Paths of Journey

It is difficult to know which path in life that God would like you to stay on.  What is His plan?  What talent do you possess that He may want you to work on so you can serve Him as you journey to Him.  Some people you cross paths with seem to have found that path effortlessly.  Pastor Jill is a youth pastor in Florida and our paths crossed through the blog I publish.  I had the opportunity to meet her when she was in the Boston area on business and asked if we might meet in person.

Pastor Jill told me that as a young girl she always felt close to her church family.  She told me when she was just fourteen she felt God was calling upon her to serve him.  Well into her teen years she focused on her Christianity and the belief that it was in God's plan that she remained pure of body and soul.  Pastor Jill felt it was His plan for her to set the example to others on how to serve God and spread his word to all those around her.  So at the age of fourteen she started her journey on earth, with God walking next to her, spreading his word of love and joy and peace.

She shared many stories with me of spreading God's word from the age of fourteen to twenty three.  It is not that she stopped spreading the word at the age of twenty three, it is at that time when she felt God was leading her down a new path in her life, where she would continue to share His word with others, but also add a loving relationship to her life by way of Mark, the man she would marry and start a family with.  He would father her two children, Seylah who is eight, and Heaven who is four. 

I have kept in touch with Pastor Jill on a regular basis and although miles separate our lives, we both believe God connected us by faith.  We email often and she often uses my blogs to share with her youth group ministry.   Pastor Jill and her family have become great friends to the Misfits and myself.  She continuously tries to convince me that being a youth minister may be part of journey that God is leading me to.  We email endlessly regarding this topic, as well as several other options I have in my life that I am trying to figure out. I often second guess my choices, asking myself does God want me in a different direction other then the one I am currently headed?

Today I sat in reflection of where I am on my journey.  I am headed into my senior year of Mass Communications with an emphasis on Journalism.  I will end my senior year with a Masters in Journalism, a BA in Spanish and continue on for two additional years to obtain a BA in Elementary Education.  I find it very frustrating as I enter my fourth year of college wondering if I am going in the right direction in my life.  Am I in tune enough with my spiritual side to recognize whether or not the path I am on is the path God has designed for me to be on?

As a young boy, back in Sioux City, IA, books were a huge part of my life.  My mother read to me from as early as I can remember, pushing me in a stroller up Lemon Street, across Morningside Ave, following it down past the church, the bakery, the old corner fire station to the public library.  We would spend all afternoon there where she would read a book she enjoyed while I played in the children's corner  She would check out two books she would read to me that evening and we would make the same trip the next day to return them and check out two more books.  When I was able to walk the length of the trip the number of books my mom would check out would increase and continue to do so for as long as we journeyed to the library.

I was home schooled by my mom, and a big part of our day was reading books.  She read to me as she taught me to read until the day I could begin to read to her.  Books fascinated me to say the least.  Around the time I was ten or eleven in age I would visit our neighbors and bring home the magazines they were going to throw away.  It was a past time for me in the evenings after my 'dad' got home from work.  During the day my mom and myself got plenty of sunshine.  Walking down to my aunt Shirley's house two block away.  Riding my bike around the corner, down Bushnell, and back up again.  Roller blading up Lemon Street to Morningside Ave and back down again until I reached our house.  When 'dad' was home we were not allowed outside.  We were not allowed to be noisy, play music, watch TV.  We were to be quiet so he could enjoy his meal in peace and relax in silence after his long day at work.  So you can imagine how reading became my favorite pastime, when all other activities were banned for this growing teenage boy.  Long before I knew it was even an option, I had dreams of writing books.  I fantasized often of walking to the library and running my finger along the thousands of books the shelves held and coming across a book with my name on it as the person who had written it.  I imagined it was very worn with tattered pages due to the popularity of a book written by myself.  Yes, from as far back as I can remember I wanted to write and publish books. 

There was nothing I did not read, except the Bible.  We had no religion inside our Bushnell home to call our own.  The first time I was introduced to God's word was when Joey was being snuffed out by lung cancer, bed ridden, waiting for his last breath on earth to be taken.  A good friend to my brother would come and sit with him and they would read passages from the Bible.  It stirred up a lot of questions inside of me, with no one to ask. So I sat and wondered what God, his Word, and Faith was all about.  It would be the summer after Joey died that I would find all this out in Boston MA.  I found a family inside a small old church on the corner that was filled with little old ladies, gray hair, canes, walkers and a small mix of young families of all races.  With-in a week of 'finding God' I was on my way to becoming a Christian, choosing the Catholic church as the house that would build me in faith and hope and love. 

As I sit here today and think about the road that got me to where I am, I cannot help but wonder why God has brought me to this point in my life the way He did.  Crossing paths with Pastor Jill, so far from where I live.  She is a wonderful youth minister in her church and I enjoy hearing how big of a difference she has made in so many lives.  I remember when I told her I had joined the ladies Guild at my church so I could be an active part of prayer chains and funeral meals their committee offered, she tried disparately to convince me to drop the Guild and help with my churches youth program.  "You are a young man", she told me, "there is no room for you in the ladies club."

I enjoy the ladies Guild, and those old women teach me a lot about life.  I attend one of the weekly meetings a month, but I call on them constantly to start a prayer chain for one person or another.  I visit with them before mass each Sunday and on the rare occasion I am not at mass, one of them will contact me and let me know they missed me at mass.  I have taken it upon myself to speak with the younger women in the church and invite them to be part of the ladies Guild with great results in building the ladies club up for the future when one day, those 60 to 80 year old women go to meet their maker.

Today I am not questioning my place or role in the Catholic church.  I am not questioning all the classes and teachings I have gone through to receive the Sacraments of the church.  I have received the Sacraments of Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation.  I am an active member of my church and am called on to serve as an alter-person, a lecture, and to serve wine and administer communion.  I take the Misfit 'littles' to church with me, to set an example for them of who God should be in their lives from the beginning to the end.  I feel I am where I should be in my faith.  I continue to work on my faith as to obtain the Grace of God and secure my space in eternity with God.

So why do I constantly question my faith?  Why do I feel it is never enough, that I am not doing enough to please God and help others?  Is it because the path I have set myself on is not the same path that God wants me on?  Does Pastor Jill know something about the path I am to be on that I do not?  Is God calling me to be a youth minister?  Is this the reason death is such a huge part of my earth's journey?  Are there more Adrians, Carlos's, Avery's out there that need me in there lives?

Is it possible that a guy like me that came from a back ground like mine, full of physical, mental and sexual abuse, could make a difference in the lives of kids in today's world?  Is it possible that a guy like me, who mourns the death of his brother who died seven years ago, could bring comfort to others who have lost someone close to them?   Is it possible that a guy like me could turn a cold lost soul into a warm soul with enough fire and passion to desire a life of eternity with God?  Is it possible that the journey behind me was designed to lead me to others on earth that have yet to experience all I have in my past?  Is it possible that I might be able to guide today's youth through a world of hate and despair into an eternity of peace and love?

I guess the answers to my questions on how I can best walk through life making the world better when I leave it then when I came into it are surrounded by my faith.  If only I trusted myself with my future as much as I trust God with it, those questions would go away.  If only I believed in myself as much as God believes in me, I would focus less on where I think God wants me, and more on where God has placed me.

"Ce'dric, I'm sorry I didn't see your pain.  Mine is not a forgiveness you should have to ask for.  However, yours is.  Forgive me my friend, for not believing in God's plan for you, and failing to accept your passage to heaven.  Make peace with your heart and in 100 years I will find you in eternity and our friendship there will be as deep as it was here. ~ Jett"

Matthew 6:25-34                    

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

Friends: The Pain That Cannot Be Healed

The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.

My friend Ce'dric, who is now gone from earth and resting peacefully in God's park, left behind many people who are still grieving his death.  His youngest brother Adrian, ten, called me yesterday and asked if he could come over to my house for the evening.  With his dad's approval I picked him up after work and brought him to the Misfit house.

Adrian is still in possession of Ce'dric's cell phone and will text me quite often, mostly in the evening hours when he should be asleep.  There is a comfort I provide him that I cannot take away from him, although I am unsure exactly what that comfort is.  It pains my heart when he calls me Ce'dric by mistake.  I miss Ce'dric terribly but the pain in my heart comes from how much Adrian misses his oldest brother.  I was fourteen when my twenty-four year old brother Joey died.  Adrian was ten when his twenty-three year old brother died. 

I remember the pain of Joey's death inside of me in great detail.  Mostly because it hurts as much seven years later as it did the day we watched him take his last breath on earth.  I know it pained those around me that watched me struggle each day to keep moving forward.  What I did not know, was how hurt their hearts must of felt.  Watching Adrian struggle with his brothers, and his mothers death (she died a short time after Ce'dric did), has me reliving those moments I will never experience again, because God would not give me Joey back. 

Adrian liked eating at the Misfit house where we all sat around the table, said our blessing, and devour the most delicious home cooked meals you can imagine.  He wanted to say the pre meal blessing, and no one had any problem with that at all.  It was short and to the point.  "God, thank you for blessing my life with these nice people.  They cannot replace Ce'dric and my mom, but they sure do love good.  AMEN."

I looked up at Adrian, who still had his head bowed down as he held hands with my Aunt Claire and niece Olivia.  A quick glance towards my dad and I saw a single tear fall out of his eye and roll down his cheek as he also looked at Adrian.  In that falling tear I saw the pain in the heart of my dad that I remember seeing so many years ago when we said goodbye to Joey.  I felt the pain in my heart for the brothers who would struggle in years to come at the lost of their loved ones, gone from their young lives.  With our AMEN's said after such a fine prayer, little three year old Olivia climbed off her chair and hugged Adrian.

I thought about the last time I saw my little sister before the accident which took her life at the age of three.  I thought about my little angel Gracie, gone at the age of eight.  I longed for the hug of my mother, gone almost two years now.  I longed for the days of Sioux City IA where Joey drug me around the city making sure I knew he loved me.  I longed for Connor who recklessly loss his life with drugs and alcohol.  Ce'dric who decided earth was not for him.  I thought about all those who have died before and live beyond a breath of life.  Oh how I wish I could have every single one of them back.

My heart was aching for my losses, but it was in a tailspin for Adrian and Avery's losses.  That pain that is indescribable even to others who have suffered a loss as great as a loved one.  There are no words that can come close to expressing the hurt that truly never heals.  The best possible way to 'feel' that pain is to look into the eyes of those hurting.  I can see it in Adrian's eyes, it is a scared hurt.  A confused hurt, a hurt that says he is wondering what is next.  What do I do now?  A pain he is incapable of burying deep enough to hide.  I can see he has questions but has not been able to form them yet.  I can see the fear he has for death, this new found enemy that took those lives from him.

What he will not allow me to see is the tears, but I know they are there.  I can tell when he turns away from me he is hiding them.  I can hear them in his voice when he talks to me.  I know they are there and I want so bad to tell him "it's OK to cry" just like Gracie told me that day I told her about Joey and how much I missed him.  I can feel them in the hugs we give each other.  I can only hope he feels the comfort I have to offer him.  I can only hope he understands that I know he is sad and that I know it hurts in a way that you know no one can fix for you.

We played games, Go Fish and Crazy Eights.  We listened to my IPOD, comparing music.  We sat on the deck and talk about the sky and all it holds.  This is life's perspective for a little boy who knows nothing else.  Introduced to death at such a young age, in such horrible circumstances.  Unprepared, uninformed, unannounced.  No warning, no clues, no time.  Just sorrow and pain.

Damn you Ce'dric.  Damn you.

Family: In God We Should Trust

It's been a rough past seven days for me to say the least.  The man who for the last seven years that has overseen my upbringing was stricken with a sudden illness.  Jake will be OK, in fact, they are 95% sure, at least, that in a years time he will be right where he left off health wise last week.  I worry about the 5% they are not so sure, even though I know they are more then likely very accurate in their assessment of his health.

I have many people in my life that I have depended on to help me get to where I am today.  GOD is at the top of that list.   It is HE who gives me the strength and faith I need to keep moving forward in my journey on earth.  I not only spend a great deal of time reading the Bible and talking to HIM, but I also have the many people HE has placed in my life.  There are several people I believe HE has helped me cross paths with along my way that HE put there in my times of need.

I have not always recognized those that I needed, or how I needed them, but they have always been there for me.  Some have come and gone, but most are here to stay.  When I say they are here to stay I am not talking about that literally, because the Circle Of Life will one day take them away from the physical world.  I have lost many family members and many friends to the Circle Of Life.  I have not always handled their deaths with the grace that God has gifted me.  Most often after I go through the grieving process I come to terms with those whose spirits remain after their souls were lifted.  Sometimes it takes longer to overcome my grief.  Sometimes I guess I never really do.

This is what disturbs me about the 5% they are not so sure Jake's (my dad's) cancer will not return.  Jake is my pillar in life.  He is the one man I could look up to with trust, knowing he would never let me walk in the path of harms way.  He has not only unselfishly crossed over onto my path in life from his, he has done this for all of us misfits.  He is there when we need him and he is there when we don't even know we need him.  There are so many things that he takes care of that we have no idea it needed to be taken care of.  From sunup to sundown he moves through the day picking up the pieces we all have left behind.

So 5% of uncertainty in the welfare of the one man in my life that never turned his back on me is 5% to much.  I have spent the last six days in a somber mood that has spiraled out of control for a kid that opens a Bible daily to thank GOD for all that he has been given.  Today while I was sitting at work, thinking about Jake and what he will have to go through in the next 4 to 6 months I was hit with the realization that I was looking in the wrong direction.  I threw myself back into the past where the roads of destruction actually lead me to Jake.  Regrets for the past would mean no Jake in my future.  Losing Jake is a constant that I carry in my heart everyday.  I fear losing him would be like losing my faith in GOD and everything he has given me.  The one father figure in my life that has earned my respect, and enough of it, to call him dad.  He was not a part of my creation but he is a big part of who I have become, and will continue to become.  I trust him with all my being, I feel safe behind his shadow, I feel peace in his existence in my life.

I found myself starting to bargain with God.  Bargaining with GOD with offers of what I would do if he would just please, this once, let someone I love live, and live long, even beyond my last breath on earth.  I was praying for what I wanted, what I needed.  I have spent the last seven years learning how to pray, and pray properly.  When I felt I found the answer of how to properly pray I wrote it in the front of each Bible I own, so when I opened them I would remember its not what we want or feel we need in life, it's accepting what GOD has given us, good or bad, so we can become better selves of who he would like us to be.

"Dear GOD, give me the strength to accept everything YOU give me in life, good or bad, and see it as getting one step closer to the eternity you have to offer me."

Sitting up at the hospital during the night with Jake last night, I asked GOD that question again.  "Why GOD, do you continue to test my Faith?"  It may have been exhaustion setting in, it may have been a subconscious dream, or it may have been GOD himself.  I felt a presence near me, as if Jake and I were not alone.  In my heart I heard these words "Your faith is not being tested by anyone other than yourself.  When you question your belief in all that is given to you, look inside your heart, for your mind plays tricks on your soul."

Often the answers we are looking for to the questions we have come from inside ourselves.  It is easy to blame others, including GOD, for the poor decisions we make in life.  It is easy to want to blame others, as well as GOD, when we feel weakened in our faith and angry in our hearts.  It is easy to want to blame others when we fear for the worse because we are weary of hoping for the best.  We have all read the poem "Footprints in the Sand"  Footprints in the Sand Site.  We question why GOD was not with us when we needed him the most.  Just like I questioned him on why he was testing my faith.  It is us who walk away from GOD when we need him the most.  It is I who is questioning my faith when I accuse GOD of testing it. 
 
I need to put my trust and faith in GOD, just as I have in Jake.  I need to realize that the reason Jake is in my life is because GOD put him there.  I understand more and more that as the Circle Of Life swoops up around me and robs me of my family and friends, it also leaves others in the places where they stood.  The people in our lives are gifts to us from GOD.  Everyone enters our lives for a reason.  Some will enter our lives to test our loyalty to ourselves and the commandments of GOD.  Some will make us weaker, some will make us stronger, but the only one that can makes us better is ourselves.  In order to be the best we can be, we need to treat others as we would like to be treated.  Make our enemy's our friends.  Judge less, smile more.

Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee,
Trust Him when thy strength is small,
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all.
Trust Him, He is ever faithful,
Trust Him, for his will is best,
Trust Him, for the heart of Jesus
Is the only place of rest.
~ Anonymous

Diary of A Weeping Heart, The Final Day

The following entry in Ce'dric's notebook were his final thoughts, words, and actions as he played out his final day on earth.  Today I turned the notebook back over to his father, who will one day give the opportunity to Avery and Adrian as to if they wish to read Ce'drics final thoughts.  I don't know if I will ever come to terms with how my buddy decided to leave earth.  I don't know if I can find the respect for his actions.  I don't know if I will forgive him the lies and secrets he kept from me.  I do know I will never forget who Ce'dric was to me in my life.  The friendship he offered, the life he shared.  Suicide did not make him less of a friend, less of a brother, less of a son, a cousin, a grandson.  Suicide took him away from being a physical presence in the lives of those who loved him, but it did not take away the spirit he left behind to comfort our sad sorrowful souls.  There was not going to be anyone that could of stopped him.  

"It is what is it, so let it be."

June 22, 2010. It was a Tuesday and me and the boys loaded up in a couple cars and headed off to the rink.  Free skating for fun.  We liked free skating on the ice every now and then verses the grind of playing a game of hockey.  No rules, no penalty's, no pressures, no fights.

It is the day I first laid eyes on Alana and for the next almost three years we would be exclusive to each other in our love for one another.  Three years from that date I find myself anxiously waiting for tonight when I will join my sweet Alana and the plan that was crushed on earth will thrive in heaven, where we will spend a promise to each of eternity together.

June 22, 2013.  It is Saturday and I have waited for this day to arrive for weeks.  Carefully planned and well executed thus far.  Today I will spend the entire day with my family, celebrating my mom's birthday.  It sucks really that the day so special for me in my life happens to fall on the day of my mom's birthday.  That is the only thing I will apologize to anyone for.  I'm sorry mom, that it has to end today.  You are my world, but Alana is my universe.

My agenda is in place for today.

Make breakfast with my brothers for our parents, our first gift to mom. CHECK
A small luncheon with some close friends of my mom to celebrate her day.  CHECK
Cake and ice cream to top off our day together as a family before Mom and Dad head out for the evening. CHECK
Our final gift to mom was a dinner and a movie to follow, just her and dad, out on the town. CHECK
A goodbye to Avery and Adrian for the evening.  I have a few errands to run.  Be good, be in bed before mom and dad get home. CHECK
Put the letters a wrote to them each on moms dresser so they will find them in the morning. CHECK
Leave moms special birthday gift from me on her dresser, a CD of our life since we got to Boston. CHECK
Drive to the rink where I will leave my truck with the letters for each mean girl on the windshield. CHECK
Take a cab to Alana's grave site.CHECK
Leave this world in search of the girl I lost, so we can be together forever ...

... CHECKING OUT

Diary of A Weeping Heart Week 9

 I made contact with Ceddy every day this week, more then once a day on many occasions.  I felt Ceddy was in a good place in his soul, in his heart, and his mind.  He told me he was OK, he missed her, but he realized she is where she wanted to be.  This is what she needed to find a happiness inside that she did not feel on earth.  It hurts, he told me, but I'm OK.  He did not lead me to believe he was having a great week,  he really was having the best week of his life since Alana's was gone.  I don't doubt that for a minute today, as I recall the many conversations we had over this week.  I was proud of Ce'dric for finding peace in his loss.  Little did I know he was less then a week away from obtaining the peace I thought he already had.

June 15, 2013 Saturday:
Mean Girl 1 - Today I had lunch with Suzie.  She was excited when I asked her if she wanted to meet up.  "You've been such a great support for me through this all, let my repay you with lunch."  LIE LIE LIE.  Listening to her talk about herself made me want to stab myself in the ears with my fork and hers.  I kept track of our hour and half lunch.  We spent a good 10 minutes on how I was doing and the next 80 minutes covering how special she is to the world.  SHOOT ME DEAD.  When I pull that trigger I will be reliving this lunch.  How I did not just die of boredom I will never know.

 I made a date with Suzie to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Suzie, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?"  I gave Suzie a thin gold chain with a single charm on it. A musical note I had given to Alana as a trinket representing all the love songs we shared between us, but I did not tell Suzie that.

June 16, 2013 Sunday:
Mean Girl 2 - I saw Staci today. I went to the mass her and her family go to.  I invited myself to sit with her through mass.  I wasn't surprised when her dad asked me to join them for Sunday dinner, in fact, I was banking on it.  Staci lectured me on moving on, she was sorry about Alana but I am young and I should get back into life, move forward, I had a lot of life ahead of me.  I invited Staci to come back over to my house for the evening.  We could sit on the deck and have a beer, talk about things. Blah blah blah, how can one girl have so much to say and it amount to a big pile of nothing.

I made a date with Staci to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Staci, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?"  I gave Staci a thin gold chain with a single charm on it.  An anchor I had given to Alana that represented our love for each other and nothing could make that love drift away.

June 17, 2013 Monday:
Mean Girl 3 - I stopped in Starbucks this morning.  "Oh hey Tayna, I didn't know you worked here. How you been?  Thanks for the cards you send to cheer me up."  LIAR LIAR  "Oh hell Tayna who knew right?  Some people just can't deal, just like you said.  She had everything to live for and then she did this to 'us'.  "Oh good too see you too, sure, lets meet up sometime soon.  Hey, you want to grab a bite to eat tonight, catch up?  We met at Olive Garden.  Tayna had no problem telling me how selfish she thought it was of Alana to do this to me.  She thought Alana loved me bigger then that.  I wished I had brought a pair of invisible ear plugs with me.

I made a date with Tayna to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Tayna, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?"  I gave Tayna a thin gold chain with a single charm on it.  An ice skate I had given to Alana that represented what brought us together, that first night I laid eyes on her.

June 18, 2013 Tuesday:
Mean Girl 4 - Allison.  The last and the meanest of the gaggle that pushed Alana to swing. ring ring "hey Allison, its Ce'dric.  I was going through my year book (lie) yesterday and read what you wrote (truth).  Do you remember?  LOL (lie) yeah, "Ce'dric the Welsh, you crushed my heart so many times but I'm happy we could stay friends.  Love your future, Ali".  "Well I was thinking, if you're still single, maybe we could go out on a date.  I'd like to catch up (lie).  "ahhh, well I'm flattered (lie).  "You want to grab lunch today? My treat?"  We met at Dawg's and while Allison filled me in on everything I've missed in the 23 years of her life I chocked down a hotdog.  I thanked Allison for being such a good friend to me since 4th grade where we first met.

I made a date with Allison to go skating Saturday night at 9pm.  "Just you and me Allison, I'd really like to spend time with you.  Keep it on the down low?  Just between us?" I gave Allison a thing gold chain with a single charm on it.  A rainbow that represented to Alana that I loved her just the way she was and she would always be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbows.

June 19, 2013 Wednesday:
I surprised myself with these plans.  Everything is going as planned, and it had to be executed so perfectly to keep it going.  Got the mean girls lined up for Saturday night.  A few more things to accomplish so I can carry out my plan for as Jett would say, my final breath, "beyond a breath of life".  Share my story Jett, so the boys get it.  I know you will do me justice even through your pissed off state of mind.

It's hard to describe the peace I feel in my heart.   No fear at all.  No anxiety over what's coming.  I imagine this to be how Alana felt the last few days of her life.  Places to go and people to see.  Sharing a little piece of life with you from my teen years.  The struggles I faced back then seemed so real, so devastating to me at the time.  Looking back they were nothing.  They were not even life or death issues.  You look at your options, you choose the best possible one for the outcome you are looking for.  The letters I have written to those who I felt I should leave some sort of reasoning to my decision to explains a bigger portion of the pain I carry inside of me.  They will understand, I hope, that the only happiness left for me is miles away in a place I have been ensured will accept me, no matter what my sin to get there was.

It is what it is, and that is what it will be.

June 20, 2013 Thursday:
My happiness is no longer just knowing I will soon be with Alana.  Much of my happiness comes from the smiles the laughs and the friendships of those that cared enough to check in on me.  Those that know the pain, have faced the pain, and have found resolution in dealing with that at earths level. Those that I know, in time, will understand and accept the dark side of the Ce'dric they have never gotten to see prior to pulling the trigger.  You meant the world to me, but Alana means more to me at a higher view of the world. 

Once you accept this decision I have made for what it is, I will dust you with happiness that you feel and recognize as mine.  I will send you breezes in the wind that will remind you of who I was and where I went.  The sunny days belong to me, the storms will never touch me again. 

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, spread me where I find the most peace, over Alana.  Where I went to leave you is where I want you to leave me.

June 21, 2013 Friday:
Suzie, Stacey, Tayna, Allison. Ready girls? In less then 24 hours you will learn something about yourselves, your friendships with each other, and in the end, who wins.  In less then 24 hours you will discover what is important in life comes from inside our hearts.  In less then 24 hours you will be standing in the parking lot where I met Alana, wondering why you are all there, and I am not.  You will all receive the same letter inside an envelope with each of your names on them, expecting what you want, and not liking what you get. 

"Mean Girls:  I sentence you in the death of not only Alana, but also myself, Ce'dric.  Each of you for the past week has been wearing a gold chain with a single charm that you think I chose just for you.  I chose those charms for Alana and they represent the most important moments of my life with her.  Last week I sought each of you out and what I need you to understand is the times I spend individually with each of you was as painful to me as your bullying was to Alana.  I consider each visit with each of you big wastes of my time.  The compliments were lies.  The smiles were lies.  The laughs were lies.  There was nothing real in those 'dates'.  They were as fake and made up as the four of you. 

Here is what you should know about your friendship with each other:

Suzie:  Your gaggle doesn't come to your house because it is not classy enough for them.  You should not even be 'one of them' is what I was told.  They keep you around because your mom sells Mary Kay makeup and you supply them with it for free.  According to them you should be embarrassed that your mom even has to help supply income for you and your family to live in such a dump of a house.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Stacey:  I found out that you are the willing girl of your gaggle.  When I heard that I laughed at the names they rattled off.  You lied to them.  I know 6 of the 12 guys they said you slept with.  So I know at least half of them were lies.  Guys talk girls, and had any of that been true I would of know about it 2 seconds after the fact.  Here's what your gaggle don't know.  Let me just say Wild Bill.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Tanya:  Tanya Tanya Tanya.  I never touched you.  You would not be worth the sin.  Your gaggle bought that one off you and through the conversation about it, I am sure you are the main reason Alana was not accepted into your gaggle.  It pains me to think anyone, including your gaggle, would believe that about me, but I'm laughing now.  I bet you are not.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Allison:  Do you think your gaggle knows about their brothers and why you actually formed this gaggle?  Where one of you lied about doing it, you were the one that lied about not.  Why is that girl? Is it because you wanted to be more like Alana?  Could it be that you pushed her to swing because she was who you could never be?  Fill your gaggle in on the nights you couldn't hang out with them because you were out with someone else's boyfriend.  Yeah, the guys talk about you, just like you want them to.  But they have nothing to say much more then you're a desease carrying swap donkey.  (Think about how I might know this information, who would tell me this?)

Well you might have guessed by now that I am not showing up.  I am with Alana, taking my final breath on earth.   You are guilty of two deaths, Romeo and Juliet, and your sentence is to be served out on earth, long lives, where you will see bits and pieces of the destruction you left behind in your walks of shame.  You will see reminders everywhere and you will have to live with them haunting you for years to come.  And when the day arrives for you to rest in peace, you will never find the peace you want.  Stay mean, girls, its what you do best.  See you never. ~ Keeper of no secrets, Ce'dric"

Diary of A Weeping Heart: Week 8

 Psalms 31:18:

"Let the lying lips be put to silence;" 

Psalms 63:11:

"...the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped."  

Psalms 120:2:

"Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue." 

Proverbs 19:9:

  "A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish." 

   

June 8: Saturday:
14 days left on earth.  Today my paternal grandparents had a family reunion out at their spread.  Packed like sardines but seemed everyone was having fun.  Cousins making plans for college, high school, grade school.  I'm the only skater in a family full of athletes, or at least I was.  I haven't been on skates since Alana died.  It's difficult to go back to that lot, the lot I first saw her. The rink where I first talked to her.  The ice that I first skated on with the girl I was making my own.  I will visit the rink one last time before I go be with Alana.

Avery and Adrian will have lots of cousins, right around their own ages, to help them through life.  Avery understands his role in Adrian's life, he told me on the ride home "I'm going to be a better big brother to Addie then you are."  Well said Avery, you win.  You had no clue when you said that how right you are.  Be for Addie everything you have ever wanted me to be to you.  You aren't just going to be a great big brother, you were the best little brother a big brother could have.

I'm going to miss Grandma and Grandpa L,  They have never looked at me as if I were not their real grandson.  The baking lessons, the fishing trips, the love they have shown me, mean the world to me and I am sure to my mom too.  I hope I've done a great job showing you my appreciation and love for your kindness and guidance you've given me along the way.


June 9: Sunday:
13 more days before I see those pearly gates.  We all met back at my grandparents for a big breakfast before everyone travels home and we settle back into our lives a little happier and a lot more appreciative of the family we have in our lives.

What a great support system my family will have in a couple weeks when they all get together again.  I was thankful for this opportunity to be in their lives one more time playing ball, eating fat, and hanging together laughing and reliving some of the best times of our lives.  Not one mention of Alana.  Not one "how you doing, you doing alright" from anyone.  It was perfect and sweet.  If Alana or my well being were on their minds they didn't show it.  It made my heart feel good, knowing how quickly the pain and sorrow leaves their souls as time carries on.

Again on the ride home, me and my brothers talked non stop about the fun our family has when we all get together.  "It's the food that makes them all happy", Avery would say.  "It's the games we play that makes everyone so happy," Addie would say.  "It's the love," my mom would say as my dad agreed.  In my mind I say "It's knowing I'm heading out, going to be with Alana that makes me happy."  Inside I smile because I have missed her so (soul) and her spirit.

June 10: Monday
12 more days until I depart.  The next several days they will lay witness to how well I am doing since the day Alana swung from earth to heaven.   They will remember who I was before she left and see that kid again, before he leaves to be with her.

Mom thought my appetite was back full force today as she served us stacks of pancakes and orange juice this morning.  We all head out to start our days and would be together at the dinner table, ready for another huge meal that would surly show how back into life I am.  Just as planned, dinner was served and as we recapped my day that put smiles on my parents faces I was happy that I told no lies today.  I did play touch football with the guys, we did eat at the china buffet, and we did get run off Boylston Street by a foot cop trying to keep order that we were disrupting. 

June 11: Tuesday
11 more days and I'm down and out of this world.  A morning run with Dad, helped mom with breakfast dishes, took out the trash complaining it was Addie's turn.  I am sure my mom will not miss chore complaints but I am sure Avery and Addie wont be happy to have to split up the chores I leave behind.

Dad thought it was funny when I told him about my day.  Again, no lies had to be told.  I headed to Cambridge to work out with Skylar and Tyler at their home gym.  We raided their fridge and ate the fruit and fruit dip their mom made for her card party for later that afternoon.  Didn't see the note not to eat it until we pulled out the last bowl of fruit.  She really should have put the note on the front bowl and she would not have had to come up with a different plan.  She scolded all three of us, and didn't hold back on me.  My dad laughed until he had tears and my mom sympathized with their mom, because how many times have me and my buddies done that to her?

June 12: Wednesday
10 more days until showdown.  Ate a hearty breakfast that made my mom wonder which of my legs was suddenly hallow.  "Good thing its grocery shopping night", she said.  Avery asked me if I wanted to throw in some tennis, Addie asked me if I wanted to play NHL 13.  Yes to both, because I was keeping a clear slate on lying this week.  It was fun, spending time with both of them this afternoon.  Addie mentioned it first ,'"It sure is good to see you like us again Ce'dric."  Then Avery, "yeah for a while there we wondered if you thought you were too good to hang with us."  I assured them both that our parents were paying me to hang with them today, not something I wanted to do, but was not going to pass up that money.  We all laughed at that conversation, because the last time we went through this was the week before Alana died.  It was an ongoing joke between us, how our parents paid us to love each other. 

June 13: Thursday
9 days to go, before I'm gone.  Woke up with Addie in my bed.  He hasn't done that for a long time.  He said he was watching the SAW series and got scared and Avery told him to go to bed when he tried to sleep with him.  I didn't mind but I had to remind him mom wouldn't be happy he watched those.  We decided to go down and make eggs, turkey links, hash browns and oatmeal for breakfast for everyone.

Took Avery and Addie to the movies tonight, dads treat.  He always gave us enough money for enough food to feed a hockey team.  And we used it all.  Went to the arcade after the movie.  Its been a long time since I did that but Addie's the gamer of the family and he always has his eye on something behind the ticket counter.  Avery likes it too but he acts like he doesn't.  He's at that age where he thinks about his age and is he doing all the right age appropriate things.  The teen years, yeah I remember those.  We sat at the mall court before going home just shooting the S#@T.  Everyone always guesses we are brothers, not because we look alike but because why else would a preteen, a teen and a twenty something be hanging out together.  Brothers, they turn out to be the best friends you will ever have.


June 14: Friday
8 days left.  I am not afraid.  I am not sad. I am not happy.  I barely just am.  I have been numb from life since Alana took her own life.  The closer I get to my destination the more peace I find.  I can't help but lay in bed and think about Alana's last days.  Obviously she was careful to plan out her final days.  I think back to see if I can remember any signs I may I have missed.  I did not.  The most loyal loving girlfriend a guy could hope to find fooled the one guy that was willing to wait to have her on their wedding night.  I could not have stopped her I tell myself as I look back.  It doesn't make it any less painful that she is gone, but I am leaving to be with her understanding that she waned to go, and she went.  So when my friends read this diary, and I know it will hit the stands, you have to know that there was nothing you could of done to prevent me from walking out on life.

Jett, you have been the most loyal friend to all of us boys.  Don't change a thing man, don't play the blame game.  You will be pissed, beyond this world, but I offer no apology to you for leaving.  I do apologize for how you will blame yourself for this.  Don't be a dickie-doo, accept my decision to go be with my love.  I know you understand the heart more then anyone and brother, pray hard I get past the gates so I can be with Alana and find my dad.

Mayson, stop F@(King crying man.  Get over this fast.  This is the one and only thing in my life that I did not share with you.  Forgive me if you can, if you can't, so be it buddy, but move on.  You were a stand up friend and always there when I needed you the most.  I know this is hard on you and I know you want the days of yesterday back.  It's not about you.  I'll see you at you end of time and we'll party like rock stars.

No lies at all today, again, it felt good.  Avoidance is the key but I have lied so well they all seems to think I'm over her.  No one asks anymore so I don't have to lie.  Tomorrows the big Mean Girl revenge plans.  Do I feel bad for what I will do to them, no, at least not any more remorseful then they have been about Alana swinging away from them.  NO LIE.  It begins tomorrow.

Diary of A Weeping Heart: Week 7

Revelation 21:3-4

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

June 1: Saturday:
A plus from Alana's swing, since the day she swung I have paid closer attention to those around me.  I couldn't afford to miss any signs of trouble brewing around me that could foil my plan.  I worry more about Avery than anyone.  We pick at each other a lot.  Push those buttons.  Maybe he is right, maybe it is all about mom and each of us wanting more attention than the other.  I have 21 days to figure this out.

Today I did Avery's chores for him while he was playing racquet ball with dad.  I even popped in his room and made his bed and picked up his laundry.  I carefully placed a box of my belongings in his closet today, on top shelf to the back.  He won't find it until I'm gone and a note leads him to it.  It felt good to get that done today and a bonus great night hanging with him and Adrian, playing games, watching movies.  Mom praised him at dinner for not having to be asked to get his laundry gathered up for her.  We made eye connections and both knew, without a word, what being brothers meant.

June 2: Sunday
Mom was real happy I got up and went to church with them today.  We went out to Sunday brunch, just like we used to.  Adrian and Avery and I had a great day today.  We all chipped in to get the weekend chores done early and spent the evening just laying around, eating everything we could find, and driving mom and dad nuts.  Great family day.  Memories were made.  Laughter echoed throughout the house.  It was as if things were going to be OK, and they are, just my kind of OK.

June 3: Monday
I got a lot accomplished today in my room. Tomorrow I'm going over to help Alana's dad clear the rest of the things from her room.  I see how hard it is for her family to try and decide what to do with her things.  I have taken everything I wanted from her room and I have given almost everything I want to give from my room away.  It seems daily I am giving Adrian things he asks for and still make it look like nothing is up.  I keep my door open now whether I am in it or not.  Mom doesn't ever come in anymore, she just walks by and that must satisfy her in her efforts to keep us clean.  I even convinced Adrian and Avery we should just go down and get our own laundry to put away, mom really shouldn't have to haul everything up for us.

June 4: Tuesday
F^&%, it was hard today.  Not for me.  I miss Alana but I'm 18 days away from soaring to her.  To see the pain in her Dad is just sad.  I know that will happen when I go but I know my family loves me enough to take a bit of pain for me so I can be happy again.  Alana's dad just didn't know what to do.  We boxed up the rest of Alana's life and I hauled it away.  The furniture would stay and next weekend her mom and sister would turn it into a guest room.

It was the saddest day since she left me, seeing her family still full of sadness.  It's because they didn't know, because they didn't have a clue she was wanting to leave.  I felt for them, I really did.  It must be hard.  In one week that room will be done and they can continue to move on, to heal.

I have ignored my celly for three days now.  Tomorrow I will have to make sure everyone knows s@#t's good.  More and more of the guys are contacting me less and less.  Not Jett, daily texts and a few messages.  Mom said he's stopped by a couple times.  I suppose a walk in the park rolling bums and preaching to hookers are in order.  

June 5: Wednesday
I can't stay way from the grave.  I could just lay there until I die.  I find myself digging into the dirt with my fingers as if I could get her back by digging deeper.  I can tell when others have been there and wonder who it was.  I know when its Jett because he leaves snapped guitar strings and picks.  I know when its her family because they clean up around the site and hang a fresh balloon.  Today someone left a little angel doll.  The other day someone left a plant.  It's nice they come to honor her memory and spirit.  She deserves it, and she deserves to have been treated better when she was alive.

Mean girls/hockey pigs.  A cruel piece of the world.

June 6: Thursday:
Everything is right on schedule.  Starting next week everyone will see the old Cedz prior to Alana's death.  Spend a decent amount of time with my family and friends.  Big family reunion weekend Sat and Sun.  See lots of them for the last time in a long time. Get things lined up with the mean girls that kicked the chair out from under my sweet Alana.

June 7:  Friday:
Tomorrow I will start writing letters to my family.  I know it wont take away the pain, or probably even ease the pain but my hope is they will find it in their hearts to understand this is not about them, this is about me and my love for Alana, the girl I was going to marry.

I hung out with Jett today, we met up with the boys for a game of football.  I laugh.  Jett and football is like me and dancing, not meant to be.  But to get in one last dog pile on top of that sissy was sweet.  Kid's weak, and slow, but when I'm standing at the pearly gates, it's his name I'm using to trump the gate keeper into letting me in.   It was good to see the boys, see how they are all doing right now.  Someone needs to keep an eye on Pauly, he's acting like a Connor.

Last official piece of earthly business is the mean girls. Planned to be executed in one week, just putting on the finishing touches of the haunt I will leave behind in them.  Only giving them back the treatment they give others.  Time to break that gaggle of girls up.

Revelation 21:21

And the twelve gates were twelve pearls, each of the gates made of a single pearl, and the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass.

I Just Wish I Would Have Known

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. 

 ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Death has always been a huge part of my life.  As strange as that sounds to read out loud, it is a fact I would never try to deny or hide.  I stop short of saying death fascinates me, or consumes me, but I have spent a lot of time in the 5 stages of grieving for a soon to be 21 year old adult.  Most everything I have learned about life since the age of 14 has come from someone close to me dying.

I 100% understand the Circle of Life.  We are born to die and the fact of that matter is, we will all die.  As sure as God had a hand in planting the seed that gave us our first breath of life, he also will have a hand in when we will take our last breath of life.  Questioning someone's death does not mean I do not trust God, or lose faith in the promise of Eternal Life.  Just as I have learned a lot about life through the death of those I love, with each passing I learn more about faith, my own, and in general how it works.  I do not stop praying for one's well-being just because they have passed.  I pray for their souls and I pray they are resting in the peace of Heaven that they could not, or did not, achieve on earth.

Many of my friends, especially those in my age group, have always found it creepy that when someone passes on from life on earth to a life of Eternal happiness I visit them where they are laid to rest.  No one in my immediate family has ever been laid to rest in a cemetery.  My brother Jordy, our friend Mikey, and myself, took my brother Joey's ashes and let them blow in the wind over the Atlantic Ocean.  Jordy kept a few of the ashes and put them in a vial with the ashes of Jocelyn (our toddler sister who died), Jayson (our older brother who died) and the ashes of our mom when she died.  When our 'dad' died, in prison, we had him cremated.  We were allowed to put the vial with the ashes of the rest of our family in with him as he was being cremated.  (My brother did this to protect us, "He will go to hell and the ashes of the family he abused for all these years will protect us from him."  Not my belief at all, but as long as Jordy found comfort in that I wasn't going to disagree with him.)

The only place I can visit my siblings and my mom is in my heart.  There is no where to visit any of them on earth anymore, but that does not stop me from taking time out of my day to pray for their souls.  Since the death of my mom, everyone that I was close to that has passed has had the traditional funeral service.  Visitation the evening prior to the funeral service with a procession to the cemetery, then back to the death luncheon.  It has offered me a place to go visit and pray for their souls.  I enjoy that, and I wish I could visit my family like that, but that is not an option.

I visit Gracie the most at her place of rest.  Perhaps it's because I am still working on our book together, the story of her life in her words and the story of her death in mine.   I work on our book daily, I am always reading the things she wrote, the things she dictated to me to write.  The pinky promises we made, and the insight of one courageous eight year old girl, anxious to get to heaven and start her job as an angel guide.  Visiting her at the cemetery, where she was laid to rest, is where I find the inspiration to keep working on our book.  Her spirit motivates me to make the decisions I must in order to get her story right.  I often take her gifts, to set near her resting place.  Pink ribbons, little dolls, angel statues, and yellow post-it notes with a little message on them to her from me.  "I love you Gracie", "I miss you Gracie".  I've left cupcakes filled with angel cream, donuts filled with jelly, and other things she always liked to be treated with.  Gracie is still very much a part of my life, even though she has died.

Recently a grave marker was set in place for Gracie.  Two hearts that overlapped one another and a tiny heart that connects them securely.  A representation of her mommy and her daddy, kept together by her tiny heart that loved more then you would imagine.  A marker that clearly shows the future of her resting place where one day her daddy will lay rest to her right and her mommy will lay rest to her left. The circle of life will hold true one day for Gracie and her parents when they are all reunited beyond a breath of life.  Until that day they also will continue to visit their daughter, pray for her spirit as they try to stay connected to her soul.

As Pinky Promised to Gracie, I have kept in touch with her parents, Bill and Annie.  The three of us keep an eye out for each other. Some days it might be through a text simply asking 'how are things going ?" or 'I'm thinking of you'.   The three of us always claim to be doing well, but we know.  We know the pain is still with each of us and the love we had for little Gracie is stronger then ever.  We know when we hear that little laugh, see that ray of sunshine through a cloudy day, that Gracie is still with us in a bigger way then when she was with us down here on earth.  There is no hiding the sadness in our eyes, especially from each other.  There is no anger amongst us for the little white lie we tell when we say we are OK. 

Today I stopped by to see Bill and Annie, just for a few moments to give a hug and let them know they are still a huge part of my life.  The kindness they have shown towards me as a stranger to befriend their dying little girl, and to let me walk her final days on earth with her, and them, has been unmatched in my walk on earth.  The friendship that continues to grow between us is a gift Gracie gave us all when she exited earth.

I always sit in Gracie's bedroom, the one she redecorated to be the guest room before she passed so her parents would not have to decide what, if anything, they would do with it.  I remember the transformation from pretty pinks and purples to browns and greens.  When I sit in there I don't see the way it is now, I see it the way it was when I would visit Gracie at her home in her final weeks.  The room where so many pinky promises were made.  The room where I wrote down the stories Gracie told and wanted in our book.  The room where she stood at the window and waved as I arrived with a big smile and waved when I left, with the same size smile.  It pains me to sit in that room because I miss my little friend, but the memories she gave me from that room before she left are warm and heartfelt even to this day.

The closet has remained the same, and I know it always will for as long as Bill and Annie live in that house.  I laugh as I look at the figures she drew of me and Jordy and Mikey and Joey.  I was the fat one, the one you could hardly call a stick figure.  I remember arguing with her that Mikey was the fat one and her telling me that does not count because he is shorter and if we stretched him out long he would be skinner then me. To this day Mikey and I stand side by side comparing our thickness, trying to prove Gracie was right, or in my case, wrong.

After I left Bill and Annnie's I drove to visit Ceddy, his ashes thrown over Alana's grave.  I try to make sense of my anger towards him for leaving.  I miss Gracie, but I know she had to go.  There was no saving her from the cancer that overtook her tiny organs.  But Ceddy, he didn't have to go.  He was healthy and strong.  He had so much to live for.  He could have reached out to me but he chose to lie to me, hide his pain, die when he decided, by his own hand.  I cannot let go of the anger so I can find the peace I hope he is in.  I think about how he is where he wants to be, but not where his brothers want him.  I think about what he did to them, he took away not just himself from their lives, but his mom as well.  He doubled their sadness, their confusion, their anger.  I cannot wrap my mind around his decision, as hard as I try.

I try to answer Adrian's questions as best as I can for not having the answers myself.  I try to let Avery know he has to be the big brother now and Adrian needs him.  There's no instruction book on how to carry on when someone you love dies.  There's no guide to tell you that you are doing all the right things to move forward.  There is no voice to tell you it is not something you did, or said, or didn't do, or didn't say that made him want to leave.  There is no answer to the question about did he love me less than he did Alana that he wanted to go see her and not stay and be with me.

I didn't know Ceddy, and I know you didn't want me to know, but I will never forgive the friend in me that I wasn't too you in your time of need.  You can say all you want in that left behind journal how you lied to hide, but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter.  A friend, would have known, that a friend was in that deep of a hurt he didn't feel he had any other way out.  A friend would have known.  I should of know man, I should of know.