"It's Going To Hurt Forever Isn't It?"

Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love.

 ~Terri Guillemets

Grief is something I have been dealing with since I was 14.  The last eight years I have grieved over the deaths of family, friends, friends of friends, and a few strangers that I had yet to make a friend.  Some deaths have been harder to deal with then others but they have all taught me a lot about myself and they have all advanced me further in my journey in one way or another.  I was recently asked why I choose to blog about death, and do I not find it depressing.  It is not the first time I have been questioned about the blogs I write, and the answer I give has been the same each time, until now.  My normal response is that I choose to blog about death in hopes that no one grieving feels they are alone in their grief.  That others realize what they are feeling is real, and normal.  That the truth of the matter when it comes to grief is that the pain you feel but cannot see is real.  That grief comes from your heart, not your head.

The last person to ask me why I blog about death was Cedric's brother Avery.  Cedric was my friend that took his own life when he felt he had nothing left to live for.  Avery is his brother who was 14 last year when he experienced his first heartache over the loss of a loved one.  With-in a month of losing his brother he also lost his mother who could not handle the pain in her heart known as grief.  Leaving behind Avery, his younger brother Adrian and their dad George to handle their grief, their broken hearts left me standing with them through their troubled times.

I took on the role of big brother to both of Cedric's brothers.  I spend time with Adrain on Saturdays, attending scout meetings and helping him with his projects.  I spend Sundays with Avery, camera's in tow as we shoot pictures in city parks and cemetery's.   It started out with Avery tagging along with me while I shot pictures for a college course.  It ended up with Avery enjoying photography and snapping his own pictures which he would sit with his dad and go through, talking about his new found hobby.  It also opened up time for Avery and I to talk about the death of his brother who he misses very much.  Watching him go through the grief of Cedric being gone also brought back memories of me when my brother Joey first died.  I decided to not hold back when it comes to Avery asking questions about death.  "It won't get any easier.  The pain in your heart will always be there.  Your questions on why he is gone will never be answered.  The grieving process will never end."

Avery asked me why I blog about death?  Is it because it makes it easier to deal with the death?  Does it get easier with each death that happens in your life?  We were sitting in a cemetery, on a memorial bench that we had to clear the snow off of to sit on.  Our butts were cold, our feet were cold, our ears and noses red from being cold.  I was thinking about my answer when Avery said "you don't have to explain it to me, I just wondered if everyone feels the same way when their hearts are hurting."

I looked up in the winter sky which was blue with snowy looking clouds rolling through it.  Still unsure how to answer his questions, not because any answer would be wrong, but because I wasn't really sure how to relay to him my reasoning in visiting cemetery's to do my photography assignments.  I asked Avery "why do we take pictures Av, why do we snap shot after shot?"  He thought a minute, "to capture the moments so we can have them forever." I said "exactly!"

I told Avery that our hearts are also like a camera and just like when he and I snap hundreds of pictures we have to sort through them, keepers, fixer uppers, and trash.  That our hearts hold all kinds of memories, the good and the bad, and that while his perception is that I blog about death what I am really blogging about is the Circle of Life.  That life and death lives in our hearts and when the memories we have of death haunt us, we should pull out the memories of life, celebrate the lives lived when our loved ones were here on earth with us.

You see, I visit cemetery's for several reasons.  I see many things as I walk headstone to headstone.  I learn not only about death, I learn about the lives that now rest in peace in a park specifically built for those in eternity.  I learn about the loved ones left behind to grieve.  I see years of grief as I read the date of death on those headstones.  I look at the tributes left behind after their loved ones have visited them to honor them in old memories and new.  A recent visit to the cemetery that holds the history of my friend Connor is a great example of how we will always grieve.  As I knelt down over Connor's grave and place a couple toy soldiers on the ground above him, through the trees came a bright ray of sunshine.  As I looked up at the ray of light, off in the distance, I noticed up on the hill that a freshly covered grave had an abundance of hearts by the headstone.  After a brief prayer over Connors resting place I hiked up that hill to the sight that intrigued me.  The difference in the date of birth and the date of death was 21 years and a couple of months.  "loving daughter, sister, friend" was etched into her headstone.  This loved one was buried with-in the last month and the array of heart decorations more then likely were celebrating her life on Valentines Day.

While I didn't know how she died, or exactly when she died, what I knew was that she was loved and someone, or someone's, were grieving deeply for their loss.  All those wooden, hand carved, hand painted and decorated hearts were someone's way of expressing their grief through the eyes of this dead young women.  Over my left shoulder I noticed another headstone, a heart shaped headstone, with little cars lined up along the headstone.  Walking closer I could see the dates.  Born in 2004 died in 2010.  Standing in front of this little boys resting place I saw all kinds of grief in the hearts of those that lost him.  The toy cars, the stuffed animals, the superman cape hanging on a short flag pole. 

Each time I visit a cemetery I take note of the grief left on the graves.  My loved ones lost have no graves.  I have no place to go to visit and leave my grief, my love, on their markers.  I have no way to show anyone what grief looks like at the foot of the headstones that should contain the life story of my mom and my siblings.  I choose to do that through the blogs I write.  It allows me to tell their story of life and the grief in my heart of their death. 

Cemetery's hold the lifes and the deaths of those in heaven.  They tell me I am not alone in my grief, in my loss of a loved one.  They hold the Circle of Life, the key to eternity.  Cemetery's are where we go to leave a bit of grief behind in the flowers, the statue's, the hobbies, the toys, the flags.  They are where we leave drops of tears to nurture the souls buried deep so the legacy's live on.  Cemetery's allow us to grieve openly, poor out our hearts, relieve the pain of the voids in our lives.  Cemetery's are God's parks on earth where we can go and sit and pray and mourn and grieve for years to come.  Cemetery's are the roots of our family trees, they hold the past, the present and the future of our lives on earth, and those lives that are now beyond a breath of life.


"I miss my brother and the pain in my heart seems bigger than the love I have for him" , Avery offered.
"That big pain in your heart IS the love you have for Cedric", I told him.
"Do you think that Cedric's heart burst from the love he had for Alana when she died and that is why he had to leave us?" Avery asked.
I answered, "I don't know Av, I suppose so.  Your mom couldn't find relief in her heart when he left, so she went with him."
I looked at Avery, with tears rolling down his cheeks.  Looking in his eyes I saw a reflection of the pain I felt the day Joey left.  The pain I still hold in my heart from missing him eight years later.

"Jett, it's going to hurt forever isn't it?", Avery asked me.
"Yeah Av, grief is an eternal emotional.  When we get to heaven we will grieve for those
 left behind."

Until you have lost someone so close to you that when they left a piece of you went with them, you will never know the pain that accompanies a beating heart.  It is a pain unmatched by any other tragic moment of your life.  When it hurts so bad I don't think I can stand another moment of it, I lay back and put my hand on my chest, near my heart.  When I feel my heart beat I think about the amount of love left inside of it by the people who are gone from my world.  I let the beat of my heart ease the pain in it as I reflex on the good memories my heart captured before that pain settled in.  The Circle Of Life, it spins my world in the right direction in spite of me wanting to push it back and get back those I love.  The Circle Of Life is not a tragedy, it is not a comedy.  The Circle of Life is the plan, the path, the road, the journey and there is no avoiding the direction it goes.  Embrace your loved ones while they are with you, and celebrate the life they lived, not the manner in which they died.

When Loved Ones Die

The loss of a loved one through death brings a great deal of heartache and pain into our lives.  Until you have lost someone you love so powerfully you will never know the hurt that stays with you for the rest of your life on earth.  Until you have lost someone you love so deeply you will never know the anger you are capable of carrying around inside of you.  The sorrow, the pain, the anger, the confusion, and the frustration will reveal its worth in your life stronger then you can ever imagine.  You will question everything in your life, every turn you turned, every step you took, trying to find reasoning beyond comprehension on the why's this life was removed from your own.  You feel as if nothing in life will every hurt you more then losing that person that brought out feelings and emotions in you that you never knew existed.

Until the next death, until the next person you love is removed from your earthly life.  You will think about how you never knew you could feel so much pain ever again, yet here come all those emotions all over again.  The sadness in your heart, the anger in your mind, the confused and frustrating thoughts as you ponder over all those questions you had with the last death you encountered that never got answered.  Survivors guilt because you know the person you lost had strengths and faith bigger then your own yet you were allowed to stay and they were chosen to go.  You were left to mourn while they were chosen to celebrate death Beyond A Breath Of Life.

While the memories are often warm and loving they are not enough to ward off the anger of the loss.  A tear drops for every memory shared.  No answers are formed to the questions that remain.  The faster you run from the pain the more obstacles you run into, reminders of your loved one lost around every corner you turn. 

A mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a son, a daughter.  A grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, a cousin.  A niece, a nephew, a neighbor, a friend.  Death knocks on each and every door.   Death takes from all religions, all ethnics, all shapes and sizes, all ages.  Death takes from the rich, the poor, the healthy, the sick.  When death comes calling, whether you answer or not, you will be taken.  The best you can hope for is that those you love will be spared and you get to keep them here on earth with you for a bit longer.

You can walk away on a positive note from the pain of death.  Surviving the pain of losing a loved one will make you a stronger person.  It will reveal your strengths and weakness in life and allow you to improve upon them.  Through the death of a loved one you will learn more about yourself then any kind of instruction you get from life itself.  The death of a loved one will provide you with the tools to strengthen your character in life.  It will give you the motivation to build your faith, be a better Christian, be a better you.

When facing the pain of death in the life you live.  When you have lost the very best of the people you have surrounded yourself with.  When you have seen yourself as you have never seen yourself before ... you can choose to mourn a life, or celebrate a life that left to soon.  Celebrating someone's life is a great tribute to how much you loved them when they were breathing the same air you are.  Give yourself time to mourn, time to grieve and upon realizing that the Circle Of Life just turned your world around, celebrate the life that was and the journey your loved one has moved onto. 

Dedicated to: 

 Misfit Brother Charlie (RIP Grandpa Greg) and

Misfit Brother James (RIP Grandpa Larry)

Missing My Brother In Heaven

                                

Seven years ago I stood at the side of the hospital bed of my 24 year old brother Joey.  It wasn't his first time in the hospital and it wasn't his first day in the hospital this time around.  It would be his last.  On this day seven years ago Joey died from complications of lung cancer.  We watched him fight this cancer for over a year and the past three months or so we watched him suffer, knowing he would not win this battle.  On this day seven years ago Joey would let go of his life on earth, leaving behind his family and many friends.  I don't really know if Joey actually had a choice to let go or not, but in the last couple of days of his life I sensed he was making his peace with God. 

Joey did not have religion in his life.  He never spoke of his beliefs in God or what he thought would happen to him once his time on earth expired.  Not with me anyway.  He had a friend that would read to him from the bible and talk to him about how God accepts everyone into His Kingdom as long as they were sorry for the sins they committed on earth.  Joey never shared those conversations with me and what little I know about the religion he sought I heard from sitting outside his bedroom door in our house on  Bushnell when his friend came by (almost daily) to sit with him.

Joey had lots of visitors when he was bed ridden in the Bushnell house but only one who visited often and read to him from the bible.  While others were hoping Joey would live and wishing him well and telling him they would be back soon, only one would sit with him and talk about death.  What it meant to die, where we go when we die, and whether we were worthy of going to heaven when we did die.  Others would tell him he would be okay, he could fight this, he could win.  Only one would just listen to Joey talk about death, his death, and help him prepare for what comes after life, and help him find peace with God, peace with himself.  Whether she believed he would live or die, whether she thought he would go to heaven or hell, whether she believed what they read in the bible, she never revealed.  She always just listened to Joey's concerns about the afterlife and let him believe what he wanted, and let him find his way to peace in his mind, his heart and his soul.

Joey was no saint in life and I remember him as being fearless and careless in his daily grind.  I listened to them talk without them knowing I was there.  I heard the stories they shared about his past and the things he did and the things he was sorry for, and also the things he was not sorry for.  I remember clearly how Joey would tell a story about something he did that was wrong, he knew it was wrong, and if it was something that broke anyone of the TEN COMMANDMENTS.  I remember them laughing as they thumbed through the bible to find an example of whatever it was he had done and how God would forgive someone in the bible for the very same thing. 

It was perhaps those days that brought me closer to the desire I held to find out more about God, His Church, His teachings and His promise of eternal life.  It was perhaps what put the fear of God inside of me to stay on the beaten path least I fall and tumble into the turmoil of whether I would be forgiven for turning my back on the path to eternal life.  Those unnoticed moments of eavesdropping on my brother and his friend may very well have been what sparked my interest in finding a church family and committing my soul to God and His promise of a future in heaven with Him and those I love and miss dearly that have gone before me.

My love for my brother has done nothing but grow stronger in the seven years he has been gone from my life, beyond a breath of life.  My love for God has done nothing but grow stronger as well in the last seven years, even though I know in faith I have much more work to do in preparing myself for my journey beyond a breath of life.  I often wonder had Joey not died, if Joey and his friend had not spent hours pondering the question "what is life after death" going to be like, would I be as focused in my religious life as I am now?  Is that the answer to my question on why Joey had to die?  Did Joey have to die so I could find God and invite him into my heart so one day I will enjoy an eternal life with Him?  If Joey had not died would I have ever found faith? 

Seven years ago today and I still question the reason Joey had to leave me.  I am still trying to find answers that I know cannot satisfy the questions I have.  Like the pain of losing Joey that will never go away, the questions on why he had to go away will also never leave my heart.  While I understand the Circle of Life and I understand we are born to die, I don't understand why the one person in my life that I needed and trusted had to leave me.  Were there not others who could have gone before Joey?  Were there others who needed to be with God more?  Was there not anyone else who could have gone before Joey so he could be there when I fail? when I succeed? when I hurt? when I laughed?

I used to ask God to send Joey back.  I used to pray to God to take me too. I just wanted to be with my brother, my friend, my safety net, my hero.  Knowing Joey could never come back and knowing I could always go to him was the next burden I carried in my heart.  Yes, you can love someone so much you feel you cannot live without them.  It was not just the love for Joey that had me begging God to take me too, it was the fear of life as well.  Joey knew all my secrets and gave me hope of getting out of a bad situation.  Joey protected me very well before he got sick.  Joey knew, he know, and he was going to help me.  How could You, GOD, take away my savior?

I reflect today on those thoughts seven years ago that invaded me after Joey died.  I also reflect today on how far I have come and how by Joey dying I actually was able to get away from a bad situation.  By Joey dying I found God.  By Joey dying I can help others.  Joey's death has allowed me to live free of the abuse he promised to get me away from.  Just like he promised me he would do.  Today I reflect on the Circle of Life and how God places us exactly where He wants us in life, exactly where we need to be.  Whether we understand our purpose in God's plan, whether we question where we are in life verses where we feel we should be, there is one thing we should try to remember.  We are where we are needed  so that God's plan for eternity and His promise that we will all one day, reunite in a world of beauty, peace in love.

Joey, brother, not a day goes by that you are not floating around inside my heart.  The memories I have of you have never faded and its as if I can feel you in the beat of my heart and with each breath I breathe.  Inside my heart it's like you never died and I can still close my eyes and see you standing next to me.  I can feel you with me and with each gust of wind I can feel you near me. I love you Joey, and I miss you deeply.  R.I.P. ~ Jett

Orphans and Misfits: Looking To Fit In

My previous three blogs each advanced me into a competition where the winning blog would receive a charitable donation on their behalf for an organization they feel strongly about in their support for them.  The following blog helped me win that contest and a donation was made to a local organization that assists in the care of children who have been abandoned and deserted by their parents or guardians. 

From the bottom of my very deep loving heart, I applaud those of you who have loved your children with all your being.  From the bottom of my heart, I applaud those of you who have taken on the task of being a parent to someone who was abandoned by their own.  With a very heart felt thank you, I applaud those of you who have stepped into a child's life and sacrificed your wants and needs for the wants and needs of that child.  God Bless you in your journey and may peace land on you and those you love.  ~ Jett

Orphan: child without parents: a child whose parents are both dead or who has been abandoned by his or her parents, especially a child not adopted by another family (Bing Dictionary)

Wouldn't it be great to eliminate every orphan from the world by being able to provide them with a family that would welcome them into their home, their family, their lives?  To know that no child would fall asleep at night alone, afraid, wondering what life would have to offer them if they had someone to love them, unconditionally and forever?  To know that no tears would fall on a pillow tonight because the eyes they fall from are now sparkling from the love showered upon them?  To know that no child tonight will feel defeated in a life that has yet to begin.  Wouldn't it be nice?!

Misfit: a person who has a family yet does not feel like they belong.   a person who has left the family they have due to some sort of abuse (whether it be mental, physical, or sexually) to seek out a family where they feel accepted.

The clear cut difference between an orphan and a misfit is that an orphan has not yet found a family to call their own.  As a misfit you make your own family that includes other misfits who also were just seeking the stability of a family unit when theirs failed them.  As an orphan, that is if you are under the age of 18, you are placed in a group home until you can be fostered out or adopted.  As an orphan you wait for someone to come along and make you part of their family.  As an orphan you are left wondering how you will fit into your new family.  As a misfit you picked them so you know it is a good fit for you.

There are many programs across the country that provides support for children whose parents or guardians have failed them.  The Boys and Girls Homes across this country provide the support a child needs to learn life long skills that allow them to get a start when they become an adult and will be on their own.  They provide Arts, Education, Leadership, Life Skills, Sports Fitness and Recreation, as well as Technology.  They instill confidence in the lives of those children so they may one day become responsible citizens in the communities they live in. 

The Boys and Girls Clubs across this nation provides children a safe place to go, whether they are orphans, misfits, or just kids needing to get away.  Volunteers and staff are always on hand to help with the needs of the children seeking guidance and leadership.  They are there to provide the support needed to cope with life.  They offer family programs as well that often helps keeps families together.

Placing children into homes and families is a cumbersome task in itself and to add to the frustration of placement of these kids is the lack of homes available or families willing to take them in.  It is costly to provide the services to children that will prepare them for society when they turn 18 and it leaves very little funding to keep providing these children with their needs once they reach the age limit to receive help from these organizations.  It is the hope that those children fostered or adopted will still get that support once they turn of age but that is not always the case.  Then there are the children who never get adopted or fostered who get pushed out of the system whether they are ready or not when they reach the age of 18. 

There will never be enough money to provide each child with the needs they have up to the age of 18, even though their food and bed will be provided for them, the lack of funds in preparing them for life after they become adults often fails them.  Every dollar makes a difference and anyone who can spare one is making the difference in the lives of a child.  If you could take a moment to visit this site and perhaps make a small donation it would be greatly appreciated.  Boys and Girls Homes of America.  You are two clicks away from enriching a child's life.

My Aunt Mary recently decided to foster two brothers who were abandoned by their mother.  Living on their own for three months these brothers, ages 9 and 10, became wards of the state when not a single family member would step forward to guardian them.  Fostering these brothers will provide them with the love of a family while keeping them off the streets, getting them a proper education and preparing them for life when they enter adulthood.  It provides them with the comfort of a home full of love, a hot meal, a warm bed, clean clothes and lots of laughter.  It protects them from the streets and all it has to offer in all the wrong directions.  I suspect Aunt Mary will adopt the brothers and pull them even closer to the life of a loving family.

I think about the kids that don't get fostered, or adopted.  Kids that will age out too soon from a system strapped and burdened down with expenses that exceed the funds.  So many kids in the system that enough is never enough.  Where a dollar is stretched so thin the warmth of a good nights sleep is overcast with worry of a one more child arriving for help.  What will become of child turned adult that never found love and warmth of a family to grow into.  What will become of the child who never found a place they could call home.  Will that child go out into the big adult world and find their misfit family where they fit in?  Will that child ever feel like they are home?

Money may not seem like the answer to those of us who have never laid in bed at night wondering what it would be like to be tucked in by a parent who loves us.  Or to wake up in the morning to a hot breakfast our mom made us.  Or to hear our dad tell us how proud he is of us.  Or to hear an I love you from someone we thought would always unconditionally love us.  Money is probably not even on the mind of the child looking for a thicker blanket in a roomful of others who landed in a home for children abandoned and/or abused.  The money will matter to the organizations trying to support these kids.  The people responsible for caring for these kids, the people who day in and day out watch these children as they wait to be fostered or adopted.  The people who wipe the tears, touch the hurting heart, mend the broken trust.  Those are the people who the money will matter to the most.  So that they can continue the support of these kids beyond the age of 18 as they continue to look for that one place they might actually feel where they fit in.

Orphan or Misfit:  An individual that just wants to belong, be apart of someone else's heart. 

Casting Blame : Childhood Abuse Awareness

                                                   

I am not seeking anywhere to cast blame for my past.  The span of my childhood from age seven to fourteen can not be labeled as normal, or can it?  One in every 100 children are abused, 75% of them are victims of neglect.  Meaning under the care of a parent or guardian they are not provided the basic means of life.  Their parent or guardian fails to provide them with medical care, educational care, emotional support or the opportunity to be physical outside their home.   The other 25% are victims of physical, mental, and sexual abuse, as is my background.
It would be easy to blame my birth dad for throwing me into the statistic of child abuse victim.  I can think of a million different statistic's and study's I'd rather be a part of then the 25% I am in.  I can hate him all I want, I can blame him all I want, I can forget it all I want but that doesn't change any of the things that happened to me during those seven years.  I still get angry, I still get sad, I still have nightmares.  The difference between myself now and me fourteen years ago is that while time never healed those old wounds, time has taught me I was not alone in a world where child abuse gets swept under a rug behind closed doors.

I was never angry with my mom for not removing me from that house, from not getting me away from my abuser dad.  I survived with her by my side. She was just trying to survive herself.  I realize my life for those seven years could have been much worse.  I could not only be in the 25% of the abuse statistic I could very easily have been in the other 75% where the neglect took growth opportunities away from those in that category.  My mom at least home schooled me and held me accountable to do the best I could, learn to read well, speak clearly.  During the days when my birth dad was at work I was allowed to play outside, in fact it was encouraged and some of my fondest memories about Sioux City IA was walking the avenue in Morningside daily, weather permitting.  My mom showered me with love and taught me how to love.  I was at least mentally and emotionally and physically strong even though I could not reveal that to my abuser who saw me as weak.

I had my brothers to look up to and Joey looked after me best he could before he got sick.  And he kept his word to me even while he was dying.  He would make sure my life got better and I had opportunities in my life he never did.  He died leaving me in the hands of his two very best friends who have helped me get to this point in my life today.  I am free of the childhood abuse I endured but the pain of the past is something I may never be free of in my journey on earth.  The one thing that remains in my mind is the statement "It could have been worse."

I can shoot childhood abuse and neglect statistic's to you all day long but the only number you need to remember when it comes to children is the number one.  One child abused is one child to many.  One child neglected is one child to many.  One child's death due to neglect and/or abuse is one child too many.  We may never be able to end child abuse but we can certainly open our eyes to our surroundings.  We can offer help, or we can contact people who can help.  We can make a difference in the statistics, improve them.

My family kept the abuse in our home a secret.  We silenced ourselves, out of fear, maybe embarrassment, perhaps we had no idea where to turn, where to run, where to hide.  So we hid in the house that we were abused in.  We sheltered ourselves from the world.   Someone knew, someone expected, someone wondered, but no one cared.  It was "none of my business" or 'I had no proof".  When it comes to the welfare of children it is ALL of OUR business.  In todays world we have access to so much social media, so much information via the internet.  In life, when something does not feel right, it is often wrong.  Our instincts tell us something does not seem right, our hearts hurt at the thought of wrong doing, but we let our minds convince us to stay out of it.  Challenge yourself to open your eyes, your ears, your heart to a child you feel needs someone to stand up for them, then open your mouth and find a way to set them free.

An average of five children die each day from abuse and/or neglect.  FIVE to many.

Standing In Judgment

The world would be a boring place if we were all the same.

One of the most grave errors we as humans make in our lives is to try to cure our pain through the judgment of others.  It somehow makes us feel better and less lonely when we can pick apart how others live.  Pointing out the differences in others takes the burden of what we do not like about ourselves off our minds.  It's as if somehow ridiculing someone else will make the pain of who we are go away.  The issue with that theory is that it is short lived, that feeling we get from thinking we are better then the person we are making fun of doesn't last very long.

Being short or tall, thin or fat, black or white, bears no weight on who is inside the shell we live in on earth.  What we wear or how we wear it, what we eat or what we drive does not define who we are on the inside.  Whether our hair is black, orange, green or even whether we are bald does not tell the story of where we came from. 

The story of our life lives inside our souls and the only way anyone will have access to that story is if we choose to share it with them.  Any other assumption we have on what someone else's past has been like would be us judging them based on the shell we see them wearing.  You often hear 'Never judge a book buy its cover' and as simple as that phrase sounds to understand many people believe it is about picking up a book and reading it before you say it is good or bad.  That theory is meant to throw critic's off their game.  No one can judge for you whether you will like a book, a movie, a game, or even a piece of art.  Therefore you should keep in mind that listening to someone else's opinion on what you may or may not like is senseless  Find out for your self, let yourself be the judge of what sits before you in life.

Something I challenge myself on throughout my day is to get to know the situations I face before I cast judgment on what its appearance is.  It is hard not to jump to conclusions and proves just as difficult to keep my thoughts to myself before I get the real story.  It is something I practice daily and the more I am aware of this the easier it becomes to not sit in judgment of others.  This challenge I have taken on with myself has placed a lot of great people in my life that I may have otherwise written off by judging without conviction before I approached them through friendship.  I am far from being the perfect human, or the perfect child of God and realizing I am still growing in my own spiritual world has benefited me in being a nicer person to those I cross paths with.

The following blog review will best describe to you how judging those you do not know can both destroy you and renew your faith in others at the same time.  (Beautiful Life Moments).  Challenge yourself to take time in your day to find the greatness of others when others are judging them based on their 'cover' in life.  Challenge yourself to open the book before you toss it to the side.  When you catch yourself judging someone, stop yourself.  What judgment are you making towards someone you do not know that is causing you to avoid judging yourself and making yourself a better person.

You do not become more attractive because you called someone ugly.  You do not get skinner because you called someone fat.  You do not gain riches by making fun of someone who is poor.  What will make you a better person, what will make you happier with who you are, is to reach out to others in need.  Lend a hand, share a smile, pay it forward.  Work on yourself from the inside out, that my friend, will make you more beautiful.  Feed someone who is hungry, that my friend, will make you fuller.  Gift some a nice winter coat, that my friend, will make you warmer.  Paying if forward will make you feel better about yourself, and less bitter about others.

You have two hands, one to help yourself and one to help others.

Cross to Bear

"Our journey on earth will challenge us with many crosses to bear. 

 No one cross is any heavier than the other." ~ Jett

"Walk a mile in my shoes" is a phrase you often hear when you are standing in front of someone expressing to them a burden heavy on your heart and clouding your mind about whatever cross you are bearing in your life.   It's probably one of my least favorite phrases we as humans toss around.  It's as if the person making that statement to you is telling you that their troubles are worse then your own.  That their life is somehow much harder to live then the life you are living.  I believe we all have our cross to bear and that no matter what we are going through there are others going through a hardship in their own lives that is just as hard for them to understand and get through as our own. 

I have blogged about many of the times I was struggling in my life in one way or another.  It is therapeutic for me to blog about my life. My past, my present and what the future may or may not hold for me.  It is not to compare my struggles in life with the struggles of anyone else in the world. In fact, my hope is that someone, somewhere in the world, will feel like they are not alone in the struggles that they face when they read about mine.

It is no secret to anyone who reads my blogs that I was abused mentally, physically and sexually in the house I grew up in.  It is no secret that many children are mentally, physically and sexually abused at the hands of a family member, or a friend of the family, or even a stranger.  There are many children who are no doubt mentally, physically and sexually abused that we do not know about.  There are many children who are abused that some people know are abused but do not offer them help in getting out of the situation they are in.  It is tragic for all that have fallen victim at the hands of their abusers.  It is a cross to bear in life that no child should ever have to carry through their lives, yet many children do.

No child of abuse has it any worse, or any better, then the next child being abused.  To try to compare whose pain is bigger, whose hurt is deeper, or whose abuse is worse is demeaning to anyone who has been abused.  It's like the difference of a white lie and a flat out lie.  While the white lie is to protect someone's feelings, it is still a lie.  "Thy shall not bear false witness" is one of the ten commandments and it speaks of untruthful words against one another.  It does not say "Thy should not bear false witness with the exception of the white lie".   A lie is a lie and the truth is the truth, no matter to what degree either has been told.  It is the same with the cross we bear in our lives.  A struggle is a struggle and not one of us struggles any more or less then the next person. 

I am twenty-one and from the ages of seven to fourteen I was a victim of abuse by my birth dad.  I will struggle with the reasoning for this abuse the rest of my life,  Even if my birth dad was still alive today I would never understand the sins he committed against me, but it is not in my nature to not keep trying to figure out (1) what I did to deserve the abuse, (2) what I could have done differently to avoid the abuse and (3) why my birth dad did not love me.  My brothers more then likely suffered through the same abuse as I did although two of them are now deceased and cannot answer that question for me.  My living brother confirmed his abuse for me but chooses to not openly deal with the struggle of that part of his past.  I don't feel my abuse was any worse then what they went through, even though my brother and I handle our past history differently. 

I don't know what my brother feels in his heart about what he went through but I don't know how it could compare any differently to mine, or to any other child that was, or is being, abused today.  The abuse may be different but the scars it leaves in our souls is the same.  The memories etched in our minds may be different but the nightmares are the same.  The pain it leaves in our hearts shows outwardly at different levels but the question as to why we were not loved by our abusers is the same.  It never leaves you, just like the death of a loved one never goes away, the nightmares of our past will always keep us on the edge of a goodnights sleep.

It makes me sad in my heart when I come across someone who feels the need to challenge others on the severity of the cross they bear in life.  What it is about their struggle for them to feel the need to have it worse then the rest of us?  How does the need to have it worse then anyone else make it any easier to cope with whatever struggle you face.  What makes your situation, your past, your abuse, any harsher then the next victim?  What makes the cross you bear in life any heavier then anyone else's?

I think the most inspiring words ever spoken to me when I questioned someone's fate was the day I asked my little friend Gracie who was dying of brain cancer what I thought would bring a completely different answer then the one I received.

“If you had one wish that you knew would be granted, what would you wish for?”  With little thought her answer sent tears rolling down my face.  “I would wish that no one else in the world would ever get cancer, and go through all the pain and fears that I have … and that I will be the last one ever, to have to die, because of cancer.” ( Meeting Amazing Gracie additional blog link)

"I will never ask you to walk a mile in my shoes, but I will walk next to you in your journey.  As long as I can I will help you carry whatever cross you are bearing and make your burden lighter." 

~ Jett