Hope: Can Big Love Turn Into Hate? (Part 2)

 Oh the ride home from Carlos' after our discussion about love so strong it turns into hate I thought a lot about my hatred for my birth dad.  The father who mentally, physically and sexually abused not only me but my three older brothers and our mother as well.  I turned on the radio in my car to try to clear my head of all the memories I wished would disappear forever.  I just wanted to forget about the past and focus on all the fun I had today, hanging with my two little buddies and watching them enjoy all that is good in a world that turns hearts cold and love into hate.  A song came on that I was not to familiar with although I had heard it before.  I switched stations to once again avoid what deep down in my heart I knew to be true.  Within minutes of turning the station, the same song came on again.  

I remember prior to the age of seven a dad who would laugh with us, play with us, hug us goodnight.  Almost as quickly as those memories invade my thought process they turn cold.  Once again the memories of the abuse seep back into my brain triggering seven years of fear, sadness, confusion and abuse at the hands of the father that became a stranger to me.  The man that loved me for the first seven years and hated me for the next seven years.  Memories of days of sunshine that were clouded over by shadows in my nights.  When the shadows went away I was left with thoughts of wanting my dad back again.  The dad that loved me so much he would never think of hurting me.  The dad that loved me so much he would never let anyone hurt me.  The dad that hugged me goodnight then turned out my light giving me the feeling of being safe and waking up to the hug of my mom.  

I remember thinking on the ride home, hearing this song, how accurately the words repeated  the seven years of abuse I was subject to when my dad loved me so much it turned into hate.  How all I really wanted in my life was my birth dad to love me like he used to.  The many ways I tried to show him how much I loved him in hopes of him showing me how much he loved me.  The years that followed where my want for his love, and my love for him, turned to hate for him.  How until the day he died, deep down in the depths of my heart, buried under all my love for everyone else in my life, was a little space I kept open for him, in case one day, he decided to love me again. A space only a father could reach and only a father could fill.

The lyric to this song describes a void in my life in a space in my heart I set aside for a love that could never reach it.  Until I invited God into my life, who invaded that space and filled it with a love so strong, He was willing to let his son die on a cross to prove to me HE LOVED ME THAT MUCH.

"I Love You This Much"
(Jimmy Wayne) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLFISIdH8g
He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't keep him from wanting
Or worshipping him

He guesses he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt
Standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering daddy
I want you to know

 (Chorus)

I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much 

He grew to hate him for what he had done
'cause what kind of father
Could do that to his son?
He said 'damn you daddy'
The day that he died
The man didn't blink
But the little boy cried

[Chorus:]

 

Half way through the service
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at him

He said
'forgive me father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to know
[Chorus:]

To my little friend Carlos:  When God is in your heart, there is nothing that can turn love into hate.  You loved Manny enough to die for him if you could, just as Jesus loved his father enough, and us enough, to die for us so that we may live.  When God is in our hearts, we have no reason to hate.  You can never love big enough to hate when you let God in.  You are never alone, and when you feel the need to show the world how much you love, stretch out your arms and wrap them around the world and show them "I love you this much".

To my little angel Gracie:  :-)   I just filled my heart with a little more love today and it is no where near full!  I keep working on it to prove your theory that as humans we use very little of the space in our hearts and if the world would work on filling it up to its full capacity this world would be a better place!

Hope: Can Big Love Turn Into Hate? (Part 1)

A love so strong, nothing in the world could fix what went wrong ...

Carlos was in grade 4 last year when his little brother Manny, who was in kindergarten, died from the result of a tricycle accident.  I was student teaching 3rd and 4th graders at the time and more then a year later I still remember the tragedy of it all for not only Carlos and his mom, but for the entire 3rd and 4th grade class.  I taught both classes an hour a day, focusing on the English language, and often combining the classes when the lesson could be directed to both grades.

One of the combined class projects was to make cards, write letters, or draw art to give to my little Amazing Gracie.  I had talked to these students often about Gracie and her fate with terminal brain cancer.  I had also talked often to Gracie about my 3rd and 4th graders.  My students could not believe that Gracie missed going to school and being with her friends and Gracie would have given anything if it made it possible for her to go back to school and be with the normal kids.

I remember how sad Gracie was for Carlos, losing his little brother like he had.  He was always the first one she would ask me about when I would visit her.  She was very concerned about his heartd and his happiness.  Carlos was intrigued by Gracie's fate and although he was extremely sad for her having to die so young, he wanted so deeply for her to find his little brother Manny and make sure that Manny had found their daddy who went to heaven shortly after Manny was born.

Two little humans, both of their lives effected by death at such a young age.  Hers by her own soon to be death, his by the death of a little brother.  Two little kids whose paths crossed because death had pushed their paths together.  One of Gracie's Pinky Promises with me was that I was to keep Carlos in my life, be his friend, make sure he is OK.  In return, Gracie would find Manny and Carlos' dad and make sure they were together in heaven.  I have kept that Pinky Promise, and I and Carlos have remained in each others life.

I hung out with Carlos today, going to his Scout meeting, picking up my nephew Lil Dude, going out for lunch and then the three of us playing catch in the fresh outdoor air.  I was sure Gracie was watching from a big white fluffy cloud today and I imagined sitting next to her was Manny and his daddy.  I knew Gracie had been hanging close to me and the proof to me was when my niece Olivia drug the barbie dolls Gracie left to her over so I could play barbies with her.  When I saw that pink doll case she was carrying as she walked into Papa's house I could almost hear Gracie laughing.  She loved making me play barbies when I visited her at her house before her journey ended here on earth.

When we decided we had played enough catch for the day we hooked ourselves up with a rootbeer float and then it was time to take Lil Dude home.  I liked how close Lid Dude and Carlos were becoming and watching them knuckle bump goodbyes to each other showed how solid their friendship was becoming. On the drive to take Carlos home he grew increasingly quiet.  I could sense something was on his mind but he was hesitant to talk to me about anything outside of the fun day we shared together.  It wasn't until after we had gotten into his house and sat down to rest for a few minutes that Carlos decided to tell me what was on his mind.

"You know the Boston Bomber Boys?  The ones that killed and hurt people in our city?" he asked me.  "Yeah Carlos, I watched a lot of news about all that."  I replied to him.  "Well they were brothers", he said.  "I know Carlos, they said the younger brother loved his brother so much he agreed to help him do this to our city", I told Carlos.

Carlos sat in silence for a couple of minutes, I could tell he was thinking deep.  I asked him, "Are you OK Carlos?"   When he looked up at me I could see a great deal of sadness in his eyes, the same sadness I remember seeing the first time I saw him after his little brothers accident.  "Jett", he said, "I loved Manny enough to never want him to get in trouble or hurt anyone."  Big old tears were in Carlos' eyes and I could see they were about to fall out and roll down his little cheeks.  "You loved your brother big Carlos and you were a great big brother to Manny."  With tears rolling down his cheeks, the now 5th grade soon to be 6th grade student said, "The big brother should of loved the little brother more then the little brother loved the big brother and nothing would of happened bad to our city."

We visited for a while longer, with me answering questions that Carlos had about the brothers as best I could.  It was difficult to explain that kind of brotherly love to Carlos, a love so strong that you were willing to such a great act of evil against others that did you no harm.  A love so strong between brothers that one was willing to drag the other through hell and one that was willing to follow a path so dark he would surely spend a long time in God's Park before he gained access to God's eternal life of happiness and peace.  A love so strong it turned to hate.

Carlos was worried about brotherly bonds and brotherly love.  He was trying to understand how you can lead someone you loved so much into a life of hatred for others.  "Manny died because someone ran over him on accident Jett, and if I could have been the one to get runned over I would have done that for Manny because I loved him that much", Carlos reasoned.  "I know Carlos, you loved him big", I offered, "but what the terrorist brothers did for each other was not the same.  You loved Manny enough to die so he could live.  The brothers loved each other enough to let others die and did not care if either one of themselves lived or died."

After a few more minutes of conversation and recapping the great amount of fun Carlos and I had with Lil Dude today and Carlos assuring me he was OK we parted ways.  We would see each other again next Saturday when we go to Carlos' scout meeting.  We said our goodbyes with a hug and a knuckle bump.  I spoke briefly with Carlos' mom letting her know what was weighing heavily on Carlos mind today.  Headed home I thought about our discussion and I hoped I did well enough at explaining things to Carlos to provide him with a bit of comfort over his confusion over hate and love.  I wasn't so sure I understood it myself.

The devastation left behind from this recent act of terrorism goes beyond the deaths of four citizens, beyond the injuries of the nearly 300 Boston Marathon runners and supporters, beyond the family and friends of those effected by this tragedy.  It has reached the minds and hearts of the little's in the world that cannot understand how you can love someone enough to watch them die.  How you can love someone so much you follow them through their hatred for life and the lives of others.  The kids that were afraid to go to school for fear the bad guys would come and shoot them, the kids that were afraid to go outside and play for fear they would get blown up.  The kid who loved his brother so much he would die for him, left wondering how a brother could love you so much he would ask you to sacrifice your life for him.

... I love you this much ...

Friends: The Golden Rule

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

Her name is Alana and on April 14 she would have been 21 years and 1 day old.  On April 13, 2013 Alana turned 21 years old, a day most post teens look forward to with excitement and anticipation.  All indications from the excitement Alana showed while helping her family plan her birthday party was she was as excited as any normal 20 year old soon to be considered a legal adult in every sense of the word.

It was Saturday morning and on this evening her family would share a dinner in their home followed by birthday cake, ice cream and gifts for the girl who was celebrating the big 21.  Her mother, her younger sister and her had went shopping on this Saturday morning.  Her first birthday gift was a new outfit, Baby Phat Jeans and a tee shirt.  An outfit completely out of the ordinary for a girl who was modest and low key.  Her mother was happy to buy her this gift, the daughter who never needed or wanted anything more then what already hung in her own closet.  It was a great shopping day for Alana and her sister and her mother.  They had a lot of fun and shared a lunch at Blunch's in Boston, where they would sit outside and eat lunch before they returned home after almost three hours of shopping.  A day to be remembered for sure, by the women that shared this time together.

There would be no special decorations for the dinner and celebration.  This was true to how Alana lived her life.  Very low-key, very natural.  As natural as her beauty from the outside to the inside.  Alana choose homemade pizza, pink lemonade, and a white cake with chocolate chip ice cream.  That was not Alana's favorite meal, but it was a no hassle meal and she never did anything that made more work for her homemaker mother.  The afternoon would be spent as if Alana's birthday was not on this very special day.  Her brother Alan would go play basketball at the Y with his buddies.  Her sister Alice would go two doors down and spend her afternoon with her best friend, listening to music and talking about boys.  Her mother would work on the piling up laundry and do various normal household chores.  Her father would take the car in for an oil change and have it cleaned.  Life on Alana's 21st birthday would be as normal as if it were any other day in the life or her family.  Just as she would want it to be, just like every birthday before where she was uncomfortable with the attention and did her best to make it as low-key as possible.  And her family would abide by her wishes to carry on as normal, it's just another day.

Alana's family love her deeply and knew her well.  The quiet average girl who spoke softly and loved big.  The daughter who never raised their concern for the safety and welfare of their sweet Alana who walked the line of good, never followed the crowd into teenage antics or college friends drinking binges.  The daughter who had many friends but kept her family as her best friends.  The daughter who never spoke a bad word about anyone in her life.   The same one that volunteered at their church, and at the food pantry. The one that cheered on her brother in his sports and her sister in her cheer leading activities.  All with a smile as bright as a sunny summer day.

It would not be until the day after Alana's 21st birthday that her family would get to know the girl with so much pain inside her heart that she could no longer live to fool everyone who loved her, or herself.  It would be hard to piece together because everyone, including her boyfriend of two years, were fooled by her bright smile and her goodwill nature.  Had it not been for a journal full of her true feelings, from deep down in her troubled soul, they would have been left wondering why Alana came to the conclusion that she could no longer continue her journey on earth.  

While her sister was two doors down, and her mother was doing chores in their home, and her father was having the car cleaned and her brother was out with his friends, Alana dressed herself in her new birthday outfit, on her 21st birthday.  She wrote a note to her family, a note to her boyfriend, set out her journal for them to find, and pinned a note to the girls who determined her fate, on her new shirt.  Alana successfully hanged herself Saturday afternoon on her 21st birthday.  She made her peace with God and by her own doing freed herself of all the pain in her heart to go beyond a breath of life into the unknown afterlife to meet with her Maker.

I met Alana through one of my friends who was her boyfriend for two years.  I only visited with Alana twice ever and I knew her as her family knew her.  Kind, happy, giving, caring.  I remember telling my friend he found a keeper, a very natural beauty whose insides were as impressive as her outside.  I wish I could have gotten to know her better, on a more friendship based level.  

I attended her funeral services on Saturday, with a mass, the burial, and a small gathering at the church where a dinner was served.  Homemade pizza, pink lemonade, lots of white birthday cake with chocolate chip ice cream.  A fine tribute to a life lost before it was called home by God.  An early departure on earth meant an early arrival in God's Kingdom.  I was told about the day Alana was born by her mother.  A beautiful sunny April day, a gift from God, not just the day but the birth of her daughter as well.  Alana's dad told me how him and Alana used to work the New York Times crossword every Sunday.  Memories that will carry her family through the days now that she is no longer with them to make more memories.  A family left with questions that can not be answered.  Pain that will not go away.  Sadness that leaves them wondering what they could have done differently. 

Rest in Peace Alana, our newest angel in heaven.  May God's light shine in your heart and reflect on the lives of those who loved you, the lives of those who did not accept you for who you are, and the lives of all those touched by your beauty and kindness.  You set yourself free of the pain and suffering inside your heart, now spread those wings and watch over our pain and suffering, protecting us from the evils of the world. - Jett

The best and most beautiful things

 in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.
- Helen Keller

If everyone in the universe would act upon the feelings in their hearts, the kindness in their hearts, the world would prove to be a better place.  Your outside beauty is not what defines you as a beautiful person.  Your beauty is defined by how you treat others, how you touch other peoples hearts.  I learned that from an eight year old little girl dying of cancer.  Several young girls learned that yesterday at the funeral of the beautiful soul they pushed to deaths door.  I wonder how many people would be kinder to others if they walked through life as if they were looking in a mirror when they spoke to others.

The GOLDEN RULE

One should treat others as one would 

like others to treat oneself.

 

Faith: 1 Corinthians 4:5 :: Judgement Belongs To God

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, 

for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, 

which God has promised to those who love him.

I am as guilty as anyone when it comes to blaming God for the tragic events that take place in my life.  The older I get and the more secure in my faith I become the more I realize that without sorrow and pain in my life, my life would not be as fruitful as it has become.

Today's Sunday service took me down yet another path of realization in all that has happened to me since my earliest childhood memory at the age of seven when my father first physically abused me, leading to seven years of physical, mental and sexual abuse.  I remember that day as if it were yesterday and even though I am six plus years removed from that abuse, the pain in my heart and the confusion in my mind is as real as reliving those days over again.

Sunday Mass is always exhilarating and refreshing to my soul.  I will admit that there are Sunday's where I feel I am not fully participating in the service and I will sit and reflect on something in my life that is weighing heavy on my mind.  I never walk out of a church service where I have not learned something about myself that I never realized before.  I am not your typical catholic parishioner, even though I rarely miss a Sunday service or religious holiday Mass, there are several things about the Catholic church I do not agree with.  I believe in God and I believe in his plans for me on earth as well as in heaven when that day arrives.  I walk along my journey, accepting all that is good and bad and try to be a good citizen to my community, a good brother and uncle to my family, a good boyfriend to my girlfriend, a good friend to my friends, and a good Christian to those that cross my path. 

There is a strength in me that only God could have put in me.  I have survived some of the most horrible crimes against a child ever recorded.  I have survived the pain of three sibling deaths.  I have survived the death of my mom, and yes, even the death of the man who I find it hard to call my dad.  I am learning to survive with the gifts God has given me, my writing skills and my spiritual callings.  I have been blessed with an athletic nature and a musical talent that allow me to enjoy an even bigger social life then a guy could ask for.  The many blessings of God have surely shined down on my soul and for all that is good I am thankful for.

As crazy as this may sound, I have also learned to be thankful to God for the times of despair and duress in my life.  I have accepted the things that have happened to me even though I do not understand them.  I have resolved God of all blame and accepted that those life lessons have made me who I am today and will strengthen me for who I will become and what I will endure in the future.  I know I can always be a better form of who I currently am, and I accept that tragedy in my life will help me become a more complete Christian as I journey on earth, preparing for my journey with God.

1 Corinthians 4:5

Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, 

before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now

 hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. 

Then each one will receive his commendation from God. 

Doubting God's plan and blaming God for the evils of the earth is an easy way to relieve ourselves of the responsibility of living a good Christina life.  I have blogged about the Ten Commandments given to us by God to guide us in our journey's on earth.  The importance of following those commandments is proven time and time again in a world were hurting others at the expense of our own beliefs has altered the lives of many innocent and endangered the lives of many more.  Beyond the Ten Commandments issued to us by a forgiving God is a gift we are all born with no matter what race or religion we decent from. Humanity.  The quality of being humane and kind.  The main trigger in knowing right from wrong.  The lone common denominator of all human beings.  Born into a world where living good is the only option as long as we are loved and share our love with others.  

God provided us with the gift of life.  All we have to do is be kind to one other.  Yet when we don't use the tools provided to us by God to be kind and treat each other in a humane fashion and tragedy occurs, it is God we blame.  We weep and we mourn and we cast judgement on our Maker.  We judge and blame the people we love, the people we hate, the people we do not know, and the God that gave us life.  As I said before, I also blame God and try to convince myself I am the victim.  The closer I get to God, the more I let the spirit live inside of me, the less I blame Him.  The more I pray the less I find myself wondering why God let things happen and more of what I could do differently to be a better human being in a world where it is not God who cast tragedy upon us, but it is us humans who allow these things to happen.

We show hate to those that do not worship as we do  We show hate to those who have things we do not.  We rage in anger and jealousy towards anyone that is not like us.  We judge others for being short, or tall.  Thick or thin.  White or not.  We try to destroy others that do not live under the same laws and rules as we do.  We try to convince others our way is the only way.  We seek revenge when wronged.  It is not God who does these things.  It is ourselves.  We are destroying a world that was loaned to us in our journey to whatever Kingdom our God has promised us.  All we really have to do is be kind to each other.

“You must not lose faith in humanity. 

Humanity is like an ocean; 

if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, 

the ocean does not become dirty.” 

- Mahatma Gandhi

 “One love, one heart, one destiny.”  

- Bob Marley

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; 

and humanity is won by continuing

 to play in face of certain defeat.”  

 - Ralph Ellison

Family: "Beyond A Breath Of Life" : "That's A Lot"

 I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see.
I sought my God, but my God eluded me.
I sought my brother and I found all three.

I often get asked how I came to incorporate "Beyond A Breath Of Life" into my blogspot, my blogs, and basically my life. I'm never really prepared to answer that question so I tend to keep my answer simple and brief.  Most often my reply is the representation of my belief in eternity and the promise of everlasting life in God's Kingdom after my last breath on earth is taken.  That has truth to it, but that is not how I came to know and use the phrase that is slowly becoming a trademark in the blogs I post to this site.

When Joey came to the Bushnell house one day I could tell something was not right with him.  I knew he had been feeling sick a couple weeks before and I knew our mom helped him find a doctor he could see to find out what was wrong with him.  What I didn't know was that Joey had been back to the doctor for tests several times in the past couple of weeks.  After several tests where they looked at his lungs from every angle Joey was diagnosed with lung cancer and  this day he stopped by to tell my mom.  Joey was already at stage 3 the day he told us he was ill.  With-in 2 months of that day he was stage 4.  At the time I did not understand anything about cancer, I just knew it was never good news.  I had no idea that stage 4 meant cancer had entered both lungs and the fluid outside his lungs and had moved into his liver.  Treatment when he was stage 3 did not help and either was the aggressive treatment for stage 4.  Joey would die, and at this point all they could do was keep him comfortable for the next projected 6 months that he would live.

Family: Sibling Bonds in Life and Death

Your siblings are the only 

people in the world who know 

what it's like to have been 

brought up the way you were.  

                                                                   - Betsy Cohen




Today is National Siblings day and to be quite honest with you about it, I would not have know this if I had not seen a friends post on her Facebook page stating so.  I think its great that one woman has dedicated her life to Commemorate National Siblings Day.  Claudia Evart is the founder and director of Siblings Foundation Day.  Claudia lost two siblings in separate accidents early in her life.  She chose April 10th to honor both her brother and her sister (who was born on that date).  Claudia has no remaining siblings left walking on earth but they oversee her journey from the heavens above.

Blood Siblings:

  Jocelyn(1995-1998), Jett(1992), Jordon(1995), Joel(1982 - 2007), Jayson (1976-2000)

My heart weighs heavy daily for the loss of three of my four siblings.  Jocelyn killed in a tricycle accident at the age of 3, Joey died of lung cancer at the age of 24, and Jayson killed by a drunk driver at the age of 24.  Each death altered the dynamics of my family in heart shattering ways.  Each time a sibling died, a part of our family make-up died along with them.  The love of our mother grew and the love our 'dad' faded.  When Jocelyn died, myself and my three brothers became closer, stayed nearer to each other, and bonded tighter as siblings.  Five siblings became four, and the fear of losing another sibling made being together seem like the right thing to do.  We bonded as our family started to fall apart.

It would be less then two years later when the death of our oldest sibling would again change the dynamics of our family unit.  I was six when my sister died, and eight when Jayson died.  I was young and although those deaths were confusing to me, I was able to at least detect a change in my environment even though I never really understood where they went and how their deaths effected the rest of my family.  When Jordy left home at the age of 14, shortly after Jayson died, I figured he had gone to live with them, to get away from all the sadness and anger left behind in our Bushnell house.

Faith: PSALM 34:17 - For the Love Of A Brother

Psalm 34:17

When the righteous cry for help, 

the Lord hears, and rescues 

them from all their troubles.

I have often thought and wrote about the pain of a broken heart. How there is no  n greater pain one can experience then that of a broken heart. No broken bone. No illness. Nothing is as painful as when you have gone through something in life that touches your heart and leaves it cracked, bruised, broken and unrepairable. There are many things in life that we will experience that will cause damage to our hearts, and there are many remedies to try to heal a broken heart, but it never quite returns to the way it was before the damage was done.

Broken hearts come from many sources and if you are alive and breathing today and reading this blog, you have without a doubt been through times in your journey where your heart was damaged by someone or something. I can personally attest to death being the reason my heart has beat, crying out in pain, for loved ones lost. Prior to the death of my older brother dying of lung cancer, my heart had not taken a hit like it did when he ended his journey with me on earth and climbed those stairs to the heavens above.

Joey's death was the one that made my heart ache so incredibly bad and over five years later the pain is as real as the day he died. He was not the first sibling I lost, but he was my best friend as well as my brother. Joey was going to save me from my abusive father, and shortly after I asked him to do that he become ill. Less then a year later lung cancer would take his last breath on earth from him as God supplied him with everlasting breaths in eternity. Joey was gone and it broke my heart. 

Heart break after heart break followed after Joey died. Lost friends, bad relationships, family fights. It seemed just as the breaks began to heal, something else would open up the wounds again. I was sure I would never find anything more hurtful then that of the broken heart. I was wrong. Today I learned a lot about a pain I have never experienced through my misfit brother Charlie. Today I learned that worse then a broken heart, was a sad heart.

I have encountered many fights inside myself in my twenty years of life. Many sleepless nights of confusion about life and what it has dealt me. I have learned so much about myself and life since I moved to Boston to be with my only living sibling. I continue to learn about all the things I have to be thankful in life, all the people that love me unconditionally, all that the future holds for me. I have conditioned my heart to love just as much as it hurts. The pain is real and the pain remains but the love in my heart continues to grow and heal.

My little friend Gracie who died of brain cancer helped me realize just how much love a heart can hold, and how much love it can give. I am sure I will never love to my hearts full capacity but I will die trying to fill it up. And I will live spreading as much love as I can in an effort to show people how much love their hearts can truly hold.

All I have been through in life is really no different then others have been through in theirs. My best example of this is my misfit brother Charlie. Charlie is actually Jake's nephew and came to live with us two summers ago because of issues with is family in Kansas City. His family issues are as real and as painful as mine have been. How he processes things is completely different then myself. We all deal the best we can, we all find ways to keep moving forward in our journey's. Today I learned something about pain, and hearts, and how we never really heal, we just learn to deal. 

Charlie is going through some things right now and his heart is so broken, so bruised and damage from his walk on earth thus far, that he is struggling to find a reason to be happy.  Unlike me, who casts blame on the villains in my life and claim the victim title, Charlie see's himself as the villain.  He blames himself for the lack of love and support from those that brought him into the world and promised to take care of him, to love him, to see him through these times.  He cannot find the love in his heart, even as he spreads it throughout his walk on earth.  He feels empty, he feels nothing there, just a steady beat that echos emptiness and loneliness. 

So what I learned today from my little misfit brother who I love with everything I have to offer is that there is a pain that will supercede that of a broken heart.   The pain of an empty heart is far worse then a heart that hurts because a love bond was broken.  The pain of an empty heart echos the sounds of a heart that beats with no purpose.  A heart that feels nothings because you don't feel you deserve love from others will break your spirit for life.  A heart tired of beating for the love of a mother who deserted you, the acceptance of the step mother who never did, and the father who made sure he was being loved and failed to make sure you were too.  How painful that must be to think your heart only beats a steady rhythm to keep you alive in a world where you don't feel loved.  The failure to recognize someone you live with is suffering from a pain so great he really just feels like he exists is heartbreaking in itself.

Charlie, your heart is never without the love of God.  As much as you are loved by all of us on earth that surround you and participate in your life, God's love for you is ten-fold.  It is unconditional to a fault.  His love never dies and only grows.  I hate you are struggling right now but I hope you know we are all here for you and we are going no where.  We are all right where God has landed us, where we need to be.  We need you Charlie, you are such a big part of us.  I hope someday you find a way to love yourself as much as you are loved.  Love you brother, as if our blood lines ran deeper then the distance between earth and heaven. - Jett

Ephesians 3:19
And to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,
that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

John 4:19 

We love because he first loved us.