What Her Cancer Took From Me

I have never met cancer face to face.  I have had family members and friends who have been diagnosed with, survived it, died from it and are currently going through treatment hoping for a positive outcome.  Like I said, I have only watched cancer work from a distance.

I watched my brother Joey die at 24 from lung cancer.  I watched brain cancer take the life of my little friend, eight year old Gracie.  I have celebrated a bout of lung cancer that my dad, Jake, went through and survived.  There are many people who have met cancer head on, but like I said, I have never met cancer face to face.

Then back in December of 2014 someone I have grown very close to was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor.  Her name is Kim and she is in her early 40s, married to Cory, a farmer, and they have Alex, a 19 year old daughter who just finished her first year of college.  I fell in love with this family very quickly.  Nine years ago I was introduced to Kim and she very quickly became one of my best friends ever.  Kim accepted my past, my baggage, and began to be the best life coach I could ask for, had I known that was what I was looking for.  Kim was everything to me, putting on the hat of mother, friend, big sister, therapist, nurse and so much more. 

Then cancer started to take her away from me.  There was something about this cancer, with this person, that I struggle with still today.  Kim still has along way to go with her treatments but everything is pointing to a great outcome.  Everything that is, except getting back the friendship we once had.  It's what Kim's cancer took from me.

I noticed a few months before she was diagnosed that things were not right with Kim.  She used to have a great memory ... it was fading away.  She used to want to chat for hours online ... now she was quick to go.  She used to have great focus ... now she switched topics so quickly we barely had time to finish a thought before she moved onto the next one.  I thought she was losing interest in our friendship.  I felt I was becoming a bother to her, that my baggage was more than she really wanted to take on.  I couldn't put my finger on it but I assume she was walking out on my life, like so many had before.

Kim's cancer effected the part of her brain that controls sleep and focus and short term memory.  Once I learned that about her cancer, I felt better about myself, that it really wasn't about me.  It was about Kim.  However, her cancer was still taking her away from me.  I tried everything I could to try to stop that progress.  I pushed her, I angered her, I tried to walk away from her friendship.  I fought her cancer as hard as she did, or so I thought.

I very much need her in my life and the thought of losing her, not just to death, but also to a lesser level of friendship in life, was frightening to me.  It was becoming unbearable, getting so little time with her.  Watching cancer take her away from what we had was heartbreaking.  Knowing that cancer was altering her life, pulling her in a different direction and there was very little I could do to get her back.  It was breaking my heart, and my spirit, and my faith.

I have never experienced a broken faith as I had with this.  Nothing in my life had ever got me down before like this declining friendship ride.  I was devastated and I blamed God for it. I was angry with God for destroying this little family that I so admired.  I would pray from my knees daily, looking for answers on how God chooses who will find tragedy, who will overcome it, who will not.  While I still have no answers, I have renewed my faith.  I was reminded by Father Tom that God doesn't test us, we test ourselves.  That our faith brings us through tragic moments in life and we come out stronger and better able to serve God when we realize that we need to trust and believe in God and His plan for eternal life.

I still miss the friendship I had with Kim before cancer came between us but I am learning to move forward with our friendship and it's new direction.  I have told myself that while I miss what we had, I am thankful to still have Kim in my life.  I remind myself that even if Kim doesn't know what her cancer has taken from us, she is still a very big part of my life.  I said it before and I will say it again, I have grown to love Kim, Cory, and Alex and the friendship they have offered to me.  I hope the three of them know its out of love for them and the thought of losing them all out of my life, that made me crazy.  I wish them nothing but happiness and health as they continue to work through Kim's cancer.  Your faith in God during this time has brought me closer to my faith in God and his plan.  For that, I thank you.

What her cancer took from me is pale in comparison to what it has given me.  Stronger Faith. Higher Hopes.  #WeAreNotQuitters  #FriendsForever  #Pooh&Piglet

A Heavenly Birthday



 This blog failed to publish when it was written so I am reposting it I honor of my brother Joey.

8 years

100 months

434 weeks

3,041 days

72,984 hours

4,379,040 minutes

This morning I wrote the 3,041st entry in the journal I started 100 months ago when my brother Joey died from complications of lung cancer.  Joey died on Feb 7, 2007 at the age of twenty-four.  I was fourteen when Joey died 434 weeks ago and each day since I have documented my life without him. 

Today I opened my 'Absent Brother' journal and wrote my daily entry:

"LOG ENTRY 3,041: Happy Birthday in Heaven Joey!  Though I miss your absence in my day here on earth I find comfort knowing you are celebrating Eternal Life in God's House.  Walking in my journey on earth without you has never gotten easier, but knowing you silently walk next to me is a comfort in my days.  The wind whispers my name as you guide me on a path of success and happiness.  The rain cleanses my soul when I am looking for comfort from my days without you.  The sun shines on me with a warmth of comfort reminding me where you are.  The gentle breeze around me from your wings calms my fears.  I pray this messages finds you resting in the peace you deserve after the suffering you endured on your journey on earth.  I know Mom and Jayson and Jocelyn and many others surround you on your day of birth.  Love you Joey, and miss you from earth to heaven and back.  Happy Birthday to my hero, my brother and my friend for life through death."

Death is no stranger to me and my faith helps me understand that time on earth is borrowed never promised.  The only promise about life and death I know is that God grants us eternal life with him in heaven and a bonus to his eternal life program is one day we will all be together again in heaven.  The Circle Of Life calls us to Him when he chooses to bring us to Him.  Getting to know God through the Bible is how we prepare to meet Him and join His Kingdom in the Heavens above.  In the final months of Joey's life he reached out to a friend who helped him prepare of his life after his death by sharing many Bible moments with him.  Joey believed he would never be invited into the Kingdom of God because of his faults in the way he lived his life but that never stopped him from seeking forgiveness and redemption.

I am confident that today Joey is among all others that passed from earth to heaven to become our guides and sponsors in God's plan for us.  As much as I wish Joey back on earth with me, as hard as I pray to have him back with me, I know he is right where God needs him to be.  I count the days, the months, the weeks, and yes, sometimes I count the minutes that Joey has been gone.  I love him that much.  If I could find a way to count the days, the months, the weeks, even the seconds until I get to see him again I would do so with great anticipation in my heart. 

I often wonder, had Joey never left earth would my faith be as huge as it is now?  Would my belief in God and His plan be as strong as it is now?  Would I be the person who I am now, had I not had an angel in Heaven I would have to die to see gain?  My dreams of Heaven help me continue to follow God's direction on a daily basis.  I want to be the best I can be to honor Him for his belief in me as well as acknowledge to him through faith my belief in Him.

It hurts our hearts to lose those we love with every beat of our heart.  I once dreamt that I was on my knees, tears falling to the ground creating puddles of tears.  Each time a tear fell into the puddle it caused a ripple effect that made my heart break a little harder, hurt a little more.  I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard a whisper in the wind "Eternal Life with My Father is worth the pain in your heart.  Believe always."  As I opened my eyes and looked into the puddle of my own tears I saw an image of myself kneeling down and crying.  The ripples in the water slowly faded away and next to my image there was Jesus leaning over me with his hand on my shoulder.  As soon as it was there, it was gone and the puddle dried up.  That was 3,041 days ago when my journal entry read:

"LOG ENTRY 1:  I believe.  I will see you again someday.  Love Always, Jett."

Band-Aids On The Inside

I remember when I was a little kid, in my single digit ages, I always seemed to be wearing Band-Aids as if they were part of my morning getting dressed routine.  A scraped up elbow or knee from falling off a bike or skateboard.  A splinter in my finger from the handrail on our front steps.  A fresh bite mark from my baby sister when I let myself get to close to teasing her.  A Band-Aid across my nose when I missed a step running up the basement stairs because I was afraid the monster would grab my feet through the steps.  Perhaps that is why I 'tripped'. 

I remember as a kid thinking Band-Aids were cool.  Someone would ask you what happened and you could tell them how brave you were when you turned the corner to sharp on your bike and wiped out.  How you ran down the basement to get your mom potatoes for the nights meal and you tripped coming back up from losing your balance due to the heavy bucket you carried up for her.  How you were sharing your treat with your little sister when she decided to take a bite of you.  The injuries were always worth the stories you could tell about how you got them.

My best Band-Aid memory was when my mom and me walked up Lemon Street to Morningside Ave to the public library to get books to read for the week.  We got up to the church along Morningside Ave that was along the way.  I saw a bush of flowers and wanted to pick one for my mom because I loved her so much for walking me to the library.  Turns out I should of used more caution as I grabbed the flower that turned out to be a rose with a stem full of thorns.  It was a long walk to the library after that but before we stopped at the library my mom headed straight for corner of Peters Park and when she turned left at the stop light and we walked down past the post office I knew we were headed for the Dairy Queen. 

I remember when we got to the Dairy Queen I showed the lady taking our order the three spots on my hand that got 'bit' by the thorns on that stem.  She took me to the back, washed my hand and put Band-Aids on my wounds.  When anyone asked me about my wounds I wouldn't have to make up a cool story at all, I already had one!  Turns out the truth of the story of how I got my injuries was not one I should of told to my birth dad.  In my excitement of the day I forgot that our walks during the day were forbidden, by his command we were never to leave our house beyond the yard.  Not only did I received wounds a Band-Aid would never cover, so did my mom.  At the hands of that monster we were taught a lesson we would not soon forget.  It was from that day on I never again, not once, explained my injuries and how I obtained them to anyone.

It was from that day on that I discovered wounds and scars and pains that no size of Band-Aid could ever hide.  Through the next seven years I would learn to hide my fear and pain from the world, including myself.  From that point on a bite, a splinter, a scraped elbow or knee was minor compared to the bruises and broken bones you could hide behind your clothing.  The black eye you got from your birth dad is a lot more painful to look at than the one you got when you ran into the corner of a dresser.  From that day on both my mom and me suffered abuse at the hands of my birth dad.  From that day on both my mom and me covered our wounds with denial.  From that day on both my mom and me never spoke about what Band-Aids could never hide.

I buried my lifes 'ickies' for seven years.  Scars on the inside that no one could see.  Abuse so physical layers of clothing was the only Band-Aid I could hide behind.  Abuse so verbal not even heavy metal music through headphones cold make the words fade.  Abuse so ugly in a sexual nature that it knocked the beauty right out of any life I knew. 

I learned at a very young age not to judge others because you do not know what they have gone through in their lives.  We don't see the scars on the inside of others.  We don't know their pain, whether it is self inflicted or by the hands and motions of others.  We don't see the splinters in a heart, the bruises under the clothes, the scabs formed on on the memories.  There are no bandages to see, to let us know that something is not right.  There are no bandages that let us know to handle someone with care as to not hurt them more.  No tears to give us a heads up to ask what is wrong, show them we care.

I can attest to the fact that the more abused you are, the more pain you have to hide from others, the better you become at it.  In fact, you become so accustom to shielding yourself from the abuse you become somewhat of an expert of hiding it from people that are in your life daily.  You can hide it from siblings, parents, spouses, family members, friends and even a therapist when you need to.  Worst of all, you get to be an expert at hiding your pain from yourself. 

Wounds heal and scars fade away, but the memories of abuse last forever, even after your abuser has left this earth.  In some cases it gets worse when your abuser has died.  You lose the fear of running into them again someday on earth.  You know they can no longer hurt you physically or sexually abuse you, but the mental abuse seems to never go away.  Since you no longer have your abuser to blame, you turn the blame onto yourself.  You spend hours a day trying to figure out what you did wrong, what you could have done differently.  You never forgive yourself.  No matter how many times you are told by others it wasn't your fault.  That it was his illness not yours.  That you are a victim, you were victimized.  Your therapist tries to help you sort it out, day by day, back another day until you visit the very first time you were abused. It only brings back all the pain, all the fears, all the denial.

A seven year old boy who told daddy how he got stuck with thorns trying to pick a flower for his mommy because she not only took him to get books to read she bought him an ice cream treat.  A seven year old boy who never once got a hand laid on him before that day, who never got yelled at or called names by his daddy, who never had a hand laid on him in an inappropriate manner.  And in one day he caused his daddy enough anger by disobeying his commands, breaking his rules, that him and his mommy got beat with a belt so hard it left bruises on their skin, scars on their souls, and broke their hearts.  A day when three lives were changed forever, a day when a daddy and a mommy and a son would die on the inside.  A day when a seven year old boy would learn that not only a Band-Aid could hide a wound.

Be careful and mindful in your life on how you treat others.  Be careful in how you judge someone based on the outside shell that protects an inside scar.  Be mindful of a past you have not witnessed.  A kind word, a warm smile, a slight nod of the head.  A handshake, a wave, a friendly hello.  It cost nothing to give and its reward is priceless.  Remember, you may not see a Band-Aid but that does not mean there is not a wound.  You may not see a scar but a memory never fades.  You may not see tears but someone could be drowning on the inside.  Judge not, least you be judged.

STUFF HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE A KID,

IT SCARS YOU FOR LIFE - Corey Haim

... because I loved you the most ...

God took them all because I loved them the most.

I want you to know that this is not about you, this is about me.  Please try to understand this with an open mind and try not to make this about you.  This IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I understand more than you realize what is going on with your brain cancer.  I understand you are experiencing brain fog and that your short term memory is not working right now.  I get that you will be late and I know your attention span is very short right now.  I get it, I really do, and I know it is not something you can control no matter how much you want to be in control of it right now.  I hope with all my heart that you realize you should not take this personal on behave of myself.

My frustration does not lay with-in you and your actions.  My frustration is with life.  You know more about me than any one individual on earth.  That doesn't scare me at all.  From day one you supported my issues, you comforted my soul.  From day one you showed me unconditional love and pushed it on me until I accepted it, embraced it, got comfortable with it.  From day one listened to my stories, my fears, my dreams, my hopes and my faith.  You never let me down.

The only other people that know me more than you do are in heaven. Taken from me by God.  He took away the people I loved the most, the deepest, the purest.   

I loved my little sister and the three years I got to have her on earth with me would never be enough even if it had been a million years.  God took her from because I loved her the most.

I loved my oldest brother and the thought of him taking me away to live with him when he was done with college.  I knew I could tell him my troubles and through my tears he would save me from the very things he had to save himself from.  I loved the thought of leaving my troubles behind and growing up normal.  God took him from me because I loved him the most.

I loved my brother Joey with everything I had.  I loved how he loved and cared for me enough to take me places and be my buddy.  I loved he taught me how to hit a baseball, skate on roller skates, not scream when I rode the rides at the carnival in Peter's Park.  I loved that he loved me enough to promise me a better life and save me from the monster who tried to destroy my heart, my soul, my youth.  God took him from me because I loved him the most.

I loved my mom with all my heart and after my sister died I knew then that now my mom was the greatest love of my life.  Eighteen years was not going to be enough time to spend with my mom.   God took her from me because I loved her the most.

I loved Amazing Gracie the moment I met her. I loved her strength, her courage, her spunk, her innocence and I fell in love with the story of her life.  I loved the life's lesson I was learning from that sweet eight year old girl.  God took her from me because I loved her the most.

I loved a lot of people along the way.  People who listened to my dreams.  People who tried to calm my fears.  People who accepted me for who I am , where I came, where I was heading.  People who made me laugh and dried my tears.  People who let me annoy them.  People who helped  me understand I am good, I have a good heart, I have a good soul.  And God took them away from me too, because I was loving them the most.

I love Jake and I love how he helped me grow from that awkward chubby boy to the confident successful young man I want others to believe I am.  I loved him the most, and then I remembered God takes those that we love the most and I distance myself from him so God could see I loved HIM the most. 

I love you Pooh, but I love you the most. I love how you let a stupid little mouthy kid into your life, be part of your family.  How you shared them with me and let them love me too.  How you challenged me in life to face my fears.  How you let me know its ok to be love and to love back.  I loved you most and HE knew, so inside your head a tumor grew.  I want you to be ok, I want you to live forever.  I want to be your friend.  I want to love you the most, but I cannot chance God taking you from the world.  It breaks my heart but broken hearts can heal.  It's more important for you to live and be in the lives of so many people that love you. 

Every time you are 'late', or see a 'shiny' object, or forget something I've told you the day before.  Each time something happens to remind me you are going through this difficult time I am reminded that God is in control and as long as I love Him the most, you will be ok.  I know you will be ok, you are so loved and have so many prayers going up to the heavens above there is no way God is ready for you to leave us.  Unless I love you the most. 
 

Motherless Son's and Daughter's

It's here. Mothers Day 2015.  That time of year when "motherless" sons and daughters are reminded of the loss of a love so great it can never be replaced.  I'm sure there are a lot of first timers of  Motherless Day reading this.  A day where you silently stand by and witness all the joys of others celebrating this special day that honor mothers of the world and all they do for us.  A day where mom's don't cook, mom's don't clean, mom's don't lift a finger unless its to provide a hug to their sons and/or daughters.  Where mom's get flowers, visits, dinners out, desserts in.

If you're a first timer to Motherless Day you will find yourself grieving all over again for the mom you wish back to earth, back into your journey.  You will cry, be sad, get angry, ask God why.  You will fill empty in your heart and see constant reminders of your mom being gone from your physical world.  There is no denying on this day that she is gone.  You will face it head on as you see all the other mother's around you being treated like queens today.  There is no more escaping what you have been so far denying.  Your mom is gone.  There is no spending today showing your mom how much you love her and appreciate everything she has done for you.  Gone. Forever.  Put to rest. 

If you're not a first timer to Motherless Day you will still grieve but you will be able to comfort your aching heart as you remember why you miss her so much.  You will spend time today thinking about all the ways you love your mom and your mom loves you.  Memories she left with you, memories you kept with you.  It's just as painful as the first Motherless Day you had since your mom went to heaven, you just have learned to deal with it on a whole new level.  You miss her just as much but you reach deep into your heart and pull out memories of days gone by. 

The warm coats in the winter, the long walks in the summer.  The special birthday cakes made for your special day, the homemade cards made and written with love from you moms heart.  The meals she made you the clothes she washed for you.  The hands that did everything out of the love in her heart for you.  So many memories that only a mother could give you.  Each day since she passed you cried and you laughed and you missed her and the love she showered upon you.

You walk alone in your journey thinking about how much you loved her and how much she loved you and you marvel t the thought of how many times you felt so much love for her yet once she was gone you found how you loved her even more than you fathomed when she was her with you.  You honor her everyday and even though you know there is one day set aside each year for mothers you think about how mothers should be honored every day.  You find yourself thinking about how much wiser you became after she died only to realize it was she who taught you everything you know about life, about love, about death.  She taught you all you know about sadness and heartache and happiness. 

You wonder why you could not see how valuable she was to your life when she was still beating inside her heart.  How you could not see that you are who you are because of your mom, only to realize that upon her death.  You realize now how much you are like her, the things that brought you closer, the times you shared with her.  You realize now that she is gone that you were capable of giving her so much more of your heart, share so much more of your life with her.  You are now aware of not just how much you loved her but how much she loved you.  You realize now that she was more than a mother, she was also your friend. 

 

It doesn't ever get easier my friends but it gets more bearable.  Let the tears fall for as long as you need too.  Let the sadness strings pull at your heart.  Let the memories, good and bad, seep out of your hearts and into your minds.  Cherish the memories of times spent with your mothers and allow yourself to relive as many moments as you can between the tears.  Honor your mother this day, and every day, until you meet her again in an eternal life that will end your fears and tears of a life on earth in the absence of your mother. 

I love you Mom and I miss you every minute of every day. What I didn't get to say to you when you were here with me is how much I love you and am thankful for everything you left with me to survive in my motherless world.  Love you to the heavens and back.  RIP ~ Jett

 

Friends Of A Grieving Friend

 

I could make a mile long list of what not to say to a person grieving the death of their mother.  The only thing worse than saying the wrong thing, is saying nothing at all.  Depending on how you fit into the life of the grieving person weighs heavy on their hearts.  I remember when my mom past away there were many people who only knew me in passing, mostly at school.  They were so kind with their simple condolences.  Hugs from the girls, nods for the guys.  A brief but uncomplicated "I'm really sorry about your loss."  I always felt that was so appropriate and thanked them for their kind thoughts.  There, said and done and we could all move pass the uncomfortable stage of whether or not to acknowledge my loss.  I needed nothing more from these casual acquaintances in my life.

There were those in my life that were more than a casual acquaintance but not really considered a friend.  Those I had direct interactions with, fellow students who were in my classes every day.  They also expressed to me how sorry they were that my mom died and they also asked me several times for a few weeks how I was doing.  I knew they meant well but I also knew they really didn't want to hear the details of how broken my heart was.  They knew it was, they were concerned enough to ask and I appreciated that level of concern even though I would tell them I was doing OK and it was kind of them to ask.  I also was able to move on with these more then casual people in my life.  It was important for them and I that we all moved on in our studies.  I needed nothing more from this group of people when it came to my grief.

My professors and close classmates were a bit tougher to deal with daily.  They knew me well and were comfortable enough to not only ask how I was doing but also felt they should follow through with a bit of advice on the unsettled death of my mom in my heart.  "You know she is in a better place" , "It gets easier with time" , "You will feel better in a couple months" , "Things will be back to normal before you know it".  They all meant well but after you hear those phrases for two or three months straight you really would just rather of them had not said them at all.  It's been over two years since my mom died and I still don't feel better, things will never be normal again, it hasn't gotten easier, and even though I feel she is in a better place doesn't mean I don't wish she were still here with me.  But I understand the discomfort of watching someone you know in so much pain that a band aid could never fix. 

My Misfit family was right there for me.  One thing about families, when it comes to grieving, they really are the only ones who get the pain.  You are comfortable with them when you cry from the pain, laugh from the memories and get angry in the absence of the one you love.  All the emotions you feel, they know them well because they also feel them.  Your family accepts each emotion you go through as you go through it.  They never leave you and you are ok with their hugs and words because at some point you get to give them right back to them.  When it comes to grieving your family can say no wrong, do not wrong.

Your best friends are the hardest part of your grieving broken heart.  There is nothing they can say or do to comfort you.  They want to help, but there is no helping.  We want them to help but we don't want to trouble them.  We want to cry with them, we want to hug them, we want them to tell us we will be ok.  Your best friends are the ones that are supposed to be there for you at all cost.  Stand by you through it all.  Sacrifice everything to support you in your grief no matter how long it takes you to 'get back to normal'.  They understand the stages, the denial, the depression, the bargaining with your faith, the anger, the shock, the guilt, and finally the acceptance. 

Your best friend is supposed to be there from the beginning when the shock of the death sets in.  They should share stories of the final days of your mom's life, ask the hard questions.  "Did she suffer?  Was she at peace?  Did you find closure?"

Your best friend is supposed to be there when you slip into denial that your mother is gone.  They should be there to ease you back into reality asking you the tough questions.  "That was a beautiful service do you feel your mom would have been pleased with it?  Have you visited your mom at her resting place, do you find peace there?"

Your best friend should help you through the anger in your heart.  Force you to think about what is making you angry.  Letting you know that anger is real and it is ok to be upset.  Ask the questions no one else would dare to ask.  "Are you upset with God for taking your mom home?  Are you angry with your mom for leaving you?"

Your best friend should challenge you when you bargain with God in hopes of Him returning your mom to you.  Ask you how you are coping with letting her go or are you asking God to turn back time.  "You are not making deals with the devil are you?  You are still faithful and trusting in God's plan for your mom right?"

Your best friend should recognize the guilt you face in what you could have done better.  Ask you enough questions that make you realize you did all you could do and it was just time for her to go.  "You know you could not have done anything any better then what you did right?  You did a great job seeing your mom through her illness and poor health, you realize this don't you?"

Your best friend should realize when depression is setting in and pull you out of that.  Your best friend should be there for you when you are at your lowest, when you are the most lost in your grief for your mom.  Your best friend should never have to ask if you are depressed, they should be next to you as you fall through it and rise up again.  Your best friend should ask enough questions to help you realize you need to lift up and celebrate the time you had with your mom so you can remember the love she had for you.  "Your mom would be so proud of how you are taking care of your dad, do you feel she would be?  You have such great memories of your moms life in your heart, do you feel her in your heart?"

When you start accepting your mom is gone and that void will be forever in your life, it is your best friend who should help you realize that your mom is still in your heart and her soul is still alive. Your best friend should never stop talking to you about your mom.  Sharing memories, the great ones and the not so great ones, is an important part of the hope that one day you will be with her again.  Your best friend should never shy away from accepting your moms death with you.  Your best friend should forever make sure to ask you about your mom.  "I think about your mom so much, I know you do to, are you finding peace in the memories?  Do you want to talk about your mom or go see your mom today?"

When my mom died I had a few great friends who forced me to get through the grieving process by helping me relive my mom's life.  They understood my anger, my frustration and they allowed me to cry and often cried with me.  They have never stopped asking me how I was doing.  They acknowledge the day she died with phone calls and cards.  They never forget, they never let me down.  They surrounded me when I needed them near me and even when I did not.  They force their way in especially on the days I miss her the most.  They don't ask, they just know.  They get that the grieving process never really ends and the seven stages come and go randomly. 

 

It's In The Clouds

I have, for several years now, took advantage of the cloudiest of days to lay back on the deck in a lounge chair and watch the clouds roll by.  It's just always been a peaceful relaxing way to spend time to me.  I recall my dad, Papa Jake, accusing me of being lazy and that's putting it in a lot nicer terms then he ever did.  I never argued the point with him, I just invited him to join me.  Explained to him that he should try it, chill out, enjoy the breeze.  I also remember that once the 'misfit littles' starting entering my life it wasn't as peaceful as it used to be.  It was fun though and to this day I enjoy watching the clouds pass by whether I am doing it alone, with my wife, or with the misfit littles.

I used to look at the biggest fluffiest clouds moving through my sight, waiting for my brother Joey's feet to appear, hanging over the edge of the cloud.  I always imagined that whatever cloud Joey would catch rides on, he would also be laying on his back enjoying the clouds above him.  It was a way I could feel him and I were still together, hanging out, being brothers.  There are times when I swear I see them and then just as quickly they disappear.  One could call it great hope that I would someday find his feet draped over his heavenly ride, personally I call it faith. 

Lately I have seen a bunch of pictures online that have been of clouds where angels were formed.  I'm not going to try to fool you, since my Iowa buddy Steve captured some clouds that formed a heart shape in the sky (see picture above) I have been dying to find something in the sky formed out of clouds that is really really cool.  Now I'm not talking about clouds that look like puppies laying on their backs or dragons breathing fire.  I'm talking about a spiritual cloud so awesome and outstanding that I know my brother Joey hung it in the sky right in front of me so I could see it.

It was those 'misfit littles' that had me looking for trucks and dolls and merry-go-rounds in a desperate search for anything that resembled more than a just a cloud.  I will admit laying on my back in the park with the littles around me laying there looking up at the same clouds in the same sky as I was is very entertaining.  We start out in silence as directed by myself but it isn't long before they want everyone to see what they are seeing.  A great example of the innocence in the imagination of the littles in our world is everyone looking at the same cloud. "I see a white horse with his tail up in the air trotting along".   "I see a a little boy with a kite that is waving at us."   "I see superman."  I look at that cloud and try to see a horse, a little boy and his kite and even superman.  "What do you see Uncle Jett?"  My heart sinks, "A cloud," I tell them.  One of them will nudge over next to me and take my arm in their hand and point it to the sky.  "Right there, see his tail?"  Still I see a cloud but I also look around the edge of the cloud looking for Joeys feet to plop over the side. 

They give up on me as they lay there and continue to try to convince each other what they see is really what they all should be seeing.  I listen to their chatter as I continue to look at all the clouds and find my own piece of art moving through the sky.  I feel as if I will never see something as spectacular as a heart shaped cloud or an angel spreading their wings.  But I never give up.  Next cloudy day I will be right there laying on my back looking for my heavenly sign from my brother in heaven. 

Looking up in the sky watching the clouds and trying to make sense of their shape and size is probably a game many of us enjoy doing.   Maybe some of us are just looking up and enjoying the breeze.  Maybe some of us are looking up in appreciation of the blue and white colors.  Maybe some of us are looking for that heart shaped cloud or that angel.  Whatever it is that has us looking up at those clouds also has us looking up to the heavens above.  Next time you take a peek up, stop and say a little prayer to thank God for being able to see that beauty, or to thank him for the opportunity to be able to enjoy the fresh air.  Pray for a loved one, pray for your enemy, pray for yourself.  After all, you are looking in the right direction.  You don't always have to be on your knees in church praying to and thanking God.  Take a moment on your cloudy days and find a new appreciation for all you are blessed with, the good and the not so good.  Remember, it's in the clouds.

WHAT DO YOU SEE IN THE CLOUDS?

 

Be The Difference In Someone's Day

A single act of kindness throws out

 roots in all directions,

and the roots spring up and

 make new trees.

~Amelia Earhart

People watching is something everyone ought to be required to do at least once in their lives.  We all watch people but very few actually people watch.  What is the difference?  Watching people is something we do naturally.  As we stroll through our day and we notice someone doing something out of the ordinary, something we consider bizarre, we watch them.  We casually stare in their direction, judge their actions and move on. 

People watching is much different.  It is when you decide to sit quietly and observe the actions of those around you.  It is taking note of what someone is doing, and how it has affected someone else.  In the best case scenario you will observe someone doing something so touching and positive that it will change someone in the most spiritual sense.  People watching can be something so small to you yet be so rewarding to someone else.  Someone else's actions can easily influence the outcome of someone else's day.

I am reminded of an angel in heaven who while still on earth spread joy to others with such a fun small gesture she called warm fuzzies.  A letter, a phone call, a bag with cocoa and candy in it, each one given to a specific person she knew that needed a lift in their day.  I've recently seen in the news about young adults leaving post-it notes with encouraging words on them to strangers throughout their day.  In my own apartment building we have someone who has been leaving small potted plants in front of the doors of others that live in the same building with a note that simply says "life is beautiful". 

My wife and I recently met in a small diner in the back bay of Boston for lunch.  A very elderly couple walked in and was seated at the table next to ours.  The old man helped his wife take her coat off and pulled her chair out for her then sat down.   The waitress took their order and the elderly couple sat across from each silently as they waited for their coffee to arrive.  They drank their hot coffee in silence, even as the little diner's guests enjoyed the conversation of those they dinned with.

I tried to guess at the life they lived together.  Clearly they had been together for years by the looks of the faded wedding bands each of them wore.  I thought they looked tired, tired from a life of many years they have walked their journey.  Surely they are retired from whatever careers they had chosen for themselves so many years ago.  Even their shoes were dusty and had worn out wrinkles that ran cross the tops of them.  I didn't know whether to feel that their life had been good to them, or bad to them but one thing I was sure of, they were good to each other.

I looked beyond their table to the table next to them that was occupied with a family of four.  A young businessman, a young mother and what appeared to be their two children.  I guessed their ages to be four and six or close to that.  Their food had just been delivered to them and just seconds later the elderly couples meal had arrived.  My attention went back to the elderly couple when I noticed with no words spoken they reached across their table and held hands.  They bowed their heads in silence and appeared to be giving thanks for the bounty they were about to receive.  Not a word spoken, just actions that made you believe they had practiced this their entire life together as they sat down to eat and give thanks for the blessings in their lives.

Beyond their table I saw the younger of the two boys watching this couple.  When he whispered something to his parents and then they all took each others hands and the father lead them in a small prayer of thanks for the meal they were about to consume, I knew.  I knew that what that little boy was doing was more then watching people, he was people watching.  I knew that elderly couple who was just simply going about their day, business as usual, made an impression on the young boy observing them.  The smile on his face after their family prayer was as big as his heart could hold. 

When the waitress of the young family brought their ticket to them the young man said a few words, handed her his card and away she went.  She came back and thanked them for their business, wished them a great day and they went about their way.   A few minutes later the elderly couple asked for their ticket and were told that the little family next to them picked up their tab.  The old man went behind his wife, pulled her chair back and helped her up.  He helped her put her coat on and they made their way to the counter.  I thought how nice of them to stop and leave a tip for the waitress who certainly was already tipped by the young family.

My wife and I had finished our lunch and asked the waitress for our ticket.  "The elderly couple next to you picked up your ticket for you."  We looked at each other and thanked the waitress.  We stopped at the counter and paid for the three college kids who sat behind us, to pay it forward.  Random acts of kindness, all of them the result of an old man and his little wife who stopped to give thanks to God for the meal they were about to consume.  Had that young boy not been people watching and caught a glimpse of the occupants of the table next to him, those random acts of kindness would have had to wait for another day. 

Lives lived. Lives changed. Lives enriched. 

May Your Faith Be Bigger Than Your Fear

2 Timothy 1:7:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear,

but of power and of love and of a sound mind”

As amazing as the medical world is and as advanced as it becomes and changes on a daily basis there are still times when a life cannot be saved.  Long before one is considered terminal many turn to God in prayer as they struggle with a medical issue.  Your life has changed when you are facing death and if you are a survivor you embrace your second chance and your life as you knew it is forever changed.  If you are faced with the news you are terminal you embrace God and work on accepting that He is now inviting you into His Kingdom for a life of eternal happiness and never ending health.

What does a child do when they are facing a terminal illness?  How do we help them cope with the end of life that has really only just begun?  There is help available for you as you watch your child die.  There are options for you to choose from as you try to make the remainder of your child's life comfortable and pain free.  There are others who will assist you in helping your child understand they are facing death and what that means to them. 

I introduced my blog followers to eight year old Grace (my little Amazing Gracie) as together her and I blogged about her life, and her death.  Gracie allowed us to spend the final months of her life with her as she revealed to us her strength as she was dying.  Gracie's parents welcomed us unselfishly into their lives as they dealt with the upcoming death of their only child.  We saw death invading their lives from inside their hearts, and from the inside of the mind of the daughter slipping away from them.

Gracie was born on Jan 20, 2004 and died on May 27, 2012.  I met Gracie on Nov 19, 20012 and I had visited her last on May 27, 2012.  I first blogged about Gracie on Feb 4, 2012.  I knew Gracie for a little over six months of her very short life lived on earth.  I feel as if I have known Gracie for my entire 22 years on earth.  One of the last wishes Gracie relayed to me was "I wish that no kid ever again has to die, but because God needs them in His park, my wish is that more people like you becomes their friend and is not afraid to watch them die."

I promised my sweet little Amazing Gracie friend that I would continue to befriend terminally sick kids at the Children's Hospitals in Boston MA as well as hospitals around the world as I travel.  In return she promised me to meet all my angels that are, or will arrive, in heaven before God calls me home.  I know she has kept her promise and I am keeping my promise. 

It is something that I have continued to do, keeping my promise to Gracie.  I continue to meet some of the most amazing, courageous kids of all ages as I stroll through hospitals.  I am not their medical consultants and I am not their care giver.  I am their friend.  I am the guy that listens to their stories, reads to them from books that interest them. I talk to them about their hobbies and their interests.  I cry with them when they want to cry, I laugh with them when they want to laugh.  I play barbies with the girls and superhero with the boys.  We color pictures and watch TV.

And I learn from them.  Each child I have spent time with teaches me more about life than any adult I know.  Through their demise I also learn about death.  The children I spend time with will not survive their earths journey.  I know that going in and they know that going out.  Sometimes they want to talk about that and tell me how they feel, what they think.  When they do I tell them how brave they are and how much braver they are than any super hero ever.  They do not hesitate to tell me to be brave too and they go on about all the reasons why I should be brave with them.  Kids like to talk about God and I love to listen to their take on eternity and what it means to them.  I love hearing them describe to me what they think heaven is like. 

I get to met their parents and grieve with them way before their child's time on earth is done.  I listen to their stories and work with them to find comfort as they face an unbearable pain that is known only to those who have lost a child.  I pray with them for strength as they face the known truth, that which is that their child will soon be gone from their physical world. 

It started with little Amazing Gracie and it leaked over into my nieces and nephews and I continue to be amazed by the children I meet in my life.  Not just the sick children I spend time with but the children around me through friends, family, my church and even kids running through the park.  It is amazing to watch these miracles from God and witness a faith and love so big, so unconditional, then I've ever known.  The trust, the innocence, the hopes, the dreams.  The way a child looks at the world, the hopes and wishes they dive into with complete belief, little hesitation. 

I recall a conversation Gracie and I had regarding fear.  She showed so little fear in everything we did together, very little hesitation in what we were doing.  Her decisions were solid and she knew what she wanted and when she wanted it.  I remember that she started the conversation by asking me if I was afraid that she would die.  I told her yes, and that I was afraid of how badly I would miss her. I asked Gracie if she was afraid.  "No", she answered me, "the angels told me that God said not to be afraid.  The angels said that God said to tell me "Fear not for I am with you."

#WE ARE NOT QUITTERS

Thirty three days devoted to thirty three radiation treatments for a friend with brain cancer.  It's so very important to remain faithful, strong, and encouraged  when you battle any kind of health issues.  Where does your strength come from?  Who is praying for you?  In whose thoughts were in as you stayed in the fight and completed your treatment?  Who helps you realize #YouAreNotAQuitter?  Who never left your side because #TheyAreNotAQuitter?  Who listened repeatedly when you told them #WeAreNotQuitters? 

Day 1: As the Sun rises with each new day, thank the Lord for all he has given you and all you are about to receive. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 2: I believe in God, the Father, the Almighty ... and in Him, through Him, with Him, I shall cast aside my fears and trust Him in all things before me.
#WeAreNotQuitters

Day 3: The FAITH you have inside you comes from your LOVE of GOD. The more you BELIEVE in HIM, the more you TRUST HIM, the stronger you become. That is what gets you through the obstacles you face in life. Let nothing stand in your way of the path you take to get to Eternity. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 4: Do not let fear weigh you down and take away your desire to move forward in your FAITH. Believe in God as you do in the wind, sight unseen you know it's power. The stronger it blows the more you feel it around you. Trust in God like you do the wind. Enjoy the gentle breezes in life and brace yourself for the storms you face. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 5: Most of GOD's work goes unseen, unheard, unappreciated, but HE continues to give freely, love unconditionally, bless evenly. Feel the warmth of HIS love at its finest when you need it the most but know it never leaves you, not even when you need it the least. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 6: Be strong in your faith, trust in God and all things good. Accept His way for it is the truth that lights the path in your journey to Him. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 7: Be humble in your journey, be trusting in The Lord and of the heavens above this earth. Stay strong in your faith, stay true to HIS teachings. There is no inconvenient time to pray. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 8: When life gets to busy for us to include GOD, HE finds ways for us to slow down and let HIM in. Let HIM! Rejoice and be glad, for HE is the Savior we unknowingly seek. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 9: Like the wind that whispers your name, the angels call out to you with the flutter of their wings, letting you know they are there to comfort you, support you, keep you warm. Let them in. #WeAreNotQuitters

Day 10. Be strong in your will to live, and when you find yourself in doubt of your own strength, let others be strong for you. Lean on God in the good times and the bad. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 11:  To pray is to believe. To believe is to trust. To trust is to have hope. To have hope is to have faith. Faith alone will provided you the strength to win.  Hope and trust provides light along the way. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 12: For all good things come from HIM, through HIM, with HIM and in HIM ... because HE so loved the world and everyone in it. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 13: If there were never storms with big gusts of winds we would never know the beauty of a gentle breeze. Embrace ALL of GOD'S gifts, trust in ALL HE has to offer, never wish any of it away. PRAYERS provide STRENGTH. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 14: Jesus walking on water was a Miracle, you believing HE did is Faith, you wanting to believe HE did is Hope, you sharing HIS Miracle with others is Trust. Share HIS stories. Spread HIS Word. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 15: GOD will reveal to us what matters and what matters not. Love no one or nothing more than you love HIM. Follow HIS heart and you are on the right path. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 16: At some point in our lives we have to believe in someone, trust someone, love someone. Open your heart to God, believe, trust, and love Him above all others. The rest will fall in place. ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters‬ Rejoice in His gift of life. Repay Him by living His Word.

DAY 17:  If you don't believe in the gift of life ... hold a baby.  If you don't believe in the gift of life ... hug a grandmother.  The circle of life begins and ends with miracles. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 18: You are not blessed for what you have, you are blessed for what you do not have. It is what you hold in your heart and soul that reveals the truth about who you are. ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters‬ ‪#‎LiveSimpleDieHumble‬

DAY 19: When we question God it is not His faith we are doubting ... it is our own faith we are struggling with.  Through Him all things pass ... through Him we find comfort and peace. ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters‬ ‪#‎BelieveInMiracles

DAY 20: When you pray you are asking God for strength, either for yourself or for others who need it. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 21:  When life's moments changes our faith and refocuses our priorities the balance often gets forgotten. don't forget the balance is what made you strong enough to carry you and your faith to a higher ground of hope.  Don't forget the people who have silently never left your side. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 22:  What begins with hope ends with faith. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 23: Trust Him with all your heart.  Follow Him with faith.  Praise Him all the days of your life.#WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 24: At any given moment GOD can place someone in your life who will be the strength you ran out of ... at any given moment HE can also remove them to see if your faith will hold you up. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 25:  Though I have failed HIM many times HE has never failed me.   The power of prayer is testament to HIS love for us. #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 26: Cloudy days do not create gloomy moods. Gloomy moods create clouded minds. Look for the rainbow, be the sunshine. ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters‬

DAY 27: STRENGTH alone does not provide us with desired results. It's a combination of FAITH HOPE and TRUST. It's knowing we are never alone in our journey. Never alone in our sorrow. ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 28: Each breath we breathe is a gift. Each day we awaken is a blessing. Give thanks, rejoice, and be glad. ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 29: We will stumble and we will fall, and each time we do our faith in GOD will bring us to our feet once again.  There are no tests to measure our pain, no scale to weigh our gain.  Time is our strength, day in and day out. ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 30:  Stop looking for a life to live and start looking for a purpose to serve.  It proves to be less work and more fulfilling ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters‬

DAY 31:  At the end of the day if you can say you did your very best ... if you can say you walked with Jesus ... if you can say you never gave up ... you won ‪#‎WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 32: Courage is facing your battles head on even when fear paralyzes your strength #WeAreNotQuitters

DAY 33: For the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory are yours, now and forever.   Stand strong against the odds against you.  Fight for what you believe, embrace the impossible.  Battles are won with prayer, wars are beaten with Faith. ‪#‎SheIsNotAQuitter‬

 

Zero Balnce Due

 

 

I look back at the time I got to spend with my little friend Amazing Gracie who at the age of eight lost the war with cancer. There were many battles between Gracie and her brain cancer in the almost two years of their fight with each and Gracie won the majority of those battles but in the end she surrendered to the war and they parted ways.  Gracie earned her spot in heaven and cancer stayed left behind on earth.  Many have let go of their battle after a courageous fight, I was honored to have been by Gracie's side the last six months of her life and in many ways blessed to have been able to observe her fight from so close to it.

My brother Joey died of lung cancer when he was 24 years old.  I watched him lose battle after battle in the two years it took for cancer to win that war.  I watched from a very different perspective then I did when I sat with Gracie during her fight.  I watched as the little brother who had never heard of, or seen the presence of, someone's war with cancer.  I watched my brother slowly lose his life not knowing that he was actually dying.  I waited day after day, week after week, month after month for him to get better.  I anticipated the day him and I could once again go to the park and play catch, or go to a movie, or sneak away and eat junk food until we felt ready to burst.

With Gracie I knew from the day I met her that she would die.  By the time I had the privilege of meeting her she was already classified as a terminal cancer patient with just a few months to live.  I was sad for her and I cried for her almost daily as I journeyed with her as she prepared herself to leave this earth.  I never once gave way to the hope of ever seeing her graduate, getting married or having children of her own because from day one Gracie made it very clear to me that she was leaving us and going to live with GOD.  At the age of eight years old Gracie had the strength of GOD himself and that along with the innocence of a child had helped her take her last breath, beyond a breath of life, that would carry her to a better place.  A pain free, worry free, beautiful place for an eternity beyond the world who could not save her.  GOD was saving her is something she covered with me more than once.

It was hard to even think of Gracie as only being eight.  When I first started spending time with Gracie I wondered if she truly was an angel GOD put on earth to help me find comfort in a life that I felt had dealt me a losing hand.  Day after day that I spent time with her I was amazed by her strength, her determination, her will.  Not to live, but to die.  I think to myself still today how while most of us were trying to live a better life, Gracie was trying to die with as much gusto as most of us were trying to live.  I often still wonder ... where did Gracie get her faith in moving onto an eternal life beyond her breaths on earth? 

Gracie left nothing in the balance as she exited her life on earth.  The entire final months of her life that I spent with her, she continued to work on her eight year life to make sure there was no balance when she was gone.  She knew she was leaving and she was determined to leave having everything all tidied up so no one felt left out of the life she lived while she was still here.  I remember when I first visited Gracie at her home and walked into a bedroom that was as pretty in pink as a girl could ask for.  I also remember the final day I visited Gracie at her home and saw how she coordinated the transition of that little girl bedroom into a guest room so her parents did not have the heartbreak of facing that room after Gracie was gone.  I sat with Gracie in one of her final days on earth as she dictated to me the rest of her story for me to one day publish so the world would know how much joy and happiness she found in her short time on this earth and how blessed she felt that GOD was inviting her to come live with HIM. 

Gracie thought of everything and everyone up until the day she died.  She accepted the short life GOD gave her and she was honored to get to go live with HIM.  She left this earth with enough instruction to get her parents through their lives and me through mine.  Yes, Gracie was bossy and sassy and in charge of our friendship.  Yes.  Gracie was a child full of fun and games and laughter.  Yes.  Gracie was as girly as a girl could be.  Yes.  Gracie was an angel sent down from above us to spark in us our own fight in a world hungry for more of everything and less of nothing.

Gracie was one of the strongest, most unselfish Christians I had the chance of ever knowing.  In the face of her own battle on earth she lived for others even knowing her own life was ending.  Gracie trusted GOD so much she accepted that her time on earth was meant to leave it a better place.  Gracie left after instilling faith and hope and love in the hearts of those who would never fully understand why HE took her so soon.  

What was important to Gracie the day I met her was as important to her the day she left us.  What was important to Gracie was the people that she was important to.  The people that stood by her, sat next to, never feared her upcoming death, were the people Gracie comforted and the people she made sure understood that she loved them the same today as she did yesterday and would still love tomorrow even after she was gone.  Gracie exited the earth with zero balance due, she gave back what she was given.  When most of us were selfish enough to want to remain a part of her short life Gracie saw to it that we understood she would never forget what we brought to her life when we could of just up and walked away.  Because walking away from sadness and pain is the easy way out, and she wanted to make sure we knew that she knew our decision to stay with her was painful as we watched her work her magic to die better than she had lived.

                                                                    Zero Balance Due.

 

The Look Of Pain

 

We all know what pain feels like and the degree at which it hurts us.  Sometimes the pain is just a ping in our hearts and sometimes the pain rips our hearts to shreds.  A friend of mine who lost her mom before I lost mine said to me something like 'until you have experienced it, you wont know how much it hurts'.  She was right and even though I had lost siblings before the death of my mom, losing my mom hurt just as bad but in a bigger way.  There just really is not an accurate way of describing the pain you feel when your mom exits the earth and enters the heavens above.  Those of us who have lost our moms can also tell you this, that pain never goes away and there are times that just when you think it has hurt your heart as much as it can you will experience a moment when it hurts more then it ever has in the past. 

Every little thing that could possibly remind you of her will.  There will not be a day that passes that something isn't put in your path that will take away a breath as you are reminded of a day when she was still physically with you.   I never kept anything of my mothers that I have sitting out in my home or in my office that reminds me of her when I see it.  I never felt I would need them, I just knew from the deaths in my life before her that there would be plenty of things that would bring back a memory of her for me.  I have a memory keepsake box that holds some personal things of mine that were given to me by my mom.  Holiday cards, birthday cards, a couple little knick-knacks, a newspaper clipping of announcing her death, a pile of poems she had written and a few other items.  I even kept a grocery list she made for me that I never got a chance to pick up for her before she died. There is also a post it note she left on her refrigerator that says "remind Jett Michael to get a haircut".  I never need to open that memory box to be reminded of the love I have for her.

How pain feels, as hard as it is to describe to someone, is nothing compared to the look of pain.  Again, unless you have felt that deep of a pain there is no way you will be able to randomly look at an individual and detect that pain inside of them.  You may attend a funeral service and hear the grief in the sobs or see the grief as tears stream down a face.  You may be able to collectively notice the look of pain at the highest moment of public mourning.  You can assume that the look of pain is seen as you observe a family saying goodbye to their mother one last time before they start to grieve alone.  However, until you have felt it, you will miss the true look of pain that lingers on after the expected grieving time frame has come and gone.

The look of pain never leaves you.  You smile and carry on but that smile will never again be the smile you once showed the world before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life.  Your eyes will hold a sadness that others will never detect if they have never felt your pain.,  They will always hold a bit of dimness that was never there before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life.  You will laugh but your laugh will never be the heartfelt laugh you displayed before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life.  It will look different even if it sounds the same.  Conversations with others will not be as intense even though they will not be able to detect it  Your focus in a one on one conversation will be lessened by the look of pain. 

You will walk by family and you will notice the look of pain in each other because you know each other understands the depth of pain no one else sees.  You will look closer in the eyes of each other because you know you share a special kind of pain that others have no idea is there.  You will see in each other a more painful walk, a less peaceful sleep, an absent breath from your lives as you once had before your mom moved on to an eternal life.  You will unknowingly look for the signs of pain in each other now that you know what each other has loss is the same warmth of a mothers touch, sound of a mothers voice, comfort of a mother who along the way has become your friend. 

In time you will all open up and ask the questions to each other about the pain you share, confirming the pain that no one acknowledges can still be seen.  The rest of your lives together you will see that pain in one another and it will eventually become a comfort to each one of you that the amount of love you had for your mother is equal only to the amount of love you have for your family who hurt as much as you do.  The silent pain that we feel no one understands unless they also have lost their mother to the heavens above us will remain with you all of the days of your life.

 

The Look Of Pain

 

We all know what pain feels like and the degree at which it hurts us.  Sometimes the pain is just a ping in our hearts and sometimes the pain rips our hearts to shreds.  A friend of mine who lost her mom before I lost mine said to me something like 'until you have experienced it, you wont know how much it hurts'.  She was right and even though I had lost siblings before the death of my mom, losing my mom hurt just as bad but in a bigger way.  There just really is not an accurate way of describing the pain you feel when your mom exits the earth and enters the heavens above.  Those of us who have lost our moms can also tell you this, that pain never goes away and there are times that just when you think it has hurt your heart as much as it can you will experience a moment when it hurts more then it ever has in the past. 

Every little thing that could possibly remind you of her will.  There will not be a day that passes that something isn't put in your path that will take away a breath as you are reminded of a day when she was still physically with you.   I never kept anything of my mothers that I have sitting out in my home or in my office that reminds me of her when I see it.  I never felt I would need them, I just knew from the deaths in my life before her that there would be plenty of things that would bring back a memory of her for me.  I have a memory keepsake box that holds some personal things of mine that were given to me by my mom.  Holiday cards, birthday cards, a couple little knick-knacks, a newspaper clipping of announcing her death, a pile of poems she had written and a few other items.  I even kept a grocery list she made for me that I never got a chance to pick up for her before she died. There is also a post it note she left on her refrigerator that says "remind Jett Michael to get a haircut".  I never need to open that memory box to be reminded of the love I have for her.

How pain feels, as hard as it is to describe to someone, is nothing compared to the look of pain.  Again, unless you have felt that deep of a pain there is no way you will be able to randomly look at an individual and detect that pain inside of them.  You may attend a funeral service and hear the grief in the sobs or see the grief as tears stream down a face.  You may be able to collectively notice the look of pain at the highest moment of public mourning.  You can assume that the look of pain is seen as you observe a family saying goodbye to their mother one last time before they start to grieve alone.  However, until you have felt it, you will miss the true look of pain that lingers on after the expected grieving time frame has come and gone.

The look of pain never leaves you.  You smile and carry on but that smile will never again be the smile you once showed the world before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life.  Your eyes will hold a sadness that others will never detect if they have never felt your pain.,  They will always hold a bit of dimness that was never there before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life.  You will laugh but your laugh will never be the heartfelt laugh you displayed before you lost your mom beyond a breath of life.  It will look different even if it sounds the same.  Conversations with others will not be as intense even though they will not be able to detect it  Your focus in a one on one conversation will be lessened by the look of pain. 

You will walk by family and you will notice the look of pain in each other because you know each other understands the depth of pain no one else sees.  You will look closer in the eyes of each other because you know you share a special kind of pain that others have no idea is there.  You will see in each other a more painful walk, a less peaceful sleep, an absent breath from your lives as you once had before your mom moved on to an eternal life.  You will unknowingly look for the signs of pain in each other now that you know what each other has loss is the same warmth of a mothers touch, sound of a mothers voice, comfort of a mother who along the way has become your friend. 

In time you will all open up and ask the questions to each other about the pain you share, confirming the pain that no one acknowledges can still be seen.  The rest of your lives together you will see that pain in one another and it will eventually become a comfort to each one of you that the amount of love you had for your mother is equal only to the amount of love you have for your family who hurt as much as you do.  The silent pain that we feel no one understands unless they also have lost their mother to the heavens above us will remain with you all of the days of your life.

 

MISFIT: Blood Relates You, Loyalty Makes You A Family

It's really easy to see the beauty of God's work when a four and eight year old wake you up to surprise you with breakfast.  My wife and I have my niece Olivia and my nephew Jimmy staying with us for a few days.  Katie loves having them over on the weekends and their parents are happy to let us take them.  Olivia and Jimmy are misfit cousin but love each other big. 

I talk a lot about my misfit family.  My definition of a misfit is someone who is not related to you by blood, marriage, or adoption but I consider my family.  Jordy is my blood brother so his daughter Olivia is my natural niece.  Mikey was my brother Joey's very best friend and when Joey died Mikey looked after me as if he were my brother, making him my misfit brother.  Mikey adopted Jimmy when he married Jimmy's mom Cathy making Jimmy my misfit nephew.  When Katie married me Olivia became her niece by marriage and Jimmy became her misfit nephew.  Since Jordy and Mikey are not blood related, their kids are misfit cousins.  See how that works?

The difference between a natural family member and a misfit family member is really very minor in my world.  I love them all equally, but when you grew up apart from your natural family you form your own family of misfits.  People that you invite into your life or people that invite you into theirs because you love them like you love your family.  Misfits are the family members you would choose if you got to make that choice.  They are more then friends to you in your life and often they somehow came to you at a time when their family could not be there for them.

My dad Jake, is my misfit dad.  I was not born into his family but he also was a great friend to my brother Joey and when Joey died it was Jake who stepped into my life to help me find my way.  I had a natural father but he failed our family miserably and Jake provide me with what my birth father could not.  When Jake became my misfit dad, he became Papa to the little's in my life, all of them are misfit grandchildren to him but you would never know that by the love he gives them and they give him back.

I have a misfit brother Alexander who came into our home when we attended college together.  The apartment complex he rented a room in burned down.  He lost everything including his glasses and money.  He is from Ohio and my dad invited him into our home because he had no natural family members near to help him out.  He lived with us until he graduated college, met a girl, married her and moved a few blocks away from us.  He will always be my misfit brother.

James is also my misfit brother.  He is from Atlanta GA and he came out and stayed with us for a summer, liked it, and never left.  We met through my misfit Aunt OJ who lives in Iowa and I met her through my natural brother Joey, my misfit brother Mikey and my misfit dad Jake when we all live in Sioux City IA.  James is OCD and his Atlanta family sheltered him from the world to protect him from his disease.  When he came to stay with us for a summer we treated him like a brother, forced him to face his fears.  He came with the understanding that he would never hold a job and never drive a car.  Today he has a full time job, a part time job and is working on getting his license.  His misfit nieces and nephew here love him and to them he is simply Uncle James.

I have a natural aunts and natural uncles, cousins, second cousins and many natural relatives related to me by marriage.  I have a huge misfit family that I love as if they were my natural family.  While I am slowly getting to know all of my natural family members I know I will always love an build upon my misfit family.  I will always meet people in my journey on earth that I love as if they were specifically and especially given to me by God.  There is just a special kind of bond that your heart feels when you come across someone in your life that you feel so much love for that you cannot imagine how you are not blood related.  A connection that makes you feel as if the word friend could never describe the love you have for this person. 

This morning Olivia, James and I drew our family tree.  In red ink we wrote the names of our natural family members and in orange ink we wrote the names of our misfit family members.  What a colorful beautiful tree we created full of red and orange leaves hanging from branches that would never be part of our tree had we never met one another in life.  It was a beautiful illustration that represented the love we should all share with each other whether we are connected by birth, marriage, adoption or simply connected by crossing each others paths in life. 

I think my 8 year old nephew Jimmy said it best when he said  "This must be why GOD made trees so they grow so big. So when you find more people to be in your family you can fit them on the tree without it ever breaking."

Four year old Olivia comprehended things a bit differently when she said, "So me and Jimmy would be on Santa's misfit toy island?"

BLOOD RELATES YOU, LOYALTY MAKES YOU FAMILY