Kim's Bubble Was Small ... did you make it?

Every step I take forward in life is a sad reminder of another day without my Pooh.  I had gotten used to taking each step with Kim next to me.  I got to where I was not used to diving into a new adventure without Kim to encourage me, guide me, and make me feel like I was on the right path.  Even after I married Katie, Kim was the one I turned to for approval.


I run a very successful printing company for the owner of the business who during my junior and senior years of college mentored me.  I was a paid intern for him and he eventually brought me up through the ranks to take over the daily operations of his business.  I did not jump in with both feet though, I had to be pushed into excepting the paid internship by Kim.  I didn't think it was an adventure I wanted to take on.  I have a degree in Journalism and Elementary Education and running a printing company was far from what I went to school for.


I wanted to report the news.  The good news.  The positive news.  I wanted to tell peoples stories in print.  I wanted the world to know there was more to the world than evil.  I wanted to find those stories and tell them in the words of the makers of those stories.  Like the Amazing Gracie story I blogged about that told the story of a little girl with a terminal illness who was trying to leave the world a better place.  That was my desire.  Kim would help me realize that a steady income job would eventually help me accomplish the dream my dream of writing.


I have become a successful blogger under two blog accounts, the one here under Beyond A Breath of Life that documents a great deal about my past as well as my friendships and family.  And a second blog spot that I have never revealed to my followers of this blog but rely solely on the dark world to find them on their own.  They are my dark blogs, the blogs that go against my wish to share positive motivating writings.  Someday I will reveal me as the author of that blog spot but for now it remains hidden in the big old world of anonymous bloggers.


Kim had access to that blog spot but rarely visited it. I think she enjoyed the Beyond A Breath Of Life blogs a lot more.  Once again, Kim's advice to accept the internship and eventually run the printing company was spot on.  Even though I learned a great deal about the business from Stan, the owner, I learned even more from Kim.  Especially about how to effectively get your employee's to get the job done.  Kim always said that you are obligated to be firm with your employees so you can be successful in making profits and by rewarding your employees with those profits, earn their loyalty.  Kim also taught me to not take shit off your employee's. 


To this day I think about all the stories Kim told me over the years about the different types of people she worked with.  Remember, Kim's circle was small whether you were in that circle or not, if you were responsible, showed up for work, got your job done, you were her friend and she would give back to you ten fold.  I remember her friend Erica from her job at Sam's Club and how impressed Kim said she was with Erica's work ethic.  Kim said she was younger and although she came in cold to the wholesale business, she was one of the best.  One of the best because she listened carefully to direction, asked a lot of questions, and achieved great results. 


I never met Erica but I felt I had a pretty good handle on how she was as a co-worker.  Kim talked about how she could show her how to accomplish something once and Erica just got it, took it, and ran with it.  There was a handful of people Kim talked about from that job, and the ones she mentioned all had the same qualities when it came to work.  But there was less than a handful that she also talked about so kindly that I knew they were in her friend bubble.  Erica was one of them.  The traits that Kim revealed to me about Erica, and a few others, are traits I look for when I am hiring individuals.  It has helped me gain some very good workers that I was able to promote quickly to help the business become even more successful.


Loyalty.  Commitment.  Directness.  Sensibility.  Ability to accept change.  Ability to get out of the box.  Ability to process direction.  A thinker.  Decision maker.


And if you could make Kim laugh along the way, you were a winner in her world.  I don't know if I have this whole story right, but as I remember it, Erica once called Sam's and asked for Kim, claiming to be with OSHA I believe it was.  Had her read the ingredients from laundry detergent to her. Let her go through a couple of the products before telling her it was Erica.  Now that shit is funny and I remember Kim telling me how funny she thought it was.  And I believe she called Erica a dumbass, which when it comes to Kim was the highest compliment you could get and let you know you were in her bubble. 


I miss Kim so much but there is not a day goes by that I don't think about her and know she is still with me guiding me with each step I take.  At the end of the day I hope I make her proud of who I am and what I am doing.  I know that Kim would be so happy that I am going to be a dad in March.  She prenamed our baby way back when I told her I didn't want to be a dad.  Roo, she said, the kangaroo from Winnie the Pooh.  She laughed and laughed but you know what, Roo may just find its way on baby Paulings birth certificate and if not, well I can't wait to meet my little Roo. 

She Knew, I Knew, Matt Knew



"There's an angel above you, guarding your path to heaven.  He has prepared a path for you to follow.  He has watched years turn to months, months turn to weeks, weeks have become days.  Your hour is near.  Embrace the gentle touch of his wings on your soul.  Fear not, for you were born to reach this moment.  Your eternity on earth will soon be eternal life in Gods Kingdom.  Only then will you truly be alive.  Only then will you know life as God has planned.  Go peacefully and willing with faith and dignity and one day you will return when you wrap your wings around a soul you too have made a path to heaven for". ~ Jett Pauling (August 20, 2016)


Twenty-seven days later I found out my friend and life mentor Kim had died from brain cancer.  On September 16, 2016 a piece of a lot of people who knew and loved Kim died with her.  Our lives would forever be changed, our hearts would skip a beat every so often, a newfound sorrow would forever occupy our minds.


Way before Kim was diagnosed with brain cancer we had many discussions about death and what life on both sides of death must be like.  We both knew that the odds of Kim dying before me were slim.  I was more likely to die before Kim.  To this day I fight the demon of suicidal thoughts.  After I met Kim and we became close those demons passed through me less and less.  That was because Kim knew how to help me control those thoughts.  Kim helped me figure out my pass and helped me realize the abuse I went through at the hands of my birth dad were more about his issues, and less about mine.  Kim saved my soul more than once in the short 11 years we were friends.  I was 14 when we met, 25 when she died.


When Kim's nephew Matt died we talked for hours about the pain that was left behind.  She was so hurt at first, and then she was angry at him for taking his own life.  Eventually she accepted that Matt could find no other way to get away from the suicide demon.  Kim and I had finally bonded over the pain of losing someone you were not ready to let go of.  For me it was my brother Joey who died of lung cancer when he was 24.  For Kim it was her nephew Matt.  His death opened up a whole new road in our friendship.  We didn't dwell on the pain of Matts decision as we did on the life he left behind.  Kim asked me if I thought Matt was in heaven.  Yes, I told her, I believe we live in hell and heaven is our reward when we leave the fires of earth. 


Death is not a punishment for the bad things we have done, or have been through.  That is what life is I told Kim.  Most often we  fail to forgive us or own sins way beyond others forgiving us our short comings.  When Kim was first diagnosed with cancer she tried to figure out what she did wrong that God would inflict that kind of illness on her, and Cory, and Alex.  She was scared but strong.  She was tired but a fighter.  She was stubborn but .. well, Kim was stubborn to her core, there is no denying that.  I told Kim the last thing she needed was to be confused as to "why her" as opposed to someone else. 


A conversation we often had was regarding life after Kim.  We had spent many nights talking about life after Jett, but suddenly we found ourselves trying to figure out life without Kim in for so many who knew her, and loved her.  I told Kim, "you can tell us all how to move forward in life Kim, but we cannot promise you we will take the direction you want us to."  I had lost enough loved ones in my life by the time I met Kim that I knew no matter how hard you tried to move forward, the pain would always trip you up.  Sure you move on, but its never with the same skip in your step as before.


I asked Kim early on in her treatments if she thought about the 'what if '.  That may seem odd to most of you but that was part of our friendship.  We challenged each other in ways that helped us cope, deal with the shitty parts of life, think it through.  Kim made it very clear that she was a fighter, not a quitter, but if God decided it was her time she wanted her family to keep on moving on.  Alex still has to graduate college, Cory still needs to farm, everyone still has a life after someone leaves.  Kim also wanted Cory to move on. " He's a young man, it would be stupid to spend the rest of his life lonely.  I would move on eventually too Jett, if the right someone came along if Cory was gone."


"What about me Kim?  What am I going to do with no Pooh?"  "You are going to be strong.  You are going to fight to stay alive.  You are going to succeed.  Marry, have a family.  Take care of the misfits.  And never forget me Jett, which means Cory and Alex too.  We are family too."


Kim wanted me to tell her from the very beginning if she was going to beat this cancer.  Every conversation we had she asked me that question.  I had faith in her fight, hope in her future, and I told her yes, you are going to beat this.  But I knew.  And the first time Kim asked me if she was going to die is when I knew.  And Kim knew.  And she was scared.  She no longer talked about beating this, she was now asking if she was going to die.  And Matt new.  And he was waiting for her.  And the last thing I wrote to Kim is the quote at the top of this page.  And I know that Kim never got to read that quote, telling her I knew, and she knew, and Matt knew.

A Life Without Pooh Is still A Life

Jan 1, 2015, I married Katie in a private ceremony with two witnesses.  Oct of 2015 we renewed that union and held a small reception for family and close friends.  On Sept 16, 2016 I was a married man living a single life.  I can explain.


Katie found me when I was in the darkest place in my life I had ever been.  We had known each other since I was a sophomore in high school and Katie was a junior.  We did not hang out together, we ran in different social circles but we had common friends.  So on occasion we ended up in the same place at the same time to hang with the same crowd.  I had a steady girl and everyone assumed one day we would get married.  One person in my life did not feed into my proclaimed love for Kristy.  I did not know that until the day I broke up with Kristy and my friend told me she never felt that Kristy was 'the one' for me.  That friend was Kim, the person in my life that knew me better than anyone ever did, ever could, or ever would.


Kim was the one person in life that 'got me'.  The one person in my life that never left me. Never gave up on me, and never put up with my crap.  When I met Kim through a mutual friend she was in her mid  to upper 30's.  From the very beginning I felt comfortable with Kim and telling her all my secrets, that good the bad and the ugly.  Kim never judged, always gave great advice and for the first time in my life the only person who could tell me she loved me and made me feel like she meant it.


Kim and I could fight, oh boy, could we argue.  She was always right but I wasn't having any of that.  She knew which buttons to push too, but that wasn't always a bad thing.  I trusted Kim, I valued her opinion and I trusted her advice when she offered it regarding blogging my story.  Not just the story of Gracie, who was a college project, at first at least.  But my story, the story of Jett and how his life went from a happy little boy, to a victim of family abuse, to a survivor.  Kim was the biggest part of my survivor story, because of her support I concurred many sleepless nights, many nightmares.


Every death that crossed my path, Kim was there for me to help me move on, to let me mourn, from being angry to broken, from lost to found.  Every death except her own.  I had no one to help me through the fear of losing the first person who accepted me for who I am and helped me find my way back each time I got lost in a world I felt was against me. 


When I realized Katie was the girl I wanted in my life forever, Kim approved.  When Katie decided to surprise me in Oct of 2015 with a vow renewal and reception, Kim approved.  When Kim died in Sept of 2016, there was no one left to approve of my next move.  I always talked things over with Kim regarding my marriage and my relationship with Katie.  I wanted to make sure I was getting it right but when Kim left, I didn't think I was doing anything right.  I decided to just work all the time.  I let Katie do all our planning.  Be here at this time, be there at that time.  I just showed up when she told me to.  I moved forward, I just didn't move on.  It was as if a married couple were living single lives until we needed to be somewhere together at the same time. 


We both felt it, I knew it, Katie knew it, but neither of us moved on.  At least not together.  We were doing all the right things, weddings, birthday parties, church, work, but at night, at home, we did our own thing.  I think that will surprise a lot of the people we know when they read this.  Even the Misfit family didn't really see it.  But I knew and I knew Kim was more than likely very disappointed in me.  She made sure I knew before she died that we all needed to move on.  not just forward, but onward.


About 4 months ago I was at home, in my man cave when I heard Katie crying.  My first instinct was to talk to Kim.  Ask her what should I do Kim?  What am I doing wrong Kim?  Kim help me, I'm lost again.  Kim fix me again I am still broken.  I knew I had to go find Katie, find out what was wrong.  Long story short, Katie was feeling like a married woman living a single life.  We both felt it.  I felt horrible, I knew this was my doing.  Katie was so dedicated to our marriage that she just let so much slide when it came to me.  She wanted more from our marriage, she wanted back what we had on the first day of our life as a married couple.  And so did I.
We talked straight through the night, evaluating what we had and how we could salvage the weak areas of our life together.  I finally told her, it is me.  I need to stop moving forward without moving on.  I needed to be part of life, not just exist in it.  I needed to be to Katie what I promised to be the day I asked her to marry me.  We both knew it would not be easy but with hard work and commitment to the marriage, our life together, we would be ok.  I told Katie she needs to learn from Kim and not put up with my crap.  Katie told me I need to let Kim back in and keep my promise to her.  To keep sharing what I have in my heart with the world because only then, just like Kim has told me a gazillion times, would I be free to move on.
The last 4 months have been amazing.  I am crazy in love with my wife and my life.  I miss Kim so much and cry for her often but those are the times I need to remember she is embedded in my heart.
I look forward to sharing my life with Kim stories with the world.  I want the world to know her like I knew her.  I want the world to know, there are angels on earth, as sure as there are angels in heaven.


My Pooh lives on and I will move on with her in my life as I continue to live a married life ... with children to carry on where one day I will leave off.

Come Back Pooh

How we became such close friends I will never understand.  I loved her for so many reasons, probably the biggest reason was that she accepted me with all my faults.  Kim was not afraid to die, but wanted to live.  I am afraid to die but do not want to live.  I don't think you can get any more opposite than that.  Eight plus years we would be the greatest of friends to each other.  Eight plus years we would talk about the day one of us would have to survive without the other.  We both just thought that would turn out differently then it did.  Kim was supposed to live longer than I did.  I was supposed to die first.

We both knew that the chances of survival in this world was greater for Kim than it was for me.  For as long as we were living friends here on earth to each other, I was diagnosed with depression, with the possibility of being suicidal.   Kim was my calm.  Kim was my go to person when life got overwhelming and stopped me in my path.  Kim was the one who charged me up, renewed my faith, sent me back out on my journey. 

Way before Kim got sick and diagnosed with brain cancer, we talked about death. Our fears, our expectations, our friendship.  I had experienced a lot of death before I met Kim.  A sister and two brothers was the death baggage I brought into our friendship.  After our bond was built I lost both parents, two close friends. an uncle, and my little Amazing Grace as well as a couple other people in my life.  A few years into our friendship Kim lost a nephew, Matt.   After that loss our conversations about death changed in that Kim now understood the pain of death in losing someone so close to you.  It was Matt's death that opened Kim up to the thought of suddenly worried about who would be next.   Who would she lose next that would leave a hole in her heart that would never be filled again. 

It was then that we talked about death as if it was a requirement of our friendship.  It bonded us in a whole new way.  It was at this point that Kim and I started talking about life on earth without each other.  I knew Kim would be ok without me around, but we both knew that without Kim around, I would be back to square one in my depression and suicidal thoughts.  We knew we didn't have to worry about this for years, because neither one of us were going anywhere.  We would both be around a for a long time before we would face that kind of pain with each other.

And then Kim's husband Cory lost his great friend Davey in an accident that left fear of death and fear of loss on the forefront of Kim's mind.  It was at this point in time when Kim started to worry about how each of them, her, her husband Cory, and her daughter Alex, would get along without one of them should something happen to take one of them away.  Kim became obsessed with death and the void it would leave.  She was determined to get her life in order in hopes that they would all be prepared should that day ever arrive.  It was at that time that Kim told me she now understood my consumption of the topic of death.  My fears of losing the people I loved the most. 

It has been a year now that Kim left this big old world to go to heaven. Like everyone else that has gone before me, it hurts just as much today as it did the day she died.  My heart is just as broken this moment as it was the very second she breathed her last breath of life. I am just as scared one year later as I was the moment I realized Kim left me alone in a world I never thought I would have to live without her. It is just as hard today as it was the day my brother Joey died to stay here without all of them.

I made Kim a promise I never thought I would have to fullfill. I promised my Pooh that I would let God decide when my time here on earth is done. That if God carried her home before me, I would keep fighting the demon inside of me that has told me since age fourteen that the happiness I seek is someone beyond my last breath of life.

Everyday is a struggle to stay. Everyday I pray for Kims soul. Everyday I ask her to forgive me for wanting to let go. Everyday I fight the demon of happiness. Everyday I ask God to let today be my day, the day he pulls my name out of the hat for eternal life. Everyday I  remember the day I promised Kim that I would stay here until God decided when I would breathe my last breath of life.

"Pooh, I love you so much. I still struggle in my faith trying to understand why you went first. Angry that God gave me you, only to take you away.  Broken hearted that once again heaven gained an angel and I lost a friend. That the happiness I found in our friendship was ripped from me once again.  One year later I am still waiting to wake up and find you never really left.

Come home Pooh, come back to the happiness I thought I found in our friendship. Come back and save me from myself. Come back and let me go first. Let eternal life be my eternal happiness. Help me ease the pain of life, heal my broken heart, release the demon in my soul. Pooh, I love you so much". ~ Piglet

If Tomorrow Never Comes ...

A couple years after meeting Kim we started talking about my PTSD, which hadn't yet been diagnosed.  Kim was the first person to tell me she thought I had PTSD, based on an abusive childhood along with the loss of a sister and two brothers.  I argued about that with her for endless hours.  A few months before Kim was diagnosed with brain cancer, I was medically diagnosed with PTSD.  She was right, she was always right, even when I didn't want her to be.

Almost throughout our friendship Kim and I talked about death.  I was always more uncomfortable with those conversations than Kim was.  I had lost so many already by the time I met her and those I loved seemed to keep dying on me.  Some deaths I could accept more easily than others, others I could not.  When my neighbor Old Man Joe died and his wife Mary shortly after him, I knew they had both reached the end of life, completing their old age circle of life.  It didn't hurt my heart any less, but as Kim always told me, " Jett, we are born to die".  I still don't understand why my sister Jocelyn had to die at the age of four, or Jayson and Joey at the age of 24.  There was little Amazing Gracie at the age of 8, Connor at 19, Cedric at 21 and many more that I just could not understand why God needed them in heaven more than I did down here on earth.

Then Kim died and every day since I have questioned how that even came to be.  She had a great family, a very good husband, a beautiful young daughter, and me.  I reminded Kim so many times that although we are all born to die, I statistically had the probability of dying before her.  She never argued with me about that.  We both knew of my suicidal tendencies and Kim knew how much I struggled with the dark side of my life.  I didn't want to die, and Kim knew that.  Kim also knew that if I could not keep my shit together, it could get really ugly.  And that became Kim's goal in our friendship, to make sure all my ducks were stayed in a row. 

I hate all the times she had to sit and worry from a distance when she couldn't reach me.  Or how many times she had to get ahold of my misfit dad Jake, to tell him something was wrong.  Then she had to sit and wait to hear that I was OK.  I never intentionally did that to Kim and when I would apologize she always said she knew that was part of our friendship.  I knew that was a big part of Kim's life anyway, taking care of the dark side of people and their lives.  Almost everyone Kim befriended had that dark baggage that she could help them with. Man was she ever great at helping people get their shit together.

Kim and I were not afraid to die.  We didn't want die, but we knew if and when we did we would be in the most beautiful heaven above us.  We talked about what it might be like, to live in so much beauty void of any and all darkness.  How God truly does bless us when He calls us home.  Again, neither one of us were ready to go.  And I was supposed to go first.  People were waiting for me but until Kim's nephew Matt died, no one was there waiting for Kim.  We were all down here, where she could fix us, love us, accept us for who we were.

Someday I will blog about the conversations Kim and I had regarding death.  They were some of the most intense real conversations we had in the 10 years of our friendship on earth.  I can honestly say that Kim saved my life more then once.  I never got the opportunity to repay by saving her life, just once.  And that makes me very sad.

I'm not trying to say I am the reason Kim had to go.  I am not saying there was anything I could have done to cure her cancer.  I am not saying anything more than I wish I had the opportunity to help her just once, to repay her for the many times she saved me.  When Kim was diagnosed with cancer she often asked me "am I going to die?"  I would tell her no, because I never believed she would die.  There was no dark side to Kim's life.  Mistakes, she made a few, but she had a good life.  She knew she did and she appreciated the life God gave her.  If there was a dark side to Kim's life, I never saw it and she never revealed it.  She didn't want to go but she was not afraid.  She believed in God's plan, she just didn't want to leave Cory and Alex behind.

I read the lyrics to this song every night before I lay my Bible down to reflect about all the light in my lfe.  My brightest light, My biggest star.  My sunniest day, will always be my pooh, Kim.  I am positive if you knew Kim and take a moment to listen to this song and the words being sung, you will feel her love in your heart all over again.  Remember how she lit up your world and how she left a light shining in you the day her tomorrow never came again.

We don't know in life when our tomorrow's run out, that is why it's so important to live every day, do the best we can, and have faith that if there is no tomorrow for us, it's because we are going to see her again, and no darkness will exist in us ever again.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

If Tomorrow Never Comes

 

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams, so I turn out the lights
And lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel about her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her?
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one?
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past gonna be enough to last?
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret that my true feelings for them
Never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance
To tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her?
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one?
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past gonna be enough to last?
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

 

Looking For Angels, Look High and Look Low

Where do you look for the angels in your life that have gone before us?  We all miss someone that has taken their place in heaven, most all of us miss more than one, several in fact.  We envision them how we remember them on earth.  We picture our angel friend Kim up on those big fluffy clouds, tending to all the little baby cherubs that left way before their time on earth was completed.  We see Kim's big white toothy smile, perfectly "did up" hair,  and big blue eyes.  We lift our gaze up towards the sky when we think of Kim. We cross our hands over our hearts when we miss her and picture the last moments we had her with us, down here on earth. 

We look for signs that help us believe that somehow, in someway, our heavenly loved ones are visiting us to let us know "hey, I'm ok, and you will be ok too."  A red cardinal, a firefly, a ladybug, penny's on our path.  A pretty flower, a refreshing scent, a puff of air in on a windless day.  The good memories that come through with gentle reminders of happy times spent with our loved ones who have past. 

Some simple reminders of Kim for me are everyday ordinary things that had I never met her would pass by me as I walk my walk on earths journey.  When I see the colors orange and teal together I think of the Miami Dolphins, the team Kim liked.  Taking my nieces to Krispy Crème for a treat, a donut that Kim could never pass up.  My Ugg slippers that Kim gave to me to keep my feet warm.  Reminders everywhere, everywhere I turn.  Those memories are all I have left of my Pooh. 

Or are they ....

We  all have our memories, but we also all have each other.  Some of us knew each other before we knew Kim, some of us 'met' through Kim, and some of us now know each other because of Kim.  Our lives, through Kim were made richer.  Kim loved us all, and we all love Kim.  She may not have been your POOH, but she was someone special to all of us.  Sharing our memories with each other helps the grieving.  I have enjoyed getting to know some of Kim's family and friends and hearing stories or seeing pictures that I otherwise would not have access to before Kim moved on to eternity. 

Each one of us that Kim allowed inside her bubble, in her circle of friends in life, have a piece of Kim's life in our souls that we are now carrying into the world.  We were not left just with memories, and pictures, and journey's that we took with Kim on her time on earth.  We don't all just share our grief through tears, and anger, and confusion.  We have each other and because we have each other, because we all have walked next to Kim in her earth's journey, we have pieces of Kim that when we share them, when we put them together, we have many parts of Kim with us.  In our hearts, on our minds, deep in our souls. 

When I think of her husband Cory I remember the deep love she held for him in her heart.  I always told Kim that if I could be half the husband to my wife Katie as Cory was to Kim, I would be ahead of the game of love for life.  Kim's daughter Alex, my lil sista, had that same infectious smile that Kim hared with all of us.  Alex is tough, very strong, and even though she misses her mommy and cries endlessly like the rest of us, there is a lot of Kim inside that daughter of hers.  Tough as nails, with a big heart and loved by everyone. 

If you are reading this blog, and you knew Kim and you were a part of her bubble, we share more than you think we do.  We not only share the grief, the tears, the sadness and the confusion of why God called her home to him .. we share everything Kim was, or is, to the world that made it a better place.  Kim is in all of us in some small way.  Sure she's up in that big Krispy Crème sky above us taking care of the little cherubs up there.  Sure she is in our hearts as we find ways to deal with her being taking from us before a ripe old age.  Sure she is looking down on us, smiling at us with those pearly whites. 

But Kim is also inside each and everyone of us as we live in a world void of her physical presence, wishing this was all just a bad dream.  When we leave this earth we live around pieces of our lives with those that choose to stand by our side through the battles and struggles of gaining our place in heaven where one day we will be together again.  Look around you, at the friends and family you have in common with Kim.  Look for the pieces she left behind inside each of us.  Seeds Kim planted in us along the way so that one day, when she was gone, together we could share those pieces and always, forever, have her with each and everyone of us.

The next time you find yourself missing Kim, after you send a prayer or thought up to her ...
The next time you shed a tear, because she's no longer here ...
The next time you find your heart heavy with sadness ...
The next time you picture Kim up in heaven as you last saw her on earth ...
Look for her in others who are still amongst us, because she is near, always, in pieces of each of us.

Merry Christmas

my fellow Kim missers

 

Happy Birthday Pooh

How nice was it that our friend Kim was born in November, the most colorful month of the year.  Fall colors were Kim's colors and she loved the fall time of year.  Hoodie weather, the season right before the winter weather season, which she did not enjoy at all.  Kim would have loved and enjoyed this November, 2016.  It's almost as she showed us from heaven what her idea of a perfect November would have been. 

I spent many nights on the computer with Kim during the winter months in our friendship.  She was always wrapped up in a blanket waiting for Cory to come in from the fields to warm her up.  She used to tease me because I was always in thick socks and warm slippers.  Of course she thought I was a dumbass because I wear socks to bed to keep my feet warm.  I used to say "we don't all have a Cory to keep our feet warm Kim".  She always asked how a guy who could spend two hours on a sheet of ice skating be bothered by cold weather feet.  I used to ask her how can a girl who can eat jalapeno peppers ever be bothered by cold weather. 

I still laugh about how horrible Kim was at gift giving.  Not that she was not a great gift giver, but she could not keep it a secret.  Kim was Aunt Kimmy to my misfit nieces and nephews.  She used to send them little gifts and make them little homemade cards.  She used to send me gifts as well, when I was in high school and college.  I always knew what was coming because a couple weeks before she sent it she would hint around to me what she got me.  Then when she sent it she would tell me exactly what it was I should be receiving.  I don't know if she did that with everyone, but she sure did it to me.  I never told her what I was gifting her.  She tried hard to get me to tell her but I, unlike Kim, loved the element of surprise. 

I also remember how often Kim told me she didn't need or want anything. She had everything she wanted in life.  Materially and otherwise.  A great husband, a pretty little daughter, a wonderful family and extended family, and many friends who loved her.  She was horrible to buy for and I used to send her the stupidest gifts ever just to see if I could get a reaction out of her.  I never told her that, but I'm sure she knows that now.  One Christmas I sent her this ugly Twilight candle that I specifically got just to annoy her.  Of course she 'loved' it.  She loved everything I sent her no matter how hard I worked to find the stupidest dumbassed gift I could possibly find.

That was Pooh, that was our Kim, all she ever wanted was to be loved.  Well, to be loved and to fix people.  Those two things are what made Kim happy.  Trust me, I tested her love for me the entire time we were friends and not once did she take the bait.  "I know you love me Jett, I'm not going to argue and fight with you about it  She was right, I loved her so much I tested her love for me to make sure she knew I needed her. 

It's true you cannot send gifts to heaven.  There is no postal service there.  I teased Kim a few times that I was sure FedEx, UPS and the vacuum salesman would still be able to find Kim when she went to heaven.  She used to tell

me I didn't need to send her anything to heaven for her birthday, I just needed to sent her my love. 

Today, don't forget why you love Kim.  When you send a little prayer or a small message her way, be sure to list all the reason you love her.  Remember all the ways she showed you her love too.  Because love was what Kim was all about.  Everything Kim did for anyone was for two reasons.  Because she loved you and she wanted you to love her.  She made it easy to love her, even through the times when we challenged her love for us. 

Happy forty-third birthday my friend.  I'm still making the days without you count, as I count the days without you.  I miss you beyond a breath of life and I think of you every single day.  I believe ... because you opened my heart.  ~ Jett



Holiday's In Heaven



Ask anyone who lost a loved one to heaven and they will tell you how much they dread holiday's, birthday's, anniversary's and any other day other humans celebrate.  Most people upon losing a loved one first reaction is "I have nothing to celebrate this year" , "I just want this day to be over" , and many other comments that express their grief and sadness.  We all do it, we all go through it.

Then there are those around us that have lost someone we loved to heaven that try to ease our pain by saying "he/she would want you to be happy" , "he/she would want you to go on and not be sad" , "you should celebrate having him/her in your life".  You all say it, we all hear it.

Going from nightly hour upon hour talks with Kim for over nine years to trying to squeeze every possible second I could get from her in her final year on earth was a heart wrenching time for me.  I wanted to save my Pooh, I wanted to find a way to take away what her and I knew was the road leading her home to God.  I could do nothing, nothing but pray that is.  I started prayer chain after prayer chain with everyone I could reach out to.  I spent many hours, literally, on my knees, praying that God would not take away another savior of my soul.

The last eight months of Kim's life, after already fighting her brain tumor for a year, we spent a lot of time talking about God, and church, and heaven.  I will forever treasure those conversations, not because I wanted to have them but because our friendship was strong enough to take us there.

Religion was a topic that Kim and I talked about for years, since we got to know one another.  While we never disagreed about each others beliefs in our faith, we took the opportunity to learn about each others faith.  I always enjoyed how open our minds and hearts where to each others beliefs.  The one thing that we absolutely agreed on was that you do not have to be in church, on your knees, to get to heaven.  That was a huge fear of my brother Joey when he was dying from lung cancer.  He was so afraid he was not going to get to go to heaven that he reached out to a friend of his friend to find comfort in the thought of possibly getting to go to heaven.  At that time I had no idea God and heaven would one day play such a big role in my life and in my friendship with my Pooh.

Kim did not want to die but Kim was not afraid to die.  Her faith in God and the promise of eternal life was strong and she knew she was going to heaven.  There was not a doubt in her mind, even though she would tell me she was not perfect and the mistakes she made in life were big.  I loved that about Kim, that she remained strong in her faith and did not fear the unknown.  What Kim was afraid of was leaving her Honey Pot, Cory and her dudie, Alex behind.  Her heart was heavy with the pain of leaving them behind to a life without her physically in it.  Kim was worried about her parents, her siblings, her nieces and nephews.  She was upset because she knew they were going to be upset and hurt.  She knew the pain of losing someone close with her nephew Matt and she wished no one left behind would have to feel that kind of pain in their heart when she was gone.  That is what she feared about her own death, how it would hurt others when she found peace once she let go. 

It was hard for Kim as she found peace for herself but worried about the peace and happiness of those she loved.  We talked about how hard it was for those left to mourn and grieve and also how hard it was to have the peace in resting in heaven that we believed in.  We talked about who would miss her the most at what points in their lives.  I remember the conversation when she told me how much she would miss her sister-by-law Nicole.  She wanted to leave knowing that as the holidays approached Nicole would stay strong and remember all the things that bonded them as sisters and friends. One by one Kim would talk to me about how this was going to effect everyone she loved.  She knew her friend Jewels would cry for days and worried she would never find another friend to bond with like she did with Kim.  She worried about her dad, Walt, they were friends and she was his little girl. 

Just like she lived, in death, Kim was going to put others first.  Their feelings, their health, their well being.  "How will I fix everyone from heaven?" she would say.  I told her that she would still be able to help us all.  That as we worked through the grief of losing her our faith in God would build.  That as we continued to ask God why, why Kim?  she would know we are still believing in God.  That as we blogged, talked about her, bragged about her accomplishments, called Cory to check on him, kept in contact with Alex to make sure she was studying as much as she was partying and prayed for her peace in heaven, we would keep her memory alive in the souls and hearts and minds of those that miss her the most, which is basically everyone she "fixed" when she was with us in the physical world.  Yes Pooh, we still need you and you still get us "fixed" when we need you the most.

This holiday season is the first without our friend Kim and as difficult as it will be for many us in many different ways, we will be OK.  Our heavenly Angel Kim remains in our hearts as we move forward in our journeys.  The journey that will take us to her again someday when we take our final breath of life and go beyond earth to the promise of eternity in heaven.  Thanksgiving is upon us this week and we need to work through our anger, frustration, sadness and remember how thankful we are that we got to cross paths which such a lovely child of God.  Enjoy your friends and families that are still physically with us, remember the friends and family that remain with us in spirit.  As you sit around the table with the fruits of life that God has provided you with, thank Him.  Thank Him for allowing us to be part of His plan for Kim.  Have faith that "it is what it is, because that's how it's supposed to be".  Push aside your grief for a few moments of peace as you remember all you have to be thankful for.


Pooh, I miss you like crazy.  I love you even more today than the day we first found each other.  I see you everywhere.  I hear you everywhere.  There are reminders of our time together every day as I walk my journey.  Thank you for being such a huge part of my life. Thank you for all the times you "fixed" me so I can live another day in my struggle.  Thank you for sharing so much of you with me and my misfit life.  Although I still struggle with God taking you from me, I also am thankful that God gave me you at all. - Piglett

The Adventures Of Kym Tyme

I never got to introduce Kim to a children's book series I was writing.  I introduced her to the concept and the idea, but I never got around to ever having her proof read it before she died.  I finished it a few weeks after she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that would prove to be her ticket home to God.  She would ask about the books often, but I pushed it off as never having been completed.  Kim had a lot more on her plate with her health than worrying about those books.

A huge part of our friendship was about how very different we were, not just in the present tense, but also our past lives.  I'm a city boy, everything city, and as much as Kim loved to shop and eat in big cities, she was a country girl at heart.  I was eighteen when I got my drivers license, something that drove Kim nuts.  From the time she met me at the age of fourteen she pushed me to get a license to drive so I didn't have to rely on city transits.  The only thing Kim understood about me not desiring to drive was that I walked to many places.  I would walk two miles to the park to meet up with my friends.  Kim was a walker so that opened up conversations about how nice and peaceful to the soul a walk could be.  She walked those gravel roads, to the stop sign and back, with her little dogs pretty faithfully.

Kim being a country girl, one that loved Kenny Chesney, married a greater love in her life, Cory the farmer.  I got the grossest of the grossest farm stories she could provide me.  It seemed she could never get enough of telling me about calves being born and what Cory had to go through to make that all happen.  I would always ask her about Cory milking the cows in which she would respond "they are fat cows not damn dairy cows".  And I would laugh on my end for annoying her with that while she would laugh on her end annoying me with the gross details of calves being born.

I really did enjoy hearing about her farm life and how much she wished Cory didn't have to work so damn hard all the time.  I am pretty sure Kim also enjoyed the stories of this city kid trying to stay out of trouble.  I also know she did not enjoy listening to Jake about me breaking curfews and swearing at him anymore than I enjoyed listening to her telling me to quit being a dumbass and be more respectful of Jake raising me like I was his birth son.

I told Kim I felt sorry in a way for kids that never got to live on a farm, or visit a farm long enough to get an idea of a life of gravel roads and manure smells.  It was then I decided to try to bring the farm life into the lives of city kids, to little to read but old enough to be wowed by the stories I could relay to them from my friend the farmers wife.  The stories would include those told to me by my friend about the life of a kid in a small town that ended up a few miles out on a gravel road married to a farm boy. 

Stories about how she used to ride pretend ponies as a little girl, drink on gravel roads with her friends as a teen, married a cute boy who farmed with his family and raise a daughter on a farm while still showing her the life in the city.  Stories about long drives to work in snow drifts, how much she hated grocery shopping, how much she enjoyed doing hair from her home.

It all lead up to the birth of Kym Tyme.  A little blond farm girl who lived with her mommy and daddy out on a farm where cows roamed, chickens laid eggs and corn and beans were grown.  "Not pork-n-beans like you city folks eat."   A little blond girl who rode in tractors, played in the mud, and rode ponies.  "Not those stick ponies like city kids play with."  A little blond girl who wore bib jeans in the fields and cute little dresses to church and whose nearest neighbor was a mile away.  "Not like two feet away like you city folks."

I sold the rights to those children's farm tales and look forward to the day when I find them out there in book land fully illustrated.  Had I never been introduced to Kim Lindgren, Kym Tyme would never have been created.  I can only hope that they make her proud of not only me as the writer, but herself as the story teller of them.  Without her and I poking fun at the life of a city boy and a country girl  Kym Tyme would have never made an appearance. 

Kym Tyme is obviously Kim Lindgren, or at least created from the Kim I got to know in the past ten years.  Although her bubble of friends was small, Kim new A LOT of people.  Like our Kim, Kym Tyme is a very complex little girl. She loved her farm life and was perfectly content in being alone, or with her family, on that farm.  Like our Kim, Kym Tyme loved little trips to the city to eat big food.  Kym Tyme loved donuts, Krispy Crème donuts were the bomb!  Our Kim's closest Krispy Crème was in Omaha and her and her friend Jewels would day trip there and stock up on donuts and Hooters wings.  I used to snap pictures of our Krispy Crème here in Boston, a mere five blocks away.

In hind sight I almost wish I would never have sold my rights to the story of Kym Tyme.  I so closely matched Kym Tyme to the life of our Kim.  What started out to be a small idea between our Kim and myself turned into a big deal.  It was fun gathering the stories from Kim and her life on the farm.   Through many laughs and lots of memories she shared with me I find myself wanting more of that.  Not that we hadn't spend endless countless hours together already but she was hard to get information about herself from.  She wanted to talk about me and the misfit family I have out here in Boston.  Every time I would ask her about herself, she would deflect and turn the talk back to my life.  Once she knew I wanted to create the Kym Tyme series she was more than happy to share her memories with me.  She did it for me, not because she wanted the attention.  I can only hope that she now realize how much it meant to me for her to share so much of herself with me.

I guess if there was a moral to this friendship story, it would be to accept others lifestyles and share yours with them.  There is a bond as big as ever in a friendship full of differences, the world just needs to embrace them.  I am honored that Pooh accepted Piglet as he was when they came into each others lives.  I am proud to have been friends with such a wonderful soul.  I am forever grateful that Kim shared her family and friends with me.  Without them, Kim would be a memory in my mind that my heart would miss alone.  Knowing so many who loved Kim just as much I do makes me feel like I did not get deserted when God called her home. 

These city raised nieces and nephews of mine love Aunt Kimmy very very much.  I used to share stories about farm life with them and enjoyed how excited they were to learn how food is grown by farming families.  They love that country folks can live on land that allows them to have all those animals.  I taught the misfit littles my version of Old McDonald had a farm.  I tried man times to teach it to the as Old McDonald Had a Farm but that just made them want chicken nuggets and cokes from Mickey D's.  So I taught them this version.  Try not to get this stuck in your head, and for those of you that know Old Man Cory, sing it to him.  I'm sure it will bring back memories for him as well, of days gone by when I used to tease the Lindgren's about their dairy cows and tractors.

Old man Cory had a farm, EIEIO
And on that farm he had dairy cows, EIEIO
With a moo moo here and moo moo there,
here a moo there a moo everywhere a moo moo.

Old man Cory had a farm, EIEIO
And on that farm he had some corn, EIEIO
With a corn cob here and a corn cob there,
here a cob there a cob everywhere a corn cob.

Old man Cory had a farm, EIEIO
And on that farm he had some beans, EIEIO,
With a toot toot here and a toot toot there,
here a toot there a toot everywhere a toot toot.

Old man Cory had a farm, EIEIO
And on that farm he had a smell, EIEIO
With a bad smell here and a bad smell there,
here a smell there a smell, everywhere a stinky smell.

Old man Cory had a farm, E I E I O O O O.

The First Of Many

My little misfit sister Alex's first birthday without her mom is today, October 25.   Everyone who loves Alex, everyone who loved her mom and loves her dad, will be wishing her a happy birthday, most likely with tears in their eyes.  We feel bad, we feel sorry, we hope this bitter sweet day, although very sad, will bring back memories of birthdays passed that she got to have her mom physically here with her.

I was nineteen when my mom died.  My misfit dad Jake was eighteen when his mom died.  Mikey's kid were three, four an eight when their mommy died.  It's a story that you hear all to often.  Young children losing parents.  It tears at our hearts and we try to find answers as to why.  It's never easy, and it's always painful.  Those that try to comfort you, that have never lost a parent, no matter their age, mean well, but they just have no idea.

I remember when my Uncle Sam lost his grandson at the age of 24.  He said to me "no parent ever wants to have to bury a child.  Well you know what Uncle Sam (R.I.P), no child ever wants to have to bury a parent either.  The truth is, no one really wants to ever have to bury anyone they love. 

Sista Alex, I am so very sorry that you will be walking your journey without mom.  In the ten years I have know your family you know I have always loved your family connection.  I remember how excited mom was for your birthday, so excited she even took a whole week off from work to celebrate it with you. 

I don't know if she ever got it accomplished but I remember last year for your birthday she wanted to get you a Harry Potter hat cake.  She talked about that all month long.  I always knew what you were getting, most of the time you did too.  Because that is how mom worked.  Every year we would talk about how quickly you were growing up.  As frustrated as she would get with you Alex, she sure was proud of all your accomplishments.  Made me proud to be your misfit bro.

Sista, you should know, mom is still proud of you.  She is still with you everywhere you go.  I wish I had words of wisdom I could share with you.  I wish I could tell you that the first birthday without your mom is the hardest.  But it is not.  Every year is hard.  You just have to reach deep down and dig up all those memories you shared with her every year on this day.  Embrace those great times you got to spend with her and know that in your heart, she is there.  The memories you shared with her in the physical world are the same memories you share with her in the spiritual world. 

It won't get any easier as you come upon the first year of first without you mom.  The sadness and tears will still fall, but as you go on year by year, you will learn to remember who she was in your life then, and who she is in your life now.  Same person you loved and cherished on earth, you love and cherish in heaven.  Mom's only gone physically and even though that is where you want her, you will learn to appreciate that God gave her to you at all.  You will always be spiritually connected to mom.  You will always try harder, just to make her prouder.  Her smile will always be looking down on you as you accomplish the things she knows you can. 

Happy Birthday Alex!  Stay strong and stay true to your faith.  You are your mom in so many ways.  Honor her with greatness.  Love you Lil Sista. 

Who Is Your Pooh



Many of my blog followers know a lot about me from the age of 14 to 24.  I have only openly blogged for about five years now even though I have been journaling and writing in diaries since I was 14.  That is when I moved to Boston MA to live with my only surviving sibling (Jordy) out of a sister and three brothers.  That is when my brother Joey's two best friends moved from Sioux City to Boston to help my brother handle a rebelling me.  That is where I found GOD. Prior to moving to Boston and leaving an abusive home there was very little religion in my world.  In fact, I learned about GOD from a friend of my brother that sat with him every day for no less than an hour, reading the Bible with him and assuring him that when he died, GOD would accept him in heaven, even though he was a rotten kid.

I knew of GOD and I loved visiting neighborhood churches with my mom.  We would sneak off during the day while my birth dad was at work.  It was our secret and if he ever found out about that we both would surely feel the heavy hand of his fist on us.  Through this friend that comforted my brother up until three days before he died, I met Kim, my Pooh.  I have no idea why Aunt OJ felt Kim and I should know each other, but I have not regretted a single second of being a part of Kimberly Jeans life.  But this is not about how Kim saved me from myself as she took me under her wing and changed my perspective on trusting people, giving them a chance.  No, this is the story about the mess of a kid Kim took on before she even met him.  This is the story about a faith that existed in a boy from the age of seven to fourteen.  This is the story of a young man that is fighting the urge to go back to his fourteen year old ways.

You see, before I had Kim to hold onto I did not believe I had any value in life.  I never felt I would ever be good enough for anyone to show me any kindness.  My days were spent with my mom who would school me from home, but not because she wanted to, but because we could not let anyone find out what went on inside that house on Bushnell Ave in Sioux City IA.  We could not take that chance that someone would find out that myself and my three older brothers were also the victims of the abuse our birth dad distributed to us.  The heavy hand that touched us, the night visits from him that touched us, his words that destroyed any hope we had of ever being good enough in a world that he sheltered us from.

My nights were spent in my room being chased by monsters and demons that lurked in the shadows.  Wishing my brothers would become hero's with capes that would come and save me.  Hoping my mom would tell someone what went on in that house.  The screams, the sounds of fists hitting flesh the crashes of things being thrown around.  Waking up in the morning hoping today would be the day that you either broke free or died. 

We told no one, and no one asked, so you assumed no one cared.  You knew he was right when he said you were nothing and never would be.  You hid anything that brought you any sense of happiness because you knew if he found it, it would be taken away.  Taken away just like he took your self worth, your self pride, your sense of life.  I would wonder why I was born if only to live like this.  You wonder why your mom never got you out of it.  You ask yourself what did you ever do to be so unloved. 

I loved my mom even then. I felt sorry for her when I realized she too was just as physically, mentally and sexually abused as we were.  I admired her for taking chances, letting me ride my bike up and down the street, skate boarding in the driveway, sneaking away with me during the day on walks to the library where we would read stories that took us away from the walls that bound us.  But I wanted to admire her for more.  I wanted her to help get me away from him, so what we snuck off to do would become a normal routine of getting out and having fun.  Not having to worry about him coming home and finding out we were on the lose. 

For almost six years I lived in a life of darkness and sadness before I asked my brother Joey to help me.  To get me out of there.  He slowly started spending time with me, taking me out at night with him and his friends.  Showing me a city I was dark to, a city that I longed to be a part of.  Then my caped hero got sick and with-in a year he would be dead, right where I always felt I wanted to be.  Joey died and left me.  I rebelled greatly at home. 

Kim was the only person, until now, that I told the complete truth to.  I was already in Boston, away from the monster and my mom when Aunt OJ connected me with Kim.  I suppose OJ knew Kim liked to fix people.  I don't know, maybe she just didn't want to deal with the life and death of another Pauling.  I remember Kim asked me what made me leave that Bushnell home.  "Tell me the truth",  she said, "I won't tolerate any lies."  So I told her my birth dad told me to take out the garbage and I was eating, and I was tired of his crap, and I told him, yeah when I get done eating.  And that was the last time he ever laid a hand on me. 

You know what?  Kim didn't quit me.  That night we talked for hours and I cried and she cried and from that point on, she decided I needed someone to love me.  She decided I needed someone who would not leave me.  Kim encouraged me to pursue my passion of writing.  Kim made me feel it was OK to come from nothing and reach for everything.  Kim helped me heal from the outside in.  There were nights when I wanted to just shut down my computer and never talk to her again.  The nagging, the lectures, the pushing. 

Not one time did Kim ever make me feel like I could not succeed.  Not once did Kim ever give me the impression that she was going to walk away from me.  Once I realized I was stuck with this chick, well I gave into her control.  When I would call her out on her controlling ways she would tell me "I'm not controlling you, I'm trying to get you to take control of you".  She taught me how to fight back, to not lay down and let others walk on my dreams.  The night terrors still exist, the shadows still chase me.  The memories of the Bushnell house still haunt me.  But as time goes on my once unattainable dreams are being met, even though the night terrors linger around. 

I admit, I'm really pissed that Kim left me.  I am also thankful that Kim never quit me.  I think Kim taught us all that "WE ARE NOT QUITTERS" and for that reason alone, today I got out of bed and back into life.  Back into life to pursue the dreams I shared with Kim.  I also would like to share a lesson with all of you that helps me grow in my faith.

In this life you will cross paths with so many different people for so many different reasons.  We may never figure out what exactly those reasons are but they are there.  We may not like the way people come and go out of our lives but we need to think about what we would not have had we never met them.  My brother Joey developed lung cancer.  His best friend Mikey was friends with Jewels who is Catholic.  Jewels saw Joey to the end of his life.  I sat and listened to them reading the bible together.  Through her sharing his story with Kim, her best friend, Jewels introduced me to Kim.  I enjoyed a beautiful friendship with Kim.  I found my Pooh, and I may never find another Pooh, but somehow, crossing paths with Kim will lead me to someone else who may be the Laurel to my Hardy. 

That's what GOD does, so think about it, who is Pooh to your Piglet?

It's Suppose To Hurt

Losing someone you have given everything you are to is a painful experience.  Depending on what that loss is, at what point in your life's path, the pain is different.  When that loss is due to a death you find yourself at a point in your life that you know cannot be fixed, cannot be undone, cannot be turned back in time and revived.  It is final, the most final thing you will ever experience in your life.

The result is the grief process and you can read about the five or seven steps that have been published regarding grief but that proves to be words on paper when the pain you are feeling does not match what your personal loss may be.  The steps of grief are important and it is very helpful to know what you are going through and why you are feeling the was you feel.  I just know that no matter what I read about grief, it has never explained the pain I feel inside my chest.

You hear about how your heart feels heavy. You hear about how the pain will eventually go away (lies).  You hear about how you need to get back into your routine which will help the pain (lies). You hear about how your loved one is in a better place (true, but who wants to hear that?)  You hear about how its God's Plan and you need to trust Him (true, but you won't). 

They tell you its like a broken leg and as soon as the leg heals things won't hurt so bad.  Excuse me while I roll my eyes back in my head.  When you break your leg, it mends, but it will never be like it was before you broke it.  Now I'm no doctor but I have had many broken bones and at he age of 24, they still hurt when the weather turns. 

So why would we believe that the heart will mend and the pain will go away?  It doesn't and it never will and if you've ever lost someone who stole a piece of your heart.  The tears will fall forever and the heart will hurt forever.  It's supposed to and if it did not every step of our journey on earth would be a farce, an outright farce.

The day your heart heals and never hurts again is the day God calls you home and you fly to heaven and land right next to the person, or the people, who went there before you did.

Cory, Sir, you let those tears fall and you accept that your heart will never stop hurting.  You earned that right to feel that amount of love.  You earned the right to love her now more than you ever thought you were capable of loving her.

But don't you forget that her wish for you is to move forward in your life.  To raise that daughter to be the best she can.  Give her the best you have to offer.  Show her that love lives on even when that love is out of reach.  That is why it hurts forever. That is why it is suppose to hurt at all.  Because without the pain, the tears, the sorrow, the love you gave to Kim on earth was nothing more than temporary.  The pain makes it permanent.  The pain reminds us we got it right.  The heart will heal, but the pain will remind you as the seasons change where Kim expects you to be.  In the fields.

Get out there in those fields, milk those cows, and when you get home at the end of your day, do those damn dishes, you know she hated dirty dishes in her sink.

Love you Cory and thank you for letting me be such a big part of not just Kim's life, but yours as well.  I will always be a better man in life because of the example you provided me.  I will always be a better person in life, because you let your wife take me under her wing and fix me.

I may of been Piglet to Kim's Pooh, but you Sir, were her Honey Pot.

Jett

Friends Of A Friend

There are many people in my friend Kim's life but few who know who she is, what she is made of, how God built her.  With all the people who crossed paths with Kim in her life, she kept her bubble small.  She allowed very few people to enter her bubble of safety, her world, her mind, her heart and her soul.  There are many people who labeled Kim very quickly, too quickly, mostly because she called them out on their lack of respect and honestly to those inside her bubble.  I could name names but you know if you fall in that group of individuals, and to your surprise, most everyone else knows as well.


I think we can all agree that Kim is tough, hard-nosed, honest and never backs down from a conversation when she knows she is right.  Kim works with facts, black and white, no room for gray.  If she was wrong, which was rare, she apologized and moved on.  Kim knows what those around her are capable of and she fights with them and for them so they can reach their potential.  Kim always wants the best you have to offer, not for herself, but for yourself.  Kim expects the best from everyone and never expected more than you are capable of giving.  Because of this, Kim helped make everyone she met a better person, a more confident person.  If you know Kim and you are not a better person for it, you are one of those who judged her, before you got to know her.


If you personally know Kim, think about your relationship with her.  I know of only one person in her bubble, outside her family, who does not fit the description of how Kim effected their lives.  Kim is co-dependent, since I have known her she has taken on those she felt needed her help.  Those that she could make a positive impact on.  They needed her, and she needed them to need her.  I am one of them.  Like me, many of the people in Kim's life needed someone to let them know its ok, that things will be alright.  She has helped many realize their self worth.  She took control over our lives and taught us how to not live in fear.  She showed us we are ok, that we will make it through the trails and tribulations of life and she would stay with us until we reached a better place inside our minds, our hearts, and in my case my soul.


Kim never asked for anything in return outside of honestly, forgiveness, trust, and love.  She asked only that you were honest with her about everything, trusted her friendship, loved her unconditionally and forgave yourself for what you did not like about yourself.  If she wronged you, which was rare, she asked you to forgive her for not being a better friend, even though to many of us she was the best friend we would ever have.  As you came into her life, whether you stayed or left, she never gave up on you. I hope you know that.  If you were one of those who judged her to quickly, you should know that she never gave up on you either. 


Kim is far from perfect, although she is closer to perfection than most of us.  She would be the first one to tell you she should have been a better wife, a better mother, a better sister, a better daughter and a better friend.  But the truth of the matter is, she is a work in progress, a product of God. In my opinion, Kim earned her wings way before 21 months ago when God decided he needed her with him.  It doesn't seem fair, but its not about a fair playing field down on earth, its about faith, and heaven, and God, and eternity. 


I am going to miss Kim, hell, I already do.  I have to remember that we crossed paths for a reason and a lot of lives are better now just from the path Kim and I crossed.  Our journey in the last 10 years, from its infancy to now, was paved with goodwill, support, trust, and love.  I will forever be in her debt, but I will never stop collecting from what she has taught me and how she made me feel. 


The greatest gift of all is the gift of life.  God gifted many of us with the life of Kimberly Jean Lindgren.  I once asked Kim "what would I do without you" and her response was this ...


"Sweets, we are born to die and there's not a damn thing we can do about it."


"I know Dottie, I know."

You Were the Pooh to my Piiglet

If you've been paying attention to my blogs at all, you know my good friend Kim is losing her battle with brain cancer.  Please continue to pray for her and her family as she prepares to soar to heaven. 

To every thing there is a season,

and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; ‘
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance.

When I was at the lowest point of my life you stepped in and pulled me up and stood me on my feet.  You allowed me to lean on you for so many months.  You become a big sister, a substitute mother, a mentor, a friend.  You were the Pooh to my Piglet.  You were tough on me when I needed you to be. You never accepted my excuses when life for me was on a down hill spiral.  You gave me so many hours of your days when I needed you the most. 

I succeeded at so many things because you never left my side.  I accomplished so many things with your encouragement and support.  I faced my fears as you pushed me forward though a life I felt I could never achieve.  I set goals so far out of my reach because you helped me reach them by never letting me accept failure.  I opened my life in my blogs because you told me to trust people would not judge me.  I made it through the most difficult times with the loss of friends and family because you taught me we are born to die.

We talked for hours on end about everything and nothing at all.  We shared our biggest fears with each other and together we weakened them to nothing.  We accepted each other with flaws and understanding.  We got to know each others families and grew to love them like we loved each other.  We disagreed, we argued, we fought, we cried.  We pushed each other, we pulled each others strings.  We pushed each others buttons to help each other grow.  We talked about God, about life, about death, about eternity. 

I shared my life with you. You shared your life with me.  We became soul siblings, misfit from beginning to end.  The secrets we shared bonded our trust, allowing us to differ on so many topics yet respect each others opinions.  We prayed together, for each other, for our families, for our friends.  Together we came to trust God, even through the toughest parts of His plan.  We encouraged each other to trust God, allowed our minds to open up to His eternal plans of those he took from us. 

Twenty-one months ago God decided to take you from me.  I tried to hang on to you in every way possible.  I tried to keep you with me in anger, frustration, sadness, sorrow.  Slowly as the months passed by I began to lose you.  How would I ever make it through life now that God wanted to take you home to Him?  Why would God decide you and I no longer needed each other to make it through our days?  What did God have in store for me now that He was calling you home?  What is wrong with me that every time I put my trust in someone and give them all of me He removes them from my life?  Why did he cross our paths in the first place?  What does He want from me? What is the lesson this time?  Who will help me regain my faith when you are gone?  When will my heart ever be whole again, free from the pain of losing someone I love?

I cannot help but smile when I list our little pet names for each other, or when I think about how big of a nerd you always told me I was.  I cannot help but be happy for knowing you in this world and knowing that one day we will be together again in a Kingdom bigger than our friendship.  I cannot help but feel lucky that I even got to know you at all in a world separated by so many miles between us.  I feel as if I gained a whole new family of misfits in your family.  I want to be angry, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to fold up back into that 14 year old neglected abused kid you took under your wing 10 short years ago. 

I don't want this to all end, but Kimberly Jean, please know, I would do it all over again even knowing the outcome of our friendships fate.  I love you and I thank you for allowing me to become apart of your life which to me, was bigger than the world.  I refuse to walk out of what you let me in on, I will never let go of all you have gifted with me.  You were my angel on earth and I know when you get to heaven you will be my angel in the sky.  I totally expect to see your cold little toes hanging over a passing cloud as you sit next to all that have journeyed to eternity before us. 

God Bless you my friend, and may he keep you in His loving arms as he carries you home.  "we got this"

NO MORE LIES ...

Depression is not just that person who sulks around, moodless, walking with their head hung low.  Depression is not just that person who is quiet and never looks anyone in the eyes.  Depression is not just that person who shows no interest in life.  Depression is not just that person who is unemployed or has never finished high school or went to college. Depression is so much more than the stigma that has been created by others who have never felt the pain of never seeing a light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Depression takes on many forms, it looks like the person described above and it looks like the CEO of a small company.  Depression can be 100% visible to its onlooker or it can be completely undetectable even when you are sitting next to it 50 hours a week.  It can be seen in your youth minister, the guy you play drop-in hockey with, the one who visits the Children's Hospital two times a week.  It can be seen in the front pew of church every Sunday, the guy that walks in front of your house headed to work five days a week.  It can be a marathon runner, the guy that works out two times a day.  It can be a husband, a brother, an uncle, a friend. 

 

Depression can be me.  Depression is me.  It is something I fight daily and do everything I can to stay on top of it.  Depression is a lot of things but let me tell you what depression is not.  Depression is not a suit and tie.  It is not a successful career, it is not a marriage, it is not a youth minister.  It is not a hockey player or a marathon runner.  It is not a college graduate, it is not a blogger.  Depression is not who you are or what you do.  Depression does not define you as a friend, a brother, an uncle or a son. 

 

Depression is a lie.  It is a lie I carry inside me every day as I live my life, seemingly happy and content with all I have accomplished.  The lie isn't my marriage, my family, my career or anything else I have accomplished in my life.  The lie is the darkness inside of me that I care not to share.  I have no idea what that lie is, but it is there.  It isn't a lie toward anyone, it is my lie.  It is a lie I live with as I try to figure out what the core of my depression is.  It is a sadness that never goes away.  It is a night terror that you never wake up from.  A sadness that has settled inside your soul. 

 

Depression does not make you a bad person, or a weak person.  In fact, my depression more than likely makes me the person you see, the giver, the care giver, the success driven CEO who strives to pull others along with him as they strive for success.  Depression is my motivation to be a better person, to keep moving along in life, on my journey. 

 

Depression is my fear.  Depression is my fight.  Looking at me you would not know this.  I wear a strong mask to hide my fear.  I wear that mask because this is my fight.  It's important to me that you see me in a light outside of depression.  That you see the true me and judge me based on that verses judging me based on my fear, my depression.

 

If nothing else, I hope this blog helps you understand that the people in your life, the people you cross paths with, the family, the friends, the strangers, are probably putting on their brave face for you.  That the struggles in life are real and are different for all of us.  That you chose your words wisely, smile effortlessly and often, judge less, love more.  Accept others for who they are, be kind, be humble, be grateful, be the one that makes someone's day brighter. 

 

A couple days ago my little friend Avery took off his brave mask and found the peace he was looking for.  He was 16 and him and I shared the fear of depression together.  The note he left me touched the very soul, the very spot, the same darkness we both shared.  Avery enjoyed a lot in life and was a really great kid.  He was kind hearted, soft spoken, well behaved.  He was smart and funny and had a great eye behind his camera.  He loved soccer and had many friends.  He leaves behind a younger brother and a father.  He went to join an older brother and his mother.  He will be missed by many, he will be missed by me.

 

Jett, my first thought is I am sorry.  My second thought is I know you will understand.  I looked for peace in my heart but my mind would not accept it here on earth, my soul knew where to go.  No more conflict, no more fear, no more pain.  NO MORE LIES.  Avery

 

Love you Avery, NO MORE LIES