Psalms 31:18:
"Let the lying lips be put to silence;"
Psalms 63:11:
"...the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped."
Psalms 120:2:
"Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue."
Proverbs 19:9:
"A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish."
June 8: Saturday:
14 days left on earth. Today my paternal grandparents had a family reunion out at their spread. Packed like sardines but seemed everyone was having fun. Cousins making plans for college, high school, grade school. I'm the only skater in a family full of athletes, or at least I was. I haven't been on skates since Alana died. It's difficult to go back to that lot, the lot I first saw her. The rink where I first talked to her. The ice that I first skated on with the girl I was making my own. I will visit the rink one last time before I go be with Alana.
Avery and Adrian will have lots of cousins, right around their own ages, to help them through life. Avery understands his role in Adrian's life, he told me on the ride home "I'm going to be a better big brother to Addie then you are." Well said Avery, you win. You had no clue when you said that how right you are. Be for Addie everything you have ever wanted me to be to you. You aren't just going to be a great big brother, you were the best little brother a big brother could have.
I'm going to miss Grandma and Grandpa L, They have never looked at me as if I were not their real grandson. The baking lessons, the fishing trips, the love they have shown me, mean the world to me and I am sure to my mom too. I hope I've done a great job showing you my appreciation and love for your kindness and guidance you've given me along the way.
June 9: Sunday:
13 more days before I see those pearly gates. We all met back at my grandparents for a big breakfast before everyone travels home and we settle back into our lives a little happier and a lot more appreciative of the family we have in our lives.
What a great support system my family will have in a couple weeks when they all get together again. I was thankful for this opportunity to be in their lives one more time playing ball, eating fat, and hanging together laughing and reliving some of the best times of our lives. Not one mention of Alana. Not one "how you doing, you doing alright" from anyone. It was perfect and sweet. If Alana or my well being were on their minds they didn't show it. It made my heart feel good, knowing how quickly the pain and sorrow leaves their souls as time carries on.
Again on the ride home, me and my brothers talked non stop about the fun our family has when we all get together. "It's the food that makes them all happy", Avery would say. "It's the games we play that makes everyone so happy," Addie would say. "It's the love," my mom would say as my dad agreed. In my mind I say "It's knowing I'm heading out, going to be with Alana that makes me happy." Inside I smile because I have missed her so (soul) and her spirit.
June 10: Monday
12 more days until I depart. The next several days they will lay witness to how well I am doing since the day Alana swung from earth to heaven. They will remember who I was before she left and see that kid again, before he leaves to be with her.
Mom thought my appetite was back full force today as she served us stacks of pancakes and orange juice this morning. We all head out to start our days and would be together at the dinner table, ready for another huge meal that would surly show how back into life I am. Just as planned, dinner was served and as we recapped my day that put smiles on my parents faces I was happy that I told no lies today. I did play touch football with the guys, we did eat at the china buffet, and we did get run off Boylston Street by a foot cop trying to keep order that we were disrupting.
June 11: Tuesday
11 more days and I'm down and out of this world. A morning run with Dad, helped mom with breakfast dishes, took out the trash complaining it was Addie's turn. I am sure my mom will not miss chore complaints but I am sure Avery and Addie wont be happy to have to split up the chores I leave behind.
Dad thought it was funny when I told him about my day. Again, no lies had to be told. I headed to Cambridge to work out with Skylar and Tyler at their home gym. We raided their fridge and ate the fruit and fruit dip their mom made for her card party for later that afternoon. Didn't see the note not to eat it until we pulled out the last bowl of fruit. She really should have put the note on the front bowl and she would not have had to come up with a different plan. She scolded all three of us, and didn't hold back on me. My dad laughed until he had tears and my mom sympathized with their mom, because how many times have me and my buddies done that to her?
June 12: Wednesday
10 more days until showdown. Ate a hearty breakfast that made my mom wonder which of my legs was suddenly hallow. "Good thing its grocery shopping night", she said. Avery asked me if I wanted to throw in some tennis, Addie asked me if I wanted to play NHL 13. Yes to both, because I was keeping a clear slate on lying this week. It was fun, spending time with both of them this afternoon. Addie mentioned it first ,'"It sure is good to see you like us again Ce'dric." Then Avery, "yeah for a while there we wondered if you thought you were too good to hang with us." I assured them both that our parents were paying me to hang with them today, not something I wanted to do, but was not going to pass up that money. We all laughed at that conversation, because the last time we went through this was the week before Alana died. It was an ongoing joke between us, how our parents paid us to love each other.
June 13: Thursday
9 days to go, before I'm gone. Woke up with Addie in my bed. He hasn't done that for a long time. He said he was watching the SAW series and got scared and Avery told him to go to bed when he tried to sleep with him. I didn't mind but I had to remind him mom wouldn't be happy he watched those. We decided to go down and make eggs, turkey links, hash browns and oatmeal for breakfast for everyone.
Took Avery and Addie to the movies tonight, dads treat. He always gave us enough money for enough food to feed a hockey team. And we used it all. Went to the arcade after the movie. Its been a long time since I did that but Addie's the gamer of the family and he always has his eye on something behind the ticket counter. Avery likes it too but he acts like he doesn't. He's at that age where he thinks about his age and is he doing all the right age appropriate things. The teen years, yeah I remember those. We sat at the mall court before going home just shooting the S#@T. Everyone always guesses we are brothers, not because we look alike but because why else would a preteen, a teen and a twenty something be hanging out together. Brothers, they turn out to be the best friends you will ever have.
June 14: Friday
8 days left. I am not afraid. I am not sad. I am not happy. I barely just am. I have been numb from life since Alana took her own life. The closer I get to my destination the more peace I find. I can't help but lay in bed and think about Alana's last days. Obviously she was careful to plan out her final days. I think back to see if I can remember any signs I may I have missed. I did not. The most loyal loving girlfriend a guy could hope to find fooled the one guy that was willing to wait to have her on their wedding night. I could not have stopped her I tell myself as I look back. It doesn't make it any less painful that she is gone, but I am leaving to be with her understanding that she waned to go, and she went. So when my friends read this diary, and I know it will hit the stands, you have to know that there was nothing you could of done to prevent me from walking out on life.
Jett, you have been the most loyal friend to all of us boys. Don't change a thing man, don't play the blame game. You will be pissed, beyond this world, but I offer no apology to you for leaving. I do apologize for how you will blame yourself for this. Don't be a dickie-doo, accept my decision to go be with my love. I know you understand the heart more then anyone and brother, pray hard I get past the gates so I can be with Alana and find my dad.
Mayson, stop F@(King crying man. Get over this fast. This is the one and only thing in my life that I did not share with you. Forgive me if you can, if you can't, so be it buddy, but move on. You were a stand up friend and always there when I needed you the most. I know this is hard on you and I know you want the days of yesterday back. It's not about you. I'll see you at you end of time and we'll party like rock stars.
No lies at all today, again, it felt good. Avoidance is the key but I have lied so well they all seems to think I'm over her. No one asks anymore so I don't have to lie. Tomorrows the big Mean Girl revenge plans. Do I feel bad for what I will do to them, no, at least not any more remorseful then they have been about Alana swinging away from them. NO LIE. It begins tomorrow.
