Revelation 21:3-4
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the
dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they
will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He
will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,
neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the
former things have passed away."
June 1: Saturday:
A plus from Alana's swing, since the day she swung I have paid closer attention to those around me. I couldn't afford to miss any signs of trouble brewing around me that could foil my plan. I worry more about Avery than anyone. We pick at each other a lot. Push those buttons. Maybe he is right, maybe it is all about mom and each of us wanting more attention than the other. I have 21 days to figure this out.
Today I did Avery's chores for him while he was playing racquet ball with dad. I even popped in his room and made his bed and picked up his laundry. I carefully placed a box of my belongings in his closet today, on top shelf to the back. He won't find it until I'm gone and a note leads him to it. It felt good to get that done today and a bonus great night hanging with him and Adrian, playing games, watching movies. Mom praised him at dinner for not having to be asked to get his laundry gathered up for her. We made eye connections and both knew, without a word, what being brothers meant.
June 2: Sunday
Mom was real happy I got up and went to church with them today. We went out to Sunday brunch, just like we used to. Adrian and Avery and I had a great day today. We all chipped in to get the weekend chores done early and spent the evening just laying around, eating everything we could find, and driving mom and dad nuts. Great family day. Memories were made. Laughter echoed throughout the house. It was as if things were going to be OK, and they are, just my kind of OK.
June 3: Monday
I got a lot accomplished today in my room. Tomorrow I'm going over to help Alana's dad clear the rest of the things from her room. I see how hard it is for her family to try and decide what to do with her things. I have taken everything I wanted from her room and I have given almost everything I want to give from my room away. It seems daily I am giving Adrian things he asks for and still make it look like nothing is up. I keep my door open now whether I am in it or not. Mom doesn't ever come in anymore, she just walks by and that must satisfy her in her efforts to keep us clean. I even convinced Adrian and Avery we should just go down and get our own laundry to put away, mom really shouldn't have to haul everything up for us.
June 4: Tuesday
F^&%, it was hard today. Not for me. I miss Alana but I'm 18 days away from soaring to her. To see the pain in her Dad is just sad. I know that will happen when I go but I know my family loves me enough to take a bit of pain for me so I can be happy again. Alana's dad just didn't know what to do. We boxed up the rest of Alana's life and I hauled it away. The furniture would stay and next weekend her mom and sister would turn it into a guest room.
It was the saddest day since she left me, seeing her family still full of sadness. It's because they didn't know, because they didn't have a clue she was wanting to leave. I felt for them, I really did. It must be hard. In one week that room will be done and they can continue to move on, to heal.
I have ignored my celly for three days now. Tomorrow I will have to make sure everyone knows s@#t's good. More and more of the guys are contacting me less and less. Not Jett, daily texts and a few messages. Mom said he's stopped by a couple times. I suppose a walk in the park rolling bums and preaching to hookers are in order.
June 5: Wednesday
I can't stay way from the grave. I could just lay there until I die. I find myself digging into the dirt with my fingers as if I could get her back by digging deeper. I can tell when others have been there and wonder who it was. I know when its Jett because he leaves snapped guitar strings and picks. I know when its her family because they clean up around the site and hang a fresh balloon. Today someone left a little angel doll. The other day someone left a plant. It's nice they come to honor her memory and spirit. She deserves it, and she deserves to have been treated better when she was alive.
Mean girls/hockey pigs. A cruel piece of the world.
June 6: Thursday:
Everything is right on schedule. Starting next week everyone will see the old Cedz prior to Alana's death. Spend a decent amount of time with my family and friends. Big family reunion weekend Sat and Sun. See lots of them for the last time in a long time. Get things lined up with the mean girls that kicked the chair out from under my sweet Alana.
June 7: Friday:
Tomorrow I will start writing letters to my family. I know it wont take away the pain, or probably even ease the pain but my hope is they will find it in their hearts to understand this is not about them, this is about me and my love for Alana, the girl I was going to marry.
I hung out with Jett today, we met up with the boys for a game of football. I laugh. Jett and football is like me and dancing, not meant to be. But to get in one last dog pile on top of that sissy was sweet. Kid's weak, and slow, but when I'm standing at the pearly gates, it's his name I'm using to trump the gate keeper into letting me in. It was good to see the boys, see how they are all doing right now. Someone needs to keep an eye on Pauly, he's acting like a Connor.
Last official piece of earthly business is the mean girls. Planned to be executed in one week, just putting on the finishing touches of the haunt I will leave behind in them. Only giving them back the treatment they give others. Time to break that gaggle of girls up.
Revelation 21:21
And the twelve gates were twelve pearls, each of the gates made of a
single pearl, and the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent
glass.
