ears with my fork and hers. I kept track of our hour and half lunch. We spent a good 10 minutes on how I was doing and the next 80 minutes covering how special she is to the world. SHOOT ME DEAD. When I pull that trigger I will be reliving this lunch. How I did not just die of boredom I will never know.
I made a date with Suzie to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Suzie, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Suzie a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. A musical note I had given to Alana as a trinket representing all the love songs we shared between us, but I did not tell Suzie that.
June 16, 2013 Sunday:
Mean Girl 2 - I saw Staci today. I went to the mass her and her family go to. I invited myself to sit with her through mass. I wasn't surprised when her dad asked me to join them for Sunday dinner, in fact, I was banking on it. Staci lectured me on moving on, she was sorry about Alana but I am young and I should get back into life, move forward, I had a lot of life ahead of me. I invited Staci to come back over to my house for the evening. We could sit on the deck and have a beer, talk about things. Blah blah blah, how can one girl have so much to say and it amount to a big pile of nothing.
I made a date with Staci to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Staci, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Staci a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An anchor I had given to Alana that represented our love for each other and nothing could make that love drift away.
June 17, 2013 Monday:
Mean Girl 3 - I stopped in Starbucks this morning. "Oh hey Tayna, I didn't know you worked here. How you been? Thanks for the cards you send to cheer me up." LIAR LIAR "Oh hell Tayna who knew right? Some people just can't deal, just like you said. She had everything to live for and then she did this to 'us'. "Oh good too see you too, sure, lets meet up sometime soon. Hey, you want to grab a bite to eat tonight, catch up? We met at Olive Garden. Tayna had no problem telling me how selfish she thought it was of Alana to do this to me. She thought Alana loved me bigger then that. I wished I had brought a pair of invisible ear plugs with me.
I made a date with Tayna to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Tayna, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Tayna a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An ice skate I had given to Alana that represented what brought us together, that first night I laid eyes on her.
June 18, 2013 Tuesday:
Mean Girl 4 - Allison. The last and the meanest of the gaggle that pushed Alana to swing. ring ring "hey Allison, its Ce'dric. I was going through my year book (lie) yesterday and read what you wrote (truth). Do you remember? LOL (lie) yeah, "Ce'dric the Welsh, you crushed my heart so many times but I'm happy we could stay friends. Love your future, Ali". "Well I was thinking, if you're still single, maybe we could go out on a date. I'd like to catch up (lie). "ahhh, well I'm flattered (lie). "You want to grab lunch today? My treat?" We met at Dawg's and while Allison filled me in on everything I've missed in the 23 years of her life I chocked down a hotdog. I thanked Allison for being such a good friend to me since 4th grade where we first met.
I made a date with Allison to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Allison, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Allison a thing gold chain with a single charm on it. A rainbow that represented to Alana that I loved her just the way she was and she would always be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbows.
June 19, 2013 Wednesday:
I surprised myself with these plans. Everything is going as planned, and it had to be executed so perfectly to keep it going. Got the mean girls lined up for Saturday night. A few more things to accomplish so I can carry out my plan for as Jett would say, my final breath, "beyond a breath of life". Share my story Jett, so the boys get it. I know you will do me justice even through your pissed off state of mind.
It's hard to describe the peace I feel in my heart. No fear at all. No anxiety over what's coming. I imagine this to be how Alana felt the last few days of her life. Places to go and people to see. Sharing a little piece of life with you from my teen years. The struggles I faced back then seemed so real, so devastating to me at the time. Looking back they were nothing. They were not even life or death issues. You look at your options, you choose the best possible one for the outcome you are looking for. The letters I have written to those who I felt I should leave some sort of reasoning to my decision to explains a bigger portion of the pain I carry inside of me. They will understand, I hope, that the only happiness left for me is miles away in a place I have been ensured will accept me, no matter what my sin to get there was.
It is what it is, and that is what it will be.
June 20, 2013 Thursday:
My happiness is no longer just knowing I will soon be with Alana. Much of my happiness comes from the smiles the laughs and the friendships of those that cared enough to check in on me. Those that know the pain, have faced the pain, and have found resolution in dealing with that at earths level. Those that I know, in time, will understand and accept the dark side of the Ce'dric they have never gotten to see prior to pulling the trigger. You meant the world to me, but Alana means more to me at a higher view of the world.
Once you accept this decision I have made for what it is, I will dust you with happiness that you feel and recognize as mine. I will send you breezes in the wind that will remind you of who I was and where I went. The sunny days belong to me, the storms will never touch me again.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, spread me where I find the most peace, over Alana. Where I went to leave you is where I want you to leave me.
June 21, 2013 Friday:
Suzie, Stacey, Tayna, Allison. Ready girls? In less then 24 hours you will learn something about yourselves, your friendships with each other, and in the end, who wins. In less then 24 hours you will discover what is important in life comes from inside our hearts. In less then 24 hours you will be standing in the parking lot where I met Alana, wondering why you are all there, and I am not. You will all receive the same letter inside an envelope with each of your names on them, expecting what you want, and not liking what you get.
"Mean Girls: I sentence you in the death of not only Alana, but also myself, Ce'dric. Each of you for the past week has been wearing a gold chain with a single charm that you think I chose just for you. I chose those charms for Alana and they represent the most important moments of my life with her. Last week I sought each of you out and what I need you to understand is the times I spend individually with each of you was as painful to me as your bullying was to Alana. I consider each visit with each of you big wastes of my time. The compliments were lies. The smiles were lies. The laughs were lies. There was nothing real in those 'dates'. They were as fake and made up as the four of you.
Here is what you should know about your friendship with each other:
Suzie: Your gaggle doesn't come to your house because it is not classy enough for them. You should not even be 'one of them' is what I was told. They keep you around because your mom sells Mary Kay makeup and you supply them with it for free. According to them you should be embarrassed that your mom even has to help supply income for you and your family to live in such a dump of a house. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Stacey: I found out that you are the willing girl of your gaggle. When I heard that I laughed at the names they rattled off. You lied to them. I know 6 of the 12 guys they said you slept with. So I know at least half of them were lies. Guys talk girls, and had any of that been true I would of know about it 2 seconds after the fact. Here's what your gaggle don't know. Let me just say Wild Bill. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Tanya: Tanya Tanya Tanya. I never touched you. You would not be worth the sin. Your gaggle bought that one off you and through the conversation about it, I am sure you are the main reason Alana was not accepted into your gaggle. It pains me to think anyone, including your gaggle, would believe that about me, but I'm laughing now. I bet you are not. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Allison: Do you think your gaggle knows about their brothers and why you actually formed this gaggle? Where one of you lied about doing it, you were the one that lied about not. Why is that girl? Is it because you wanted to be more like Alana? Could it be that you pushed her to swing because she was who you could never be? Fill your gaggle in on the nights you couldn't hang out with them because you were out with someone else's boyfriend. Yeah, the guys talk about you, just like you want them to. But they have nothing to say much more then you're a desease carrying swap donkey. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Well you might have guessed by now that I am not showing up. I am with Alana, taking my final breath on earth. You are guilty of two deaths, Romeo and Juliet, and your sentence is to be served out on earth, long lives, where you will see bits and pieces of the destruction you left behind in your walks of shame. You will see reminders everywhere and you will have to live with them haunting you for years to come. And when the day arrives for you to rest in peace, you will never find the peace you want. Stay mean, girls, its what you do best. See you never. ~ Keeper of no secrets, Ce'dric"
June 22, 2010. It was a Tuesday and me and the boys loaded up in a couple cars and headed off to the rink. Free skating for fun. We liked free skating on the ice every now and then verses the grind of playing a game of hockey. No rules, no penalty's, no pressures, no fights.
It is the day I first laid eyes on Alana and for the next almost three years we would be exclusive to each other in our love for one another. Three years from that date I find myself anxiously waiting for tonight when I will join my sweet Alana and the plan that was crushed on earth will thrive in heaven, where we will spend a promise to each of eternity together.
June 22, 2013. It is Saturday and I have waited for this day to arrive for weeks. Carefully planned and well executed thus far. Today I will spend the entire day with my family, celebrating my mom's birthday. It sucks really that the day so special for me in my life happens to fall on the day of my mom's birthday. That is the only thing I will apologize to anyone for. I'm sorry mom, that it has to end today. You are my world, but Alana is my universe.
My agenda is in place for today.
Make breakfast with my brothers for our parents, our first gift to mom. CHECK
A small luncheon with some close friends of my mom to celebrate her day. CHECK
Cake and ice cream to top off our day together as a family before Mom and Dad head out for the evening. CHECK
Our final gift to mom was a dinner and a movie to follow, just her and dad, out on the town. CHECK
A goodbye to Avery and Adrian for the evening. I have a few errands to run. Be good, be in bed before mom and dad get home. CHECK
Put the letters a wrote to them each on moms dresser so they will find them in the morning. CHECK
Leave moms special birthday gift from me on her dresser, a CD of our life since we got to Boston. CHECK
Drive to the rink where I will leave my truck with the letters for each mean girl on the windshield. CHECK
Take a cab to Alana's grave site.CHECK
Leave this world in search of the girl I lost, so we can be together forever ...
... CHECKING OUT.
