I made contact with Ceddy every day this week, more then once a day on many occasions. I felt Ceddy was in a good place in his soul, in his heart, and his mind. He told me he was OK, he missed her, but he realized she is where she wanted to be. This is what she needed to find a happiness inside that she did not feel on earth. It hurts, he told me, but I'm OK. He did not lead me to believe he was having a great week, he really was having the best week of his life since Alana's was gone. I don't doubt that for a minute today, as I recall the many conversations we had over this week. I was proud of Ce'dric for finding peace in his loss. Little did I know he was less then a week away from obtaining the peace I thought he already had.
June 15, 2013 Saturday:
Mean Girl 1 - Today I had lunch with Suzie. She was excited when I asked her if she wanted to meet up. "You've been such a great support for me through this all, let my repay you with lunch." LIE LIE LIE. Listening to her talk about herself made me want to stab myself in the ears with my fork and hers. I kept track of our hour and half lunch. We spent a good 10 minutes on how I was doing and the next 80 minutes covering how special she is to the world. SHOOT ME DEAD. When I pull that trigger I will be reliving this lunch. How I did not just die of boredom I will never know.
I made a date with Suzie to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Suzie, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Suzie a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. A musical note I had given to Alana as a trinket representing all the love songs we shared between us, but I did not tell Suzie that.
June 16, 2013 Sunday:
Mean Girl 2 - I saw Staci today. I went to the mass her and her family go to. I invited myself to sit with her through mass. I wasn't surprised when her dad asked me to join them for Sunday dinner, in fact, I was banking on it. Staci lectured me on moving on, she was sorry about Alana but I am young and I should get back into life, move forward, I had a lot of life ahead of me. I invited Staci to come back over to my house for the evening. We could sit on the deck and have a beer, talk about things. Blah blah blah, how can one girl have so much to say and it amount to a big pile of nothing.
I made a date with Staci to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Staci, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Staci a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An anchor I had given to Alana that represented our love for each other and nothing could make that love drift away.
June 17, 2013 Monday:
Mean Girl 3 - I stopped in Starbucks this morning. "Oh hey Tayna, I didn't know you worked here. How you been? Thanks for the cards you send to cheer me up." LIAR LIAR "Oh hell Tayna who knew right? Some people just can't deal, just like you said. She had everything to live for and then she did this to 'us'. "Oh good too see you too, sure, lets meet up sometime soon. Hey, you want to grab a bite to eat tonight, catch up? We met at Olive Garden. Tayna had no problem telling me how selfish she thought it was of Alana to do this to me. She thought Alana loved me bigger then that. I wished I had brought a pair of invisible ear plugs with me.
I made a date with Tayna to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Tayna, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Tayna a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An ice skate I had given to Alana that represented what brought us together, that first night I laid eyes on her.
June 18, 2013 Tuesday:
Mean Girl 4 - Allison. The last and the meanest of the gaggle that pushed Alana to swing. ring ring "hey Allison, its Ce'dric. I was going through my year book (lie) yesterday and read what you wrote (truth). Do you remember? LOL (lie) yeah, "Ce'dric the Welsh, you crushed my heart so many times but I'm happy we could stay friends. Love your future, Ali". "Well I was thinking, if you're still single, maybe we could go out on a date. I'd like to catch up (lie). "ahhh, well I'm flattered (lie). "You want to grab lunch today? My treat?" We met at Dawg's and while Allison filled me in on everything I've missed in the 23 years of her life I chocked down a hotdog. I thanked Allison for being such a good friend to me since 4th grade where we first met.
I made a date with Allison to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Allison, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Allison a thing gold chain with a single charm on it. A rainbow that represented to Alana that I loved her just the way she was and she would always be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbows.
June 19, 2013 Wednesday:
I surprised myself with these plans. Everything is going as planned, and it had to be executed so perfectly to keep it going. Got the mean girls lined up for Saturday night. A few more things to accomplish so I can carry out my plan for as Jett would say, my final breath, "beyond a breath of life". Share my story Jett, so the boys get it. I know you will do me justice even through your pissed off state of mind.
It's hard to describe the peace I feel in my heart. No fear at all. No anxiety over what's coming. I imagine this to be how Alana felt the last few days of her life. Places to go and people to see. Sharing a little piece of life with you from my teen years. The struggles I faced back then seemed so real, so devastating to me at the time. Looking back they were nothing. They were not even life or death issues. You look at your options, you choose the best possible one for the outcome you are looking for. The letters I have written to those who I felt I should leave some sort of reasoning to my decision to explains a bigger portion of the pain I carry inside of me. They will understand, I hope, that the only happiness left for me is miles away in a place I have been ensured will accept me, no matter what my sin to get there was.
It is what it is, and that is what it will be.
June 20, 2013 Thursday:
My happiness is no longer just knowing I will soon be with Alana. Much of my happiness comes from the smiles the laughs and the friendships of those that cared enough to check in on me. Those that know the pain, have faced the pain, and have found resolution in dealing with that at earths level. Those that I know, in time, will understand and accept the dark side of the Ce'dric they have never gotten to see prior to pulling the trigger. You meant the world to me, but Alana means more to me at a higher view of the world.
Once you accept this decision I have made for what it is, I will dust you with happiness that you feel and recognize as mine. I will send you breezes in the wind that will remind you of who I was and where I went. The sunny days belong to me, the storms will never touch me again.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, spread me where I find the most peace, over Alana. Where I went to leave you is where I want you to leave me.
June 21, 2013 Friday:
Suzie, Stacey, Tayna, Allison. Ready girls? In less then 24 hours you will learn something about yourselves, your friendships with each other, and in the end, who wins. In less then 24 hours you will discover what is important in life comes from inside our hearts. In less then 24 hours you will be standing in the parking lot where I met Alana, wondering why you are all there, and I am not. You will all receive the same letter inside an envelope with each of your names on them, expecting what you want, and not liking what you get.
"Mean Girls: I sentence you in the death of not only Alana, but also myself, Ce'dric. Each of you for the past week has been wearing a gold chain with a single charm that you think I chose just for you. I chose those charms for Alana and they represent the most important moments of my life with her. Last week I sought each of you out and what I need you to understand is the times I spend individually with each of you was as painful to me as your bullying was to Alana. I consider each visit with each of you big wastes of my time. The compliments were lies. The smiles were lies. The laughs were lies. There was nothing real in those 'dates'. They were as fake and made up as the four of you.
Here is what you should know about your friendship with each other:
Suzie: Your gaggle doesn't come to your house because it is not classy enough for them. You should not even be 'one of them' is what I was told. They keep you around because your mom sells Mary Kay makeup and you supply them with it for free. According to them you should be embarrassed that your mom even has to help supply income for you and your family to live in such a dump of a house. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Stacey: I found out that you are the willing girl of your gaggle. When I heard that I laughed at the names they rattled off. You lied to them. I know 6 of the 12 guys they said you slept with. So I know at least half of them were lies. Guys talk girls, and had any of that been true I would of know about it 2 seconds after the fact. Here's what your gaggle don't know. Let me just say Wild Bill. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Tanya: Tanya Tanya Tanya. I never touched you. You would not be worth the sin. Your gaggle bought that one off you and through the conversation about it, I am sure you are the main reason Alana was not accepted into your gaggle. It pains me to think anyone, including your gaggle, would believe that about me, but I'm laughing now. I bet you are not. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Allison: Do you think your gaggle knows about their brothers and why you actually formed this gaggle? Where one of you lied about doing it, you were the one that lied about not. Why is that girl? Is it because you wanted to be more like Alana? Could it be that you pushed her to swing because she was who you could never be? Fill your gaggle in on the nights you couldn't hang out with them because you were out with someone else's boyfriend. Yeah, the guys talk about you, just like you want them to. But they have nothing to say much more then you're a desease carrying swap donkey. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Well you might have guessed by now that I am not showing up. I am with Alana, taking my final breath on earth. You are guilty of two deaths, Romeo and Juliet, and your sentence is to be served out on earth, long lives, where you will see bits and pieces of the destruction you left behind in your walks of shame. You will see reminders everywhere and you will have to live with them haunting you for years to come. And when the day arrives for you to rest in peace, you will never find the peace you want. Stay mean, girls, its what you do best. See you never. ~ Keeper of no secrets, Ce'dric"
June 15, 2013 Saturday:
Mean Girl 1 - Today I had lunch with Suzie. She was excited when I asked her if she wanted to meet up. "You've been such a great support for me through this all, let my repay you with lunch." LIE LIE LIE. Listening to her talk about herself made me want to stab myself in the ears with my fork and hers. I kept track of our hour and half lunch. We spent a good 10 minutes on how I was doing and the next 80 minutes covering how special she is to the world. SHOOT ME DEAD. When I pull that trigger I will be reliving this lunch. How I did not just die of boredom I will never know.
I made a date with Suzie to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Suzie, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Suzie a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. A musical note I had given to Alana as a trinket representing all the love songs we shared between us, but I did not tell Suzie that.
June 16, 2013 Sunday:
Mean Girl 2 - I saw Staci today. I went to the mass her and her family go to. I invited myself to sit with her through mass. I wasn't surprised when her dad asked me to join them for Sunday dinner, in fact, I was banking on it. Staci lectured me on moving on, she was sorry about Alana but I am young and I should get back into life, move forward, I had a lot of life ahead of me. I invited Staci to come back over to my house for the evening. We could sit on the deck and have a beer, talk about things. Blah blah blah, how can one girl have so much to say and it amount to a big pile of nothing.
I made a date with Staci to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Staci, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Staci a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An anchor I had given to Alana that represented our love for each other and nothing could make that love drift away.
June 17, 2013 Monday:
Mean Girl 3 - I stopped in Starbucks this morning. "Oh hey Tayna, I didn't know you worked here. How you been? Thanks for the cards you send to cheer me up." LIAR LIAR "Oh hell Tayna who knew right? Some people just can't deal, just like you said. She had everything to live for and then she did this to 'us'. "Oh good too see you too, sure, lets meet up sometime soon. Hey, you want to grab a bite to eat tonight, catch up? We met at Olive Garden. Tayna had no problem telling me how selfish she thought it was of Alana to do this to me. She thought Alana loved me bigger then that. I wished I had brought a pair of invisible ear plugs with me.
I made a date with Tayna to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Tayna, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Tayna a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. An ice skate I had given to Alana that represented what brought us together, that first night I laid eyes on her.
June 18, 2013 Tuesday:
Mean Girl 4 - Allison. The last and the meanest of the gaggle that pushed Alana to swing. ring ring "hey Allison, its Ce'dric. I was going through my year book (lie) yesterday and read what you wrote (truth). Do you remember? LOL (lie) yeah, "Ce'dric the Welsh, you crushed my heart so many times but I'm happy we could stay friends. Love your future, Ali". "Well I was thinking, if you're still single, maybe we could go out on a date. I'd like to catch up (lie). "ahhh, well I'm flattered (lie). "You want to grab lunch today? My treat?" We met at Dawg's and while Allison filled me in on everything I've missed in the 23 years of her life I chocked down a hotdog. I thanked Allison for being such a good friend to me since 4th grade where we first met.
I made a date with Allison to go skating Saturday night at 9pm. "Just you and me Allison, I'd really like to spend time with you. Keep it on the down low? Just between us?" I gave Allison a thing gold chain with a single charm on it. A rainbow that represented to Alana that I loved her just the way she was and she would always be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbows.
June 19, 2013 Wednesday:
I surprised myself with these plans. Everything is going as planned, and it had to be executed so perfectly to keep it going. Got the mean girls lined up for Saturday night. A few more things to accomplish so I can carry out my plan for as Jett would say, my final breath, "beyond a breath of life". Share my story Jett, so the boys get it. I know you will do me justice even through your pissed off state of mind.
It's hard to describe the peace I feel in my heart. No fear at all. No anxiety over what's coming. I imagine this to be how Alana felt the last few days of her life. Places to go and people to see. Sharing a little piece of life with you from my teen years. The struggles I faced back then seemed so real, so devastating to me at the time. Looking back they were nothing. They were not even life or death issues. You look at your options, you choose the best possible one for the outcome you are looking for. The letters I have written to those who I felt I should leave some sort of reasoning to my decision to explains a bigger portion of the pain I carry inside of me. They will understand, I hope, that the only happiness left for me is miles away in a place I have been ensured will accept me, no matter what my sin to get there was.
It is what it is, and that is what it will be.
June 20, 2013 Thursday:
My happiness is no longer just knowing I will soon be with Alana. Much of my happiness comes from the smiles the laughs and the friendships of those that cared enough to check in on me. Those that know the pain, have faced the pain, and have found resolution in dealing with that at earths level. Those that I know, in time, will understand and accept the dark side of the Ce'dric they have never gotten to see prior to pulling the trigger. You meant the world to me, but Alana means more to me at a higher view of the world.
Once you accept this decision I have made for what it is, I will dust you with happiness that you feel and recognize as mine. I will send you breezes in the wind that will remind you of who I was and where I went. The sunny days belong to me, the storms will never touch me again.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, spread me where I find the most peace, over Alana. Where I went to leave you is where I want you to leave me.
June 21, 2013 Friday:
Suzie, Stacey, Tayna, Allison. Ready girls? In less then 24 hours you will learn something about yourselves, your friendships with each other, and in the end, who wins. In less then 24 hours you will discover what is important in life comes from inside our hearts. In less then 24 hours you will be standing in the parking lot where I met Alana, wondering why you are all there, and I am not. You will all receive the same letter inside an envelope with each of your names on them, expecting what you want, and not liking what you get.
"Mean Girls: I sentence you in the death of not only Alana, but also myself, Ce'dric. Each of you for the past week has been wearing a gold chain with a single charm that you think I chose just for you. I chose those charms for Alana and they represent the most important moments of my life with her. Last week I sought each of you out and what I need you to understand is the times I spend individually with each of you was as painful to me as your bullying was to Alana. I consider each visit with each of you big wastes of my time. The compliments were lies. The smiles were lies. The laughs were lies. There was nothing real in those 'dates'. They were as fake and made up as the four of you.
Here is what you should know about your friendship with each other:
Suzie: Your gaggle doesn't come to your house because it is not classy enough for them. You should not even be 'one of them' is what I was told. They keep you around because your mom sells Mary Kay makeup and you supply them with it for free. According to them you should be embarrassed that your mom even has to help supply income for you and your family to live in such a dump of a house. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Stacey: I found out that you are the willing girl of your gaggle. When I heard that I laughed at the names they rattled off. You lied to them. I know 6 of the 12 guys they said you slept with. So I know at least half of them were lies. Guys talk girls, and had any of that been true I would of know about it 2 seconds after the fact. Here's what your gaggle don't know. Let me just say Wild Bill. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Tanya: Tanya Tanya Tanya. I never touched you. You would not be worth the sin. Your gaggle bought that one off you and through the conversation about it, I am sure you are the main reason Alana was not accepted into your gaggle. It pains me to think anyone, including your gaggle, would believe that about me, but I'm laughing now. I bet you are not. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Allison: Do you think your gaggle knows about their brothers and why you actually formed this gaggle? Where one of you lied about doing it, you were the one that lied about not. Why is that girl? Is it because you wanted to be more like Alana? Could it be that you pushed her to swing because she was who you could never be? Fill your gaggle in on the nights you couldn't hang out with them because you were out with someone else's boyfriend. Yeah, the guys talk about you, just like you want them to. But they have nothing to say much more then you're a desease carrying swap donkey. (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)
Well you might have guessed by now that I am not showing up. I am with Alana, taking my final breath on earth. You are guilty of two deaths, Romeo and Juliet, and your sentence is to be served out on earth, long lives, where you will see bits and pieces of the destruction you left behind in your walks of shame. You will see reminders everywhere and you will have to live with them haunting you for years to come. And when the day arrives for you to rest in peace, you will never find the peace you want. Stay mean, girls, its what you do best. See you never. ~ Keeper of no secrets, Ce'dric"
