With each passing year there are less and less people who communicate with me about how sorry they are for my loss, or how much they miss Joey, or how they still think about him and the life he lived. So the day before Feb 7 it is constantly on my mind. Who will I not hear from this year? Who has forgotten that he is gone? Who was able to put Joey's death behind them and move on?
It wasn't me, and I hope it never is. It's just important to me for some reason that others not forget about my great loss. The day after Feb 7 I spend coming to grips with those that have forgotten and I try to release that fear from my soul. But it never leaves me and I know that next Feb 6 I will get no sleep, Feb 7 I will mourn his death all over again, and Feb 8 I will be sad that more of his friends, my friends, and our family have forgotten.
I spend time through-out the year keeping him alive in the hearts of the little's in my life. His nieces Olivia and Jaci, his best friends kids Jimmy, Channing, Abbey and Izzy. The other misfits little's in my life that I wish could have know my brother Joey and how cool he was. Olivia and Jaci's mom never forget Joey's birthday and they will have a birthday party in his honor. Once a year in the month of July his best friend Mikey and our brother Jordy and myself head out to the cape and spend a couple hours sharing memories of Joey's life. The same spot every year, the spot where we released his ashes and set him free. Once a year, on the date my dad, Jake, met Joey he goes to mass, a mass he pays for to honor the memory of Joey. Our Aunt Mary will bake an upside down pineapple cake from scratch several times through the year and invite us over because it was Joey's favorite cake. All very nice things that help keep the memory of Joey alive for us.
On Feb 6, 7 and 8 I wonder if this will be the year those traditions stop. Will this be the year one of them forgets and never again remembers the memory of the life they have helped me keep alive? Will this be the year that something else, someone else, takes the place of the absent brother I miss more then the world can imagine. Will this be the year one of them will also leave the earth and forever be gone from my sight even though they remain in my heart? Will this be the year? That question haunts me for the entire year and nothing I can say or do, no amount of prayers and dreams and wishes, will ever be able to comfort me in my fear that my brother will be forgotten out of the hearts of those I love and those that love me.
Joey ~
I know you are in heaven and I know you look out over us, keeping us safe and warm from a cold world. I know you are with Jacelyn, Jayson and mom. I know you are near my little Amazing Gracie. I know you are where you are supposed to be, where you wanted to be. I know you know I am afraid of losing you all over again when others were able to let you go and move on, knowing you are safe, with wings that comfort us.
I know you send reminders to me about the times we shared our walk on earth together. I can feel your hugs, I can hear your whispers. I know we still share the memories we have of each other in our hearts. I know I am strong because you help me be. I know I am loved because you let me feel it. I know I am blessed because you are always with me. I know I am not alone because you guided me to a collection of misfit family members in my life.
I know I will never forget you, never stop loving you, never stop reliving those memories or dreaming those dreams. I know I am OK because you are OK. I know I am right where I should be in God's plan just as you are right where you should be according to God's plan. I love you brother and I miss you.
Do you know how much I love you? I love you Beyond A Breath Of Life, and brother, that's a lot of love. ~ Jett
